Is There Anybody Out There?

 (One of my favorite Duran Duran songs, btw...)

Soooo....I was going through my bookmarks today and, lo and behold, this blog is still listed and out on Ye Old Interwebs.  Which is weird, considering the last post I had was apparently TEN YEARS AGO and it seems Blogger is like a dying T-Rex compared to what we use in terms of social media nowadays.  But, I did a deep dive/trip down memory lane and read through these old posts...wow, was I a whiny bitch!  I mean, not without cause, of course, but holy hell....it brought back a LOT.  The good,  the not so good (read:  fucking awful), and honestly some that are still fucking hilarious, even almost 15 years later.  Having a specially compounded progesterone suppository plop out of my whoo-ha and into the toilet when I stood up because I was stupid enough to insert it WHILE SITTING ON THE TOILET TO BEGIN WITH? Hilarious, I say! HILARIOUS! 

But, after reading all the shenanigans, I had to ask myself-what do I do with all this?  This started out as a diary for me-a way to preserve, for "posterity" the hard-fought journey to parenthood we had to take to create a human life that would hopefully be the best of the two of us.  It can't be discounted, or thrown away-it did happen.  Do I delete it all and forget?  Do I save it, maybe combine it into a site that documents what life has now morphed into?  Does anyone STILL read blogs at all, or even give a shit?

Since it's still obviously here, limping along, I figured, why not post something?  Maybe give the world a little update and test the waters to see who is still, in fact, reading or even checking this?  Who knows, perhaps some old dinosaur like me is actually looking for an update, unlike the most recent comments on my last post, which seems to be either spammers looking for me to CLICK THIS LINK, or are long comments in Russian, which could either be VERY indecent proposals or maybe spy encounters that could result in a visit from the local FBI office...but I digress.  Blame the perimenopause on that one.

If you're still on the playing field, here's what's been going on since I last was on here-I'll try to be brief, but well...if you're even slightly familiar with me that may be a 'lil hard to accomplish, but I'll try, to save your eyes from bleeding.  Can't make promises, though.

• We survived Hurricane Sandy (yeah, TOLD YOU it's been awhile).  The hubs lost his job not long afterwards (which royally sucked, but was a blessing in disguise because he was absolutely miserable), but they gave him a VERY generous severance package and also allowed him to file for unemployment, so financially it was status quo.  Except for the ACTUAL finding a job part, which wasn't working out so well.  He ended up applying in March of '13 for a great job in his field, and was offered the position but...it was in Florida, the Land of the Mouse.  1300 miles away.  We talked about it, and really, what was keeping us in NJ, besides our families?  And friends? And everything we knew and were comfortable with?  So we said fuck it, and threw caution to the wind, and moved to The Land of the Mouse.  Was it a good decision?  Ultimately, yes-it was a fresh start, one that looking back now was necessary.  Am I 100% happy here?  Not completely, but that's another post (if there is one, that is-jury is still out).  But, we ARE still together and and as happy as you can be when you've been married for almost 24 years (and together as a team for 29).  Is everything perfect?  HELLS NAH, SON.  But, he's my "person" and I wouldn't have it any other way-we've been through a lot together and made it through-a lot of people don't, so we're lucky.

• Due to the job change/relocation, we ended up living in the same city as my brother and his wife (who are now parents to three kids-MHN is going to HIGH SCHOOL next year, which is absolutely insane to me), and we live about 10 minutes away from each other, which is cool as hell because I get to see the kids all the time.  My parents followed us 18 months later with my grandmother-but grandma had to be put into assisted living because, frankly, it was too much for my dad to care for my mother AND his mother.  I got a teaching job in a charter school, HAAATED it (but met some awesome people who I'm still close with), got another job in ANOTHER charter school that made the first one look like Princeton, then moved to private, where I've been ever since. Yesterday was the end of my 23rd year in education, and, despite the ups and downs, I'm still hanging on.  Education has VASTLY changed, especially post-COVID (that's another whole conversation), and being in a state that doesn't really put education as a priority doesn't help, but at least in a private school I still have academic freedom.  And I met some kick-ass people, so that helps.

