Well, my friends, it's that time. Again. D-day is just about here. In about 15 hours I'll be assuming the position and will hopefully have a couple of good embryos transferred.
As of today, lining is at 9mm-good enough. I was kind of wishing that it would be at 10 by now, but hey-9 is good. The RE seems happy with it, so I guess I should be too.
I had my PIO shot tonight-had to go to M's house, as she wasn't feeling too well. Although I did have to venture out in the crappiest weather ever, there was a benefit-I've now got a shiny new Batman adhesive firmly attached to my right ass-cheek (courtesy of J, who wanted to "help"). Shit, if I didn't have to shower tomorrow, I'd leave it on to make the nurses laugh. Should've got an extra one......
I've got my big-ass bottle of water at the ready, a reminder to not wear any fragrances (ewww.....) and the poonanny will be checked for neatness in honor of the RE's arrival with the Catheter of Hopes and Dreams.
Thanks for the well-wishes (and D2 fans-YAH!)-really, they mean a lot to me right now. More than I could ever express with the paltry written word. I'm having a hard time right now-I'm going back and forth between "I really think this will work this time" to "Oh, boy-you're SO fucked". I'm trying not to jinx myself, but.........well, you all know what it's like to let that crooked auld sow called Hope in. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. Or expect too much-I always get the shaft on that one (and it's not the "shaft" that we all want, unfortunately).
I'll be back tomorrow to update afterwards with all the juicy details. You're all the best, truly-I wouldn't know where I'd be without you all out there in Bloglandia.
Let the Two Week Wait Begin........
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
(Waiting For The) Nightboat....
The call came. You know.............the CALL.
August 30th, 1:30pm-be at outpatient clinic with a big-ass bottle of water.
Transfer will be at 2:30pm. No word on the embryos yet-we won't hear anything until Wednesday afternoon, which scares the shit out of me, but since it's nothing I can control I refuse to dwell too long over it.
I go for a pre-transfer wanding and bloodletting tomorrow morning, and then.......I wait.
Ergh........
If you could name the artist of the above song title, you're my NBF (New Best Friend).....
August 30th, 1:30pm-be at outpatient clinic with a big-ass bottle of water.
Transfer will be at 2:30pm. No word on the embryos yet-we won't hear anything until Wednesday afternoon, which scares the shit out of me, but since it's nothing I can control I refuse to dwell too long over it.
I go for a pre-transfer wanding and bloodletting tomorrow morning, and then.......I wait.
Ergh........
If you could name the artist of the above song title, you're my NBF (New Best Friend).....
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Cravings.......Nothing More Than Cravings......
I've been having some food issues lately. I go back and forth between not being that hungry to being ravenous-like I'll rip your arm off if I don't get food, STAT.
That, and the.......uh.....digestive issues that are cropping up. Don't want to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities, but suffice it to say that most times, after I eat, the need to use the bathroom overrides any other activity. Which sucks when you're in public. Need I say more?
I know that it's the Estrace talking. I checked with Dr. Google, and it's all part of the side effects. But, I'm trying to eat healthy foods, and smaller meals more times during the day (even when I'm not hungry, which isn't the best feeling), so I don't get that feeling. I'm also really REALLY trying to not pay attention to the cravings, or otherwise I'd become a house.
Of course, I should have been paying more attention last night when I asked Sean to go out and get me a Reese's ice cream sundae from Friendly's. Complete with peanut-butter and fudge sauce, whipped cream and cherry. And when I finished the whole thing. Oh, did I mention that I'm lactose-intolerant, and didn't take anything beforehand? Yeah. You can probably envision the rest of THAT scenario.
Just wait until we add PIO to the cocktail-that's when the REAL fun begins.
Sean says that it's good practice for him when (oh, he's so positive!) I'm the P-word. And, he's been a trooper, I'll give him that.
Let's hope that he'll have lots of time for practicing. About 9 months of it.
That, and the.......uh.....digestive issues that are cropping up. Don't want to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities, but suffice it to say that most times, after I eat, the need to use the bathroom overrides any other activity. Which sucks when you're in public. Need I say more?
I know that it's the Estrace talking. I checked with Dr. Google, and it's all part of the side effects. But, I'm trying to eat healthy foods, and smaller meals more times during the day (even when I'm not hungry, which isn't the best feeling), so I don't get that feeling. I'm also really REALLY trying to not pay attention to the cravings, or otherwise I'd become a house.
Of course, I should have been paying more attention last night when I asked Sean to go out and get me a Reese's ice cream sundae from Friendly's. Complete with peanut-butter and fudge sauce, whipped cream and cherry. And when I finished the whole thing. Oh, did I mention that I'm lactose-intolerant, and didn't take anything beforehand? Yeah. You can probably envision the rest of THAT scenario.
