Today certainly seems like the day that people are getting the insurance shaft. Cat mentioned in her blog today that she's been dealing with half-assed insurance reps and admins in the RE's office all week, so I think that it's contagious or something. Dealing with insurance and dim-witted personnel really sends me over the edge-granted, Cat's drama has been a week-long event (sorry, girl-I hope it straightens out for you), and mine just a day-outing in comparison, but I've been there in the past, and it really blows.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the IF clinic that Dr. Vest uses for procedures (a pretty well-known one here in NJ) giving a breakdown of the prices for my FET, and "requiring" me to sign the forms and leave a copy of my credit card on the day of the procedure to process the charges on. Huh? I've got insurance, we've got a mandate for infertility coverage in NJ-wtf? Plus, I don't have $5300 in my bank account just waiting to be spent-if I had that much money, sorry to say, my first thought wouldn't be "hey, let's spend it on infertility!". Needless to say, I wasn't a happy camper when I read that
Since my district conveniently changed my insurance coverage as of 7/1 (from Oxford to Horizon Blue Cross/Blue Shield) and also quite conveniently forgot to send me a benefits book, I had to call the insurance company to go through my benefits. The first rep I got on the phone was obviously new. The reason I could tell was because they constantly put you on hold to "check" on something (ie. checking with a more experienced rep) before they give you a definite answer (I know this because I was once one of those inexperienced reps-I worked in a customer service call center for health insurance for about 7 years). So, just because I've been burned before, I explain the need for exact wording and ask to speak to a senior rep or a supervisor, who she transfers me to.
The senior rep was very pleasant. She went through everything covered, and even went through everything the clinic sent me, saying it was all covered under the mandate. I asked her for something in writing, and she regretfully (or so I interpreted) tells me that she can't mail or fax anything, but sets up something in the computer and gives me a reference number, telling me that I could give it to the clinic as verification (it documented my call and what the rep told me).
I called the board of ed office and spoke to the payroll person, asking what happened to my book. She tells me that I should have gotten one at the benefits meeting. I tell her that we were told that we were not required to go to the benefits meeting, unless we had specific questions. So I ask her to send me a book, and she says that I can pick it up at the central office. *grumble*. It's really not a big deal (it's three blocks from my house), but it's the principle of it. Bitch.
Finally, I call the clinic back, trying to get the collections manager on the phone, who is a real bitch on wheels. I've dealt with her before (on the whole cryopreservation thing) and she just isn't nice AT ALL. I know that it's her job and all, but, she's dealing with women who are, for the most part, pumped up on hormones. I'm surprised that she hasn't had her life threatened, car keyed or tires slashed yet. Of course, she was on the phone, so I leave a voicemail message (which she tends to not respond to) stating that I got her letter, spoke to my insurance and that I had some questions. That was almost three hours ago. I seriously doubt that she stays past 5 o'clock. Which means that the drama will pick up again tomorrow morning.
The FET is scheduled for 9:30 EST on July 30th, barring any insurance or thawing issues.
Only 40 and a half hours to go. I hate waiting.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
More news
Nursey P from Dr. Vest's office called just now.
The FET is scheduled for sometime on Saturday, July 30th. I start taking the Medrol and the gassy-biotic on Thursday, in preperation for the transfer.
Holy shit.
It's really happening.
Please God, let it work.
The FET is scheduled for sometime on Saturday, July 30th. I start taking the Medrol and the gassy-biotic on Thursday, in preperation for the transfer.
Holy shit.
It's really happening.
Please God, let it work.
And the winner is......
Here's the outcome of my callback for "The Pirates of Penzance" (or, as I lovingly call it-"Pirates in my Pants").....
I showed up for the callback, get my number (163) and pin it on my shirt, and wait. and wait. and wait.
Auditions are all about waiting. There's a funny dynamic in there-it's a psychoanalyst's dream situation. People are having mini-freakouts, or trying to name-drop so you can know how "important" and "talented" they are. I tend to bring a book or magazine and just read, and not bother with anyone-it's easier that way.
I finally go in to sing, and I didn't do that well. I ended up having to sight read the piece, since I don't know the show all that well. I was pissed off at myself, because I am usually much more prepared and didn't have the time, and went home to sulk. I am not even home a half-hour and the phone rings-it's the theatre. Oh, shit, I think, I'm cut.
I got the part. THE LEAD. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT.
If you're not a theatrical/singer type person, the role of Mabel is a BIG deal. HUGE deal. It's a really difficult part to sing, and Gilbert and Sullivan operetta's are horribly complicated to sing, but fun as hell.
Wow-I guess it goes to show you that things aren't always what you perceive them to be.
P.S. I got a "peak" on my handy-dandy ClearPlan monitor yesterday and today-life can't get better than this!
I showed up for the callback, get my number (163) and pin it on my shirt, and wait. and wait. and wait.
Auditions are all about waiting. There's a funny dynamic in there-it's a psychoanalyst's dream situation. People are having mini-freakouts, or trying to name-drop so you can know how "important" and "talented" they are. I tend to bring a book or magazine and just read, and not bother with anyone-it's easier that way.
I finally go in to sing, and I didn't do that well. I ended up having to sight read the piece, since I don't know the show all that well. I was pissed off at myself, because I am usually much more prepared and didn't have the time, and went home to sulk. I am not even home a half-hour and the phone rings-it's the theatre. Oh, shit, I think, I'm cut.
I got the part. THE LEAD. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT.
If you're not a theatrical/singer type person, the role of Mabel is a BIG deal. HUGE deal. It's a really difficult part to sing, and Gilbert and Sullivan operetta's are horribly complicated to sing, but fun as hell.
Wow-I guess it goes to show you that things aren't always what you perceive them to be.
P.S. I got a "peak" on my handy-dandy ClearPlan monitor yesterday and today-life can't get better than this!
Hope Springs Eternal
Shelli came to see my matinee on Sunday, then afterwards we proceeded to go and snarf on food and tear the show apart (including Di-VA-hee hee), which was fun-I'm glad you were there, girl!
So, here's the other thing thing that I was supposed to write about on Sunday night, after the show, but I was too damn tired to look at the frickin' computer at all.....
I went to an audition on Saturday afternoon, for "Pirates of Penzance" at a company called Phoenix Productions. They perform at the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, NJ, which is a beautiful space that was recently renovated and is a historical landmark (I think). I show up, sing my 16 bars, and expect to hear the usual "thank you", but behold! The producer tells me to come back in the afternoon for a callback for the principal role of Mabel (a HUGE role). Since I had about three hours or so to kill, I did what I think most people do when they're unfamiliar with their surroundings-I look for the closest Starbucks.
I find one (of course I did-this is America, right?), get my iced decaf, sit in a comfy chair and beat the heat of the day, trying not to wig out that they called me back for the part. On the way back to the theatre, I start browsing around main drag of Red Bank, and I see this new-age store, and I go in, just to browse (and beat the heat-it had to be 95 degrees outside). I see this sign hanging up saying "psychic fair", and I say to myself "well, why the hell not", and I sit down for a ten minute, $10 tarot reading.
Now, I want to preface this next part by saying that I am not usually one to believe in psychics, tarot or anything that predicts the future in any way. Not because I'm afraid of it, think that it's evil or anything like that, but because a lot of times these people are full of crap and tend to ask leading questions, or that people, in their desperation, want to grasp onto something. I personally do feel that there are people out there who do have a gift, but the quacks are unfortunately in the majority. Telling the future, to me, isn't always concrete and absolute-it's just one path your life will take, if you let it.
I sit before this woman, and I tell her my name. She asks me if there's anything that I want to specifically know or ask, and I say no (again, trying not to say too much), so off she goes with the cards.
After the first card is put down (and I have no recollection as to what it was) she asks me if I am a teacher, so I say yes. Then, after a few more cards are put down, she asks me if I am starting a new job or position, so I say no. She frowned, put a few more cards down, and asks me if I have any children, so I say no (again, not giving anything away). She then asks me if I want any children, and I answer "eventually", and she says that she sees me having children "very soon". Then she put more cards down, frowned again, and asked me if I have had problems conceiving in the past-she pointed out a particular card and said that it looks like I'm seeing a doctor for a problem, and that he will help me (yay, Dr. Vest!). I was still trying to be non-commital at this point, but with every card she put down, she kept repeating that the cards show triumph over adversity, that I will get what I want, and very soon. So, I finally admitted that I was seeing a doctor for infertility, and she said that (after putting a crystal over some of the cards) she sees me getting pregnant in the summertime, and that it will be only one (I didn't tell her anything about the FET). She turned over one more card, and said that this upcoming pregnancy is something that is predestined, from someone who has already passed on. But, she kept asking me if I had a job change coming up, or a promotion, and I said no. She told me that I will be offered an opportunity very soon, and that I should take it, and trust my gut (for what, I have no idea). So, I thanked her, gave her the $10 and then left.
It kind of freaked me out, especially since I was really being so non-committal about what she was saying, but of course, it brought up all the hopefulness that I've been feeling that maybe, somehow, this FET will result in a long-awaited pregnancy. And, it feels good to be positive, but also really scary-I'm not saying that I do or don't believe this woman-because I don't want to go through another cycle that ends up negative. It's worse when you do IVF or FET, because you're PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise) and for me, it has been the closest I've ever come to being pregnant in my life.
Hope is a good thing. Hope always walks hand-in-hand with faith. Faith is what tries to get us all through the shitty times. Fear is what breaks the two apart. And I'm definitely scared-that it won't work, that the tot-sicles won't make the thawing process, that something will go wrong, that I will have a nervous breakdown if it doesn't work.
But I still have hope. And, for now, that's enough for me.
So, here's the other thing thing that I was supposed to write about on Sunday night, after the show, but I was too damn tired to look at the frickin' computer at all.....
I went to an audition on Saturday afternoon, for "Pirates of Penzance" at a company called Phoenix Productions. They perform at the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, NJ, which is a beautiful space that was recently renovated and is a historical landmark (I think). I show up, sing my 16 bars, and expect to hear the usual "thank you", but behold! The producer tells me to come back in the afternoon for a callback for the principal role of Mabel (a HUGE role). Since I had about three hours or so to kill, I did what I think most people do when they're unfamiliar with their surroundings-I look for the closest Starbucks.
I find one (of course I did-this is America, right?), get my iced decaf, sit in a comfy chair and beat the heat of the day, trying not to wig out that they called me back for the part. On the way back to the theatre, I start browsing around main drag of Red Bank, and I see this new-age store, and I go in, just to browse (and beat the heat-it had to be 95 degrees outside). I see this sign hanging up saying "psychic fair", and I say to myself "well, why the hell not", and I sit down for a ten minute, $10 tarot reading.
Now, I want to preface this next part by saying that I am not usually one to believe in psychics, tarot or anything that predicts the future in any way. Not because I'm afraid of it, think that it's evil or anything like that, but because a lot of times these people are full of crap and tend to ask leading questions, or that people, in their desperation, want to grasp onto something. I personally do feel that there are people out there who do have a gift, but the quacks are unfortunately in the majority. Telling the future, to me, isn't always concrete and absolute-it's just one path your life will take, if you let it.
I sit before this woman, and I tell her my name. She asks me if there's anything that I want to specifically know or ask, and I say no (again, trying not to say too much), so off she goes with the cards.
After the first card is put down (and I have no recollection as to what it was) she asks me if I am a teacher, so I say yes. Then, after a few more cards are put down, she asks me if I am starting a new job or position, so I say no. She frowned, put a few more cards down, and asks me if I have any children, so I say no (again, not giving anything away). She then asks me if I want any children, and I answer "eventually", and she says that she sees me having children "very soon". Then she put more cards down, frowned again, and asked me if I have had problems conceiving in the past-she pointed out a particular card and said that it looks like I'm seeing a doctor for a problem, and that he will help me (yay, Dr. Vest!). I was still trying to be non-commital at this point, but with every card she put down, she kept repeating that the cards show triumph over adversity, that I will get what I want, and very soon. So, I finally admitted that I was seeing a doctor for infertility, and she said that (after putting a crystal over some of the cards) she sees me getting pregnant in the summertime, and that it will be only one (I didn't tell her anything about the FET). She turned over one more card, and said that this upcoming pregnancy is something that is predestined, from someone who has already passed on. But, she kept asking me if I had a job change coming up, or a promotion, and I said no. She told me that I will be offered an opportunity very soon, and that I should take it, and trust my gut (for what, I have no idea). So, I thanked her, gave her the $10 and then left.
It kind of freaked me out, especially since I was really being so non-committal about what she was saying, but of course, it brought up all the hopefulness that I've been feeling that maybe, somehow, this FET will result in a long-awaited pregnancy. And, it feels good to be positive, but also really scary-I'm not saying that I do or don't believe this woman-because I don't want to go through another cycle that ends up negative. It's worse when you do IVF or FET, because you're PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise) and for me, it has been the closest I've ever come to being pregnant in my life.
Hope is a good thing. Hope always walks hand-in-hand with faith. Faith is what tries to get us all through the shitty times. Fear is what breaks the two apart. And I'm definitely scared-that it won't work, that the tot-sicles won't make the thawing process, that something will go wrong, that I will have a nervous breakdown if it doesn't work.
But I still have hope. And, for now, that's enough for me.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Sunday ramblings
Yeah, I've been a slacker lately, but, honestly, I've hardly been home this week.
We opened on Friday night-so far, the run is going well, and we've had good, responsive audiences, so that's cool.
However, I've decided that Di-VA (the chickie playing Nancy) is a drippy cunt bag-WHAT A BITCH! Holy shit!
She constantly complains about shit- her body mike, other castmates "pulling focus" during her scenes (uh, that's called "acting", sweetie), everything. The opening night audience was a bit dead in the beginning, but perked up later on. I had mentioned that and Di-VA says "well, they weren't for ME-they were clapping even before I finished my number" Whoope-de-fucking-do for you! Urgh-I hate people like that. She's constantly "one-upping" everyone, telling us how she's a model, she's getting her Actor's Equity card soon, that she's done pagents. I feel sorry for her in a way-she must be really insecure to feel the need to do things like that, but boy, it's starting to piss me off.
Last night, some friends of the people playing the Sowerberry's (if you know the story, they're the undertakers) came, and were hooting and hollering during the numbers (slightly obnoxious, but I think that that livened up the audience), and Di-VA complained to the SM that they "threw her" during her number, because they were talking. So the SM gets someone from the box office (the president of the group) and the producer (Cunt Rag) to go to them and shut them up. The guy playing Sowerberry gets a text message that someone told them that a cast member complained that they were too rowdy and they should quiet down. He (the guy) was so upset-I don't blame him. Personally, it didn't matter to me at all, I didn't mind them. They even made them a banner and held it up during curtain call-but Di-VA did. The ironic thing was, during curtain call they were whooping it up for every role, but hers. Sowerberry talked to the director later and told her that he was really upset about it, and that if the group kept that crap up, they won't have an audience to play for, nor will they have actors that will audition for them (which he's right). So, drama abounds yet again.
In other news, I FINALLY got a "high" on my handy-dandy ClearPlan Fertility Monitor yesterday morning. Hopefully that means that I'll ovulate within the next few days or so. I'm afraid that if I ovulate too late (if my cycle is longer than 30 days this month) they'll cancel the FET for this month, so y'all better do some white voodoo to make sure that it's still on.
Buddy the cat decided to use the corner of the living room carpet yesterday afternoon as his personal pee-pee palace, which wasn't fun. We had this cute carpet teepee there, and he just went to town all over it. Sean was livid, because Buddy has a habit of doing this-weirdly enough, it's always in the summertime. Maybe it's because I'm home more than during the school year, I dunno. Sean did a half-assed job of cleaning it, so Buddy did it again this morning, so I had to get up early (went to bed around 2), go to the Pathmark, get white vinegar, baking soda and pet accident cleaner shit and try to undo the damage, since it soaked through to the padding. Yuck. I cleaned it as best as I could, and the vet had told us to put a bowl of dry food there (they won't piss where they eat, according to the vet), so let's just hope that does the trick.
I've got more goodies to report, but it's time to shower and go to my matinee. Be back later
We opened on Friday night-so far, the run is going well, and we've had good, responsive audiences, so that's cool.
However, I've decided that Di-VA (the chickie playing Nancy) is a drippy cunt bag-WHAT A BITCH! Holy shit!
She constantly complains about shit- her body mike, other castmates "pulling focus" during her scenes (uh, that's called "acting", sweetie), everything. The opening night audience was a bit dead in the beginning, but perked up later on. I had mentioned that and Di-VA says "well, they weren't for ME-they were clapping even before I finished my number" Whoope-de-fucking-do for you! Urgh-I hate people like that. She's constantly "one-upping" everyone, telling us how she's a model, she's getting her Actor's Equity card soon, that she's done pagents. I feel sorry for her in a way-she must be really insecure to feel the need to do things like that, but boy, it's starting to piss me off.
