The Dirty Little Secret

that RE's don't tell you when you've had a failed FET..

Is that your period, when it finally decides to show itself, is a lot like the Hoover Dam being released across Nevada.

Holy shit-it was like a crime scene in the toilet. If I had some chalk and police tape I'd have had to cordon off the bathroom and drawn an outline around the bowl. Not to be too gross (who am I kidding, it's an infertility blog, right? You all can handle it), but I was spotting for a day or so leading up to what I like to call "Bloodapalooza 2006", and when I sat down on the throne first thing Wednesday morning, it literally poured out of my whoo-ha. I'm totally serious-it just fell out. Blood, huge clots and all. I could have probably gotten a half-pint out of it and sent it to the blood bank, it was that much. It was the second most disgusting thing that ever happened to me (we won't discuss in detail the most disgusting thing-suffice it to say that it involved a seven-year old me, poop, a locked front door at my great-aunt's house, and a pair of ruined panties). I have to say that it's one of the few times in my life that I've regretted being female.

Apparently, it's "normal", due to the Estrace/PIO cocktail. Isn't it funny that what is considered "normal" in the IF world means "freak" to the rest of the child-bearing world?

Well, at least I more than likely raised the stock value of the company that makes Tampax. See, there are some benefits to infertility. Now, if I could only get my hands on some shares......

BFN

It's official. Not much else to say, I guess.

Stop all medications, wait for period (which I'm sure will be such a joy to have, considering all the drugs), call tomorrow to make appointment with Dr. Pipsqueak for a follow-up.

I'm really not surprised. Yeah, I'm sad, frustrated, and feeling more alone than ever. But I'm not going to think about it right now-I can't deal with it.

It really sucked to have to tell Sean-he's working one of the NYC fashion shows today, and I had to call him to tell him. Sorry babe, my uterus sucks big donkey balls. Better luck next time.

It's time to hit the wine, brie, sushi and Valium, and have a rip-roaring time. Although, I'd rather be up the pole, but beggars can't be choosers.

Same old shit, different flies.........I guess maybe I'm just used to the failure. Or perhaps my skin is thicker, who knows. All I know is that I'm not pregnant.

Yet again.

The Day of Reckoning

It's beta day. I went in this morning for the blood draw. It was busy there today, so I had to wait awhile.

I already know it's negative, so it was just a formality. Why, you ask? Because I tested this morning, before I left. One pink line-that's all. Yeah, I caved. I wasn't going to, originally, but I wanted to know so I could have some peace of mind.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't suck any less, but that I'm more accepting of it. I kinda had the feeling that it didn't work-it wasn't any one thing, but something was telling me that the test would be negative.

Of course, the fucking FRER'r could be wrong, and they are testing at 11dp3dt, so it could be a low beta, but I doubt it-it's easier to accept that it's negative rather than giving myself false hope, at this stage.

So, I'm off in about a half-hour for my audition-I'll give another update later when I get home with all the news......

8dp3dt-To Test, Or Not To Test-That Is The Question

Well, here we are, at 8dp the transfer. I'm feeling good today. It's also a full moon tonight, which will mean that the kids at school will be off the wall (I have Killer Kenny tomorrow morning-can't wait!). Now, I'm not sure about how the moon affects cycles exactly (perhaps someone can give me the Moon Cycle 101 on that), but I'm feeling much more positive.

That, and the fact that Cat owns a candle shaped like a cooter-I LOVE you! But, people, it's not a favor from a porn party or anything, it's a fertility candle, so keep your panties on (although, I do think it's weird that the candle should burn out within three days-perhaps it's not a coincidence?). Anyone who has one of those is my hero, that's for sure!

Really, though, I seem to be a chickenshit about testing. Do I want to put myself in a shitty mood for the weekend, knowing that I'm going for a beta that is going to be negative anyway? Or, perhaps the peestick will be positive, and I'll be a nervous wreck about it all weekend, thinking "What if it ends up being a chemical? What if I miscarry again?" Plus, I have an audition on Sunday, which is beta day.....what if I get the call during the audition? That'll not be good.