Just wait until we add PIO to the cocktail-that's when the REAL fun begins.
Sean says that it's good practice for him when (oh, he's so positive!) I'm the P-word. And, he's been a trooper, I'll give him that.
Let's hope that he'll have lots of time for practicing. About 9 months of it.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Seven Days
It reminds me of that movie "The Ring", where they get the phone call and you hear (think scary whisper):
".........seven days........."
and then the phone disconnects.
Seven days until the transfer of some (hopefully) good embryos. I find out in 5 days how many embryos they thawed and the status of them.
I've decided that, at this point, there's nothing that I can do. Things are either going to work, or they're not. And that makes me feel better.
Seven days.
".........seven days........."
and then the phone disconnects.
Seven days until the transfer of some (hopefully) good embryos. I find out in 5 days how many embryos they thawed and the status of them.
I've decided that, at this point, there's nothing that I can do. Things are either going to work, or they're not. And that makes me feel better.
Seven days.
Monday, August 21, 2006
A Sigh of Relief...At Least, A Little One
I spoke with Nurse Blondie this morning over the phone about my FET dates. She reassured me of the following:
1. My lining is at 8mm, which is good for transfer.
2. The reason for the 8/30 transfer date is not because my uterus is a shitstorm or my ovary is playing Hide the Salami, but simply because they wanted to make sure that Dr. Pipsqueak was the one doing the transfer, instead of the RE on call for the week.
3. They don't need to see me this week, so I don't have to go in for monitoring until the 29th.
So I'm breathing a small sigh of relief. Plus, Blondie (I love her, btw!) assured me that, although my lining is good for transfer, another week on the meds will only make it better-she's predicting 10mm by transfer (I should have wagered a bet, but hell.....I'm piss poor right now).
As for school starting-eh. I'm feeling "eh" about everything. I still haven't gotten jack shit from my department head about my schedule or even if I'm posted in the same schools this year. Since we start soon, perhaps that would be nice, huh? It would be helpful to have some notice if I have to move crap from one school to another. But, I refuse to stress about it. I have to be as relaxed as possible those first two weeks of school, no matter what.
I have no choice not to. The alternative is just not acceptable to me.
1. My lining is at 8mm, which is good for transfer.
2. The reason for the 8/30 transfer date is not because my uterus is a shitstorm or my ovary is playing Hide the Salami, but simply because they wanted to make sure that Dr. Pipsqueak was the one doing the transfer, instead of the RE on call for the week.
3. They don't need to see me this week, so I don't have to go in for monitoring until the 29th.
So I'm breathing a small sigh of relief. Plus, Blondie (I love her, btw!) assured me that, although my lining is good for transfer, another week on the meds will only make it better-she's predicting 10mm by transfer (I should have wagered a bet, but hell.....I'm piss poor right now).
As for school starting-eh. I'm feeling "eh" about everything. I still haven't gotten jack shit from my department head about my schedule or even if I'm posted in the same schools this year. Since we start soon, perhaps that would be nice, huh? It would be helpful to have some notice if I have to move crap from one school to another. But, I refuse to stress about it. I have to be as relaxed as possible those first two weeks of school, no matter what.
I have no choice not to. The alternative is just not acceptable to me.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
S and The Incredibly Annoying Perpetual Synthetic Cycle
I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning for monitoring-I was out of the house at 6am, and at the office by 6:30. Needless to say, I am wiped out right now, and not in the best mental state to write this.
When am I ever in the "right" mental state? Yeah, you get the point.
Here are the three reasons I'm not getting a good feeling about the outcome of this FET (although, if I'm wrong I'll gladly eat my words, with a side of sarcasm):
When I got in this morning there was a minor calamity going on. Apparently, the computer system in the department went down, so everything had to be done longhand, which took forever. When thevampire blood-sucking wildebeast from hell lovely phlebotomist took my liquid gold sample
from my arm, she had to move the needle because the flow of blood stopped. Uh....can you say holymotherfuckingshitfuckingwhorethatHURTS! Yeah, I knew ya could....
Then, during my date with the Uterine Lurve Wand, the RE (not Dr. Pipsqueak this time, it's Dr. Cheery) finds a big cyst on the left side of my ovary-a large dark mass. She doesn't seem concerned though, as she feels it's a leftover corpeus luteum cyst from last cycle (she said that the telltale sign is the ragged edges of the cyst). Although why she didn't see that before today is unnerving and freaking me out, but okay, I'll go with it...