• We've had some kicks in the ass for a few consecutive years-my grandmother passed away in April 2016 (kidney failure), my father-in-law, unexpectedly, in June of the same year, which Sean took really hard (of course), and then my own mother in May of 2017, which is still something that I have a hard time discussing without wanting to break down into a hot mess.  Her cancer, which was never really curable, only treatable (as Ovarian cancer tends to do), and eventually, the treatments stop working.  She was admitted through the ER because she had fluid build up in her abdomen because of the metastasis of her disease, and was told by the oncologists that there was nothing more they could do, and she decided on hospice care-at that point, all she wanted was to go home.  We were able to do that for her, and she passed at 7:30 in the morning on May the 15th, the day after Mother's Day, with all of us there-we were able to thankfully have enough time to get her siblings here so they could say their goodbyes.  Dad was, understandably, devastated-they had just celebrated their 46th wedding anniversary the week before she died.  He lived in the house by himself until 2021, when we finally convinced him to sell the house and move in with us-he neglected his own health for years when taking care of my mother, and he wasn't really taking care of himself.  Dad was able to enjoy the last few years until he passed this past November (the 26th, the day after Thanksgiving), which started with a trip to the ER because he was having trouble catching his breath, and ended with him being diagnosed with late-stage emphysema, COPD and IPF (ideopathic pulmomary fibrosis), developing ARDS (if you're not sure what that is and want to look it up, trust me, dont-it sucks) after being transferred to the ICU and put on a ventilator, then being told that he wasn't going to survive off the vent.  Dad, being the person he was, asked for a pen and paper and wrote EVERYTHING down-where his will and the insurance policy paperwork was, and at the end wrote two words:  "pull plug".  He knew.  And he was tired. And missed my mother terribly-he was ready to be with her.  So, once we knew for sure, we honored his wishes.  I will say though...it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do-it makes all the years of fertility treatments look like a walk in the park. 

Tomorrow will be 6 months that he's been gone.  I still miss him every day.  It sucks that, as a grown-ass 50 something year old, I feel like an orphan, twisting in the wind, directionless.  I know, from my mother's passing, that grief will dull, eventually...but I'm definitely nowhere near there yet.  Maybe I never will, who knows.  But, I am grateful that I was able to take care of him, for a little bit.  He was happy, and didn't feel that crushing loneliness that I'm sure he did in the house where my mother died.  And, he quit smoking, finally-but too late to really help him at the end

So.....What Happens Now?

First of all, thanks for the kind words/comments/support from all of you out there in the Interweb.  I did read every one and it really did make me feel a bit better.  We really weren't surprised by the results, and, to be honest, weren't that gutted by the BFN.  Perhaps that's because we were still a bit numb from the DE failure (which was a blow), or maybe because, with only one embryo making it there really wasn't a fantastic chance to begin with, but we were actually able to deal with it quite well, all things considered.

Oh, and to the troll who posted that insanity?  You can go suck it. 

So, as to why I haven't posted.  Well.....it seems that I am now finally "gainfully employed".  It was official in August (in the midst of the cycle) so I didn't say anything, just in case something got screwed up.  But, thankfully everything went smoothly (for a change) and I am not teaching full-time, with a full-time salary AND BENEFITS!  Boo-fucking-ya, bitchez!  Needless to say, I've been running around like an asshole to get paperwork handed in, go to my new school and check out the scene and get ready for the new school year.   It's an inner-city elementary school (one of the largest in NJ) and yeah, it's not the greatest compared to where I've been in the past, but I really do like it so far.  The kids (I'm teaching 1st-5th grades, Special Ed and Bilingual classes) as a whole are great, the staff and administration is pretty supportive and I feel like I finally have a purpose, other than getting up in time to watch mindless daytime TV.  The district eliminated all it's K-8 performing arts teachers when our "illustrious" governor slashed the education budget a few years ago, so this school hasn't had music for almost three years.  It's really great to see how happy these kids are when I come in to teach.  It's been exhausting and stressful but definitely enjoyable.  So, we're getting back into the swing of things, finally.