So, it's difficult to open that box of peesticks and get on with it. But, as they say, curiosity killed the cat, so I'm sure I'll end up doing it as some point.

Because I'm just a glutton for punishment.

7dp3dt-Back To The Grind

It's been a week today since Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern were squirted back into the cushy little condo that I call "The Love Shack" (aka, the uterus). Only four days to go. It will probably be the four longest days in the history of womankind.

Sunday's progesterone/estradiol check showed that all is well; so now, we just wait. No dildocam though........or, as Sean called it the other day.....the "Womb Wand".

And people say that I'm the funny one.

I did buy Evil Pee Sticks. And, yes, I even "tested" one out this afternoon-nothing there yet. Of course I could feasibly say that it's waaay to early to indulge in my addiction. Or I could say that it didn't work.

I'm going with the former-it's better for morale.

Let's see, is there anything on the "obsessing over symptoms" front yet? Well, I've been exhausted for the past few days, but that could be happening because I've gone back to work after sitting on my fat ass all summer. I've had a few headaches-I had one so bad this morning that it woke me up early and I had to grab for the Tylenol. I think that it's sinus though. I did feel nauseated after lunch today (due to headache, I think). I took more Tylenol, but the queasiness got worse for a bit, then went away-I actually thought for a split second that I was going to yak during my kindergarten class (which would have traumatized them, I'm sure), but it passed. Again, probably because of headache. No sore tits, though. A little crampy feeling at times, but not painful-it feels more like when you think your period is on it's way, but you know it's not time yet. What a mind fuck.

I do have to say that one really good "side-effect" of the meds is the lovely clearing of my skin-I haven't had my skin look this good in AGES! I feel sexy........now, if only big, bloated wobbly bellies were considered sexy, I'd be a veritable goddess of perfection....*snigger*

I've decided that I'm going to test-as to when I'll start, I'm not sure yet. I bought a box of tests that had a freebie in it, so I've now got three tests. I'm sort of scared to test, though. The last time I tested for a FET, I got a positive, and then later all hell broke loose. In some ways, I don't want to know. But, in another way, I want to at least prepare myself if it is negative, so as not to put Hope into that chair the morning of the beta blood draw. I don't need her ass in there if I'm not.....well, you know the word. I won't say it here....the word in the infertility world is like saying "MacBeth" in a theater (or, as we learned to say, the "Scottish Play")-just bad luck all around.

I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy with this wait. The jury is still out as to whether this worked or not-I just can't "tell" from my body right now, since it's hopped up with hormones. Just frustrating.

Time to take a catnap before the Sean-a-nator gets home (sans dinner tonight--I'm too beat to cook). I'll try to come back again with some sort of thing.....perhaps a 100 Things You'd Like To Know About Me?

Not that I think anyone gives a rat's ass about my life, but perhaps it will help in distracting me for........hopefully......four more days.

Four days.

September Morn......

I woke up this morning to the strains of my lovely husband singing the opening phrase of "September Morn".

I promptly started to whine and pull the covers over my head.

September 1st. Back to work. School "officially" starts on the 5th, but our contract requires that we go in the day before the kids start.

Blech.

I walked into school this morning (my "crap school"-we had to report to what our normally scheduled Friday school would be), and it was like I hadn't left.........and it wasn't a good thing.

All the stress and aggravation and bullshit dropped down from the ceiling, where it's been hibernating since June, and decided to get a piggyback ride on me. I hadn't realized until that moment that I SO didn't want to go back. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready for the politics and nepotism and crap. I had to actually take a moment to center myself and de-stress, or else I'd be a wreck.

It's so hard to explain everything I find wrong with where I am-there's so much that plays into it, and plus I have no idea who the hell reads this (besides my Barren Bitches and Stirrup Queens), so I don't want to get dooced. Suffice it to say that this district is rife with gladhanding and nepotism, and if you don't kiss ass, you don't get ahead. Top that off with administration who will figuratively throw you under the bus rather than defend you, in order to protect their own agenda.