So, off I go to work (it's my weekend to sing). Whilst I'm at work, nice nursey (not Blondie) calls, and
Sean takes the message as to what I need to do. Here it is:
*This week, stay on the same dosages (.05 IU Lupron, 2 tabs Estrace 3x daily)
*8/27-Stop Lupron, start PIO injections, Doryx and Medrol (I'm assuming that they'll start thawing too)
*8/28-Wait for phonecall from office as to time of transfer
*8/29-Go in for morning monitoring
*8/30-Transfer day, time TBD
Now, there's nothing said here as to whether or not I need to come in this week for monitoring, which baffles me, so I have to call Nurse Blondie in the morning to see what the deal is.
So, the transfer date is the 30th-I go back to school on September 1st-Yah, let's have the 2ww during the first two weeks of school.......sweet........
The whole point of doing a FET in the summer was so that I could be stress free! What is taking so fucking long? I feel like I've been on the drugs for months now-I've been on the Lupron since August 1st, and the Estrace since the 7th (13 days now)-shouldn't that have been enough?? ARRGH!
I guess that technically I'm on day 13 of this cycle, since I had a "period" (it's really withdrawal bleeding, but hey, let's not get hung up on semantics), so I can't complain that much, but it feels like fucking forever (I started the BCP's back on July 23rd). I'm starting to experience more of the side effects now-I feel more agitated, and less likely to have patience. That should be fun during the first two weeks of school, right? Especially when I teach my 6 kindergarten classes, when they're all freaking out and crying.........yeah, that should be real fun. Can't wait.
With the way I'm feeling right now, I'd rather stick a sharpened #2 pencil in my eye. Or, someone else's. I'm not going to discriminate.
Well, I've got a tentative transfer date-I should be happy, right? Then why do I think I am seriously screwed? I can feel it, creeping up on me, like a fungus. I'm trying to be positive, but it's getting really difficult.
When am I ever in the "right" mental state? Yeah, you get the point.
Here are the three reasons I'm not getting a good feeling about the outcome of this FET (although, if I'm wrong I'll gladly eat my words, with a side of sarcasm):
When I got in this morning there was a minor calamity going on. Apparently, the computer system in the department went down, so everything had to be done longhand, which took forever. When the
from my arm, she had to move the needle because the flow of blood stopped. Uh....can you say holymotherfuckingshitfuckingwhorethatHURTS! Yeah, I knew ya could....
Then, during my date with the Uterine Lurve Wand, the RE (not Dr. Pipsqueak this time, it's Dr. Cheery) finds a big cyst on the left side of my ovary-a large dark mass. She doesn't seem concerned though, as she feels it's a leftover corpeus luteum cyst from last cycle (she said that the telltale sign is the ragged edges of the cyst). Although why she didn't see that before today is unnerving and freaking me out, but okay, I'll go with it...
So, off I go to work (it's my weekend to sing). Whilst I'm at work, nice nursey (not Blondie) calls, and
Sean takes the message as to what I need to do. Here it is:
*This week, stay on the same dosages (.05 IU Lupron, 2 tabs Estrace 3x daily)
*8/27-Stop Lupron, start PIO injections, Doryx and Medrol (I'm assuming that they'll start thawing too)
*8/28-Wait for phonecall from office as to time of transfer
*8/29-Go in for morning monitoring
*8/30-Transfer day, time TBD
Now, there's nothing said here as to whether or not I need to come in this week for monitoring, which baffles me, so I have to call Nurse Blondie in the morning to see what the deal is.
So, the transfer date is the 30th-I go back to school on September 1st-Yah, let's have the 2ww during the first two weeks of school.......sweet........
The whole point of doing a FET in the summer was so that I could be stress free! What is taking so fucking long? I feel like I've been on the drugs for months now-I've been on the Lupron since August 1st, and the Estrace since the 7th (13 days now)-shouldn't that have been enough?? ARRGH!
I guess that technically I'm on day 13 of this cycle, since I had a "period" (it's really withdrawal bleeding, but hey, let's not get hung up on semantics), so I can't complain that much, but it feels like fucking forever (I started the BCP's back on July 23rd). I'm starting to experience more of the side effects now-I feel more agitated, and less likely to have patience. That should be fun during the first two weeks of school, right? Especially when I teach my 6 kindergarten classes, when they're all freaking out and crying.........yeah, that should be real fun. Can't wait.
With the way I'm feeling right now, I'd rather stick a sharpened #2 pencil in my eye. Or, someone else's. I'm not going to discriminate.