---------------------------------------------------

We finally had our follow-up with BIC about the latest failure the other day.  Dr. Pipsqueak showed us the PGD report-out of the five embryos tested, two had trisomy 22, one had trisomy 13, one was classified "multiple abnormalities" (I don't even want to think about what that would be) and, of course, the normal one that didn't implant.  She said that they went through every piece of testing that I've done and they can't see anything that would point to some hidden factor that's inhibiting a successful pregnancy, except for bad luck.  She felt that the donor, although she initially seemed a good match, really wasn't the right one for us since, out of the three cycles she donated (ours included) she only had one success.  Dr. Pipsqueak suggested that we try another round of DE, if we were up to it, and she let us know that they had a donor already in mind for us-apparently she's like the cash cow of egg donors.  She donated once before, and we were told that the recipient now has so many leftover embryos that "she can't use them all in one lifetime" (her exact words).  Because of this, they're suggesting a shared cycle with two other couples-one fresh and two frozen.  We were informed that, even though we had a failed cycle, we were still at the top of the list, and therefore would be the primary recipients (meaning we'd get the fresh cycle).  Hey, I've got insurance now, WITH donor egg coverage!  Sign us up!

Well, since I was conveniently on CD 3, they drew blood and she did my ultrasound.  I have a saline sonogram scheduled in about three weeks-she wants to check the tubes as she saw what she thinks is a paratubal cyst on one ovary, but she wants to make sure that it's not the tube itself (in which case I'd have to have the tubes closed off....hey, they don't work, so what's the big deal, right?).  Then I got some prescriptions (OCP, and two antibiotics I have to take before the SHG), then we met with the financial coordinators about insurance.

And that is when, folks, we found out that we have maxed out on insurance.  4 attempts, lifetime.  And in "lifetime" they mean my lifetime, not the lifetime of the policy.  And that means, it's time to self-pay.  Game over.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCKITYFUCK.  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME????

So, now we're faced with a choice.  Obviously we don't have the $26K to pay out for a cycle (damn Powerball), so the nice lady gave us the option to possibly seek financing from a company that only underwrites loans specifically for fertility treatments.  I did a little research and it's not disgustingly expensive, assuming we'd get approved-I guess that's the benefit of not having too much in the way of bills.  But.....ugh.  A loan.  Paying out of pocket.  We're finally getting back on our feet financially and now this?  I refuse, absolutely refuse to ask my family for money-it's not fair.  Do I want to pay for a loan for something that could potentially not work?  Not really.

Then I realized something-they're suggesting a shared cycle.  With two other couples.  That means all the donor fees (medical, compensation and prescriptions) should, in theory, be split three ways, right?  So I shoot an email to the Nice Financial Lady at the clinic asking the very same question.  I got a response yesterday that said that they are looking into what the costs are (my clinic very rarely, if at all, does shared cycles) and that they would send me a new cost breakdown once they figure it all out.  So, potentially, our costs could be cut in half, which is not so bad.

Are we doing it?  Once I get the numbers, we'll apply for the loan and see what happens.   If we're approved, then we'll discuss it.  If not.......well, then I guess we're done, for now.  Or maybe for good.  I just wish that I'd get a clear feeling/answer/whatever about it.  It always seems like every time we get ready to do this, something happens that's bad, then something pretty decent happens to even it out.  Of course, nothing REALLY GREAT happens in terms of a successful pregnancy, so I just don't know what to do or think anymore.  I feel like maybe God is testing me to see if I'll give in to the insanity one more time and have it fail, or maybe He's trying to open that door for good this time. 

Either way, decisions will have to be made, eventually.  When it's ready to happen.

Ugh

BFN.  Again.

Dr. P made the phone call-she seems just as frustrated as we are right now.  The team will meet within the next two weeks to discuss the cycle and hopefully see if there are any answers they can give us.