Yeah, I do know that the time is coming where I need to make the decision to stay or move on. I would ideally want to finish my Master's Degree in Education before I leave (to be more marketable), but I still have halfway to go. I'd also want to start my Masters in Music, but that could wait until I'd move districts. I need to find a place where I feel challenged and valued, where I can try new things (or have the opportunity to). I don't want to be in a place where "if you don't cause problems, you're okay" is the mantra.

Of course, I get the niggling idea in the back of my head that it would also be wonderful to get pregnant this time around, go on maternity and child-rearing leave and.....well......not go back for awhile. Unfortunately, it's not a realistic thought, due to finances. Plus, we want to eventually move, and we can't do that on only one salary. But, I did fantasize a bit about how we could manage it.....I could cantor and maybe teach piano and voice privately, I wouldn't have to worry about benefits because of Sean's benefits, blah blah blah. I do know that it's just a dream, but maybe if I hit the lottery..........yah, right.

So, today is 2dp3dt. Apparently, the embryos (named Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern) could implant (should they decide to) from anytime today onward. I don't feel any differently, other than being tired and nauseated, but that's from the Estrace and PIO (and the lovely bruises on my tush). I am honestly trying not to think about what's going on inside the ute right now. I'm trying not to obsess or stress, and so far, it's been working. Once we get to next week, then that's another story.

I have to find something to fill the time........

What Would You Do? *Updated*

I have a slight dilemma.

No, it's nothing serious, really-no spotting, no pain. In fact, I feel pretty frickin' good right now.

It's about whether or not I should cancel a twatotologist appointment.

I called for an appointment for my annual exam and pap smear way back at the beginning of July, and the first available appointment was for Tuesday, September 5th. Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it? It doesn't help that my twato is in a fairly busy practice, and he goes on vacation for two weeks in August. Oh, well.

Anyway, I made the appointment thinking that we'd have done this FET cycle already. I didn't figure that we'd be doing a syntethic cycle, or that it would've taken as long as it did. Now that we're in the (sort-of) two-week wait, I'm apprehensive about having him poking around down there before I know whether it worked or not. I called Big Important Clinic and spoke with Nurse Blondie, and she said that she didn't see any reason why I shouldn't be able to have a pap and exam, and that it shouldn't be detrimental But, I'm still unsure.

My instinct says to reschedule. Perhaps that's being overcautious, but I'd rather be that than too lax. And, I have to do it either today or tomorrow morning, as they require 24 hours notice for cancellations (and with it being a holiday weekend, I can't call on Monday).

So, what would YOU do?

--------------------------------------------------------------- *updated*

Thanks for the replies and for reassuring me that I'm not being paranoid. Twato's appt was duly cancelled this afternoon and rescheduled for the end of the month. Hopefully, though, it will become an OB appt.......

Thanks again-you guys rock!

The Deed Is Done

Everything went well.

There were 5 embryos thawed. Out of the five, two made it-one 7-celled and one 5-celled (which was dividing right then and there). So they did Assisted Hatching and transferred the two in. It was pretty cool to watch, actually-the embryologist came out and checked my wristband and info, then told me that she put the monitor on so I could watch her load them into the catheter. The nurses pointed out on the screen where they were, and they were so tiny. We had to repeat it as one of the embryos didn't come out of the catheter and they had to redo it-the nurses and RE joked that it "must be a boy-the boys always do that". Then they wheeled me out, I rested for 20 minutes, peed like a racehorse, dressed and went home.

I go in for a progesterone check on Sunday, then the beta will be on Sunday, September 10th. The day before Sean's birthday. I won't try to read into that one....

So, that's it-I'm gonna hang out on the couch for the rest of the day, and just wait....

Oh, yeah........we were also given a picture of them-I'll post them tomorrow (along with their "names").

Back to the couch-rest......