Well, I've got a tentative transfer date-I should be happy, right? Then why do I think I am seriously screwed? I can feel it, creeping up on me, like a fungus. I'm trying to be positive, but it's getting really difficult.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Nesting, In More Ways Than One
Lining check, as of yesterday-7mm. Estrace dose upped from 2 pills twice daily to two pills three times daily. I go back in on Sunday morning for another date with the Wand.
They're tentatively telling me that the transfer will be sometime next week, but I'll have more info on Sunday as to an exact date.
As for side effects, they're not too bad. Sometimes I feel a little queasy or dizzy-more so in the past day or so, since the dose is upped-and I'm bloated and tired. No wacky mood swings though, which is a treat. Oh, yeah, and I'm breaking out like a fifteen-year old, which is always a joy. Remind me to take out my leg-warmers and stirrup stretch-pants so I can truly look the part.
It's one of the reasons that I'm looking forward to the progesterone. It makes my skin and hair look FAB. Sounds sick, doesn't it? Looking forward to getting my ass jabbed with a two inch needle so I can have nice skin and hair. I call it a fringe benefit, thankyouverymuch.
So, Dr. G seems pleased with the progress. I've never done a medicated FET before, and my last FET they didn't really go into detail about lining-they were more preoccupied with whether or not I ovulated, so I'm not sure that if the lining is good for being on Estrace for nine days (now ten). We'll find out soon enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I've got two weeks reprieve until the prepping for school starts. I'll have to go back and set everything up, get class listings, open supplies, blah blah blah. Although, this year will be interesting, since I'll be doing this post-transfer, and can't lift anything heavy. So, it will be a little limiting-depending on my schedule (which I still don't have yet), I'll have to set up one school more than the other, since I travel and am never in the same place. Yuck.
I was hoping, when we started this FET, that I'd be already post-beta by the time school began, but it is quickly becoming a pipe dream-in fact, beta day looks to be around the first week of school. I didn't want to have to be traveling back and forth to the clinic those first few weeks, since it will be hectic (especially because I'll have a new principal-again-in one of my postings), but since I can't control it, I won't worry too much about it. There's nothing I can do to change it.
I am sort-of ready to go back. Not ready for the stress, the nasty kids, the teachers that treat me like crap or the lack of administrative support-I'm never ready for that. But, I've made an educational resolution to really try and not let those things fill my brain and make me mental. Teaching can be stressful enough, and, should this FET work, I want to be as zen as possible.
Also, the odd thought of "perhaps I won't be there for the entire year" helps with that resolution. Which I push out of my head as soon as it flies in there. Don't want to hope, just yet-it's too early for that.
They're tentatively telling me that the transfer will be sometime next week, but I'll have more info on Sunday as to an exact date.
As for side effects, they're not too bad. Sometimes I feel a little queasy or dizzy-more so in the past day or so, since the dose is upped-and I'm bloated and tired. No wacky mood swings though, which is a treat. Oh, yeah, and I'm breaking out like a fifteen-year old, which is always a joy. Remind me to take out my leg-warmers and stirrup stretch-pants so I can truly look the part.
It's one of the reasons that I'm looking forward to the progesterone. It makes my skin and hair look FAB. Sounds sick, doesn't it? Looking forward to getting my ass jabbed with a two inch needle so I can have nice skin and hair. I call it a fringe benefit, thankyouverymuch.
So, Dr. G seems pleased with the progress. I've never done a medicated FET before, and my last FET they didn't really go into detail about lining-they were more preoccupied with whether or not I ovulated, so I'm not sure that if the lining is good for being on Estrace for nine days (now ten). We'll find out soon enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I've got two weeks reprieve until the prepping for school starts. I'll have to go back and set everything up, get class listings, open supplies, blah blah blah. Although, this year will be interesting, since I'll be doing this post-transfer, and can't lift anything heavy. So, it will be a little limiting-depending on my schedule (which I still don't have yet), I'll have to set up one school more than the other, since I travel and am never in the same place. Yuck.
I was hoping, when we started this FET, that I'd be already post-beta by the time school began, but it is quickly becoming a pipe dream-in fact, beta day looks to be around the first week of school. I didn't want to have to be traveling back and forth to the clinic those first few weeks, since it will be hectic (especially because I'll have a new principal-again-in one of my postings), but since I can't control it, I won't worry too much about it. There's nothing I can do to change it.
I am sort-of ready to go back. Not ready for the stress, the nasty kids, the teachers that treat me like crap or the lack of administrative support-I'm never ready for that. But, I've made an educational resolution to really try and not let those things fill my brain and make me mental. Teaching can be stressful enough, and, should this FET work, I want to be as zen as possible.