At least she and I are on the same page-that there is something, some freak-ass thing that a doctor might see once in a lifetime, going on.  We've had two healthy cycles using my own eggs via PGD and a donor cycle that failed-there's got to be something that everyone's missing.  Hopefully they'll find out.

That is all.  I'm going to order a Mega-Sushi platter and get drunk as fuck until AF shows up.  I guess I'll post more as I hear it.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.

9dp4dt-Redux, Redux

I've been peeing on sticks since Wednesday.  All BFN.  I thought that I saw a glimmer of a line, reaaaally faint on one type of them (why yes, I bought several brands-the FRER, the generic one with the one line/circle window, the plus/minus-the round window ones were showing the faint line) but I think that it's an evap line.

I caved and did a digital this morning-which says "not pregnant".

So....we'll go in for the bloodwork tomorrow for shits and giggles, but I really think I'm out.  Again. And again.

I just don't know what to think anymore, except that perhaps being a family of two is the best we'll get at this point.  It's obvious my eggs are shit, so they won't be trying that again.  DEIVF didn't exactly work for us either, although I do think that perhaps it was the donor we chose (she only had one successful cycle out of the three she did).  Our clinic now partners with a donor egg bank which reduces the cost, but we've learned nothing is guaranteed-what's there to say that it would work?

We've had every test under the sun, everything else is considered normal.  For some reason those fucking embryos don't make it once they're transferred, which makes me feel even more pleased with my body-can't make good eggs, and certainly can't get them to implant.  I just feel like having everything removed just so I don't have to be reminded monthly of the fact that my body can't do what it's designed to do.

Let's not mention the fact that I'm less than two months away from the Big Milestone Birthday.  Honestly, how much longer can I keep doing this?  Do I really want to be the oldest mother in the class?  Isn't that a bit selfish?

Like I said, I really don't know what to think, or even WANT to think at this point.

I'm just too damn tired.

6dp4dt-Haven't I Seen This Movie Before?

Thanks everyone for the good ju-ju!  And, I do apologize for not posting my usual post-transfer countdown, but, well.....there's not a whole lot to report, really.  Here's the short-form version:

1dp (Thurs)-was a lazy ass all day on the couch.  A little brown spotting, no cramps.
2dp (Fri)-continued the lazy-ass theme.  I did go out and went to the mall and bought the CUTEST dress.  Sean had a haircut after work and we went out for dinner.  Still a little brown spotting, but nothing major, just on the TP.
3dp (Sat)-went for a bloodletting, then breakfast, then Costco.  Made brownies.  Went to a BBQ at the MIL's and ate WAAAAY too much food.  Slept in the chair due to food coma.  A little "full-feeling" and bloated, but nothing major in the way of side effects.  Nurse called and bloodwork looks great-progesterone is over 40.
4dp (Sun)-Church, where our friend Priesty Boy is posted.  He gave us the surreptitious sign of the cross "down low" as he put it, for the good ju-ju.  Went to a farmer's market afterwards, came home and took a power nap, had dinner.  Very tired-couldn't make it to 10 for my RHONJ addiction (I KNOW....don't judge me!).  Still spotting, nothing major, still brown and only on the TP.  A couple of ovary twinges, but that could be because they're settling down after retrieval. 
5dp (Mon)-Tired, bloated belly, occasional twinges, and sore, heavy feeling boobs-thanks, progesterone!  A little grumpy
6dp (Tues-today)-same symptoms, still brown spotting at times, blah blah blah.

As you can see, nothing to write home about. 

Now, it's coming up to that time when we of the infertile world like to call "Pee Test Mania", which is an compulsion anyone who's been TTC for a good amount of time.  We all rush out to our nearest pharmacy and pretty much buy out the Evil Pee Stick stock of whatever brand you like the best (or, you can be eclectic and buy a few of each) and then basically urinate on anything that has a litmus strip attached to it-there is a minority out there who do the pee-in-a-cup and dip routine-and then have a panic attack waiting to see if (1) the HCG trigger is tested out of your system or (2) the HPT is testing the "real" HCG your embryo is (hopefully) producing.  If it's negative you either freak out/make bargains with God/dance naked at midnight holding a lighted candle, or it's positive and you freak thinking that the line isn't dark enough and you're going to end up with a chemical.