Shit, Or Get Off The Pot

Well, my friends, it's that time. Again. D-day is just about here. In about 15 hours I'll be assuming the position and will hopefully have a couple of good embryos transferred.

As of today, lining is at 9mm-good enough. I was kind of wishing that it would be at 10 by now, but hey-9 is good. The RE seems happy with it, so I guess I should be too.

I had my PIO shot tonight-had to go to M's house, as she wasn't feeling too well. Although I did have to venture out in the crappiest weather ever, there was a benefit-I've now got a shiny new Batman adhesive firmly attached to my right ass-cheek (courtesy of J, who wanted to "help"). Shit, if I didn't have to shower tomorrow, I'd leave it on to make the nurses laugh. Should've got an extra one......

I've got my big-ass bottle of water at the ready, a reminder to not wear any fragrances (ewww.....) and the poonanny will be checked for neatness in honor of the RE's arrival with the Catheter of Hopes and Dreams.

Thanks for the well-wishes (and D2 fans-YAH!)-really, they mean a lot to me right now. More than I could ever express with the paltry written word. I'm having a hard time right now-I'm going back and forth between "I really think this will work this time" to "Oh, boy-you're SO fucked". I'm trying not to jinx myself, but.........well, you all know what it's like to let that crooked auld sow called Hope in. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. Or expect too much-I always get the shaft on that one (and it's not the "shaft" that we all want, unfortunately).

I'll be back tomorrow to update afterwards with all the juicy details. You're all the best, truly-I wouldn't know where I'd be without you all out there in Bloglandia.

Let the Two Week Wait Begin........

(Waiting For The) Nightboat....

The call came. You know.............the CALL.

August 30th, 1:30pm-be at outpatient clinic with a big-ass bottle of water.

Transfer will be at 2:30pm. No word on the embryos yet-we won't hear anything until Wednesday afternoon, which scares the shit out of me, but since it's nothing I can control I refuse to dwell too long over it.

I go for a pre-transfer wanding and bloodletting tomorrow morning, and then.......I wait.

Ergh........

If you could name the artist of the above song title, you're my NBF (New Best Friend).....

Cravings.......Nothing More Than Cravings......

I've been having some food issues lately. I go back and forth between not being that hungry to being ravenous-like I'll rip your arm off if I don't get food, STAT.

That, and the.......uh.....digestive issues that are cropping up. Don't want to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities, but suffice it to say that most times, after I eat, the need to use the bathroom overrides any other activity. Which sucks when you're in public. Need I say more?

I know that it's the Estrace talking. I checked with Dr. Google, and it's all part of the side effects. But, I'm trying to eat healthy foods, and smaller meals more times during the day (even when I'm not hungry, which isn't the best feeling), so I don't get that feeling. I'm also really REALLY trying to not pay attention to the cravings, or otherwise I'd become a house.

Of course, I should have been paying more attention last night when I asked Sean to go out and get me a Reese's ice cream sundae from Friendly's. Complete with peanut-butter and fudge sauce, whipped cream and cherry. And when I finished the whole thing. Oh, did I mention that I'm lactose-intolerant, and didn't take anything beforehand? Yeah. You can probably envision the rest of THAT scenario.

Just wait until we add PIO to the cocktail-that's when the REAL fun begins.

Sean says that it's good practice for him when (oh, he's so positive!) I'm the P-word. And, he's been a trooper, I'll give him that.

Let's hope that he'll have lots of time for practicing. About 9 months of it.

Seven Days

It reminds me of that movie "The Ring", where they get the phone call and you hear (think scary whisper):

".........seven days........."

and then the phone disconnects.

Seven days until the transfer of some (hopefully) good embryos.  I find out in 5 days how many embryos they thawed and the status of them. 

I've decided that, at this point, there's nothing that I can do.  Things are either going to work, or they're not.  And that makes me feel better.

Seven days.