Last night, some friends of the people playing the Sowerberry's (if you know the story, they're the undertakers) came, and were hooting and hollering during the numbers (slightly obnoxious, but I think that that livened up the audience), and Di-VA complained to the SM that they "threw her" during her number, because they were talking. So the SM gets someone from the box office (the president of the group) and the producer (Cunt Rag) to go to them and shut them up. The guy playing Sowerberry gets a text message that someone told them that a cast member complained that they were too rowdy and they should quiet down. He (the guy) was so upset-I don't blame him. Personally, it didn't matter to me at all, I didn't mind them. They even made them a banner and held it up during curtain call-but Di-VA did. The ironic thing was, during curtain call they were whooping it up for every role, but hers. Sowerberry talked to the director later and told her that he was really upset about it, and that if the group kept that crap up, they won't have an audience to play for, nor will they have actors that will audition for them (which he's right). So, drama abounds yet again.
In other news, I FINALLY got a "high" on my handy-dandy ClearPlan Fertility Monitor yesterday morning. Hopefully that means that I'll ovulate within the next few days or so. I'm afraid that if I ovulate too late (if my cycle is longer than 30 days this month) they'll cancel the FET for this month, so y'all better do some white voodoo to make sure that it's still on.
Buddy the cat decided to use the corner of the living room carpet yesterday afternoon as his personal pee-pee palace, which wasn't fun. We had this cute carpet teepee there, and he just went to town all over it. Sean was livid, because Buddy has a habit of doing this-weirdly enough, it's always in the summertime. Maybe it's because I'm home more than during the school year, I dunno. Sean did a half-assed job of cleaning it, so Buddy did it again this morning, so I had to get up early (went to bed around 2), go to the Pathmark, get white vinegar, baking soda and pet accident cleaner shit and try to undo the damage, since it soaked through to the padding. Yuck. I cleaned it as best as I could, and the vet had told us to put a bowl of dry food there (they won't piss where they eat, according to the vet), so let's just hope that does the trick.
I've got more goodies to report, but it's time to shower and go to my matinee. Be back later
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Reality Check
I was going to write about this last night, but, for a change, my infertility woes took a backseat to the delights of reading Harry Potter....
Sean went out to PA yesterday with his mom, 'Lil Man and the Dementor to a BBQ at his uncle's house whilst I navigated my way through Bergen County for the bridal shower (not an easy feat, anyone out there who knows that area of NJ would probably agree with me) and the conversation from hell with my director about Cunt Rag. We left the house around the same time, and I was kidding around (sort of) and asked him to please make sure that my reproductive system was not a topic of conversation at the party. For those of you who have followed my IVF saga, these are the same relatives that I dealt with on Easter Sunday (if you're not sure, look in the archives for the drama) because my mother-in-law decided to tell her family, without consulting me first, that I was doing IVF. So, understandibly, I was on my guard. But Sean promised that there would be no infertility talk going on. So, on our happy way we both went.
He got home around 9:30 last night, and when I asked him if he had fun he said yes, it was fun, had a lot to eat, played games, blah blah blah, but he seemed a bit upset. Then he said that something happened that bothered him for the rest of the day.
There was a woman there, a friend of his aunt's, a very nice woman apparently, that he casually talked to throughout the day. When her and her husband went to leave, of course, my hunky hubby being the well-mannered gentleman he is, got up to say goodbye to them. The woman asked Sean about how long he's been married, so he tells her that we're going to celebrate our 5th anniversary in October. Then the woman asks if we have any kids, and he said no. Then she comments that we've been married an awfully long time not to have any children. So, Sean told me that he got a little upset when she said that and said to her "well, children are a blessing-but, it's a blessing that's easier for some people to have than others", and walked away from her.
He said that he didn't mean to be rude or anything, but it upset him that this woman could be so forward about asking something that's so private. He told me that his mother, later on, told the woman we were having a hard time getting pregnant (but no details) and the woman felt horrible about bringing it up. Sean was a bit upset about the whole exchange, because he's not that kind of person, and he was in a bit of a funk for the rest of the day.
I really felt for him. I did. I told him that he shouldn't feel guilty about his reaction, because we're more sensitive to questions like that, given our situation. At the same time, though, I wanted to say this:
Now you know how I feel, every single day, every single time someone says something stupid like that to me.
But I didn't. Because, in the end, does it really matter?
Last night showed me that I'm not the only casualty in this war. That I'm not the only one who hurts, who gets depressed and sad and thinks that this is all shitty and wonders what I've done to deserve all this hell.
I get so wrapped up in my own misery at my body that I forget that my own husband is in agony over this too. That it bothers him as well, perhaps even more than it bothers me. I know that he feels horribly guilty because I'm the one who has to go through all the tests, shots, surgeries, and the indignity of having ten million people looking up my coochie every month, when all he has to do is splooge into a cup. Survivor's guilt.
So, I say to this woman, whoever you are--thank you for reminding me that, even though it is ultimately about my body, it's not always about me and how I feel.
Sean went out to PA yesterday with his mom, 'Lil Man and the Dementor to a BBQ at his uncle's house whilst I navigated my way through Bergen County for the bridal shower (not an easy feat, anyone out there who knows that area of NJ would probably agree with me) and the conversation from hell with my director about Cunt Rag. We left the house around the same time, and I was kidding around (sort of) and asked him to please make sure that my reproductive system was not a topic of conversation at the party. For those of you who have followed my IVF saga, these are the same relatives that I dealt with on Easter Sunday (if you're not sure, look in the archives for the drama) because my mother-in-law decided to tell her family, without consulting me first, that I was doing IVF. So, understandibly, I was on my guard. But Sean promised that there would be no infertility talk going on. So, on our happy way we both went.
He got home around 9:30 last night, and when I asked him if he had fun he said yes, it was fun, had a lot to eat, played games, blah blah blah, but he seemed a bit upset. Then he said that something happened that bothered him for the rest of the day.
There was a woman there, a friend of his aunt's, a very nice woman apparently, that he casually talked to throughout the day. When her and her husband went to leave, of course, my hunky hubby being the well-mannered gentleman he is, got up to say goodbye to them. The woman asked Sean about how long he's been married, so he tells her that we're going to celebrate our 5th anniversary in October. Then the woman asks if we have any kids, and he said no. Then she comments that we've been married an awfully long time not to have any children. So, Sean told me that he got a little upset when she said that and said to her "well, children are a blessing-but, it's a blessing that's easier for some people to have than others", and walked away from her.
He said that he didn't mean to be rude or anything, but it upset him that this woman could be so forward about asking something that's so private. He told me that his mother, later on, told the woman we were having a hard time getting pregnant (but no details) and the woman felt horrible about bringing it up. Sean was a bit upset about the whole exchange, because he's not that kind of person, and he was in a bit of a funk for the rest of the day.
I really felt for him. I did. I told him that he shouldn't feel guilty about his reaction, because we're more sensitive to questions like that, given our situation. At the same time, though, I wanted to say this:
Now you know how I feel, every single day, every single time someone says something stupid like that to me.
But I didn't. Because, in the end, does it really matter?
Last night showed me that I'm not the only casualty in this war. That I'm not the only one who hurts, who gets depressed and sad and thinks that this is all shitty and wonders what I've done to deserve all this hell.
I get so wrapped up in my own misery at my body that I forget that my own husband is in agony over this too. That it bothers him as well, perhaps even more than it bothers me. I know that he feels horribly guilty because I'm the one who has to go through all the tests, shots, surgeries, and the indignity of having ten million people looking up my coochie every month, when all he has to do is splooge into a cup. Survivor's guilt.
So, I say to this woman, whoever you are--thank you for reminding me that, even though it is ultimately about my body, it's not always about me and how I feel.
The Woes of Widow Corney
We had our first run-through on Friday night, the week before opening night. All in all, it wasn't so bad. It's not performance level yet, but we've got four days to get it together.
Thank God my Mr. Bumble is a great actor. I'd be hanging from the lighting rig if he weren't.
There was drama, nonetheless. Here I was, Friday night, minding my own business, with my feet up on the chair and re-reading my Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (so I could fully enjoy my new book the next day, natch-yes, I know I'm a geek), and Costume Lady comes up to me, saying that the producer (I'll just call her "Cunt Rag", because that's what she is) is "freaking out" about my shoes (I was wearing tan character shoes at the time, which I've been wearing for all my rehearsals) and was I going to wear them for the performances. "Well, yeah", I answered, "I was planning to, why?". Well, apparently Cunt Rag was was upset because they weren't black character shoes, and therefore not "period" (ie. in keeping with the time period of the show) and Cunt Rag tells Costume Lady that I have to wear black ones (which I do have). "Uh, okay" I tell her, slightly annoyed because (a) Costume Lady should have told me this weeks ago, since it's her job and (b) Cunt Rag has, over the past two weeks, had a nasty habit of sticking her nose into everyone's business and being extremely annoying to everyone in the cast and production staff. So, I go back to my book.
Ten minutes later, Costume Lady comes back to me and says that Cunt Rag told her to tell me that I need to wear black stockings and black shoes because it's "period". So, I have finally had it. I've put up with sitting around for weeks on end, having to listen to four different people tell me four completely different things, and I kinda snapped. I told her that I was not going to buy anyhing else for this show, and that unless the company provided me with it, they can forget it. I then went back again to my book.
It was at this point that hell started to break loose. Cunt Rag comes up to me and tells me "This old retiree will buy you some black stockings" and I told her to forget it, that I was tired of having four different stories, that I was tired of sitting around. So Cunt Rag says that they're telling everyone individually because "nobody's ever around at the same time to hold a costume meeting" (bullshit) and that it's not her fault I sit around, that "perhaps you need to speak to your cast members that don't know what they're doing, so they don't have to run one number for an hour" BITCH! I just let her rant, because I was easier than lose my temper, which I was dangerously close to doing.
Just as a background, Cunt Rag has been producing every summer show there. She's constantly on the production staff about ridiculous things, constantly gives her opinion when it's not welcomed, and is a general pain in the anal orifice. Normally, a producer will write down anything that they feel needs tweaking or changing and then give it to the director or stage manager. Not Cunt Rag. She just comes up to the said person, who could be in the middle of doing something (like scenework) and just start blabbing away. Personally I think that a big reason that this particular group has such a hard time finding (and keeping) performers is because of her-my own brother-in-law 'Lil Man was on the board of this group and stepped down because of her bullshit. He has yet to be in another production, because of her. But, I digress....
So, yesterday I had to go to this bridal shower, which was about an hour away. My mobile rings, and it's the director. Long story short, Cunt Rag calls the director and tells her that I'm "unhappy" with the way the director has been doing things. So, I freak out and tell the director that I didn't say that, and told her the story. Basically, Cunt Rag is just stirring up trouble. I want to kick her ass, but, honestly, it isn't worth it.
I can't wait until this is over, which is a shame. I just have to concentrate on my own performance and not worry whether or not this will be a shitty show. It's a sad way to do things, but necessary for my own sanity. I just can't afford to have any stress right now.
Thank God my Mr. Bumble is a great actor. I'd be hanging from the lighting rig if he weren't.
There was drama, nonetheless. Here I was, Friday night, minding my own business, with my feet up on the chair and re-reading my Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (so I could fully enjoy my new book the next day, natch-yes, I know I'm a geek), and Costume Lady comes up to me, saying that the producer (I'll just call her "Cunt Rag", because that's what she is) is "freaking out" about my shoes (I was wearing tan character shoes at the time, which I've been wearing for all my rehearsals) and was I going to wear them for the performances. "Well, yeah", I answered, "I was planning to, why?". Well, apparently Cunt Rag was was upset because they weren't black character shoes, and therefore not "period" (ie. in keeping with the time period of the show) and Cunt Rag tells Costume Lady that I have to wear black ones (which I do have). "Uh, okay" I tell her, slightly annoyed because (a) Costume Lady should have told me this weeks ago, since it's her job and (b) Cunt Rag has, over the past two weeks, had a nasty habit of sticking her nose into everyone's business and being extremely annoying to everyone in the cast and production staff. So, I go back to my book.
Ten minutes later, Costume Lady comes back to me and says that Cunt Rag told her to tell me that I need to wear black stockings and black shoes because it's "period". So, I have finally had it. I've put up with sitting around for weeks on end, having to listen to four different people tell me four completely different things, and I kinda snapped. I told her that I was not going to buy anyhing else for this show, and that unless the company provided me with it, they can forget it. I then went back again to my book.
It was at this point that hell started to break loose. Cunt Rag comes up to me and tells me "This old retiree will buy you some black stockings" and I told her to forget it, that I was tired of having four different stories, that I was tired of sitting around. So Cunt Rag says that they're telling everyone individually because "nobody's ever around at the same time to hold a costume meeting" (bullshit) and that it's not her fault I sit around, that "perhaps you need to speak to your cast members that don't know what they're doing, so they don't have to run one number for an hour" BITCH! I just let her rant, because I was easier than lose my temper, which I was dangerously close to doing.
Just as a background, Cunt Rag has been producing every summer show there. She's constantly on the production staff about ridiculous things, constantly gives her opinion when it's not welcomed, and is a general pain in the anal orifice. Normally, a producer will write down anything that they feel needs tweaking or changing and then give it to the director or stage manager. Not Cunt Rag. She just comes up to the said person, who could be in the middle of doing something (like scenework) and just start blabbing away. Personally I think that a big reason that this particular group has such a hard time finding (and keeping) performers is because of her-my own brother-in-law 'Lil Man was on the board of this group and stepped down because of her bullshit. He has yet to be in another production, because of her. But, I digress....
So, yesterday I had to go to this bridal shower, which was about an hour away. My mobile rings, and it's the director. Long story short, Cunt Rag calls the director and tells her that I'm "unhappy" with the way the director has been doing things. So, I freak out and tell the director that I didn't say that, and told her the story. Basically, Cunt Rag is just stirring up trouble. I want to kick her ass, but, honestly, it isn't worth it.
I can't wait until this is over, which is a shame. I just have to concentrate on my own performance and not worry whether or not this will be a shitty show. It's a sad way to do things, but necessary for my own sanity. I just can't afford to have any stress right now.
The Half-Blood Prince
Wow.
I just finished the book. I would have finished it last night (I was about 100 pages from the end after 6 hours of non-stop reading), but I had to make myself stop and go to bed.
Holy Shit.
In-fucking-credible.
J.K. Rowling is brilliant.
Let's discuss.
**Oh, if you haven't read it yet, still in the middle of reading it, or are planning on reading it, don't read the comments, in case of plot spoilers. I don't want anyone getting pissed off and saying hat they got cheated out of anything**
P.S. I'm going to read it over again.......
I just finished the book. I would have finished it last night (I was about 100 pages from the end after 6 hours of non-stop reading), but I had to make myself stop and go to bed.
Holy Shit.
In-fucking-credible.
J.K. Rowling is brilliant.
Let's discuss.
**Oh, if you haven't read it yet, still in the middle of reading it, or are planning on reading it, don't read the comments, in case of plot spoilers. I don't want anyone getting pissed off and saying hat they got cheated out of anything**
P.S. I'm going to read it over again.......
Friday, July 15, 2005
Queen of the Stirrups
OK, I really am getting the feeling that this show is really going to be horrible.
Today, exactly a week before opening night, will be our first (yes, first) run-thru of the show. This scares the shit out of me, that we haven't been running it up until now. In fact, I sat again last night for two hours because the director had to block one of the last scenes (the one where Nancy gets strangled by Bill Sykes)-I wanted to scream but it took too much energy.
Yeah, this is going to suck.
I had to take Sean's truck to the dealer today-the little maintenance light went on-turns out it was because he was due for an oil change. So, M and I went for a ride, then went down to Point Pleasant for lunch, eating junk like fried oreos (my belly is killing me right now) and hanging on the boardwalk-it was too cloudy to hit the beach. M tells me that they're supposed to sign their settlement thing today, and should, barring any last minute tantrums from Fuckwad, be officially divorced on Tuesday. Then, she won't have to be nice to Fuckwad anymore, which she cant' wait for. Plus, she told me that she had a polyp removed from her cervix last week at her annual exam, so she's freaking out that she might have cancer, even though the doc told her that 99% of the time it's negative. So, she was asking me all these questions about how long it will bleed, blah blah blah. And I told her "Yeah, I know all about stuff like that, just call me Queen of the Stirrups". Then we laughed our asses off for about ten minutes. People passing us by probably thought that we were retarded.
Infertility sure gives you a bizarre sense of humor.
Today, exactly a week before opening night, will be our first (yes, first) run-thru of the show. This scares the shit out of me, that we haven't been running it up until now. In fact, I sat again last night for two hours because the director had to block one of the last scenes (the one where Nancy gets strangled by Bill Sykes)-I wanted to scream but it took too much energy.
Yeah, this is going to suck.
I had to take Sean's truck to the dealer today-the little maintenance light went on-turns out it was because he was due for an oil change. So, M and I went for a ride, then went down to Point Pleasant for lunch, eating junk like fried oreos (my belly is killing me right now) and hanging on the boardwalk-it was too cloudy to hit the beach. M tells me that they're supposed to sign their settlement thing today, and should, barring any last minute tantrums from Fuckwad, be officially divorced on Tuesday. Then, she won't have to be nice to Fuckwad anymore, which she cant' wait for. Plus, she told me that she had a polyp removed from her cervix last week at her annual exam, so she's freaking out that she might have cancer, even though the doc told her that 99% of the time it's negative. So, she was asking me all these questions about how long it will bleed, blah blah blah. And I told her "Yeah, I know all about stuff like that, just call me Queen of the Stirrups". Then we laughed our asses off for about ten minutes. People passing us by probably thought that we were retarded.