So, where am I in the process?  Well, I DID buy the tests (2 boxes-one for each day, starting today) but I have yet to break them out.  I know that this is going to sound out of character, and no pun intended, but I kinda don't have the urge yet.  I'm not sure that it's because I'm a chickenshit, or that maybe it's because I don't want to start the roller coaster of emotions that I know will begin once I pee on that first stick, but I'm kind of "eh" about it right now.  I've found that I'm not as overly anxious about this 2WW as I usually would be-it's not that I don't care about the outcome, but my attitude is so mellow right now that it's sort of creepy for me.  I'm feeling like whatever is going to happen will, and no amount of urinating on plastic contraptions is going to change it, or make the results happen any sooner.  I'm not sure if it's me separating myself from it so as to not get super-emotional about it, or if that's my true attitude on it all, but there it is.  I'm sure I'll test eventually but I'm really not feeling the need to do it.  Realistically, with one embryo at 10dpo the odds of anything being picked up isn't great, even with the sensitivity of the tests, so why unnecessarily stress myself out? 

Now, the real question is....do I think that it worked?  Who knows-progesterone is such a bitch in that it mimics all those pregnancy "symptoms" that would theoretically happen if you weren't on the meds.  I really have no clue-there's no one thing that I can say I'm feeling that would point me in either direction.  No weird dreams, no "signs" that I can see.  I'm remaining hopeful, which is good, but I'm not really going to make myself crazy right now obsessing about it.

Perhaps that, in itself, is a "good sign".  I'll update you on the HPT start date...oh, who am I kidding, it'll probably be tomorrow, but we'll see.

Settled In

Well, there was a transfer this afternoon-yay!

The downside (if there is one, I suppose), out of the 5 embryos tested, only one was normal.

Dr. Pipsqueak did the transfer today, which was a first for us throughout this journey-out of all the retrievals and transfers we've had, she's yet to do one.  Even though there was only one, she seemed to be very excited about it-she said that it was a really good one and she was pleased at how it looked, and, more importantly, it was genetically healthy.

So.....we transferred a lovely morula.  It looked like it was starting to compact a little, so it's hopefully well on its way to being a blast.  Dr. P and the embryology staff told me in the OR that they all said a prayer to make sure that it was a good outcome, and I replied that Sean and I were going to ritually slaughter a goat in a pit we dug in our backyard and then dance naked around our fire pit.  Not sure if they thought that I was serious or not, but hey, whatever works, right?   Of course afterwards I got a little weepy and she gave me a big hug.  I told her that no matter what the outcome of this is, I couldn't thank her enough for everything she's done for us.  Even she got a little weepy at that, and it was at that point that I decided to christen the morula "Bobo".  Because, well, why the hell not?

10 days to go until we know.  Any prayers/positive vibes/juju/santeria chicken slaughtering that you're doing out there, please keep it up-it's definitely being felt by me right now, and I'm so grateful for all of your support.  Y'all rock!

Doing the Math **UPDATED**

Okay.....got the fert report this morning:

12 eggs retrieved, 9 mature and fertilized and, as of this afternoon, 5 made it through the first round.

All in all, not too shabby for someone who's on the last 9 weeks of their thirties.  Do I wish there were more?  Sure, but perhaps in all of this that's a bit of a greedy thought-I keep thinking of that woman in the bed next to me who only had one retrieved-what's there to say that it was mature or able to be fertilized?  Believe me.....I'm counting my blessings.

So....here's the game plan (as it's been explained to me):

They'll call me tomorrow in the afternoon to let me know how they're doing, and when the biopsies will be done.  Depending on their status, the biopsy could be done on day 3 (Tuesday) with a transfer on day 4 (Wednesday).  If they feel that they can make it to day 5 (Thursday), they will biopsy them then and freeze the normals for a FET next month-apparently they do this because, even though the company that does the testing is in the same town as BIC, they aren't guaranteed to get the results back in time for a day 6 transfer.  Hey, whatevs-I'm just going to go with the process.  Whether they do it this cycle or the next, it doesn't matter-what DOES matter is that they're normal, healthy embryos.