A Sigh of Relief...At Least, A Little One

I spoke with Nurse Blondie this morning over the phone about my FET dates. She reassured me of the following:

1. My lining is at 8mm, which is good for transfer.
2. The reason for the 8/30 transfer date is not because my uterus is a shitstorm or my ovary is playing Hide the Salami, but simply because they wanted to make sure that Dr. Pipsqueak was the one doing the transfer, instead of the RE on call for the week.
3. They don't need to see me this week, so I don't have to go in for monitoring until the 29th.

So I'm breathing a small sigh of relief. Plus, Blondie (I love her, btw!) assured me that, although my lining is good for transfer, another week on the meds will only make it better-she's predicting 10mm by transfer (I should have wagered a bet, but hell.....I'm piss poor right now).

As for school starting-eh. I'm feeling "eh" about everything. I still haven't gotten jack shit from my department head about my schedule or even if I'm posted in the same schools this year. Since we start soon, perhaps that would be nice, huh? It would be helpful to have some notice if I have to move crap from one school to another. But, I refuse to stress about it. I have to be as relaxed as possible those first two weeks of school, no matter what.

I have no choice not to. The alternative is just not acceptable to me.

S and The Incredibly Annoying Perpetual Synthetic Cycle

I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning for monitoring-I was out of the house at 6am, and at the office by 6:30. Needless to say, I am wiped out right now, and not in the best mental state to write this.

When am I ever in the "right" mental state? Yeah, you get the point.

Here are the three reasons I'm not getting a good feeling about the outcome of this FET (although, if I'm wrong I'll gladly eat my words, with a side of sarcasm):

When I got in this morning there was a minor calamity going on. Apparently, the computer system in the department went down, so everything had to be done longhand, which took forever. When the vampire blood-sucking wildebeast from hell lovely phlebotomist took my liquid gold sample
from my arm, she had to move the needle because the flow of blood stopped. Uh....can you say holymotherfuckingshitfuckingwhorethatHURTS! Yeah, I knew ya could....

Then, during my date with the Uterine Lurve Wand, the RE (not Dr. Pipsqueak this time, it's Dr. Cheery) finds a big cyst on the left side of my ovary-a large dark mass. She doesn't seem concerned though, as she feels it's a leftover corpeus luteum cyst from last cycle (she said that the telltale sign is the ragged edges of the cyst). Although why she didn't see that before today is unnerving and freaking me out, but okay, I'll go with it...

So, off I go to work (it's my weekend to sing). Whilst I'm at work, nice nursey (not Blondie) calls, and
Sean takes the message as to what I need to do. Here it is:

*This week, stay on the same dosages (.05 IU Lupron, 2 tabs Estrace 3x daily)
*8/27-Stop Lupron, start PIO injections, Doryx and Medrol (I'm assuming that they'll start thawing too)
*8/28-Wait for phonecall from office as to time of transfer
*8/29-Go in for morning monitoring
*8/30-Transfer day, time TBD

Now, there's nothing said here as to whether or not I need to come in this week for monitoring, which baffles me, so I have to call Nurse Blondie in the morning to see what the deal is.

So, the transfer date is the 30th-I go back to school on September 1st-Yah, let's have the 2ww during the first two weeks of school.......sweet........

The whole point of doing a FET in the summer was so that I could be stress free! What is taking so fucking long? I feel like I've been on the drugs for months now-I've been on the Lupron since August 1st, and the Estrace since the 7th (13 days now)-shouldn't that have been enough?? ARRGH!

I guess that technically I'm on day 13 of this cycle, since I had a "period" (it's really withdrawal bleeding, but hey, let's not get hung up on semantics), so I can't complain that much, but it feels like fucking forever (I started the BCP's back on July 23rd). I'm starting to experience more of the side effects now-I feel more agitated, and less likely to have patience. That should be fun during the first two weeks of school, right? Especially when I teach my 6 kindergarten classes, when they're all freaking out and crying.........yeah, that should be real fun. Can't wait.

With the way I'm feeling right now, I'd rather stick a sharpened #2 pencil in my eye. Or, someone else's. I'm not going to discriminate.