Infertility sure gives you a bizarre sense of humor.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
NO drama at rehearsal last night.......unless you count that Di-VA was still on book for all her second act scenes.......sheesh.....and she supposedly played the part before? What-EVER.
Although, I was a little bit disappointed, I must admit-I was looking forward to one of her snit-fests and what would have been the inevitable blowout. It's like watching a train wreck-you know that it's going to be horrific, but you still can't look away.
On a better note, I had my FET appointment today. So far, so good. Dr. Vest is trying a new "natural cycle" protocol (I love being a guinea pig!) on me. I go for LH bloodwork on cycle days, 13, 14 and 16 (the 15th being a Sunday) and the transfer will be 5 days after my LH surge.
Dr. Vest also told me that the blasts they froze were 6 day ones-I'm not sure if that's good or not (I think it is, but I'll need to do some research). I reiterated that since we only have three totsicles left, I wanted two thawed and transferred. If, for some reason, they didn't survive the thaw (trying to be realistic here) then they can try to thaw the last one. Apparently, it only takes an hour or so to thaw them-I was shocked. I would have thought a few days, but no.
My greatest fear is that none of them will survive the thaw, and we're screwed. I'd have to do another fresh cycle, which means more injectible drugs (now adding the PIO to the cocktail) and that would seriously blow. I talked to Nursey P about my insurance change, and she confirmed my new benefits, which are actually better-Blue Cross/Blue Shield coveres both donor egg and surrogacy (not that I need that, but it's good to know). The shitty thing is that, because I already had a retrieval under my previous insurance, they count it towards my 4 retrieval lifetime maximum under IF benefits, regardless that it was done with another insurance company. Fuck. I thought that it would be starting over again, so we're down to three more. But, it's three more than a lot of other women have, so I'm still grateful.
So, I got my prescriptions for the Medrol and my "gassy-biotic" Doxycycline, which I'll start taking 2 days before the scheduled transfer, and continue them until the bottles are empty (I think only four or five days total), then play the waiting game for the pregnancy test. If I ovulate on day 16 (which I usually do), then the prospective transfer date would be Saturday, July 30th. Not too happy about that, since (1). My show closes that night and (2) we have tickets to see "Spamalot" that afternoon. It took us FOREVER to get the tickets-since the Tonys they're impossible to get. But, Nursey P said that she didn't see why we still wouldn't be able to go.
Well, you know what they say...........shit happens.
Although, I was a little bit disappointed, I must admit-I was looking forward to one of her snit-fests and what would have been the inevitable blowout. It's like watching a train wreck-you know that it's going to be horrific, but you still can't look away.
On a better note, I had my FET appointment today. So far, so good. Dr. Vest is trying a new "natural cycle" protocol (I love being a guinea pig!) on me. I go for LH bloodwork on cycle days, 13, 14 and 16 (the 15th being a Sunday) and the transfer will be 5 days after my LH surge.
Dr. Vest also told me that the blasts they froze were 6 day ones-I'm not sure if that's good or not (I think it is, but I'll need to do some research). I reiterated that since we only have three totsicles left, I wanted two thawed and transferred. If, for some reason, they didn't survive the thaw (trying to be realistic here) then they can try to thaw the last one. Apparently, it only takes an hour or so to thaw them-I was shocked. I would have thought a few days, but no.
My greatest fear is that none of them will survive the thaw, and we're screwed. I'd have to do another fresh cycle, which means more injectible drugs (now adding the PIO to the cocktail) and that would seriously blow. I talked to Nursey P about my insurance change, and she confirmed my new benefits, which are actually better-Blue Cross/Blue Shield coveres both donor egg and surrogacy (not that I need that, but it's good to know). The shitty thing is that, because I already had a retrieval under my previous insurance, they count it towards my 4 retrieval lifetime maximum under IF benefits, regardless that it was done with another insurance company. Fuck. I thought that it would be starting over again, so we're down to three more. But, it's three more than a lot of other women have, so I'm still grateful.
So, I got my prescriptions for the Medrol and my "gassy-biotic" Doxycycline, which I'll start taking 2 days before the scheduled transfer, and continue them until the bottles are empty (I think only four or five days total), then play the waiting game for the pregnancy test. If I ovulate on day 16 (which I usually do), then the prospective transfer date would be Saturday, July 30th. Not too happy about that, since (1). My show closes that night and (2) we have tickets to see "Spamalot" that afternoon. It took us FOREVER to get the tickets-since the Tonys they're impossible to get. But, Nursey P said that she didn't see why we still wouldn't be able to go.
Well, you know what they say...........shit happens.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Drama in the Workhouse
I called Nursey P yesterday to let her know that my period promptly arrived on Sunday morning, and dutifully made my appointment for my "FET talk" for tomorrow, Wednesday, at 2:30 pm with Dr. Vest (aptly monikered because of the cool black leather vest he wears under his white doctor's coat.....although in 90+ degree heat in July, I'm not sure he'll be wearing it tomorrow). I'll get my protocol, which is pretty simple since there's no shots involved, and my prescriptions for the doxycycline and the Medrol. I hate antibiotics-I get so gassy (sorry if TMI for you)-at least I won't get sick around the time of the show dates.....
Speaking of "Oliver", we've been having a bit of "drama" at rehearsals lately, with our Nancy. She's a bit of a diva personality, and is the type of person who has to drop names and let everyone know how much she's done, how she is so busy modeling, getting her Actor's Equity card in September (??), blah blah blah.......you know the type. Well, the director that we have is a bit.....uh......unorganized about the whole rehearsal process. There have been times that I've sat around for about two hours doing nothing, and she never gets to anything I'm in, after specifically telling me to show up at a certain time. I wouldn't care if I was getting a paycheck, but since I'm not, I could have been doing other things (those other things might have been scratching my coochie, eating Triscuits in bed, or playing hide-the-salami with the hubby, but you get the point). And, this same thing has happened to other cast members-one guy in particular has an hour and a half drive home and he sat around for two hours. Mis-managed, but there's not much you can do.
Well, this girl (I'll call her Di-VA) is a bit rough around the edges-loud, sort of obnoxious, but moderately talented (except that her accent isn't consistent, still isn't off book 10 days before opening night and she slides into the notes that are obviously at the edge of her vocal range, but who's noticing?). She got pissed off at rehearsal Friday night because she had to sit around (like who didn't?) so she went up to the director and basically told her that if she was going to end up sitting around at Monday night's rehearsal, she wasn't going to come at all. Not good.
A bunch of us went out on Friday night after rehearsal, including the MD (who is dating a cast member) and Di-VA went off on the MD about how unorganized the director is, how the show is going to suck, blah blah blah. The poor MD just wanted to go and have some munchies and a few beers, not deal with this shit, so I felt really horrible for him. He was trying to stay out of it. I piped up that yes, we have all sat around and it's frustrating, but that it will pull together. She kept going on and on about it while sitting there with her not-very-good-looking significantly older boyfriend, who met us there, and smoking cigars with him at the table. Shit.
The director got wind of her Friday night tirade, and got seriously pissed off (understandibly). Then, Di-VA showed up two hours late for rehearsal last night-and didn't call to let someone know. They made two or three calls out to her, and when they finally got hold of her, she said that she'd be there at 8pm, but didn't stroll in until after 9pm (probably to prove a point, but she had some dramatic excuse). Luckily she was off book for her stuff, because the shit really would've hit the fan. The director doesn't want to throw her out (even though she wants to) because we're about to open, but she doesn't want to put up with bullshit. And, it's gotten to the point that most people find her annoying and rude. To the point where some people are starting to literally speak their minds, loud enough for her to hear.
I'm waiting to see what's going to happen tonight. Maybe I should bring popcorn. It'll be like watching the those professional wrestling shows, where they talk smack about each other all the time.
The morale of this story? Community theater can sometimes SUCK. But it's good entertainment, if you can find the humor in it.
Speaking of "Oliver", we've been having a bit of "drama" at rehearsals lately, with our Nancy. She's a bit of a diva personality, and is the type of person who has to drop names and let everyone know how much she's done, how she is so busy modeling, getting her Actor's Equity card in September (??), blah blah blah.......you know the type. Well, the director that we have is a bit.....uh......unorganized about the whole rehearsal process. There have been times that I've sat around for about two hours doing nothing, and she never gets to anything I'm in, after specifically telling me to show up at a certain time. I wouldn't care if I was getting a paycheck, but since I'm not, I could have been doing other things (those other things might have been scratching my coochie, eating Triscuits in bed, or playing hide-the-salami with the hubby, but you get the point). And, this same thing has happened to other cast members-one guy in particular has an hour and a half drive home and he sat around for two hours. Mis-managed, but there's not much you can do.
Well, this girl (I'll call her Di-VA) is a bit rough around the edges-loud, sort of obnoxious, but moderately talented (except that her accent isn't consistent, still isn't off book 10 days before opening night and she slides into the notes that are obviously at the edge of her vocal range, but who's noticing?). She got pissed off at rehearsal Friday night because she had to sit around (like who didn't?) so she went up to the director and basically told her that if she was going to end up sitting around at Monday night's rehearsal, she wasn't going to come at all. Not good.
A bunch of us went out on Friday night after rehearsal, including the MD (who is dating a cast member) and Di-VA went off on the MD about how unorganized the director is, how the show is going to suck, blah blah blah. The poor MD just wanted to go and have some munchies and a few beers, not deal with this shit, so I felt really horrible for him. He was trying to stay out of it. I piped up that yes, we have all sat around and it's frustrating, but that it will pull together. She kept going on and on about it while sitting there with her not-very-good-looking significantly older boyfriend, who met us there, and smoking cigars with him at the table. Shit.
The director got wind of her Friday night tirade, and got seriously pissed off (understandibly). Then, Di-VA showed up two hours late for rehearsal last night-and didn't call to let someone know. They made two or three calls out to her, and when they finally got hold of her, she said that she'd be there at 8pm, but didn't stroll in until after 9pm (probably to prove a point, but she had some dramatic excuse). Luckily she was off book for her stuff, because the shit really would've hit the fan. The director doesn't want to throw her out (even though she wants to) because we're about to open, but she doesn't want to put up with bullshit. And, it's gotten to the point that most people find her annoying and rude. To the point where some people are starting to literally speak their minds, loud enough for her to hear.
I'm waiting to see what's going to happen tonight. Maybe I should bring popcorn. It'll be like watching the those professional wrestling shows, where they talk smack about each other all the time.
The morale of this story? Community theater can sometimes SUCK. But it's good entertainment, if you can find the humor in it.
I'm drooling..........
THREE DAYS UNTIL "HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE" IS RELEASED!!
I'm so excited I could wet myself.......
It's Murphy's Law, however, that I won't be able to read it right away........I've got to go to a briday shower that day........*grumble grumble*........
I'm so excited I could wet myself.......
It's Murphy's Law, however, that I won't be able to read it right away........I've got to go to a briday shower that day........*grumble grumble*........
Saturday, July 09, 2005
I'm Feeling a Bit Snarky Today...
Today we get to go and do all those weird married-things that movies like "Old School" make fun of.......
We get to FINALLY order our tile for the kitchen back-splash-hey, it's only been about a year since we finished the kitchen-get two bridal shower gifts and a birthday gift at the mall (I hate going there, but oh, well) and clean.......doesn't it sound fun? Don't you wish you were me?
I write that with all the sarcasm I can muster, since.......
I couldn't even get to sleep in today. Peachy decided to have a mini-puking session on my pillow sham (located right behind my pillow) this morning. It wasn't too bad, it wasn't like watery or anything, but still fucking gross. I especially love being awoken to the sounds of a cat retching right above my head, don't you? So, Sean decided to strip the whole bed down and wash everything and hang it outside, since the weather has finally decided to cooperate today (at least, until the next hurricane decides to hit), but that means no sleepy-poo for me....fuckers.
And, yes, it could have been worse-she could have been puking on my head or something, but it still deprived me of my beauty sleep, and let's face it, I certainly need it.....
Just finished watching Topsy Turvy-great movie. Too bad it only got one Oscar for costume design......
So I decided, after last night's rehearsal, that I'm not going to worry about whether the show will suck ass or not. I, and the person playing Mr. Bumble, know what we're supposed to be doing, and we're okay with our few scenes, and everything else will just have to fall into place. I'm not the director-let her worry about the ensemble not knowing their words or blocking. The principals seem nice-the chick playing Nancy is a bit harsh and sort of diva-like, but I don't have a problem with her, so whatever. It will end up to be an okay show, but I get worried that we open in less than two weeks and have yet to do a run-through.
I did find out that another theater here in NJ is putting up "The Pirates of Penzance" in mid-September, and since I love that show (I auditioned for it once, eight years ago and didn't get in-wah!) I decided that I'm going to the auditions in two weeks. Our stage manager for Oliver! is SM'ing "Pirates", and the guy who is choreographing I worked with a few years ago (in "Anything Goes" when I played Bonnie)-not that guarantees me shit, but it helps get my foot into the door, at least.....
So, that's about it for today-oh, yeah, I'm also waiting for the old hag to show up tomorrow-I'm getting those nasty twinges in my nether-regions, which always accompanies her grand entrance-and then, onto FET#1 (and, hopefully, my only one) and, possibly, pregnancy at last.
We get to FINALLY order our tile for the kitchen back-splash-hey, it's only been about a year since we finished the kitchen-get two bridal shower gifts and a birthday gift at the mall (I hate going there, but oh, well) and clean.......doesn't it sound fun? Don't you wish you were me?
I write that with all the sarcasm I can muster, since.......
I couldn't even get to sleep in today. Peachy decided to have a mini-puking session on my pillow sham (located right behind my pillow) this morning. It wasn't too bad, it wasn't like watery or anything, but still fucking gross. I especially love being awoken to the sounds of a cat retching right above my head, don't you? So, Sean decided to strip the whole bed down and wash everything and hang it outside, since the weather has finally decided to cooperate today (at least, until the next hurricane decides to hit), but that means no sleepy-poo for me....fuckers.
And, yes, it could have been worse-she could have been puking on my head or something, but it still deprived me of my beauty sleep, and let's face it, I certainly need it.....
Just finished watching Topsy Turvy-great movie. Too bad it only got one Oscar for costume design......
So I decided, after last night's rehearsal, that I'm not going to worry about whether the show will suck ass or not. I, and the person playing Mr. Bumble, know what we're supposed to be doing, and we're okay with our few scenes, and everything else will just have to fall into place. I'm not the director-let her worry about the ensemble not knowing their words or blocking. The principals seem nice-the chick playing Nancy is a bit harsh and sort of diva-like, but I don't have a problem with her, so whatever. It will end up to be an okay show, but I get worried that we open in less than two weeks and have yet to do a run-through.
I did find out that another theater here in NJ is putting up "The Pirates of Penzance" in mid-September, and since I love that show (I auditioned for it once, eight years ago and didn't get in-wah!) I decided that I'm going to the auditions in two weeks. Our stage manager for Oliver! is SM'ing "Pirates", and the guy who is choreographing I worked with a few years ago (in "Anything Goes" when I played Bonnie)-not that guarantees me shit, but it helps get my foot into the door, at least.....
So, that's about it for today-oh, yeah, I'm also waiting for the old hag to show up tomorrow-I'm getting those nasty twinges in my nether-regions, which always accompanies her grand entrance-and then, onto FET#1 (and, hopefully, my only one) and, possibly, pregnancy at last.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Who said that life was going to be easy?
Why the fuck does it always have to rain like a bitch whenever I have a day off?
Today I have 10 million things to do-laundry, memorize my lines, go over my music for this weekend's Masses, cast the kids show I'm directing, take a shower-and I have absolutely NO desire to move from this chair and out of my seriously mismatched PJ's. The countdown to the old whore's ETA on Sunday is imminent. It's also my godchild's 4th birthday, which means that I have to go and get her a birthday gift. It also reminds me, for the 50th time, that I should have had at least one child by now. I actually started to TTC about 11 months after Jenna was born-time sure flies when you're stressed and obsessed, doesn't it?
But, it makes me realize certain things. My best friend, M (Jenna's mom), didn't think that, four years earlier, she would be getting a divorce (and a messy one, to boot). She didn't think that she would be living back with her parents, alone, and have to deal with her fuckwad soon-to-be ex through lawyers and argumentative and slightly abusive phone calls. She was the girl who we thought had everything-a good job (a trauma nurse at one of NJ's biggest hospitals) a husband who was the life of the party, a beautiful daughter, two cars, a $450K house, a dog, three vacations a year. Who knew that her husband was a lazy and emotionally abusive bastard, that she'd be forced to sell the house less than a year after she bought it, have to fight over custody of the dog (she won, btw) and child support, and have to make it on her own after 10 years of her life (including dating) with someone?
It makes me grateful that Sean is who he is. I'm relieved that, even though we are going through our own problems, with infertility, that, if in the worst case scenario we never have children, we have each other. I think because Sean comes from a "broken home" he has more of a sense of making a marriage work, no matter what happens. He was lucky, though, that his parents didn't have a messy divorce and, from what he and his parents tell me, they shared bringing up their children without involving them in the reasons for their breakup. They are better friends now, than when they were married, according to them. In fact, my MIL goes to my FIL's salon to get her haircuts and highlights, and they constantly joke around. They made it work, because they had to-they knew that, whether they liked it or not, they would always be bonded together because of their children. I'm sure it wasn't easy, that there was a lot of anger and resentment there, but they put it aside to raise their kids together, even though they decided to seperate their lives and move on.