Hopefully we'll get two or even three out of this. Even though I am actually chill about this at this point in time, any good thoughts/prayers/white voodoo/offerings to the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be appreciated.

More (hopefully) later.

-------------

Got the call today-they're going to do the biopsy tomorrow, with transfer set for Wednesday at 1:15pm.  Worse case scenario (which I think you can figure out), they'll call us Wednesday morning.

Here we go!

A Carton Full

Yup, retrieval is done and over with. Not a bad haul, despite there being a ton of smaller follicles that weren't developed yet.

12 eggs in all. Which I'm grateful for-they brought someone into post-op after me who only got 1. I really felt badly for her-it's every IF girl's worst nightmare.

So.....I'll update more tomorrow. As for me....back to bed and a Tylenol dosing, and I'll be just dandy in the morning.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Holy Crap.....

I'm taking the HCG trigger tonight, at 11:00.  Retrieval is set for 9 am Saturday. No food or drink after midnight Friday.  Jeez.....it's like I'm a fucking Gremlin.  Oh, wait....I guess I am-considering that instead of dousing me with water in order to multiply, I'm going to have 10,000 IU of Novarel injected into my ass, and then have them sucked out of my body with a big-ass needle.  I'll bet Chris Columbus didn't think of THAT scenario when he wrote the movie-and he's lucky as hell that if he did, PG-13 ratings wouldn't exist for like six more years.

In other words, thank GOD for conscious sedation-that's all I've got to say about THAT!

I was really expecting to stim one more day, because at today's wanding most of my follicles (about 20 that were measurable) were at 13-14 mm, with the largest being between 15-17mm.  Nurse Blondie said that she was a little surprised, but that all four doctors in the practice looked at the numbers and thought that it was good enough to trigger.

So not ready for this, but it's too late-this is for realz now!

Percolating

So far, so good-we've got a bunch of good follicles (as to the number, to be honest I didn't keep count since there's still a bunch of little ones) bubbling away-the better growing ones seem to be on the right side as opposed to the left, but I've been assured that they should be able to catch up.  I'm definitely starting to "feel" them now, as well as some achiness, so hopefully they're cooking away in there.  I've told them to get a move-on, at least on the one side-this mama needs a good egg count!

What, you don't talk to your ovaries when you stim?  Shame, shame....how do you expect them to work?  Yeah, that's a lot like asking your cat to go fetch the remote from the kitchen counter because you're too lazy to get up and get it.  Oh, you don't do that either?  I guess that's just me....

(And please don't ask why I left the remote on the counter.......at least I didn't leave it in the fridge like I did the other day.)

As of yesterday, my E2 was at 785-not too snazzy for being on stims for five days and being an OHSS risk.  I went back today for a turn at the wand and bloodwork, and I suppose from here on out I'll start every day monitoring until trigger. 

The follicular fun has begun!  I'm going for the Gold!

Fifty Shades Of Mood Swings

Ok, here we are-day 3 of stims.  Or, what I like to term "OMGIWANTTOKILLEVERYONEWOWISITHOTINHEREIWANTTOCRYILOVEYOU"

So far, so-so.  The Menopur is....uh, interesting.  Mixing up the vial makes me feel all cool and scientific, as if I'm channeling my inner doctor, but the medicine stings WORSE than FolliSTING.  Serrriously.  Plus pushing in 1CC of it is a little daunting and freaks me out, but there's nothing I can do but grin (sting) and bear it.  It makes the FolliSTING injection a breeze compared to the Menopur.  Luckily I'm on a small dose of each (75IU-or one vial-of Menopur and 50IU of the Follistim) so it's not horrific.  Of course the first day I hit a vessel with the Menopur, which was not welcome, but otherwise, it's been okay.