Also, the odd thought of "perhaps I won't be there for the entire year" helps with that resolution. Which I push out of my head as soon as it flies in there. Don't want to hope, just yet-it's too early for that.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Busy Busy Beaver
Yes, I'm still alive. We were busy this weekend-my parents moved to the Jersey Shore and Sean and I went to help with the unpacking. I do have to say that it was nice to sleep at home last night!
I had a monitoring appointment on Friday, before I left for the Shore. Dr. G did the wanding and found that my lining was a little thin, and there was fluid in my uterus-wtf? So she asked me if I had any bleeding, and I said I did, but it stopped two days before. Turns out that there was a blood clot in there that was keeping everything else from voiding, and she had to get a speculum and catheter suck the fluid out-yummy! But, she did up my dose of Estrace, so that's what is important, right?
I'm starting to feel a bit more of the side effects of the Estrace-bloating, a little dizziness and some queasiness-that I'm sure that will increase when the dose is upped again. I just feel like a fat mess right now, like everything is spreading out. I'm not even really hungry, either. I go back tomorrow again, so hopefully we'll find out if there's a projected transfer date.
Grow lining, grow! Momma needs to transfer some totsicles in there!!!
I had a monitoring appointment on Friday, before I left for the Shore. Dr. G did the wanding and found that my lining was a little thin, and there was fluid in my uterus-wtf? So she asked me if I had any bleeding, and I said I did, but it stopped two days before. Turns out that there was a blood clot in there that was keeping everything else from voiding, and she had to get a speculum and catheter suck the fluid out-yummy! But, she did up my dose of Estrace, so that's what is important, right?
I'm starting to feel a bit more of the side effects of the Estrace-bloating, a little dizziness and some queasiness-that I'm sure that will increase when the dose is upped again. I just feel like a fat mess right now, like everything is spreading out. I'm not even really hungry, either. I go back tomorrow again, so hopefully we'll find out if there's a projected transfer date.
Grow lining, grow! Momma needs to transfer some totsicles in there!!!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Why I Know That My Husband Is Messed Up In The Head
Here we are, on a Monday evening, channel-surfing, and come across a rerun of "Supernanny"-you know, the usual array of scary, undisciplined children and harrassed parents begging for someone to teach them how to handle their "unruly" children.
This week's episode is a single-mother with 5 kids-a girl and two sets of twin boys......all demon spawn. I actually feel bad for this woman. She's divorced, apparently raising these kids all by herself, and she's also going back to school to get her teaching certificate. She's also totally overwhelmed and her kids are all acting out, physically and emotionally.
So, Supernanny puts out the classic time-out area, complete with cushions, for children who don't abide by the house rules, and creatively calls it the "Thinking Pond"; so as to have the children ponder their actions and be able to cool off.
My lovely Sean, watching the debacle unfold where the mother, on her "own" (with Supernanny watching on closed-circuit TV) with her kids, is wrestling her hissing, spitting spawn onto the
cushions after they try beating the crap out her, says this Pearl of Wisdom:
"You know, if they were my kids, I wouldn't call it the 'Thinking Pond'.......I'd get a beat-up old refrigerator box, open it up, put it in the corner with a stool in it and call it the 'Shitty Shack'".
This, friends, is the man I want to raise children with. And yes-I still want to, despite the.....uh...."creative parenting ideas". Go figure.
I must be nuts.
This week's episode is a single-mother with 5 kids-a girl and two sets of twin boys......all demon spawn. I actually feel bad for this woman. She's divorced, apparently raising these kids all by herself, and she's also going back to school to get her teaching certificate. She's also totally overwhelmed and her kids are all acting out, physically and emotionally.
So, Supernanny puts out the classic time-out area, complete with cushions, for children who don't abide by the house rules, and creatively calls it the "Thinking Pond"; so as to have the children ponder their actions and be able to cool off.
My lovely Sean, watching the debacle unfold where the mother, on her "own" (with Supernanny watching on closed-circuit TV) with her kids, is wrestling her hissing, spitting spawn onto the
cushions after they try beating the crap out her, says this Pearl of Wisdom:
"You know, if they were my kids, I wouldn't call it the 'Thinking Pond'.......I'd get a beat-up old refrigerator box, open it up, put it in the corner with a stool in it and call it the 'Shitty Shack'".
This, friends, is the man I want to raise children with. And yes-I still want to, despite the.....uh...."creative parenting ideas". Go figure.
I must be nuts.
Props, and Hooray for Estrace!
I have officially been "cleared". I took my first Estrace tablet about two hours ago, with another one scheduled for later tonight. I'm on my way, people. And about bloody time, too.