M's whole situation makes me realize that we both probably never expected to be in the situations we're in now-in my case, childless; in her case, marriageless-but have to deal with it as best as we can. But, boy, does it sure blow big moose ass.
Today I have 10 million things to do-laundry, memorize my lines, go over my music for this weekend's Masses, cast the kids show I'm directing, take a shower-and I have absolutely NO desire to move from this chair and out of my seriously mismatched PJ's. The countdown to the old whore's ETA on Sunday is imminent. It's also my godchild's 4th birthday, which means that I have to go and get her a birthday gift. It also reminds me, for the 50th time, that I should have had at least one child by now. I actually started to TTC about 11 months after Jenna was born-time sure flies when you're stressed and obsessed, doesn't it?
But, it makes me realize certain things. My best friend, M (Jenna's mom), didn't think that, four years earlier, she would be getting a divorce (and a messy one, to boot). She didn't think that she would be living back with her parents, alone, and have to deal with her fuckwad soon-to-be ex through lawyers and argumentative and slightly abusive phone calls. She was the girl who we thought had everything-a good job (a trauma nurse at one of NJ's biggest hospitals) a husband who was the life of the party, a beautiful daughter, two cars, a $450K house, a dog, three vacations a year. Who knew that her husband was a lazy and emotionally abusive bastard, that she'd be forced to sell the house less than a year after she bought it, have to fight over custody of the dog (she won, btw) and child support, and have to make it on her own after 10 years of her life (including dating) with someone?
It makes me grateful that Sean is who he is. I'm relieved that, even though we are going through our own problems, with infertility, that, if in the worst case scenario we never have children, we have each other. I think because Sean comes from a "broken home" he has more of a sense of making a marriage work, no matter what happens. He was lucky, though, that his parents didn't have a messy divorce and, from what he and his parents tell me, they shared bringing up their children without involving them in the reasons for their breakup. They are better friends now, than when they were married, according to them. In fact, my MIL goes to my FIL's salon to get her haircuts and highlights, and they constantly joke around. They made it work, because they had to-they knew that, whether they liked it or not, they would always be bonded together because of their children. I'm sure it wasn't easy, that there was a lot of anger and resentment there, but they put it aside to raise their kids together, even though they decided to seperate their lives and move on.
M's whole situation makes me realize that we both probably never expected to be in the situations we're in now-in my case, childless; in her case, marriageless-but have to deal with it as best as we can. But, boy, does it sure blow big moose ass.
Ta-DA!
Well, here's the new layout.......like it?
It was the lesser of all the evils out there, IMHO. There are TONS of sites with free layouts-blogskins.com is a good one-but there are too many teeny-bopper templates out there, and the ones i liked were a bit depressing. I wanted one with a cool graphic on it (some sassy chick looking thing), but I'm such an indecisive Libra, so I went with this one.......
Plus, the bubbles reminded me of embryos......isn't it sad that my brain always goes back to my friggin' reproductive system? Ah, well........
It was the lesser of all the evils out there, IMHO. There are TONS of sites with free layouts-blogskins.com is a good one-but there are too many teeny-bopper templates out there, and the ones i liked were a bit depressing. I wanted one with a cool graphic on it (some sassy chick looking thing), but I'm such an indecisive Libra, so I went with this one.......
Plus, the bubbles reminded me of embryos......isn't it sad that my brain always goes back to my friggin' reproductive system? Ah, well........
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
My Blog Looks Boring!
I totally need to change the look of my blog again-I'm sick of looking at it.
Any suggestions on how to make it look cooler? The ones that you can choose from on Blogger are kinda blech-are there any sites out there that have free Blogger templates?
Any suggestions on how to make it look cooler? The ones that you can choose from on Blogger are kinda blech-are there any sites out there that have free Blogger templates?
Budding Thespians are Everywhere!
I started my camp today. I direct/musical direct a children's theater workshop during the month of July. We've got a pretty good group, so far. There's this one girl, in particular, who is so talented-I mean, like she-should-get-an-agent talented. I haven't heard her sing yet (that will be tomorrow), but HOLY SHIT! And, she's only 10 years old!
I was talking to one of the moms today (her son was a former camper and is now a counselor, and she's on the board of this theater group) and our producer, who I teach with, and we were talking about my schedule because of the RE, and she (her name is Sue) was concerned, thinking something was wrong, so I gave her a brief synopsis of my reproductive situation. Turns out, she had problems conceiving all her kids, did IUI's, was on clomid, and had a lap, so she totally knew what I was talking about. Then, she told me who her doctor was, and it's the same doc my friend goes to (the one that has the 26 lb 14 month old that looks like a two year old)-small world, huh?
I talked to Nursey P this morning to make sure that they got all my bloodwork results, and she told me that my progesterone came back at 17.5, which is apparently really good. Beats the shit out of me, but she sounded really positive on the phone. She said that the natural cycle is, as of now, a "go" and we just have to wait until I get my period, which should be probably on Sunday. Then, I wait to ovulate nautrally, and five days after that we'll transfer two totsicles in and hope for the best.
I have rehearsal every weeknight from now on, which kinda sucks. There's a lot of waiting around, which I don't like-it would be one thing if I were being paid to wait around, which I'm most definitely not. This production seems to be really disorganized. Yesterday was the first time I've actually seen the stage manager at rehearsal, and we started about four weeks ago-apparently she was SM'ing another show (which was already running and didn't have brush-ups, so where was she?) and doing who-knows-what else. So, the director is running around like a maniac, doing two jobs and being constantly being pulled away to look at costumes, the MD is really laid-back, which he's paying for now that he's realized that none of the orphans or chorus really know their music, and now he's trying to crack the whip, which isn't working. Then you got all the pissed-off people (rightly so) who are sitting around for literally two hours until they can run their scene/song, and then by that time it's so late that they barely get through it once.......*sigh*..........gotta love community theater.
Boy, I really REALLY hope this show doesn't suck.
I was talking to one of the moms today (her son was a former camper and is now a counselor, and she's on the board of this theater group) and our producer, who I teach with, and we were talking about my schedule because of the RE, and she (her name is Sue) was concerned, thinking something was wrong, so I gave her a brief synopsis of my reproductive situation. Turns out, she had problems conceiving all her kids, did IUI's, was on clomid, and had a lap, so she totally knew what I was talking about. Then, she told me who her doctor was, and it's the same doc my friend goes to (the one that has the 26 lb 14 month old that looks like a two year old)-small world, huh?
I talked to Nursey P this morning to make sure that they got all my bloodwork results, and she told me that my progesterone came back at 17.5, which is apparently really good. Beats the shit out of me, but she sounded really positive on the phone. She said that the natural cycle is, as of now, a "go" and we just have to wait until I get my period, which should be probably on Sunday. Then, I wait to ovulate nautrally, and five days after that we'll transfer two totsicles in and hope for the best.
I have rehearsal every weeknight from now on, which kinda sucks. There's a lot of waiting around, which I don't like-it would be one thing if I were being paid to wait around, which I'm most definitely not. This production seems to be really disorganized. Yesterday was the first time I've actually seen the stage manager at rehearsal, and we started about four weeks ago-apparently she was SM'ing another show (which was already running and didn't have brush-ups, so where was she?) and doing who-knows-what else. So, the director is running around like a maniac, doing two jobs and being constantly being pulled away to look at costumes, the MD is really laid-back, which he's paying for now that he's realized that none of the orphans or chorus really know their music, and now he's trying to crack the whip, which isn't working. Then you got all the pissed-off people (rightly so) who are sitting around for literally two hours until they can run their scene/song, and then by that time it's so late that they barely get through it once.......*sigh*..........gotta love community theater.
Boy, I really REALLY hope this show doesn't suck.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Why Tom Cruise Sucks Ass (Big-Time!)
I've been following this whole debacle since it first happened, and it totally pisses me off.
Where the fuck does this guy get off saying that someone shouldn't take the necessary steps to make themselves mentally, as well as physically well? Does Tom Cruise have a degree, or even studied psychology and psychiatry, in depth? Last I heard, he doesn't even have a college degree, so I'd highly doubt that he even made it to Psych 101. It's nice that he "knows" about the history of psychiatry, and yes, some of it was absolutely barbaric, but without that history modern doctors would not know how to help people with mental illness compassionately and professionally. A doctor doesn't just want to give you a "happy pill" and wave you away-drugs are not the answer or a quick fix-in fact, they often don't prescribe medications right away. Their job is to make you mentally well, in a way that's best for you, not for a broad group of people.
I mean, he didn't even have the facts straight when he said that Brooke Shields was on anti-psychotics-which she isn't-and then had the nerve to go on how "vitamins and exercise" can cure all mental illnesses. How ridiculous does that sound? He's not a woman, he'll never have to face something like post-partum depression, so where does he get off giving an opinion like that?
I'm glad that Brooke Shields wrote the editorial-it shows that she is an intelligent, educated woman who is not afraid to show that, even though she is a celebrity and is put on a pedestal by the public, she is human and has the same problems and issues as many women in this country. She has brought a face to what post-partum women go through, has made it more real to people. And if Tom Cruise has to give her unsolicited medical ass-vice on national television, it shows his ignorance to the whole issue of women's health.
Now, I tried to read up on Scientology, just to see where he gets all of this from-apparently, Scientologists denounce psychology/psychiatry as "evil" and "mind-control" (for more information, read about it here). Some people see it as a cult-I can understand where that comes from. I try to be open-minded and tolerant for different faiths and denominations, but I just don't understand a "religion" (which Scientology promotes themselves to be) that makes their members feel as if getting help from professionals is as bad as murder?
I've also read in the NY Times that the studio is cutting back his promotional schedule after the Today Show interview with Matt Lauer, to avoid any similar situations. Hey, he's being paid a great deal of money to do a job, right? He should just go out and do it, instead of preach his religious/moral ideals to the nation. I don't go to work and talk about Catholicism and how wonderful I think it is to everyone, and that their views on things are evil, I'd get fired. Faster than I could say my own name.
Tom Cruise is an actor, and has had, up to now, a successful career, which he attributes to finding the Church of Scientology. But it looks like he's starting to bite the hand that has been feeding him, and it's probably only a matter of time until his career deflates because of this. I personally will not go to see his new movie, although it looks fantastic. Why should I pay my $12.00, which will ultimately end up in his pocket (I'm sure that he was intelligent enough to get percentage points of the movie) and into the Church's coffers? No way, man. They can kiss my ass.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the way to go, I think.
Where the fuck does this guy get off saying that someone shouldn't take the necessary steps to make themselves mentally, as well as physically well? Does Tom Cruise have a degree, or even studied psychology and psychiatry, in depth? Last I heard, he doesn't even have a college degree, so I'd highly doubt that he even made it to Psych 101. It's nice that he "knows" about the history of psychiatry, and yes, some of it was absolutely barbaric, but without that history modern doctors would not know how to help people with mental illness compassionately and professionally. A doctor doesn't just want to give you a "happy pill" and wave you away-drugs are not the answer or a quick fix-in fact, they often don't prescribe medications right away. Their job is to make you mentally well, in a way that's best for you, not for a broad group of people.
I mean, he didn't even have the facts straight when he said that Brooke Shields was on anti-psychotics-which she isn't-and then had the nerve to go on how "vitamins and exercise" can cure all mental illnesses. How ridiculous does that sound? He's not a woman, he'll never have to face something like post-partum depression, so where does he get off giving an opinion like that?
I'm glad that Brooke Shields wrote the editorial-it shows that she is an intelligent, educated woman who is not afraid to show that, even though she is a celebrity and is put on a pedestal by the public, she is human and has the same problems and issues as many women in this country. She has brought a face to what post-partum women go through, has made it more real to people. And if Tom Cruise has to give her unsolicited medical ass-vice on national television, it shows his ignorance to the whole issue of women's health.
Now, I tried to read up on Scientology, just to see where he gets all of this from-apparently, Scientologists denounce psychology/psychiatry as "evil" and "mind-control" (for more information, read about it here). Some people see it as a cult-I can understand where that comes from. I try to be open-minded and tolerant for different faiths and denominations, but I just don't understand a "religion" (which Scientology promotes themselves to be) that makes their members feel as if getting help from professionals is as bad as murder?
I've also read in the NY Times that the studio is cutting back his promotional schedule after the Today Show interview with Matt Lauer, to avoid any similar situations. Hey, he's being paid a great deal of money to do a job, right? He should just go out and do it, instead of preach his religious/moral ideals to the nation. I don't go to work and talk about Catholicism and how wonderful I think it is to everyone, and that their views on things are evil, I'd get fired. Faster than I could say my own name.
Tom Cruise is an actor, and has had, up to now, a successful career, which he attributes to finding the Church of Scientology. But it looks like he's starting to bite the hand that has been feeding him, and it's probably only a matter of time until his career deflates because of this. I personally will not go to see his new movie, although it looks fantastic. Why should I pay my $12.00, which will ultimately end up in his pocket (I'm sure that he was intelligent enough to get percentage points of the movie) and into the Church's coffers? No way, man. They can kiss my ass.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the way to go, I think.
Why fondue is better than a colonic cleansing
I caved last night and took a Bonine tablet before we went out to dinner. That weird rocking feeling has faded a bit-I read on the Net that taking motion sickess tablets could help......well, it did!
We went with my friend M and her sorta-kinda "friend" (she's not looking to rush into things, especially with the whole divorce, which I don't blame her for, since her soon-to-be-ex is a total asshole) Sexy Josh.....well, that's what I call him-he's got a great voice, especially over the phone...he'd probably do well as a phone-sex operator-for fondue last night. Yummy yummy. But of course, it's lethal the next day (or within a few hours, depending on what you get). I swear I think that I shit out everything I ate on the boat as well as dinner last night. At least I won't have a pooch in my hottie bathing suit now.
I went for my progesterone bloodwork this morning-there's a new Quest lab that opened that's two miles from my house. I got there and it was DEAD, so I was in and out in about 10 minutes (including paperwork processing). I think I found my new favorite place for bloodwork-the hours are better, the place is nice, and it's closer for work. Woot!
Today we're going to the shore to stay with friends until Monday-the friends that got married last year up in Vermont. We're all getting together to hang, eat, and watch the fireworks from the beach, which is cool. Then, I start camp on the 6th, as well as rehearsals again for "Oliver" which is in three weeks-yikes! I can't believe it's already July. Now it's just the waiting game until the old whore AF shows up, then it's FET time.........should be an interesting few weeks, huh?
We went with my friend M and her sorta-kinda "friend" (she's not looking to rush into things, especially with the whole divorce, which I don't blame her for, since her soon-to-be-ex is a total asshole) Sexy Josh.....well, that's what I call him-he's got a great voice, especially over the phone...he'd probably do well as a phone-sex operator-for fondue last night. Yummy yummy. But of course, it's lethal the next day (or within a few hours, depending on what you get). I swear I think that I shit out everything I ate on the boat as well as dinner last night. At least I won't have a pooch in my hottie bathing suit now.
I went for my progesterone bloodwork this morning-there's a new Quest lab that opened that's two miles from my house. I got there and it was DEAD, so I was in and out in about 10 minutes (including paperwork processing). I think I found my new favorite place for bloodwork-the hours are better, the place is nice, and it's closer for work. Woot!
Today we're going to the shore to stay with friends until Monday-the friends that got married last year up in Vermont. We're all getting together to hang, eat, and watch the fireworks from the beach, which is cool. Then, I start camp on the 6th, as well as rehearsals again for "Oliver" which is in three weeks-yikes! I can't believe it's already July. Now it's just the waiting game until the old whore AF shows up, then it's FET time.........should be an interesting few weeks, huh?
Friday, July 01, 2005
I'm baaack...........
There's laundry all over the place, I can't find my glasses (they're in my carry-on somewhere) and I'm tired as all hell......
I must be home from my lovely holiday!
Hey, anyone know how long it will take for me to get my "land-legs"? I totally still feel like everything's moving-it's weirding me out........
Bermuda was gorgeous-everyone was so nice, and the weather was perfect. The ship was HUGE-I think around 3,100 passengers-but it never really felt crowded at all. The only thing, in my opinion, that sorta sucked was the fact that we had an inside stateroom. Because there was no window, I had no concept of time, even though I had brought a travel clock. I need the sunlight-it was way too disconcerting not to know whether it was day or night.
I went snorkeling for the first time and it was pretty cool. We actually had two trips booked, one a kayak and snorkel trip, and the other was just snorkeling. I loved the fact that I got to kayak, but I freaked out and couldn't snorkel, so the next day G literally held my hand and we went off. The living coral was cool, but scared the hell out of me-I kept thinking that it was going to capture me (silly, yes, I know) and drag me to the bottom. The tour guide threw a bit of bait into the water, so we got to see all kinds of cool fish roaming around. Then we had some rum swizzles (yummy) and admired the blue water.......I'll try to post some pics that I took, if I can figure out how to do it.
All in all, it was a great week-had LOTS of sex, relaxed by the pool, and ate my face off. The only sad part was when, I finally had mobile service on the island, I spoke to my mom and she told me that my great-aunt (my grandmother's sister) had passed away on Tuesday. She had been diagnosed with cancer about two months or so ago, and it was so bad that the docs gave her only six months, recommended a morphine drip and for her to go home. The funeral was this morning, which sucked because I didn't get to go, but I'll have to send a card. It's sad, not only because she had to die in pain, but because she was the last of my grandmother's siblings left. We just celebrated her 80th birthday last year, so at least she was able to lead fo full life, unlike my grandmother, who died when she was only 61 (of ovarian cancer). We were supposed to go out this summer to visit her, kind of like a goodbye, but it all happened too fast. At least she isn't in pain anymore......
