tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post115134205755649087..comments2024-03-27T23:21:33.110-04:00Comments on Infertility SUCKS!: A Slight DilemmaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03784823185795103613noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151704426821307842006-06-30T17:53:00.001-04:002006-06-30T17:53:00.001-04:00I really feel for you. I've decided that as much ...I really feel for you. I've decided that as much as they want to understand (and some of them don't even go that far), fertiles are not going to comprehend the excrutiating emotional pain that infertility causes. I'm 41 now. I started actively trying since I was 38. For four years before that we weren't even on birth control. When I was 38 my friend got married - three months later she was preggers. I was stunned and upset. In a weird way I felt betrayed. I've never actually recovered from it (I know...I'm so immature!)and this friend even went on to get pregnant three months after giving birth because as she's said to me, "I'm 34 years old! I can't wait much longer!!"<BR/><BR/>What is even harder for me is my sister-in-law who had a child at 34 (pregnant the first month off BCP). Then last December she got married and announced she was trying again, "As soon as we say I DO, I'm gonna start trying!" Well, the first fricken month she hit the jackpot again. She's 39, overweight, drinks beer like a fish, and is a daily pot smoker (still does every day even throughout both pregnancies!) <BR/><BR/>During all these years my husband and I have had two pregnancy losses, several new infertility diagnoses, infertility treatments, and surgery. So far, nothing.<BR/><BR/>I used to be very happy for people who got pregnant. I thought it was a good sign that, "If it happened to them, it's gonna happen to me." Now, I feel differently and I guess there's a part of me that embraces the immature side of myself that can't deal. At least I'm nuturing this vulnerable side of myself that doesn't need logic, but needs love.<BR/><BR/>Both these women feel PITY for me, (which I can't stand!!!!!), but they don't know what to say and invariably end up saying totally the wrong thing. I completely put on a normal face, because I don't want them to know how much pain I'm in. I don't feel close enough to them that they deserve to know my level of vulnerability.<BR/><BR/>All I can say is, don't be hard on yourself for having less than noble feelings about your friend's pregnancy past or her current child (hey little kid, it's nothing personal). If you don't want to be all happy for all these pregnant women on their second, third, and fouth babies, DON'T BE. Be honest with yourself. Maybe, don't let them know how you REALLY feel, but don't try and attain some zen-like state of ultimate "love for everyone" bullshit.<BR/><BR/>And another thing - take a break from this gal if you can. I find it's so refreshing to spend time with my friend who never wanted children (and had a kid at 19 and loves him, but still says she wishes she never had children). It's great because she rarely asks me about my fertility quest and also doesn't base my worth as a fulfulled, complete woman on whether I can have a child or not.<BR/><BR/>Finally, back to your friend, if she's really worth it and you think you got something to work with, tell her a tactful version of how you feel and lay some boundries.<BR/><BR/>Good luckAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151704386181983152006-06-30T17:53:00.000-04:002006-06-30T17:53:00.000-04:00I really feel for you. I've decided that as much ...I really feel for you. I've decided that as much as they want to understand (and some of them don't even go that far), fertiles are not going to comprehend the excrutiating emotional pain that infertility causes. I'm 41 now. I started actively trying since I was 38. For four years before that we weren't even on birth control. When I was 38 my friend got married - three months later she was preggers. I was stunned and upset. In a weird way I felt betrayed. I've never actually recovered from it (I know...I'm so immature!)and this friend even went on to get pregnant three months after giving birth because as she's said to me, "I'm 34 years old! I can't wait much longer!!"<BR/><BR/>What is even harder for me is my sister-in-law who had a child at 34 (pregnant the first month off BCP). Then last December she got married and announced she was trying again, "As soon as we say I DO, I'm gonna start trying!" Well, the first fricken month she hit the jackpot again. She's 39, overweight, drinks beer like a fish, and is a daily pot smoker (still does every day even throughout both pregnancies!) <BR/><BR/>During all these years my husband and I have had two pregnancy losses, several new infertility diagnoses, infertility treatments, and surgery. So far, nothing.<BR/><BR/>I used to be very happy for people who got pregnant. I thought it was a good sign that, "If it happened to them, it's gonna happen to me." Now, I feel differently and I guess there's a part of me that embraces the immature side of myself that can't deal. At least I'm nuturing this vulnerable side of myself that doesn't need logic, but needs love.<BR/><BR/>Both these women feel PITY for me, (which I can't stand!!!!!), but they don't know what to say and invariably end up saying totally the wrong thing. I completely put on a normal face, because I don't want them to know how much pain I'm in. I don't feel close enough to them that they deserve to know my level of vulnerability.<BR/><BR/>All I can say is, don't be hard on yourself for having less than noble feelings about your friend's pregnancy past or her current child (hey little kid, it's nothing personal). If you don't want to be all happy for all these pregnant women on their second, third, and fouth babies, DON'T BE. Be honest with yourself. Maybe, don't let them know how you REALLY feel, but don't try and attain some zen-like state of ultimate "love for everyone" bullshit.<BR/><BR/>And another thing - take a break from this gal if you can. I find it's so refreshing to spend time with my friend who never wanted children (and had a kid at 19 and loves him, but still says she wishes she never had children). It's great because she rarely asks me about my fertility quest and also doesn't base my worth as a fulfulled, complete woman on whether I can have a child or not.<BR/><BR/>Finally, back to your friend, if she's really worth it and you think you got something to work with, tell her a tactful version of how you feel and lay some boundries.