As for my last post/webslap-that was WAY overdue, in my opinion. That was for every person who gave me retarted assvice, for every Fertile who didn't even try to understand. It was four years in the making, and, although it sucks to have to do it, it was necessary and cleansing, emotionally. So, I'm not sorry that I did it. It was done for all of us, really. It was the proverbial letting off of steam, in print form. And I feel a hell of a lot more centered and emotionally grounded now.
But, words cannot express how much you guys fuckin' ROCK out there in Bloglandia. I meant what I said-I AM proud to be a Barren Bitch and to be a part of this community. That's not to say that we all wish that we never had to be in our collective situations, or that we don't want to be "different" from other women; but, no matter how we ultimately have our children (or whether we have them at all), it is infertility that is a part of our being-like it, or not.
I've found more support here than within my own family and circle of friends. And it's a community of people that I've never physically met (with the exception of a few of you). It's just amazing how something like infertility (or any issue, really) can cause you to bond with women around the world, withough ever setting foot in front of each other. Just amazing.
Thank you, all of you-it's nice to know that you've got my back. And, know that I'll always have yours, no matter what.
As for my last post/webslap-that was WAY overdue, in my opinion. That was for every person who gave me retarted assvice, for every Fertile who didn't even try to understand. It was four years in the making, and, although it sucks to have to do it, it was necessary and cleansing, emotionally. So, I'm not sorry that I did it. It was done for all of us, really. It was the proverbial letting off of steam, in print form. And I feel a hell of a lot more centered and emotionally grounded now.
But, words cannot express how much you guys fuckin' ROCK out there in Bloglandia. I meant what I said-I AM proud to be a Barren Bitch and to be a part of this community. That's not to say that we all wish that we never had to be in our collective situations, or that we don't want to be "different" from other women; but, no matter how we ultimately have our children (or whether we have them at all), it is infertility that is a part of our being-like it, or not.
I've found more support here than within my own family and circle of friends. And it's a community of people that I've never physically met (with the exception of a few of you). It's just amazing how something like infertility (or any issue, really) can cause you to bond with women around the world, withough ever setting foot in front of each other. Just amazing.
Thank you, all of you-it's nice to know that you've got my back. And, know that I'll always have yours, no matter what.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Webslapping the Ignorant
I swore to myself that I wasn't going to write about this.
That it wasn't worth it.
That perhaps I was going to be the better person and just ignore it.
Well.........I don't really think so. Not anymore.
Now, as some of you are well aware, I had posted on Monday about my friend M and the saga that continues about her (the post is directly below this one). And, as is my usual way, wrote candidly about how she (and other women who never went through infertility) didn't get it when it came to what I'm going through. Which has been a common theme lately with her (and I've blogged about before). And, I received a comment (the first comment, actually) from a woman named L, who posted the following:
S
Babies are like buses when you dont expect them they suddenly come along.
Being around babies wont jinx you but being overly desperate to have one will. Relax and let it happen.If its meant to, it will.
I don't really think I need to elaborate on this, right? You can probably see where this is going.
So, I (very tactfully, I thought) crafted a reply to her that I felt was not mean or nasty (although I could have easily been, but I refrained from doing so-what's the point?), posted it on both her blog and in my comments, and left it at that.
Of course, it's never that simple, is it?
I'm sure, if you click the link to her blog, you'll see her "reply" to Monday's comment and her post from today. Now, as I said, I was going to leave it alone, because it's really not worth it. But, hell hath no fury than a woman on Lupron, and I'm not about to let someone get me down. I'm from New Jersey, dammit-land of "The Sopranos"-and you don't fuck with an Italian-American Jersey Girl. Ever.
*Sigh* Now I've got to open a big 'ol can of Whoop-Ass on her and webslap her. And it's not going to be pretty. She asked for it, however.
So, L-get a clue. Really. I tried to be nice about it. I tried to be tactful. Hell, I've even tried to be helpful by guiding you to resources that would help you understand infertility. Here was your response to that (on your blog):
Dear S
I am sorry if you think I was "blase" and offended
you.I was only trying to be realistically supportive rather than
blandly supportive. I was told I couldn't have children and was lucky
enough to fall pregnant and have two children by my partner by
"mistake".Thsi only happened when I finally "relaxed" and actually ate
properly!
But I do understand, my mum went 10 years before
falling with me and my friend is infertile due to v.bad P.O.S. Another
friend just finally fell pregnant after 3 rounds of IVF and she is
expecting twins.
I was not being narrow minded I was just trying
to be realistic. It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
children.
I hope very much you get the children you desperately
want.They will just be glad you are their mother and not be bothered
that they were not "naturally" conceived.