That's all for now. I've had lots brewing in my brain this last week that I'll write about later.
I must be home from my lovely holiday!
Hey, anyone know how long it will take for me to get my "land-legs"? I totally still feel like everything's moving-it's weirding me out........
Bermuda was gorgeous-everyone was so nice, and the weather was perfect. The ship was HUGE-I think around 3,100 passengers-but it never really felt crowded at all. The only thing, in my opinion, that sorta sucked was the fact that we had an inside stateroom. Because there was no window, I had no concept of time, even though I had brought a travel clock. I need the sunlight-it was way too disconcerting not to know whether it was day or night.
I went snorkeling for the first time and it was pretty cool. We actually had two trips booked, one a kayak and snorkel trip, and the other was just snorkeling. I loved the fact that I got to kayak, but I freaked out and couldn't snorkel, so the next day G literally held my hand and we went off. The living coral was cool, but scared the hell out of me-I kept thinking that it was going to capture me (silly, yes, I know) and drag me to the bottom. The tour guide threw a bit of bait into the water, so we got to see all kinds of cool fish roaming around. Then we had some rum swizzles (yummy) and admired the blue water.......I'll try to post some pics that I took, if I can figure out how to do it.
All in all, it was a great week-had LOTS of sex, relaxed by the pool, and ate my face off. The only sad part was when, I finally had mobile service on the island, I spoke to my mom and she told me that my great-aunt (my grandmother's sister) had passed away on Tuesday. She had been diagnosed with cancer about two months or so ago, and it was so bad that the docs gave her only six months, recommended a morphine drip and for her to go home. The funeral was this morning, which sucked because I didn't get to go, but I'll have to send a card. It's sad, not only because she had to die in pain, but because she was the last of my grandmother's siblings left. We just celebrated her 80th birthday last year, so at least she was able to lead fo full life, unlike my grandmother, who died when she was only 61 (of ovarian cancer). We were supposed to go out this summer to visit her, kind of like a goodbye, but it all happened too fast. At least she isn't in pain anymore......
That's all for now. I've had lots brewing in my brain this last week that I'll write about later.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
A Bittersweet Ending
And, so, the summer vacation has officially begun.
Just got home. I got my last paycheck (at least, until my summer paychecks kick in-one in July, and one in August) cleaned up my desk and put everything away, had our last faculty meeting, hung around chatting with everyone, and left.
It was a bittersweet ending though.
I was passing the nurses office, and she had extra "puberty" packets of the stuff she usually gives out to the 4th and 5th graders-if you're a teacher (or can remember as a student) you know what I mean. They have a travel-size deodorant, sanitary pads, a booklet about what to expect, that sort of thing. So, the nurse gives me a coupon/sample of the pads, and another packet, and one of the teachers says jokingly (not loudly, only for me to hear) that I don't need those. Well, I must have gotten a confused look on my face, so she gestured out into the hallway and the following awkward conversation ensued:
"You don't need those anymore, right?"
"Sure I do, why?"
"Well, because you're.......you know. I can tell by the way you're walking, and from your boobs and stomach."
"Uh.......no, I'm not"
"Are you sure? Because you might be."
"No, trust me, I'm not"
"How do you know?"
"Uh........because I can't have kids on my own, that's why. I did IVF and it failed-that's the only way that I'll ever have my own children."
Now, I hate saying that (like it's a dirty little secret), partly because I hate to admit it, and partly because she didn't mean anything ill by it, and I don't want to embarass anyone or make them feel badly (why I think like that is beyond me-ideally I shouldn't feel badly, since they're the ones being nosy, but that's just the way I am). But, an interesting conversation unfolded after that point.
It turns out that she has four children, the youngest of which she adopted in February, and had a hard time conceiving with each one. She has problems similar to mine (tubal) and knows people that went through IVF. I told her about getting OHSS and the failure of the cycle, and she asked me if we were going to do it again, so I told her about the FET scheduled next month and possible surgery down the road if it failed.
Then she said something interesting. She said that sometimes, during this whole process, you have to make the choice to "give it over" to God and trust that the outcome will be positive. She said to me "I hear you sometimes with your classes, and I know that you have God in your life, so I know that you understand my meaning."
It took everything I had not to lose it right there. Luckily I made it home without freaking out.
But, it brings up things that I've been thinking of for awhile now: the concept of having faith. Faith in God (or a higher power or whatever you believe in). Giving up your pain and fear of the unknown and trusting that it will be resolved, one way or another.
Sometimes I feel that I've lost that faith. That I can't trust anyone-not the doctors, not God, not even my own body-to give me any outcome. I feel like God doesn't listen to me anymore. I've begged, pleaded, prayed, and nothing, nada, zilch.
I truly believe that anything that happens in your life is for a reason-perhaps that reason isn't clear when the situation occurs, but down the road you see the meaning. Even this conversation today was for a reason, if only for me to face these demons that have been whispering in my ear these past few months. What was the reason for me to go through this infertility hell in the first place? What did I ever do to deserve it? I try to be a good person-I'm not mean-spirited, a murderer, drug addict, or abuser. Why did God put this burden on my shoulders? Why does he want me to be in so much pain? Why does he constantly reveal more pregnant friends to me, to make me more miserable?
And, the most important two questions-why isn't it me? And, will it ever be me?
These are the thoughts that fill my brain more and more. And, I'm tired of them in there, pushing everything else out of the way. Perhaps that was the reason for today's encounter-to make me let go and have someone else (aka God) take charge of the outcome. But, I'm getting more and more afraid that He won't do a thing about it.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not feeling strong at all lately-quite the opposite. I just want to crawl under the covers, pull them over my head and give up altogether. I mean, what's the point of taking temperatures, peeing on a stick every morning, getting up at the crack of dawn and driving for bloodwork and ultrasounds when there's no guarantee? Knowing that, aside from damaged Fallopian tubes, I'm perfectly normal and should have a litter by now? That the most intelligent and trained specialists might not be able to do a damn thing for you?Seeing that positive on the Fertility Monitor and knowing that even if Sean and I fuck every day like rabbits, I still won't get pregnant? That I've had my heart broken and I've cried every month for the last three years when I get my period? Why would a God, who loves us and is supposedly merciful, let human beings go through this?
I don't have faith in anything right now-there, I've said it. I feel empty, used and cheated. And I feel guilty as hell for saying that, but it needs to be said.
Three days until we leave for vacation. I can't think of a year when I needed to escape more than this one. I need to turn my brain off and forget all this for awhile.
Just got home. I got my last paycheck (at least, until my summer paychecks kick in-one in July, and one in August) cleaned up my desk and put everything away, had our last faculty meeting, hung around chatting with everyone, and left.
It was a bittersweet ending though.
I was passing the nurses office, and she had extra "puberty" packets of the stuff she usually gives out to the 4th and 5th graders-if you're a teacher (or can remember as a student) you know what I mean. They have a travel-size deodorant, sanitary pads, a booklet about what to expect, that sort of thing. So, the nurse gives me a coupon/sample of the pads, and another packet, and one of the teachers says jokingly (not loudly, only for me to hear) that I don't need those. Well, I must have gotten a confused look on my face, so she gestured out into the hallway and the following awkward conversation ensued:
"You don't need those anymore, right?"
"Sure I do, why?"
"Well, because you're.......you know. I can tell by the way you're walking, and from your boobs and stomach."
"Uh.......no, I'm not"
"Are you sure? Because you might be."
"No, trust me, I'm not"
"How do you know?"
"Uh........because I can't have kids on my own, that's why. I did IVF and it failed-that's the only way that I'll ever have my own children."
Now, I hate saying that (like it's a dirty little secret), partly because I hate to admit it, and partly because she didn't mean anything ill by it, and I don't want to embarass anyone or make them feel badly (why I think like that is beyond me-ideally I shouldn't feel badly, since they're the ones being nosy, but that's just the way I am). But, an interesting conversation unfolded after that point.
It turns out that she has four children, the youngest of which she adopted in February, and had a hard time conceiving with each one. She has problems similar to mine (tubal) and knows people that went through IVF. I told her about getting OHSS and the failure of the cycle, and she asked me if we were going to do it again, so I told her about the FET scheduled next month and possible surgery down the road if it failed.
Then she said something interesting. She said that sometimes, during this whole process, you have to make the choice to "give it over" to God and trust that the outcome will be positive. She said to me "I hear you sometimes with your classes, and I know that you have God in your life, so I know that you understand my meaning."
It took everything I had not to lose it right there. Luckily I made it home without freaking out.
But, it brings up things that I've been thinking of for awhile now: the concept of having faith. Faith in God (or a higher power or whatever you believe in). Giving up your pain and fear of the unknown and trusting that it will be resolved, one way or another.
Sometimes I feel that I've lost that faith. That I can't trust anyone-not the doctors, not God, not even my own body-to give me any outcome. I feel like God doesn't listen to me anymore. I've begged, pleaded, prayed, and nothing, nada, zilch.
I truly believe that anything that happens in your life is for a reason-perhaps that reason isn't clear when the situation occurs, but down the road you see the meaning. Even this conversation today was for a reason, if only for me to face these demons that have been whispering in my ear these past few months. What was the reason for me to go through this infertility hell in the first place? What did I ever do to deserve it? I try to be a good person-I'm not mean-spirited, a murderer, drug addict, or abuser. Why did God put this burden on my shoulders? Why does he want me to be in so much pain? Why does he constantly reveal more pregnant friends to me, to make me more miserable?
And, the most important two questions-why isn't it me? And, will it ever be me?
These are the thoughts that fill my brain more and more. And, I'm tired of them in there, pushing everything else out of the way. Perhaps that was the reason for today's encounter-to make me let go and have someone else (aka God) take charge of the outcome. But, I'm getting more and more afraid that He won't do a thing about it.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not feeling strong at all lately-quite the opposite. I just want to crawl under the covers, pull them over my head and give up altogether. I mean, what's the point of taking temperatures, peeing on a stick every morning, getting up at the crack of dawn and driving for bloodwork and ultrasounds when there's no guarantee? Knowing that, aside from damaged Fallopian tubes, I'm perfectly normal and should have a litter by now? That the most intelligent and trained specialists might not be able to do a damn thing for you?Seeing that positive on the Fertility Monitor and knowing that even if Sean and I fuck every day like rabbits, I still won't get pregnant? That I've had my heart broken and I've cried every month for the last three years when I get my period? Why would a God, who loves us and is supposedly merciful, let human beings go through this?
I don't have faith in anything right now-there, I've said it. I feel empty, used and cheated. And I feel guilty as hell for saying that, but it needs to be said.
Three days until we leave for vacation. I can't think of a year when I needed to escape more than this one. I need to turn my brain off and forget all this for awhile.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Just like Shitting out a Watermelon
The weekend went pretty quickly, in my opinion.
Saturday we went out with our friends K and T to get some yummy Mexican, and then to see the new Batman. Sean and K had to tear it up afterwards, to point out the discrepancies, but I liked it overall. I think my new hottie man (sorry Orlando and Hugh) that I need to obsessive over has to be Christian Bale-holy shit, he's ripped and SEXY! Mmmmm........I could go for some of that.......
Where was I?
Oh, yeah......on Sunday we went in to the Met with G&A for a lecture series on Newport furniture makers of the 18th century-particularly Townsend and Goddard. I'm not a huge fan of antiques, so I zoned out after they started talking about dovetailing wood joints, but the boys enjoyed it. I decided to bag the last lecture and went wandering around the museum. I love the Met-it's such a great place. I actually went to see the Chanel exhibit and then wandered through the Egyptian and Greco-Roman sections by myself. We met up afterwards and went and got some eats and hung out.
I got a message from one of my friends whos wife just had their first baby-I think that I mentioned it, he's the one who was really super-sensitive about letting us know that they were having a baby-and she ended up having a c-section because their son (and I totally knew that they were having a boy, btw! I just knew it!!) was 9 lbs 2 oz! Holy Mother of God, it's like shitting out a watermelon! His wife told me that she actually gave birth to a two month old (hee hee!). Seriously, I am really happy for them-they're both very nice, caring people.
I also start the monitoring for my "mock cycle" this week. I've been POAS'ing (Peeing On a Stick) since for about five days now and putting it into the little computer monitor that I have-so far, I've been on "high" for about two days now. I go tomorrow for LH bloodwork, then on Wednesday more bloodwork and a cooter-cam (woot!), Thursday is just bloodwork and Friday is another bloodwork/cooter-cam combo (do you want fries with that, ma'am?). Hopefully I'll ovulate right on time-getting up early all week to be at the lab at 7am kinda sucks (especially if The Punisher is there-I'll end up looking like a junkie by Friday), considering that Friday's my first official day of summer break-so no sleeping in for me. I think that I'll go down the Shore afterwards on Friday for some sun and fun, especially at Martell's Tiki Bar (heh)......
Saturday we went out with our friends K and T to get some yummy Mexican, and then to see the new Batman. Sean and K had to tear it up afterwards, to point out the discrepancies, but I liked it overall. I think my new hottie man (sorry Orlando and Hugh) that I need to obsessive over has to be Christian Bale-holy shit, he's ripped and SEXY! Mmmmm........I could go for some of that.......
Where was I?
Oh, yeah......on Sunday we went in to the Met with G&A for a lecture series on Newport furniture makers of the 18th century-particularly Townsend and Goddard. I'm not a huge fan of antiques, so I zoned out after they started talking about dovetailing wood joints, but the boys enjoyed it. I decided to bag the last lecture and went wandering around the museum. I love the Met-it's such a great place. I actually went to see the Chanel exhibit and then wandered through the Egyptian and Greco-Roman sections by myself. We met up afterwards and went and got some eats and hung out.
I got a message from one of my friends whos wife just had their first baby-I think that I mentioned it, he's the one who was really super-sensitive about letting us know that they were having a baby-and she ended up having a c-section because their son (and I totally knew that they were having a boy, btw! I just knew it!!) was 9 lbs 2 oz! Holy Mother of God, it's like shitting out a watermelon! His wife told me that she actually gave birth to a two month old (hee hee!). Seriously, I am really happy for them-they're both very nice, caring people.
I also start the monitoring for my "mock cycle" this week. I've been POAS'ing (Peeing On a Stick) since for about five days now and putting it into the little computer monitor that I have-so far, I've been on "high" for about two days now. I go tomorrow for LH bloodwork, then on Wednesday more bloodwork and a cooter-cam (woot!), Thursday is just bloodwork and Friday is another bloodwork/cooter-cam combo (do you want fries with that, ma'am?). Hopefully I'll ovulate right on time-getting up early all week to be at the lab at 7am kinda sucks (especially if The Punisher is there-I'll end up looking like a junkie by Friday), considering that Friday's my first official day of summer break-so no sleeping in for me. I think that I'll go down the Shore afterwards on Friday for some sun and fun, especially at Martell's Tiki Bar (heh)......
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Sorta Crappy News
Well, I found out today that the board of education is changing our health insurance company, effective July 1st, from Oxford to Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
Which, in itself, is not a total loss-more providers take BCBS than Oxford (and I've got the tenured/PPO plan, which a lot of docs take) here in NJ. Here's the problem, however-My FET is scheduled for sometime in July, and I'm going to be doing the monitoring this month. I'm afraid that there will be a lot of hassle with this, as to who pays what, what claims get sent to the wrong insurance, and I'll get the screwing of my life.....and it won't be done by someone hot, like Orlando Bloom-with my luck it will be done by some guy that looks like Jack Black. Luckily, since I've been insured as long as I've been with the district, I won't fall under a pre-existing condition, and my RE takes the new plan, but I need to talk to someone to see what's going on after July 1st.
ARRGH! Why does there have to always be a wrench thrown into something when it comes to my infertility?? Why can't it be easy, instead of filled with drama and constant insecurity?
Which, in itself, is not a total loss-more providers take BCBS than Oxford (and I've got the tenured/PPO plan, which a lot of docs take) here in NJ. Here's the problem, however-My FET is scheduled for sometime in July, and I'm going to be doing the monitoring this month. I'm afraid that there will be a lot of hassle with this, as to who pays what, what claims get sent to the wrong insurance, and I'll get the screwing of my life.....and it won't be done by someone hot, like Orlando Bloom-with my luck it will be done by some guy that looks like Jack Black. Luckily, since I've been insured as long as I've been with the district, I won't fall under a pre-existing condition, and my RE takes the new plan, but I need to talk to someone to see what's going on after July 1st.
ARRGH! Why does there have to always be a wrench thrown into something when it comes to my infertility?? Why can't it be easy, instead of filled with drama and constant insecurity?
Monday, June 13, 2005
Stuff
School is finally winding down. Of course, I totally procrastinated and waited until the last minute to finish everything I needed to hand in. I hate doing that, but I also hate doing paperwork. Now it's just dealing with graduation ceremonies and trying to keep myself from killing the kids between now and next Wednesday. It's so fucking hot, it's unreal. It's funny, if I worked for a multi-million corporate conglomerate and in the conditions I'm currently in, I could sue and never have to work again. But, it's perfectly acceptable, in some dumb burecratic asshole's mind, to have teachers (and children) spend six and a half hours a day in a building that has no air-conditioning during 90+ degree heat. Unreal.