Mood swings are back in force.  Holy SHIT....I was spoiled with the donor cycle because I completely blocked from my brain the mood swings and the edginess I feel on stims.  Yesterday Sean was lucky that I didn't kill him, and being touched in any way, shape or form sets my teeth on edge-and I mean a simple hug makes me feel claustrophobic right now.  I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, and it ain't gonna get any better.  I'm going to assume that either it's the Menopur (which I've never taken) or I've had some sort of amnesia because I don't remember it being this bad before.

I also had to freeze my gym membership and training sessions, for this month, on advice from Nurse Blondie-with my history of OHSS, and the fact that without BIC paying for 90% of the cycle (I'll explain that in a minute), I'm not about to take any chances. The only sucky thing is that it's a stress release for me, so it would actually help in terms of the edgy feelings, but there's no point in paying for this month if I can't do a whole hell of a lot.  It doesn't help that it's hotter than a witch's tit in an iron bra outside, so the few things I CAN do (walking) aren't exactly enticing right now.  I do have some 10lb barbells so I might try to get something in.  Hopefully the heat will break and then I can go for a walk in the park, or else I'm afraid that I'm going to end up staring at Sean in the middle of the night like that possessed chick from Paranormal Activity.  How's THAT for a visual, folks?

Follicle check #1 tomorrow morning.  Here's to hoping that there's a good batch brewing!

172,800 Seconds

That's the wait time until I start stims for this cycle.  For the Mathmatically Challenged, that's two days, y'all.

I still can't believe that I'm crazy enough to do this, and that this is really happening, but here it goes.  I stopped my last BCP on Saturday night, got the Migraine From Hell today, which is my usual main symptom before I journey into Hell get AF.   I go in for a follicle check on Thursday (which is also my mom's birthday) and if I'm clear......away we go!

This cycle feels weird to me, and not just because it's so unexpected.  Part of it is the unfamiliar antagonist protocol (as opposed to the agonist-AKA "Long Lupron") protocol-I've never used Menopur; although it seems pretty straightforward, I'm having a little anxiety in having to daily mix the vials up-luckily I'm only on one vial (or 75IU) a day, along with 50 IU of Follistim daily.  Plus, despite the fact that I'm a regular at the IVF Bar and Grille, the Menopur needles freak me out a little.  At least there are these cool little things called Q-caps that are for the reconstitution of the powder, which is cool and eliminates the whole "OMGWTF I just stuck myself in the finger" scenario that likes to replay in my head. 

I'm also a little freaked out since I'm what you call an "overachiever" in the follicle department-I know that this protocol is typically used for slow responders, and I'm scared that I'll get OHSS again.  Of course, I know that this really isn't going to happen, since they're going to watch me like a paparazzo at the Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart residence, but still.....hyperstimming ain't really that much fun.  Especially when you've been busting your ass at the gym and want to enjoy the last bit of the summer without people asking when you're due, when you're not even sure if you're knocked up yet.  Yah.....good times!


At least, as Thalia pointed out in my last post, it's going to go quickly.  The Long Lupron protocol is....well....LONG.  Like you wonder if you're in that movie Groundhog Day long.  This seems so much easier and less time-consuming, since you're knocking about two weeks off the process.  Hopefully with this protocol change I might not only make a good amount of eggs (which I and the RE is certain I will), but that they might more than likely be "good" eggs.  I did a little research on the supplement front, and I've found some data that using CoQ10 and melatonin is showing some preliminary positive signs of bettering egg quality.  Of course you're supposed to start these 3 months before cycling for maximum effect, but I started taking them last week.  The CoQ10 is taken at a pretty high dose (600-800 mg/day) but also has to be taken with a fat for better absorption, which is working out great with that fertility diet that I read.  The melatonin is 3mg/nightly, and both are taken up until retrieval.  Apparently, from what I've read, we lose both as we age, and it affects us from the cellular level, and CoQ10 especially seems supposedly helpful from everything to better heart health to migraine relief, and if it can't hurt, why the hell not try it-I've really got nothing to lose at this point.

But.....we have everything to gain.