First of all, never once did I say you were "blase". I did say that your comments were ignorant, but it perplexes me as to why you keep quotating the word "blase". But, I won't get hooked up on semantics right now. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?
I think that it's great that you were able to conceive and give birth to two children ("by mistake") even though you were told otherwise, and only after you "relaxed and actually ate properly". Really. I'm glad that it "worked" for you. And, did you go to an infertility specialist to find that treatment? Did you go through ANY infertility testing at all for a medical professional with a subspeciality in reproductive endocrinology to diagnose you as infertile? Or was it just something a general GYN might have mentioned in passing, during an exam?
And, how can you "understand" just because it took your mother 10 years to have you? Do you, perhaps in some pre-conception cognitive moment, happen to psychically connect to your mother and happen to remember her experience? You mention that you have two friends who have experienced infertility-did you make the same type of insensitive comments to them? If you did (which for some reason, I wouldn't doubt), then you are a truly rude and ignorant person, hands down.
Being "realistic" isn't a reason to make stereotypical, opinionated and unsubstantiated comments to people you obviously cannot relate to. Your comments were rude and uncalled for, not "realistic". Believe me, I've had enough realism to last me a lifetime. I don't need someone who has NO idea what I've been through (although you claim you do; however I've never had a woman who is infertile and now has children say that to me, which makes me doubt your claim). Your comments, to an infertile, are just as offending as calling a gay man a "fag" or someone who is Jewish a "kike". Perhaps you think that I'm overreacting, but I guarantee that if you took a poll about whether or not your initial comments could be viewed as offensive, you'd see how many people would agree.
Perhaps, if you actually READ my posts (instead of skimming through them to get a general idea and to search things you perceive as unpleasant), you would see that Monday's post follows a long issue I have with a friend of mine, who, while not as obviously crass as yourself, doesn't get it, even though she has witnessed my whole journey. A person who seems like Mahatma Gandhi compared to you, might I add.
I am sorry that you feel that I was attacking women with children; however, I don't know how your quote "It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
children." came out of my post. I never said that mothers were "annoying" or "gooey" over children. I don't "look down" on mothers-that's absurd. I did say that I find it difficult when mothers who have NO CLUE OR EMPATHY expect you to gaggle over their children, knowing that you've just finished your umpteenth IVF cycle and have had another cancellation/failure/miscarriage, YET THINK THAT YOU SHOULD JUST SHAKE IT OFF AND MOVE ON. That it's so easy, if you just "relaxed" and didn't think about it. And, for the record, I don't dislike children, not in the least. If I did, why would I be going through this, and why would I have decided to leave my cushy corporate job to educate young children? I do, however, dislike people who are self-absorbed and make everything about themselves, which you obviously do.
Tell me, have you gone through IVF? Given yourself needles in your abdomen up to four times a day, fill yourself with drugs that fuck with your body, and then have to go and get blood drawn and ultrasounds daily? Go through incredibly painful surgical procedures to retrieve eggs, and not be able to take ANYTHING, except for OTC Tylenol? Ever gain 20 pounds of fluid in three days, where it's pressing against your lungs and impeding your breathing, and you can't walk or sit up straight or even lie down without being strangled by the fluid, and then have to have a needle put in your abdomen to drain the fluid out, or else your kidneys will shut down and you could die? Ever miscarried? Go through the pain, physical and emotional, knowing your body is rejecting the one thing you want most? Waiting for days for your body to expell a child, and wondering when it will be, would it hurt, what will I see when it happens? Ever watch your husband cry with joy when you tell him he's going to be a father, then see him weep when he finds out that the baby died?
I doubt it, considering your comments. You wouldn't have made them if you went through it.
I'm one of the lucky ones, when it comes to infertility. There are those of us who have gone through so much more pain-late-term losses where they had to give birth to babies that were already dead, genetic issues, recurrent miscarriages with no idea why. I've had a walk in the park, comparatively speaking. But, that doesn't make my journey any less significant, which any of them would tell you.
And, why would I think that my children would be "bothered" as to how they are conceived? You're making no sense, unless I assume that you're responding about how I said that, unfortunately, we won't have any cutesy stories about getting knocked up the old-fashioned way. I wouldn't even "bother" a child as to how they were made. If they were older and they asked, I would explain it to them, saying that it was even more special, because they were truly wanted and that we did everything humanly possible to get them there, and that makes them a special blessing.