Well, I've got a tentative transfer date-I should be happy, right? Then why do I think I am seriously screwed? I can feel it, creeping up on me, like a fungus. I'm trying to be positive, but it's getting really difficult.

Nesting, In More Ways Than One

Lining check, as of yesterday-7mm. Estrace dose upped from 2 pills twice daily to two pills three times daily. I go back in on Sunday morning for another date with the Wand.

They're tentatively telling me that the transfer will be sometime next week, but I'll have more info on Sunday as to an exact date.

As for side effects, they're not too bad. Sometimes I feel a little queasy or dizzy-more so in the past day or so, since the dose is upped-and I'm bloated and tired. No wacky mood swings though, which is a treat. Oh, yeah, and I'm breaking out like a fifteen-year old, which is always a joy. Remind me to take out my leg-warmers and stirrup stretch-pants so I can truly look the part.

It's one of the reasons that I'm looking forward to the progesterone. It makes my skin and hair look FAB. Sounds sick, doesn't it? Looking forward to getting my ass jabbed with a two inch needle so I can have nice skin and hair. I call it a fringe benefit, thankyouverymuch.

So, Dr. G seems pleased with the progress. I've never done a medicated FET before, and my last FET they didn't really go into detail about lining-they were more preoccupied with whether or not I ovulated, so I'm not sure that if the lining is good for being on Estrace for nine days (now ten). We'll find out soon enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------
I've got two weeks reprieve until the prepping for school starts. I'll have to go back and set everything up, get class listings, open supplies, blah blah blah. Although, this year will be interesting, since I'll be doing this post-transfer, and can't lift anything heavy. So, it will be a little limiting-depending on my schedule (which I still don't have yet), I'll have to set up one school more than the other, since I travel and am never in the same place. Yuck.

I was hoping, when we started this FET, that I'd be already post-beta by the time school began, but it is quickly becoming a pipe dream-in fact, beta day looks to be around the first week of school. I didn't want to have to be traveling back and forth to the clinic those first few weeks, since it will be hectic (especially because I'll have a new principal-again-in one of my postings), but since I can't control it, I won't worry too much about it. There's nothing I can do to change it.

I am sort-of ready to go back. Not ready for the stress, the nasty kids, the teachers that treat me like crap or the lack of administrative support-I'm never ready for that. But, I've made an educational resolution to really try and not let those things fill my brain and make me mental. Teaching can be stressful enough, and, should this FET work, I want to be as zen as possible.

Also, the odd thought of "perhaps I won't be there for the entire year" helps with that resolution. Which I push out of my head as soon as it flies in there. Don't want to hope, just yet-it's too early for that.

Busy Busy Beaver

Yes, I'm still alive. We were busy this weekend-my parents moved to the Jersey Shore and Sean and I went to help with the unpacking. I do have to say that it was nice to sleep at home last night!

I had a monitoring appointment on Friday, before I left for the Shore. Dr. G did the wanding and found that my lining was a little thin, and there was fluid in my uterus-wtf? So she asked me if I had any bleeding, and I said I did, but it stopped two days before. Turns out that there was a blood clot in there that was keeping everything else from voiding, and she had to get a speculum and catheter suck the fluid out-yummy! But, she did up my dose of Estrace, so that's what is important, right?

I'm starting to feel a bit more of the side effects of the Estrace-bloating, a little dizziness and some queasiness-that I'm sure that will increase when the dose is upped again. I just feel like a fat mess right now, like everything is spreading out. I'm not even really hungry, either. I go back tomorrow again, so hopefully we'll find out if there's a projected transfer date.

Grow lining, grow! Momma needs to transfer some totsicles in there!!!

Props, and Hooray for Estrace!

I have officially been "cleared". I took my first Estrace tablet about two hours ago, with another one scheduled for later tonight. I'm on my way, people. And about bloody time, too.