It's so hot outside. It's too hot to do any kind of work, too hot to eat. I like a sweaty, stinky, swampy mess. I'm obsessively doing the "pit check" on a regular basis to make sure that I don't reek. Yuck.
Aunt Flo has finally stopped using my uterus as a pinata and has become much more civilized. I've forgotten that she could be so mean. But, at least she won't have to come with us to Bermuda. Packing tampons and pads when you go on vacation really sucks. Although, last year they came in handy when I did a little visual demonstration for G&A about how tampons work. Holy shit, you should have seen their faces-it was hysterical.
Nothing else going on here. The weekend was busy. I had to cantor the early Masses (Sat night and early Sunday morning), so that took up a chunk of my time. We went to a barbeque and I got all sweaty and felt gross. I guess that's about it........
Oh, yeah, we finally got our HUD PMI refund for our first mortgage, so it looks like I'm getting my laptop!! Any recommendations on good brands to buy? I'm kind of leaning towards a Dell-it's easier to deal with because of school, since they just switched all their Mac's to PC. I don't want to spend a huge amount of cash, but I definitely want wireless hookup, so I can blog wherever the fuck I want. Any suggestions?
It's so hot outside. It's too hot to do any kind of work, too hot to eat. I like a sweaty, stinky, swampy mess. I'm obsessively doing the "pit check" on a regular basis to make sure that I don't reek. Yuck.
Aunt Flo has finally stopped using my uterus as a pinata and has become much more civilized. I've forgotten that she could be so mean. But, at least she won't have to come with us to Bermuda. Packing tampons and pads when you go on vacation really sucks. Although, last year they came in handy when I did a little visual demonstration for G&A about how tampons work. Holy shit, you should have seen their faces-it was hysterical.
Nothing else going on here. The weekend was busy. I had to cantor the early Masses (Sat night and early Sunday morning), so that took up a chunk of my time. We went to a barbeque and I got all sweaty and felt gross. I guess that's about it........
Oh, yeah, we finally got our HUD PMI refund for our first mortgage, so it looks like I'm getting my laptop!! Any recommendations on good brands to buy? I'm kind of leaning towards a Dell-it's easier to deal with because of school, since they just switched all their Mac's to PC. I don't want to spend a huge amount of cash, but I definitely want wireless hookup, so I can blog wherever the fuck I want. Any suggestions?
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Red Tide
My lovely friend Aunt Flo (AF) has finally decided to pay me a visit.
I guess the spotting I had when I took the Provera was the real thing-she just decided to just stay overnight that time.
Not this time. Holy shit, she's kicking my uterus into oblivion right now. What the hell did I ever do to her? I actually wanted her to show up this time.
Oh, yeah, I decided to pump my body full of hormones, and have my body prepare for a baby that never happened. I made her do all that work for nothing. I guess I'd be pissed off too, if I were her.
I called Nursey P yesterday and left a voicemail that the old hag was here, and she called me with my protocol for this "mock cycle". I think that I'm the first person in my RE's office to do a natural-cycle (unmedicated) FET, because Nursey P said that she had to ask the RE about the protocol, as she wasn't familiar with what to do. So, starting this week, I get to pee on a stick and use the Fertility Monitor (actually, she said cycle day 12, but the monitor makes you start at cycle day 6), then I start bloodwork and ultrasounds with my buddy Mr. Techhie. I have four days in a row of bloodwork (ouch) and two ultrasounds (every other day), then I'm supposed to go for a progesterone check seven days after my surge. Unfortunately, I think that will be when I'm in Bermuda, so I guess we'll play it by ear.
The only thing that will suck is the bloodwork four days in a row. It's the last week of school, and I have to play two graduation ceremonies in hot gymnasiums. Having parents stare at what I'm sure will be the huge bruises on my arms, which will be visible due to the fact that it's 300 degrees in school right now and I'm not about to wear a long-sleeved shirt, will not be the best way to spend the last week of school. Oh, well, as long as they're gone by the time I leave for vacation.
Game on!
I guess the spotting I had when I took the Provera was the real thing-she just decided to just stay overnight that time.
Not this time. Holy shit, she's kicking my uterus into oblivion right now. What the hell did I ever do to her? I actually wanted her to show up this time.
Oh, yeah, I decided to pump my body full of hormones, and have my body prepare for a baby that never happened. I made her do all that work for nothing. I guess I'd be pissed off too, if I were her.
I called Nursey P yesterday and left a voicemail that the old hag was here, and she called me with my protocol for this "mock cycle". I think that I'm the first person in my RE's office to do a natural-cycle (unmedicated) FET, because Nursey P said that she had to ask the RE about the protocol, as she wasn't familiar with what to do. So, starting this week, I get to pee on a stick and use the Fertility Monitor (actually, she said cycle day 12, but the monitor makes you start at cycle day 6), then I start bloodwork and ultrasounds with my buddy Mr. Techhie. I have four days in a row of bloodwork (ouch) and two ultrasounds (every other day), then I'm supposed to go for a progesterone check seven days after my surge. Unfortunately, I think that will be when I'm in Bermuda, so I guess we'll play it by ear.
The only thing that will suck is the bloodwork four days in a row. It's the last week of school, and I have to play two graduation ceremonies in hot gymnasiums. Having parents stare at what I'm sure will be the huge bruises on my arms, which will be visible due to the fact that it's 300 degrees in school right now and I'm not about to wear a long-sleeved shirt, will not be the best way to spend the last week of school. Oh, well, as long as they're gone by the time I leave for vacation.
Game on!
Monday, June 06, 2005
Procrastinating
Ugh, I guess summer is here, with a vengance! Thankfully, my classroom is in the basement of our building, so it was nice and cool for the day, but I felt sorry for some of the other teachers-it was like a sweatshop in there today. And, it's supposed to be hot like this for the rest of the week. I just keep telling myself that there's only 12 more days.....
The wedding on Saturday was very nice. They looked really happy, and we had a great time, the food was good, and the booze a-flowing. I found this great dress on clearance in the mall, and then on Saturday during the cocktail hour promptly spilled chicken korma all over myself (not my fault, it slipped off the plate while I was trying to get the fork into it). Fuckers. Luckily the dress was a pale green and a lot of it came out, but it still needs to go to the dry cleaners, since I'm taking it on the cruise. Still no luck on the bathing suit, though. I think that will be Thursday's project.
I am totally procrastinating right now-I have a lot of things that I need to get done for school, reports, finishing up my planbook and grades, instrument inventories-and I have no desire to do a damn thing. I need to get on the ball, because I don't feel like stressing at the last minute, but I'm lazy as hell today.
Oh, yeah, no period yet, but I'm figuring (if that heavy spotting on May 11th and 12th was AF) that I should get it by Wednesday at the earliest. I'm getting crampy on occasion and that "swampy" feeling that you get right before, so if nothing by Friday I'll call Nursey P to see what the deal is.
And, yes, I'm procrastinating about that, too. I just don't want to be put on more meds, and have to go for a dildocam or anything, and I'm afraid that they'll tell me to come in (no, they will tell me to come in, I'm sure) and then it makes my work schedule all screwy, especially now since my principal is gone for the rest of the year and the VP (a man) is Acting Principal. It's too much of a pain in the ass to have to try to work around.
I need to get up off my lazy ass and get on the ball. Pronto.
The wedding on Saturday was very nice. They looked really happy, and we had a great time, the food was good, and the booze a-flowing. I found this great dress on clearance in the mall, and then on Saturday during the cocktail hour promptly spilled chicken korma all over myself (not my fault, it slipped off the plate while I was trying to get the fork into it). Fuckers. Luckily the dress was a pale green and a lot of it came out, but it still needs to go to the dry cleaners, since I'm taking it on the cruise. Still no luck on the bathing suit, though. I think that will be Thursday's project.
I am totally procrastinating right now-I have a lot of things that I need to get done for school, reports, finishing up my planbook and grades, instrument inventories-and I have no desire to do a damn thing. I need to get on the ball, because I don't feel like stressing at the last minute, but I'm lazy as hell today.
Oh, yeah, no period yet, but I'm figuring (if that heavy spotting on May 11th and 12th was AF) that I should get it by Wednesday at the earliest. I'm getting crampy on occasion and that "swampy" feeling that you get right before, so if nothing by Friday I'll call Nursey P to see what the deal is.
And, yes, I'm procrastinating about that, too. I just don't want to be put on more meds, and have to go for a dildocam or anything, and I'm afraid that they'll tell me to come in (no, they will tell me to come in, I'm sure) and then it makes my work schedule all screwy, especially now since my principal is gone for the rest of the year and the VP (a man) is Acting Principal. It's too much of a pain in the ass to have to try to work around.
I need to get up off my lazy ass and get on the ball. Pronto.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Friday Night Rantings
Well, the party went off without a hitch.......if you don't count my mother-in-law acting like a menopausal mess about her "baby" turning 30---give me a fucking break. She made him a photo collage for his birthday, and there's only one picture of me in it-and it happens to be the group shot of one of my wedding pictures. She just sucks. I think I'm gonna get her some Premarin for her birthday next week. Just to show her how much I care.
Oh, yeah, and the Dementor made "favors" for it too-little candies and such in one of those cloth bags. Nice, huh? Too bad she didn't offer to fork over any $$ for the party......urgh. Yes, I'm still bitter about her damn laptop. Hopefully I'll get mine soon and I'll be over it already....
But, 'Lil Man was surprised and happy, which was the point. He even came up to me later and thanked me for all the work that I did-his mother actually told him that I did it-wasn't that nice of her? I met my father-in-law's new girlfriend, who is really cool. And, nobody brought up my failed IVF cycle, which was a relief. Of course, I made sure that I had knocked back a few drinks early on, so that I could be aptly prepared for the airing of my period undies, which didn't happen. So, everyone was happy.
Oh, wow-- I'm in a really bitchy and cynical mood tonight. I think that that old crusty whore AF is finally on its way(no Cat, that bitch didn't listen to you, so I'll have to kick some ass when she shows up)-I'm getting weird twinges and mood swings the past few days, plus a zit or two. So, I'm sorry to all of you that read this- I haven't been too bloggy lately, and when I do come back I'm a raving lunatic. Not good.
Anywho, what else is going on? We're going to a wedding tomorrow-actually, we're singing the wedding Mass, then going to the reception, which is out by my parent's house (a 45 min drive from the church), so Sean and I are taking G&A out to the 'rents to hang for awhile, then we'll mosey on to the place. I got a faboo dress that I'll wear for the cruise too-it's a pale green, silk and strapless, and really vintage looking. And, the best thing was that it was like 40% off. Of course, I had to get a new hooter-holder (aka the Victoria Secret bustier) because the one I have is black, and you'd see right through the dress-not very classy. I got a nice flesh-colored one that is the perfect balance of "suck it all in" without sucking all the breath out of my lungs. It should, for $80, right?
I had my last concert on Wednesday, which was a HUGE success-the kids were incredible. My supervisor told me that he was really impressed with their sound and the blend. It's too bad that they didn't record it. Actually, on second thought, I fucked up a lot of the piano playing, so maybe it's best that nobody saved it for posterity....but, there's only 13 more days of school left-WOOT!! Then we leave for our Bermuda cruise on the 26th with G&A-holy shit I cannot WAIT........I plan on not being sober very often on that trip.
I need to go shopping for some duds for the cruise-a new bathing suit being one of them. I hate shopping for those-it makes me feel like I'm this huge blob of quivering flesh. I certainly can't wear the cute bikinis anymore, not with my belly, thighs and ass. So, I've graduated to the "tankini", which I call the "thirtysomething bikini". Perhaps it's just my skewed perception of my own body, but my thighs look horrific. Of course, those fucking mirrors in the dressing rooms don't help-I'm convinced that they're like those fun-house mirrors that make everyone look like an oompah-loompah, regardless of their height and size. Plus, I have to get D-cup bathing suits and they have to have underwire, or else you can't tell where my tits end and my waist begins. I've always had big boobs-even when I was a size 2 I had D-cups, which makes it really hard to buy clothing-everything has to be a size bigger because of my tits. And that means the specialty shops, because stores like Target don't sell those kinds of suits. Urgh. So, yes, bathing suit shopping ranks on that list of "things I'd rather not have to do", somewhere in between "gyno/RE appointments", "colonic cleansing" "holidays with my in-laws" and "eating feces". You get the point.
Speaking of my reproductive organs, not much going on there. Just waiting for that old bitch to rear her head, but I really think it will be soon-within the next week or so. Then it's time to do my mock cycle, which hopefully will be okay, then time to thaw out two of those totsicles and do the frozen transfer in July. The only snag is that my district has decided to change insurance plans, effective July 1st. It's a better plan (BC/BS), which is good (in fact, the original RE that my gyno recommended takes it, as well as my current RE), but I need to find out if they consider infertility a "pre-existing condition"-if they do, then they can exclude coverage for IF for up to six months. It figures, doesn't it? I sometimes wonder if God isn't trying to tell me that I'm not meant to do this. Maybe I should be content with what I have right now.
Just a thought....
Oh, yeah, and the Dementor made "favors" for it too-little candies and such in one of those cloth bags. Nice, huh? Too bad she didn't offer to fork over any $$ for the party......urgh. Yes, I'm still bitter about her damn laptop. Hopefully I'll get mine soon and I'll be over it already....
But, 'Lil Man was surprised and happy, which was the point. He even came up to me later and thanked me for all the work that I did-his mother actually told him that I did it-wasn't that nice of her? I met my father-in-law's new girlfriend, who is really cool. And, nobody brought up my failed IVF cycle, which was a relief. Of course, I made sure that I had knocked back a few drinks early on, so that I could be aptly prepared for the airing of my period undies, which didn't happen. So, everyone was happy.
Oh, wow-- I'm in a really bitchy and cynical mood tonight. I think that that old crusty whore AF is finally on its way(no Cat, that bitch didn't listen to you, so I'll have to kick some ass when she shows up)-I'm getting weird twinges and mood swings the past few days, plus a zit or two. So, I'm sorry to all of you that read this- I haven't been too bloggy lately, and when I do come back I'm a raving lunatic. Not good.
Anywho, what else is going on? We're going to a wedding tomorrow-actually, we're singing the wedding Mass, then going to the reception, which is out by my parent's house (a 45 min drive from the church), so Sean and I are taking G&A out to the 'rents to hang for awhile, then we'll mosey on to the place. I got a faboo dress that I'll wear for the cruise too-it's a pale green, silk and strapless, and really vintage looking. And, the best thing was that it was like 40% off. Of course, I had to get a new hooter-holder (aka the Victoria Secret bustier) because the one I have is black, and you'd see right through the dress-not very classy. I got a nice flesh-colored one that is the perfect balance of "suck it all in" without sucking all the breath out of my lungs. It should, for $80, right?
I had my last concert on Wednesday, which was a HUGE success-the kids were incredible. My supervisor told me that he was really impressed with their sound and the blend. It's too bad that they didn't record it. Actually, on second thought, I fucked up a lot of the piano playing, so maybe it's best that nobody saved it for posterity....but, there's only 13 more days of school left-WOOT!! Then we leave for our Bermuda cruise on the 26th with G&A-holy shit I cannot WAIT........I plan on not being sober very often on that trip.
I need to go shopping for some duds for the cruise-a new bathing suit being one of them. I hate shopping for those-it makes me feel like I'm this huge blob of quivering flesh. I certainly can't wear the cute bikinis anymore, not with my belly, thighs and ass. So, I've graduated to the "tankini", which I call the "thirtysomething bikini". Perhaps it's just my skewed perception of my own body, but my thighs look horrific. Of course, those fucking mirrors in the dressing rooms don't help-I'm convinced that they're like those fun-house mirrors that make everyone look like an oompah-loompah, regardless of their height and size. Plus, I have to get D-cup bathing suits and they have to have underwire, or else you can't tell where my tits end and my waist begins. I've always had big boobs-even when I was a size 2 I had D-cups, which makes it really hard to buy clothing-everything has to be a size bigger because of my tits. And that means the specialty shops, because stores like Target don't sell those kinds of suits. Urgh. So, yes, bathing suit shopping ranks on that list of "things I'd rather not have to do", somewhere in between "gyno/RE appointments", "colonic cleansing" "holidays with my in-laws" and "eating feces". You get the point.
Speaking of my reproductive organs, not much going on there. Just waiting for that old bitch to rear her head, but I really think it will be soon-within the next week or so. Then it's time to do my mock cycle, which hopefully will be okay, then time to thaw out two of those totsicles and do the frozen transfer in July. The only snag is that my district has decided to change insurance plans, effective July 1st. It's a better plan (BC/BS), which is good (in fact, the original RE that my gyno recommended takes it, as well as my current RE), but I need to find out if they consider infertility a "pre-existing condition"-if they do, then they can exclude coverage for IF for up to six months. It figures, doesn't it? I sometimes wonder if God isn't trying to tell me that I'm not meant to do this. Maybe I should be content with what I have right now.
Just a thought....
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Party Day
It's a glorious morning-in fact, I think that this is the first Memorial Day weekend in a few years that hasn't been cold and rainy. Sean's out doing some carpentry work (yay, extra $$!!) and I get the house to myself for the morning.