<BR/><BR/>Good luckAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151672702728162042006-06-30T09:05:00.000-04:002006-06-30T09:05:00.000-04:00With my best friend I have scripted several conver...With my best friend I have scripted several conversations in my head that I'd *like* to say to her, but in the end I've just kept my distance. My reasoning is that if I bring it up, i will get upset and I don't really need any more upsetness. Sorry you're not getting the support you deserve from herThaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12125639207843989848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151540718465172642006-06-28T20:25:00.000-04:002006-06-28T20:25:00.000-04:00Oh wow, that is a tough situation. She does not so...Oh wow, that is a tough situation. She does not sound like she is being a very good friend to you right now. I guess I would try a serious conversation with her about how you are feeling. If she still doesn't get it, then maybe keep your distance for a while. I hope everything works out ok,ilysehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02411171110422305589noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151533897652752282006-06-28T18:31:00.000-04:002006-06-28T18:31:00.000-04:00Like M said I think you deserve much better also.I...Like M said I think you deserve much better also.<BR/>I recently lost a bf of 22 years, why? Because I don't have a family and we have grown apart. That one hurt like a bitch, I don't know what to tell you honey. I hope y'all are able to talk some things out. It's hard for fertile people to understand what we go through... I never really talked to my BF about what happened with us, she won't return my calls, her mother told me this. I just hope you are able save the friendship if that's what you want to do. Friends that you've had for that long are precious gems...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151452682837016872006-06-27T19:58:00.000-04:002006-06-27T19:58:00.000-04:00omigod... sweety... if you were reading this accou...omigod... sweety... if you were reading this account on someone else's blog??? You'd be all OVER them! This woman is BEYOND self-absorbed... it sounds as though she's treating you as a conveniently disposable talking post.<BR/><BR/>Sorry... but I think you deserve better!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151437264438215932006-06-27T15:41:00.000-04:002006-06-27T15:41:00.000-04:00I would attempt a heart to heart. If it doesn't pa...I would attempt a heart to heart. If it doesn't pan out I would get some space between us, even as much as it might hurt, friends who cannot step outside themselves and give compassion are hard for me to stick with.<BR/><BR/>That is what I would do. Follow your gut instinct and do what you need to make it ok for you. Sorry this is rearing now, *hugs*cathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05499558026064730483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151385534264313992006-06-27T01:18:00.000-04:002006-06-27T01:18:00.000-04:00Hi S. Do you want to hear what I *would* do or wha...Hi S. Do you want to hear what I *would* do or what I think *should* be done? (hoho)I am reluctant to part with any friend that old or that close, but clearly some space is in order, at least for a while. Re: My own friend-from-hell: my mother told me ought to just let her go for the time being, and perhaps we would come back together later on. I think she's probably right.Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10517389518381988795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151369411042919702006-06-26T20:50:00.000-04:002006-06-26T20:50:00.000-04:00if she's your true best friend, then perhaps a rea...if she's your true best friend, then perhaps a real heart to heart may be in order.<BR/><BR/>if you love her, but she's just got her head up her ass, then it's OK to pull it out.<BR/><BR/>If she puts up a stink, then give her time.<BR/><BR/>it's SO freaking hard, S. I had to actually stop talking to my friends who 'werent' in the trenches" with me, because they just didn't get it. they got tired of hearing aobut it, to be honest. So I stopped talking to them. Even thoguh I really needed them.<BR/><BR/>So all of this to say, if you really need her, then tell her how much her apathy and self centerdness is hurting you; how much you need her right now.<BR/><BR/>If you don't need her support, then drop the topic entirely, because truly, she'll never get it.<BR/><BR/>love you,<BR/>SShellihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03159550437519461534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151357130564589032006-06-26T17:25:00.000-04:002006-06-26T17:25:00.000-04:00I have to say if you told her this..."look, I thin...I have to say if you told her this...<BR/>"look, I think that you're talking to the wrong person about this, because you've got one child already", <BR/>...and it didn't make her shut up- then she's not really worth talking to. May seem harsh but first of all you shouldn't have to tell her to be sensitive, but when you call her out on it or draw attention and stil she goes on- then either she has some brain disfunction or she's really insensitive. Either way, I know it's not what you want/can handle right now. And that's 100% fine.<BR/>I would be someone who would have to get it out, by email, phone or wahtever. But it is a good point that the last poster made.. would it do any good?<BR/>Hard choice but do what you feel you need to do- for you.Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05269753697770320385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8740212.post-1151355853000519342006-06-26T17:04:00.000-04:002006-06-26T17:04:00.000-04:00I have a similar experience with a friend of mine....I have a <A HREF="http://lutcass.blogspot.com/2005/12/like-rabbit-in-headlights.html" REL="nofollow">similar experience with a friend of mine</A>. <BR/>She's not quite as self-absorbed as your friend sounds. She does remember some of the things I tell her. But still, when I talk to her it's very clear that she has enough on her plate. So I've chosen to keep my distance. <BR/><BR/>The stress of shared custody (even very partial) is continuous, I suppose. So that might still explain part of it. <BR/><BR/>Perhaps the only common ground between you, is that you're both consumed by fertility related issues. Of course <BR/>you're looking at it from vastly different angles. <BR/><BR/>I can understand that you have a hard time listening to her. Truely, I do. <BR/>If she hasn't sensed this by now, will telling her make much of a difference? Or will you just lose a friend? Perhaps she's not the greatest friend to you now, but it might improve again later, when these issues are in the past.Lut C.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03893061829410958985noreply@blogger.com