As for my last post/webslap-that was WAY overdue, in my opinion. That was for every person who gave me retarted assvice, for every Fertile who didn't even try to understand. It was four years in the making, and, although it sucks to have to do it, it was necessary and cleansing, emotionally. So, I'm not sorry that I did it. It was done for all of us, really. It was the proverbial letting off of steam, in print form. And I feel a hell of a lot more centered and emotionally grounded now.

But, words cannot express how much you guys fuckin' ROCK out there in Bloglandia. I meant what I said-I AM proud to be a Barren Bitch and to be a part of this community. That's not to say that we all wish that we never had to be in our collective situations, or that we don't want to be "different" from other women; but, no matter how we ultimately have our children (or whether we have them at all), it is infertility that is a part of our being-like it, or not.

I've found more support here than within my own family and circle of friends. And it's a community of people that I've never physically met (with the exception of a few of you). It's just amazing how something like infertility (or any issue, really) can cause you to bond with women around the world, withough ever setting foot in front of each other. Just amazing.

Thank you, all of you-it's nice to know that you've got my back. And, know that I'll always have yours, no matter what.

The Moodswing Pendulum

Whoo-hoo......gotta love those hormones. I am feeling better today, though-at least, so far. Mood swings are like tornados-you don't get much warning before it hits. And, woe is anyone who stands in its path *drawing finger across throat*.

And, yeah Manuela-itchy boobs. Right around the nipple. For some reason, it always happens when I take the Pill-I remember that happening, as well as a feeling of soreness and fullness (which hasn't happened yet), when I first went on the Pill back in college. And, since it's not exactly socially acceptable to scratch your tits in public, it's a testament of willpower not to have my hands in my bra constantly. *sigh* I think I saw a porno like that once......*nod to Cleolinda's parody of HP&POA-read it here if you've seen the movie and want to pee your pants*

It's weird about this FET-some people know that we're doing it, and they want to talk about it whenever I'm around (like M), and I really have no desire to discuss any of it. Not because I'm not glad we're moving forward, but I'm trying to have the mindset that if I don't think about it, perhaps it will actually work. Stupid, I know, but I'm just tired about talking about my reproductive organs all the time. There's more than that to me, dammit! I actually told M yesterday that "my reproductive organs are not up for discussion today". And I don't give a rat's ass if she was offended or not. I'm just getting weary of being defined by whether or not I'm able to have children. So, perhaps that's the rationale behind not discussing it. That, and the more people that don't know what's going on, the less pressure there is on us.

And that's a very good thing, let's face it.

I Hate People

Well, everyone-we have now entered day three of birth control pills. And the fun has certainly begun.

Moodswings.

Zits

Itchy boobs.

Wanting to rip your husband's testicles off because he can't understand why you don't want to light the oven to make Texas Toast with dinner. (Because I said so, dammit-don't argue with me-I keel you!)

Staying upstairs to avoid aforementioned husband so as not to detach his testicles, just in case we need them again. Plotting revenge for dinner (in fact, I was in the middle of cooking when he started bitching about the bread, and I threw the frying pan across the stove and announced that he could "make his own fucking dinner") that I did not eat. Thanks, babe.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope between sanity and going absolutely raving, barking mad. Like, if someone gave me the stinkeye, I'd probably be arrested for assault. And I'm not even overexaggerating-I can't be trusted not to freak out right now.

Nurse Blondie called this morning and let me know that I begin my Lupron on August 1st, which will be adding even more fun and games in the hormonal department. I think I'm going to get a t-shirt made with a disclaimer, just in case-it's better to be safe than sorry (or incarcerated).

This just sucks. It sucks that I even have to do this. It sucks to be not in control with my emotions.

I hate everyone today (not you guys-you GET it). Let's hope tomorrow will be better.

Checking Into The Red Roof Inn

And it's about time, too. I was starting to wonder whether my Red Guest was going to show or not.

Cycle day 1. Yay. I'll be at Big Important Clinic Sunday morning, bright and early, for my bloodletting and a date with the Follicular Lurve Wand. And hopefully will start the OCP's that day.

We're on our way, people.