Of course, today is D-Day-'Lil Man's surprise party. We're meeting my father-in-law and his new girlfriend at 5:30, along with 'Lil Man and the Dementor (heh, that totally sounds like a porn movie title, doesn't it?)
Honestly, I can't wait to get this over with. I'm sure that once I'm there it will be fine, but I don't want to deal with my mother-in-law right now. I talked to my mom about it yesterday, and she said that I shouldn't deal with it in the future, just tell her to talk to Sean (she does that with my grandmother, and I guess it works for her), but I feel like that's just avoidance, in a way. Plus, I have the strangest feeling that one day I will have to deal with it, and I don't want years of anger to overflow like lava out of an exploding volcano. So, I'll put on a happy face for today, since family will be there.
The thing that I'm stressed out about is that his family, or, more specifically, his mom's family will be there-the ones that she blabbed to about our IVF cycle (and also blabbed that the cycle failed, btw). Firstly, I don't want to answer any questions or get expressions of sympathy-I don't really want to talk about it. It's over and done with, it didn't happen, and talking about it only brings up the pain all over again, and this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Secondly, I don't want to talk about it because Sean's father's family will be there as well, and they have no idea what's going on, and then I'd have to explain all over again-there are enough people who are involved in my reproductive affairs, and I don't need to add yet another buddy group, thankyouverymuch. Also, one of 'Lil Man's friends will be there, and he and his wife had a miscarriage around Christmastime, and we don't need to make anyone uncomfortable. Then again, since 'Lil Man has also seemed to have inherited his mother's panache of airing the family laundry (he told Sean's friend that we were going through IVF and the OHSS aftereffects after they had invited us to a party at their house. I didn't know until his friend called us up to see how I was. You should have seen the fight it caused later on between Sean and I), his friend probably knows all the gory details of our story. It's like having your freshly washed period underwear put on the clothesline for all the neighborhood to see. Nice.
In-laws. Don't you love them? I'd rather have a flesh-eating virus sometimes. At least heavy-duty antibiotics can cure that.
Of course, today is D-Day-'Lil Man's surprise party. We're meeting my father-in-law and his new girlfriend at 5:30, along with 'Lil Man and the Dementor (heh, that totally sounds like a porn movie title, doesn't it?)
Honestly, I can't wait to get this over with. I'm sure that once I'm there it will be fine, but I don't want to deal with my mother-in-law right now. I talked to my mom about it yesterday, and she said that I shouldn't deal with it in the future, just tell her to talk to Sean (she does that with my grandmother, and I guess it works for her), but I feel like that's just avoidance, in a way. Plus, I have the strangest feeling that one day I will have to deal with it, and I don't want years of anger to overflow like lava out of an exploding volcano. So, I'll put on a happy face for today, since family will be there.
The thing that I'm stressed out about is that his family, or, more specifically, his mom's family will be there-the ones that she blabbed to about our IVF cycle (and also blabbed that the cycle failed, btw). Firstly, I don't want to answer any questions or get expressions of sympathy-I don't really want to talk about it. It's over and done with, it didn't happen, and talking about it only brings up the pain all over again, and this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Secondly, I don't want to talk about it because Sean's father's family will be there as well, and they have no idea what's going on, and then I'd have to explain all over again-there are enough people who are involved in my reproductive affairs, and I don't need to add yet another buddy group, thankyouverymuch. Also, one of 'Lil Man's friends will be there, and he and his wife had a miscarriage around Christmastime, and we don't need to make anyone uncomfortable. Then again, since 'Lil Man has also seemed to have inherited his mother's panache of airing the family laundry (he told Sean's friend that we were going through IVF and the OHSS aftereffects after they had invited us to a party at their house. I didn't know until his friend called us up to see how I was. You should have seen the fight it caused later on between Sean and I), his friend probably knows all the gory details of our story. It's like having your freshly washed period underwear put on the clothesline for all the neighborhood to see. Nice.
In-laws. Don't you love them? I'd rather have a flesh-eating virus sometimes. At least heavy-duty antibiotics can cure that.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Save the Drama for Yo Momma
My brother-in-law's birthday was yesterday (the big 3-0) and there's been big-time drama surrounding this impending, uh, "celebration".
My brother-in law (we'll call him 'Lil Man-you'll soon see why) has a serious case of arrested development. He's totally babied by his mommy and has a girlfriend that is exactly like his mom. Now, 'Lil Man "tried" to be an actor for awhile......I put that in quotes because he really wasn't willing, in my opinion, to do what it takes to succeed-he wouldn't go on tour (it would take him away from his girlfriend, who I dubbed "the soul-sucker", but I think that I'll call her "The Dementor" from here on out), wouldn't pound the pavements-he wanted the "big-shot producer/director to come up to him off the street and offer him a role" scenario-yeah, right-like that happens every day. He had some opportunities, like auditioning for the National Tour of "Oklahoma" and also for The Blue Man Group, but the Dementor talked him out of it. So, he has been working at Starbucks, and lives with the soul-sucker in her mother's house......are you getting a mental picture.....and watching his friends develop their careers, marry, and buy real estate, and letting life pass him by.
So, his 30th birthday was approaching, and Sean thought that it would be nice to have a surprise party for his brother. We talk to his parents about it, and decide on a party of mostly family (we added two friends of his, but they are friends that he grew up with and are still close to) at a Japanese restaurant. We decide to split the bill three ways (us, mother-in-law and father-in-law) and we thought that we could have the party on his actual birthday.
Here's when the "fun" begins.
The Dementor goes and auditions for a show and gets a part. The show runs through his birthday weekend---she says that she didn't "realize" that there was a performance on his birthday, but I personally think that she's full of shit--so having the party on his birthday now out. We scramble for a different date, and come up with the 28th of May. Memorial Day weekend, which sucks but hey, it's better than nothing.
Now, the Dementor, who is not putting any $$$ in on this party (nor did she offer), decided that she wanted to "help" by making invitations. On the computer. Or, more specifically, on the $1200 new Mac laptop that she had just bought two weeks prior.
Yep, you read that correctly. Am I bitter? Hell yes, especially since I also saved up for a laptop, was about to buy one, then found out that my health insurance didn't cover embryo freezing and I had to cough up all that cash to make sure my totsicles would stay frozen. Priorities, you know.
So, we finally get together to do these invites (she canceled twice, btw), and she has no clue what she's doing. And, she keeps making these "we" suggestions: "We should make it look like this" and "Maybe we should call and confirm at the restaurant about the date and time". As I was literally doing all the work. But, I was good, I didn't make any comments, like "We should shut our mouths, especially since we aren't contributing". Even Sean marveled at my self-control. Needless to say, I ended up taking them home (she had to leave early) and doing them myself. I also bought the paper, since she never got any. But, to be fair, she did buy all eight stamps and addressed the envelopes herself.
Okay, so the invites are out, everything's going well. Then the Dementor tells my mother-in-law that all of "Lil Man's friends would be "so disappointed" if they weren't invited. So, my mother-in law, feeling guilty, starts talking about having another party at her house for just his 25 friends. Are you fucking kidding me??? Sean put the kabosh on that right away. Then, mother-in-law decided to just have something small (BBQ and cake) at the house for immediate family on his actual birthday to throw him off. Okay, sounds good, right?
Now, right now our financial situation really sucks. Big time. We're in the process of refinancing, and we don't have two nickels to rub together until payday, which is on the 31st. Yeah it sucks, but that means tightening the belt a bit. So, feeling bad, we didn't get 'Lil Man a gift, just a card. We rationalized it by saying that the surprise party is our gift to him. 'Lil Man mentioned to mommy that he was "bummed" that we didn't get him anything. Mommy called us on Saturday night (while we had company) and said that she had to "get something off her chest". I was the dumbass who picked up the phone.
So, she goes into her whole thing that 'Lil Man was upset, and that it "weirded her out" that we didn't get him anything. I tried to explain (without going into financial detail, since it's none of her business) that the party is his gift, and she said "yeah, but today's his birthday", and was going on and on about it. I tell her that money's really tight for us right now, but she doesn't want to hear it. So, I just put Sean on the phone, because I truly didn't want to deal with it. And he let her know the same thing. You know what she says? "Oh, well, you should have just let me know, I would have given you some $$ to put in a card for him" WTF!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? Thank God that Sean told her that he didn't need to be bailed out by her, and that his brother needed to realize that it's not about getting a gift, and that we never get anything from him on our birthdays (because he's crying poor, but mommy still pays a lot of his bills) except a card, which is fine with us. So she says "well, maybe I shouldn't have called. It was a bad idea", and Sean agreed with her.
I still can't believe that she had the balls to call us and question us as to why 'Lil Man didn't get a birthday present. That's just rude and tacky. It's frankly none of her business, and is typical of her. She gets upset about things and totally blows them out of proportion and makes a big deal with things. She did this with our wedding, when she was too busy being "in love" and talking about wanting to get remarried to help with things like a guest list and table placements, and she did shit like this with me and my infertility, when she told all of Sean's family that I was doing IVF without asking my permission first, and let me find out that they knew on my own in the middle of Easter dinner. It shouldn't shock me, really, this passive-agressive personality of hers, but I'm getting weary of her butting her nose in where is doesn't belong. And, if we have kids, it will only get worse. Right now, I just let Sean deal with her, because he's used to handling her when she gets like that. But, I let it be known to him that, if we can have kids, I will not put up with that bullshit, not when it comes to my children. And I would no longer be silent.
It's so totally opposite from my own family. My parents respect our privacy, and, we tell each other exactly how we feel, maybe to the other extreme, since we're always arguing and annoying the piss out of each other. But, we don't play bullshit mind games, and we don't question each other's motives. This wouldn't have even been an issue had the party was held yesterday, but it just brings home the fact that you not only marry the man, but his family as well.
My brother-in law (we'll call him 'Lil Man-you'll soon see why) has a serious case of arrested development. He's totally babied by his mommy and has a girlfriend that is exactly like his mom. Now, 'Lil Man "tried" to be an actor for awhile......I put that in quotes because he really wasn't willing, in my opinion, to do what it takes to succeed-he wouldn't go on tour (it would take him away from his girlfriend, who I dubbed "the soul-sucker", but I think that I'll call her "The Dementor" from here on out), wouldn't pound the pavements-he wanted the "big-shot producer/director to come up to him off the street and offer him a role" scenario-yeah, right-like that happens every day. He had some opportunities, like auditioning for the National Tour of "Oklahoma" and also for The Blue Man Group, but the Dementor talked him out of it. So, he has been working at Starbucks, and lives with the soul-sucker in her mother's house......are you getting a mental picture.....and watching his friends develop their careers, marry, and buy real estate, and letting life pass him by.
So, his 30th birthday was approaching, and Sean thought that it would be nice to have a surprise party for his brother. We talk to his parents about it, and decide on a party of mostly family (we added two friends of his, but they are friends that he grew up with and are still close to) at a Japanese restaurant. We decide to split the bill three ways (us, mother-in-law and father-in-law) and we thought that we could have the party on his actual birthday.
Here's when the "fun" begins.
The Dementor goes and auditions for a show and gets a part. The show runs through his birthday weekend---she says that she didn't "realize" that there was a performance on his birthday, but I personally think that she's full of shit--so having the party on his birthday now out. We scramble for a different date, and come up with the 28th of May. Memorial Day weekend, which sucks but hey, it's better than nothing.
Now, the Dementor, who is not putting any $$$ in on this party (nor did she offer), decided that she wanted to "help" by making invitations. On the computer. Or, more specifically, on the $1200 new Mac laptop that she had just bought two weeks prior.
Yep, you read that correctly. Am I bitter? Hell yes, especially since I also saved up for a laptop, was about to buy one, then found out that my health insurance didn't cover embryo freezing and I had to cough up all that cash to make sure my totsicles would stay frozen. Priorities, you know.
So, we finally get together to do these invites (she canceled twice, btw), and she has no clue what she's doing. And, she keeps making these "we" suggestions: "We should make it look like this" and "Maybe we should call and confirm at the restaurant about the date and time". As I was literally doing all the work. But, I was good, I didn't make any comments, like "We should shut our mouths, especially since we aren't contributing". Even Sean marveled at my self-control. Needless to say, I ended up taking them home (she had to leave early) and doing them myself. I also bought the paper, since she never got any. But, to be fair, she did buy all eight stamps and addressed the envelopes herself.
Okay, so the invites are out, everything's going well. Then the Dementor tells my mother-in-law that all of "Lil Man's friends would be "so disappointed" if they weren't invited. So, my mother-in law, feeling guilty, starts talking about having another party at her house for just his 25 friends. Are you fucking kidding me??? Sean put the kabosh on that right away. Then, mother-in-law decided to just have something small (BBQ and cake) at the house for immediate family on his actual birthday to throw him off. Okay, sounds good, right?
Now, right now our financial situation really sucks. Big time. We're in the process of refinancing, and we don't have two nickels to rub together until payday, which is on the 31st. Yeah it sucks, but that means tightening the belt a bit. So, feeling bad, we didn't get 'Lil Man a gift, just a card. We rationalized it by saying that the surprise party is our gift to him. 'Lil Man mentioned to mommy that he was "bummed" that we didn't get him anything. Mommy called us on Saturday night (while we had company) and said that she had to "get something off her chest". I was the dumbass who picked up the phone.
So, she goes into her whole thing that 'Lil Man was upset, and that it "weirded her out" that we didn't get him anything. I tried to explain (without going into financial detail, since it's none of her business) that the party is his gift, and she said "yeah, but today's his birthday", and was going on and on about it. I tell her that money's really tight for us right now, but she doesn't want to hear it. So, I just put Sean on the phone, because I truly didn't want to deal with it. And he let her know the same thing. You know what she says? "Oh, well, you should have just let me know, I would have given you some $$ to put in a card for him" WTF!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? Thank God that Sean told her that he didn't need to be bailed out by her, and that his brother needed to realize that it's not about getting a gift, and that we never get anything from him on our birthdays (because he's crying poor, but mommy still pays a lot of his bills) except a card, which is fine with us. So she says "well, maybe I shouldn't have called. It was a bad idea", and Sean agreed with her.
I still can't believe that she had the balls to call us and question us as to why 'Lil Man didn't get a birthday present. That's just rude and tacky. It's frankly none of her business, and is typical of her. She gets upset about things and totally blows them out of proportion and makes a big deal with things. She did this with our wedding, when she was too busy being "in love" and talking about wanting to get remarried to help with things like a guest list and table placements, and she did shit like this with me and my infertility, when she told all of Sean's family that I was doing IVF without asking my permission first, and let me find out that they knew on my own in the middle of Easter dinner. It shouldn't shock me, really, this passive-agressive personality of hers, but I'm getting weary of her butting her nose in where is doesn't belong. And, if we have kids, it will only get worse. Right now, I just let Sean deal with her, because he's used to handling her when she gets like that. But, I let it be known to him that, if we can have kids, I will not put up with that bullshit, not when it comes to my children. And I would no longer be silent.
It's so totally opposite from my own family. My parents respect our privacy, and, we tell each other exactly how we feel, maybe to the other extreme, since we're always arguing and annoying the piss out of each other. But, we don't play bullshit mind games, and we don't question each other's motives. This wouldn't have even been an issue had the party was held yesterday, but it just brings home the fact that you not only marry the man, but his family as well.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Blah blah fucking blah
Well, the concert went well, despite the fact that out of the 11 boys that I normally have in my chorus, only 4 of them decided to show up for the evening performance. Whatever. I was pretty pissed off, especially since two of them were playing outside in the ballfield when I got to school that night, but that's my lesson for next year-don't take everyone, especially if they had the balls to miss a performance. Thank God that the ones who were knew their stuff. It turned out pretty good, nonetheless.....
I started rehearsals tonight for a summer show that I'm doing ("Oliver"). I was a bit apprehensive at first for doing this show-I ended up taking a part that I wasn't sure about (the Widow Corney), and I was bummed out that I didn't get the part I really wanted (Nancy, of course), but hopefully it will be a good show. There's a zillion kids, which should be interesting.
Other than that, nothing new going on. Just waiting for vacation and then, my FET cycle. Hopefully this one will work.
I started rehearsals tonight for a summer show that I'm doing ("Oliver"). I was a bit apprehensive at first for doing this show-I ended up taking a part that I wasn't sure about (the Widow Corney), and I was bummed out that I didn't get the part I really wanted (Nancy, of course), but hopefully it will be a good show. There's a zillion kids, which should be interesting.
Other than that, nothing new going on. Just waiting for vacation and then, my FET cycle. Hopefully this one will work.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Oh AF, where the hell are you?
OK, so I'm on day 53 of my cycle, and still no sign of my period.
And, before you get all excited.......no, I'm not pregnant. You'd actually have to have sex for that to happen, and, quite honestly, there's way too much that's been up my whoo-ha within the past eight weeks--I don't need anything else in there right now, thankyouverymuch.
I've been off the Provera since the 7th, and Nursey P said that I'd get it anytime from the day after I started the pills to up to 10 days after I stopped......I think that would be by the 17th. I guess if there's nothing I'll call the RE again and see what's up.
I'm bloated, bitchy, occasionally crampy and starting to get some zits, but no period. I did spot for like a day, but that's it. Fuckers. I hate waiting. This sucks.
Other than the waiting game, nothing else is going on right now. Oh, yeah, on Mother(fucker)'s Day I spoke to my grandmother, and when I wished her a Happy Mother's Day she said "And the same to.....oh.....". Great. I know that she didn't mean anything malicious about it (she's 86 and starting to get a touch of senility), but it still made me feel like shit. Figures.
On a semi-good note, we leave for vacation (Bermuda) in exactly 41 days-woot! I can't wait. We both really need this vacation, mentally and physically. Hopefully I'll get the old whore soon so it won't fuck up my vacation-carrying tampons and various anti-cramp medications with you to a tropical island really really sucks major ass. Especially when you're going with three guys (yes, including my husband-what kind of a girl do you think I am??) and want to wear a bathing suit.
So I'm calling out a missing person's report on my period: Name: Aunt Flo (or AF) Description: brown to red coloring, medium flow, very little cramping (but of course, due to all the hormones I'm sure it will be horrific), usually arrives within 28-30 days, and stays for about 5 days. If anyone's seen her, please tell her that she's long overdue here in New Jersey, and to get her lazy ass over here now, before she gets a serious beatdown from me.
And, before you get all excited.......no, I'm not pregnant. You'd actually have to have sex for that to happen, and, quite honestly, there's way too much that's been up my whoo-ha within the past eight weeks--I don't need anything else in there right now, thankyouverymuch.
I've been off the Provera since the 7th, and Nursey P said that I'd get it anytime from the day after I started the pills to up to 10 days after I stopped......I think that would be by the 17th. I guess if there's nothing I'll call the RE again and see what's up.
I'm bloated, bitchy, occasionally crampy and starting to get some zits, but no period. I did spot for like a day, but that's it. Fuckers. I hate waiting. This sucks.
Other than the waiting game, nothing else is going on right now. Oh, yeah, on Mother(fucker)'s Day I spoke to my grandmother, and when I wished her a Happy Mother's Day she said "And the same to.....oh.....". Great. I know that she didn't mean anything malicious about it (she's 86 and starting to get a touch of senility), but it still made me feel like shit. Figures.
On a semi-good note, we leave for vacation (Bermuda) in exactly 41 days-woot! I can't wait. We both really need this vacation, mentally and physically. Hopefully I'll get the old whore soon so it won't fuck up my vacation-carrying tampons and various anti-cramp medications with you to a tropical island really really sucks major ass. Especially when you're going with three guys (yes, including my husband-what kind of a girl do you think I am??) and want to wear a bathing suit.
So I'm calling out a missing person's report on my period: Name: Aunt Flo (or AF) Description: brown to red coloring, medium flow, very little cramping (but of course, due to all the hormones I'm sure it will be horrific), usually arrives within 28-30 days, and stays for about 5 days. If anyone's seen her, please tell her that she's long overdue here in New Jersey, and to get her lazy ass over here now, before she gets a serious beatdown from me.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
You go girl!
Just heard some great news from Shelli-a birth mother is interested in her and Narda!!
Check out her blog: http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com/
I'll put in some white voodoo in for the both of you....I hope that this is is the one!
Check out her blog: http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com/
I'll put in some white voodoo in for the both of you....I hope that this is is the one!
Casting against type
My friend called me yesterday afternoon (the one who's having the first birthday party), and she told me that she knows that it's a tough time for us right now, and that she doesn't want us to feel obligated to come to the party. She is also an IF survivor (she was lucky and had an insemination that took the first time, but they tried for awhile) and she said that she's been in the same situation, and how it's hard to be around babies and celebrating birthdays right now, and she and her husband won't be offended in the least if we don't show up.
It makes me feel a bit better for not wanting to go. Right now I don't want to go anywhere or do much right now. Actually, it's 7pm and I'm sitting in my pj's. It's just that I can't be bothered anymore.
Sean said that he's worried that I'm depressed. I don't think that I am. I'm angry, bitter, sad, emotional, and I want to punch things at times, but I don't want to jump off a bridge or anything.
I feel apathetic. Actually, I don't really want to feel anything right now, to be honest. It's just easier.
In other news, I started the Provera on Tuesday night. So far, no period. With my shitty luck I won't get my period for two weeks (Nursey P said that you could get it anytime from the day after you start the pills up to 10 days after you stop them-fucking great). I also had a shitty rehearsal today at school with my choir kids. Some of them have fucked around in the past few weeks and now they don't know the music for the concert (which is May 16th). I don't even bother to get upset-they could see it on my face that I was not a happy camper. They only have one rehearsal left, so hopefully the rehearsal will scare the shit out of them enough to actually memorize the pieces.
Such is my life at this point in time. Why should anything go right, or be easier for me? It would be casting against type, at least for me.
It makes me feel a bit better for not wanting to go. Right now I don't want to go anywhere or do much right now. Actually, it's 7pm and I'm sitting in my pj's. It's just that I can't be bothered anymore.
Sean said that he's worried that I'm depressed. I don't think that I am. I'm angry, bitter, sad, emotional, and I want to punch things at times, but I don't want to jump off a bridge or anything.
I feel apathetic. Actually, I don't really want to feel anything right now, to be honest. It's just easier.
In other news, I started the Provera on Tuesday night. So far, no period. With my shitty luck I won't get my period for two weeks (Nursey P said that you could get it anytime from the day after you start the pills up to 10 days after you stop them-fucking great). I also had a shitty rehearsal today at school with my choir kids. Some of them have fucked around in the past few weeks and now they don't know the music for the concert (which is May 16th). I don't even bother to get upset-they could see it on my face that I was not a happy camper. They only have one rehearsal left, so hopefully the rehearsal will scare the shit out of them enough to actually memorize the pieces.
Such is my life at this point in time. Why should anything go right, or be easier for me? It would be casting against type, at least for me.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Fair-Weather Friendships
Nowadays I just have random thoughts running rampant in my brain, and some irk me more than others. I'm not sure if they're legitimate or if they're just leftover hormones, but here's one of them:
What the fuck happened to some of my friends through all of this shit that I'm going through?? Where did they go when I needed them?
Now, let me try to explain my network of friends. I can categorize them into groups:
1. Friends from childhood/school/college
2. Friends from Church
3. Friends that I've met through work
4. Friends that I've met online through sites like Fertility Friend.
5. Friends made through acting experiences at a particular theater.
I have no problems with friendships from categories 1-4-in fact, they have been amazingly supportive, sensitive and nothing but kind. Category #5, on the other hand, leaves much to be desired.
A little background for you: Most of the friends in this grouping I've known for almost ten years. I've celebrated weddings (I have been in them, and they were a part of my wedding), dinners, vacations, and parties with these people. They all knew what I was going through with infertility from the beginning. They've seen me get upset and cry over all of this bullshit. Now, ask me how many of them have called me, even once, to see how I am, or what was up, since January.
One. Just one, and she called me right after my embryo retrieval, as I was beginning to hyperstimulate. I think that I actually called her first, so I'm not sure if I should even count her.
Not anyone else. Not a card, not an email, not a phonecall. These were people that, up to this point, I considered pretty good friends. I am now wondering if they meant more to me than I obviously did to them. And this realization really sucks.
I know that infertility is a mysterious, scary thing to those who aren't going through it, and it's not easy to understand. And it's not like I was constantly talking about my reproductive problems to them-in fact, a lot of the time they were the ones to bring it up in conversation.
This whole obsessive thought came about because I got a general email from one of these friends saying that he was thinking of having a Memorial Day bash at his house and he wanted to see who was interested. I really had the almost uncontrollable urge to send a mass reply saying that I wouldn't go, because I wasn't interested in being a "fair-weather" friend anymore, but I chickened out and so haven't replied yet.
It just pisses me off. I feel a little betrayed by these people. I'm not saying that I want people to kiss my ass, but they knew that I was going through IVF and they didn't even acknowledge it. It just hurts that I thought that these people were better friends than they turned out to be, in the end. And I feel stupid, as if I should have known, deep down, that they would be this way-it's like my eyes have finally been opened.
I feel as I've been shunned, alienated, from a group of people that were once good friends, but now are in this ambiguous category that I have yet to name- "People who once were close friends that I'm not sure are anymore"? "People who are self-centered"? What do I call them now?
Just chalk this up as another casualty in the psychological and physical warfare that is infertility.
What the fuck happened to some of my friends through all of this shit that I'm going through?? Where did they go when I needed them?
Now, let me try to explain my network of friends. I can categorize them into groups:
1. Friends from childhood/school/college
2. Friends from Church
3. Friends that I've met through work
4. Friends that I've met online through sites like Fertility Friend.
5. Friends made through acting experiences at a particular theater.
I have no problems with friendships from categories 1-4-in fact, they have been amazingly supportive, sensitive and nothing but kind. Category #5, on the other hand, leaves much to be desired.
A little background for you: Most of the friends in this grouping I've known for almost ten years. I've celebrated weddings (I have been in them, and they were a part of my wedding), dinners, vacations, and parties with these people. They all knew what I was going through with infertility from the beginning. They've seen me get upset and cry over all of this bullshit. Now, ask me how many of them have called me, even once, to see how I am, or what was up, since January.
One. Just one, and she called me right after my embryo retrieval, as I was beginning to hyperstimulate. I think that I actually called her first, so I'm not sure if I should even count her.
Not anyone else. Not a card, not an email, not a phonecall. These were people that, up to this point, I considered pretty good friends. I am now wondering if they meant more to me than I obviously did to them. And this realization really sucks.
I know that infertility is a mysterious, scary thing to those who aren't going through it, and it's not easy to understand. And it's not like I was constantly talking about my reproductive problems to them-in fact, a lot of the time they were the ones to bring it up in conversation.
This whole obsessive thought came about because I got a general email from one of these friends saying that he was thinking of having a Memorial Day bash at his house and he wanted to see who was interested. I really had the almost uncontrollable urge to send a mass reply saying that I wouldn't go, because I wasn't interested in being a "fair-weather" friend anymore, but I chickened out and so haven't replied yet.
It just pisses me off. I feel a little betrayed by these people. I'm not saying that I want people to kiss my ass, but they knew that I was going through IVF and they didn't even acknowledge it. It just hurts that I thought that these people were better friends than they turned out to be, in the end. And I feel stupid, as if I should have known, deep down, that they would be this way-it's like my eyes have finally been opened.
I feel as I've been shunned, alienated, from a group of people that were once good friends, but now are in this ambiguous category that I have yet to name- "People who once were close friends that I'm not sure are anymore"? "People who are self-centered"? What do I call them now?
Just chalk this up as another casualty in the psychological and physical warfare that is infertility.
Mixed reactions
I'm not sure whether I ever wrote about this or not, but while I was doing my IVF cycle, a friend/work colleague (let's call her "L") was as well-we were literally within days of each other in our cycles. She was diagnosed with "unexplained" infertility, but they found when she did her IVF that she had, at 29, the eggs of a 40 year old.
L told me yesterday afteroon that she got a positive pregnancy test. She didn't tell me right away as she didn't want me to feel badly, which was very sensitive of her-IF patients are, if nothing else, overly sensitive of others feelings.
I am happy for her, I really am. She deserves it. But, why then am I so sad and upset?
Because it's not me. I had those "perfect" embryos and nothing happened. She had shitty eggs and got pregnant. I've been trying to have a baby for almost three years now and am still trying in vain. She has what I so desperately want.
I was really starting to feel a bit better about my failed cycle. I was thinking that maybe those three blastocysts in the clinic freezer were meant to be there, that they were meant to be the ones that implant. Now I don't know what to think anymore. It just brought everything back with a vengance. Maybe I wasn't really over it after all-I was just putting a lid on my emotions.
Also, another colleague who had IF problems just gave birth today, and I got invitations a baby shower and two first-birthday parties for the next two Saturdays. I so do not want to see happy mothers and babies right now-it makes me want to punch something. I was even supposed to cantor the Mother's Day masses this weekend, and I had to switch with someone, because I can't deal with it right now. I'm not a mother, and there's a real possibility that I might never be one, so why have to sit through the priest asking all the mothers to stand for a special blessing? In fact, that was how I was sorta planning to tell people at church, if I had gotten pregnant-by standing for the blessing. Guess that aint' happening this year.......
Unfortunately, my parents 34th wedding anniversary is also this Sunday, which is Mother's Day, so I have to call them for that. But I'm not doing cards this year for anyone-I just can't. I think that I might vomit if I have to write them out.
So, am I an asshole for not going to any of these happy events? I feel slightly guilty, but I am afraid of how I'd react at these parties. I also don't want to deal with anyone's insensitive/ignorant comments and questions about my reproductive life, which inevitably happens at these types of things. I don't want to have a meltdown in public.
I just feel as if I'm walking a fine line with my sanity right now. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
L told me yesterday afteroon that she got a positive pregnancy test. She didn't tell me right away as she didn't want me to feel badly, which was very sensitive of her-IF patients are, if nothing else, overly sensitive of others feelings.
I am happy for her, I really am. She deserves it. But, why then am I so sad and upset?
Because it's not me. I had those "perfect" embryos and nothing happened. She had shitty eggs and got pregnant. I've been trying to have a baby for almost three years now and am still trying in vain. She has what I so desperately want.
I was really starting to feel a bit better about my failed cycle. I was thinking that maybe those three blastocysts in the clinic freezer were meant to be there, that they were meant to be the ones that implant. Now I don't know what to think anymore. It just brought everything back with a vengance. Maybe I wasn't really over it after all-I was just putting a lid on my emotions.
Also, another colleague who had IF problems just gave birth today, and I got invitations a baby shower and two first-birthday parties for the next two Saturdays. I so do not want to see happy mothers and babies right now-it makes me want to punch something. I was even supposed to cantor the Mother's Day masses this weekend, and I had to switch with someone, because I can't deal with it right now. I'm not a mother, and there's a real possibility that I might never be one, so why have to sit through the priest asking all the mothers to stand for a special blessing? In fact, that was how I was sorta planning to tell people at church, if I had gotten pregnant-by standing for the blessing. Guess that aint' happening this year.......
Unfortunately, my parents 34th wedding anniversary is also this Sunday, which is Mother's Day, so I have to call them for that. But I'm not doing cards this year for anyone-I just can't. I think that I might vomit if I have to write them out.
So, am I an asshole for not going to any of these happy events? I feel slightly guilty, but I am afraid of how I'd react at these parties. I also don't want to deal with anyone's insensitive/ignorant comments and questions about my reproductive life, which inevitably happens at these types of things. I don't want to have a meltdown in public.
I just feel as if I'm walking a fine line with my sanity right now. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Monday, May 02, 2005
The dreaded follow-up
I saw the RE on Friday afternoon about my failed IVF cycle, and we discussed different options.
I ended up having Grade 1 8-celled embryos that were transferred-they were, as far as the lab were concerned, considered perfect. Apparently not perfect enough to implant and actually grow, but that's another story. I asked the RE if having OHSS had anything to do with the failure, and he said no, that people who get OHSS are more likely to get pregnant, which didn't make me feel any better. He was very nice and sensitive about the situation, though. Since I have fairly normal cycles, he suggested having a natural-cycle Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for you acronym nerdies) in July-the "natural-cycle" meaning that I don't have to take any more fertility medications-thank GOD. So in June I get to have a "mock cycle" where they take blood at different points and make sure that my hormone levels are normal enough to be able to do this without taking more fertility drugs. Hopefully my body will cooperate.
I did let the RE know that I hadn't gotten my period yet, which he was concerned about. So concerned, in fact, that he made me go for another blood pregnancy test yesterday (as if the first one wasn't enough). Of course, it was still negative (surprise!) and my progesterone was at 0.5, so they gave me a prescription for Provera to take so I get my period (oh goody!). I have no idea what's going on with my body right now, and it frustrates me to no end.
I just wish that they had more answers for me as to why it didn't work. Of course, realistically, there is no real answer-everything went well, as far as IVF goes. Just as with doing it the old-fashioned way, there's no guarantee that it will work right away.
But I need answers-I crave them. Maybe it would make this whole nightmare easier to accept.
I ended up having Grade 1 8-celled embryos that were transferred-they were, as far as the lab were concerned, considered perfect. Apparently not perfect enough to implant and actually grow, but that's another story. I asked the RE if having OHSS had anything to do with the failure, and he said no, that people who get OHSS are more likely to get pregnant, which didn't make me feel any better. He was very nice and sensitive about the situation, though. Since I have fairly normal cycles, he suggested having a natural-cycle Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for you acronym nerdies) in July-the "natural-cycle" meaning that I don't have to take any more fertility medications-thank GOD. So in June I get to have a "mock cycle" where they take blood at different points and make sure that my hormone levels are normal enough to be able to do this without taking more fertility drugs. Hopefully my body will cooperate.
I did let the RE know that I hadn't gotten my period yet, which he was concerned about. So concerned, in fact, that he made me go for another blood pregnancy test yesterday (as if the first one wasn't enough). Of course, it was still negative (surprise!) and my progesterone was at 0.5, so they gave me a prescription for Provera to take so I get my period (oh goody!). I have no idea what's going on with my body right now, and it frustrates me to no end.
I just wish that they had more answers for me as to why it didn't work. Of course, realistically, there is no real answer-everything went well, as far as IVF goes. Just as with doing it the old-fashioned way, there's no guarantee that it will work right away.
But I need answers-I crave them. Maybe it would make this whole nightmare easier to accept.
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