You have no right to get defensive because I was offended by your "phrasing". Perhaps you need to need to figure out exactly what you want to write before you get diarrhea of the mouth. Perhaps you need to be fully educated about what you're commenting about. I'd never dream saying "well, just don't make yourself throw up" or "just eat" to you, since you say you have an eating disorder, because that's a rude and ignorant comment, not a "realistic" one. A good example of a "realistic" comment might be "sorry you're having a hard time-I hope you can work through it". Oh, yeah, it's also empathetic. Just another hint, there.
Don't get pissy because you weren't understood, or that I didn't agree with you. It's your own fault. Don't think you can troll my blog, give me lame assvice, and not expect retribution. Because, as you can see, you're not the only one that reads my blog. And I can't be responsible for what happens after that. This is a public domain-you have the right to make your comments, just as I have a right to show you that what you said was shitty and uncalled for. And you have no right to be pissed off for that-it's your own damn fault.
And yes, I said "trolled". Because that's what you are-a Troll. Going from blog to blog and leaving your assvice across the blogosphere. Because I'm not the only one you did this to-you trolled another person's blog and blasted a commenter for something YOU didn't agree with . Oh, poor us-we disagreed with your concept of how the world should be. So sorry, thought I was allowed to, considering it IS my blog. And I have just as much of a right to defend what I've written, considering that it's MY reality and what I go through every day.
I'm not denying or confirming that you've been through hard times and they're a part of your "tapestry", but, as far as I'm concerned, infertility ain't one of them, sister. Maybe if you went into detail as to those horrific things that happened, I might not be so "aggressively pissed off". Perhaps you need to fix what's wrong with YOUR life (a man who claims that he "doesn't love you", that you have two children with? Being so "bored" while on maternity leave that you're a shopaholic and making your partner pay double the mortgage?) before you start feeling the need to fix what's lacking in mine. I'd rather pay a professional $150 an hour to do that than have you do it-at least a therapist doesn't try to make you feel like shit in the process.
Oh, and by the way, your last comment? "Those who take crap so terribly seriously can be weighed down by it and let it rule them, I dont."? Honey, I don't let my infertility "rule" me. I'm not "weighted down by it". I take it seriously because it's a DISEASE, you fuckwit. A DISEASE that, if untreated, will lead me to be CHILDLESS. Why wouldn't I take that seriously? Wouldn't you? Or are you so laid back that nothing bothers you? Or is that a defensive mechanism? You obviously don't let ANYTHING rule you, tact and common courtesy included.
Incidentally, that last line is also gramatically incorrect. A fractured
sentence, to be precise-just remember: Subject + Verb = Complete
Thought. Which yours obviously was not-it was neither complete, nor
though-out. Make that your homework, before you troll someone else's blog.
Just stay off of my blog. I don't need your assvice and shitty attitude-I am proud to be a Barren Bitch, part of a community that is strong, supportive and welcoming. I don't need your ignorance and your judgemental attitude. And I certainly don't need the stress right now.
And, if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.
Good luck with therapy, sweetie-it's obvious you desperately need it.
That it wasn't worth it.
That perhaps I was going to be the better person and just ignore it.
Well.........I don't really think so. Not anymore.
Now, as some of you are well aware, I had posted on Monday about my friend M and the saga that continues about her (the post is directly below this one). And, as is my usual way, wrote candidly about how she (and other women who never went through infertility) didn't get it when it came to what I'm going through. Which has been a common theme lately with her (and I've blogged about before). And, I received a comment (the first comment, actually) from a woman named L, who posted the following:
S
Babies are like buses when you dont expect them they suddenly come along.
Being around babies wont jinx you but being overly desperate to have one will. Relax and let it happen.If its meant to, it will.
I don't really think I need to elaborate on this, right? You can probably see where this is going.
So, I (very tactfully, I thought) crafted a reply to her that I felt was not mean or nasty (although I could have easily been, but I refrained from doing so-what's the point?), posted it on both her blog and in my comments, and left it at that.
Of course, it's never that simple, is it?
I'm sure, if you click the link to her blog, you'll see her "reply" to Monday's comment and her post from today. Now, as I said, I was going to leave it alone, because it's really not worth it. But, hell hath no fury than a woman on Lupron, and I'm not about to let someone get me down. I'm from New Jersey, dammit-land of "The Sopranos"-and you don't fuck with an Italian-American Jersey Girl. Ever.
*Sigh* Now I've got to open a big 'ol can of Whoop-Ass on her and webslap her. And it's not going to be pretty. She asked for it, however.
So, L-get a clue. Really. I tried to be nice about it. I tried to be tactful. Hell, I've even tried to be helpful by guiding you to resources that would help you understand infertility. Here was your response to that (on your blog):
Dear S
I am sorry if you think I was "blase" and offended
you.I was only trying to be realistically supportive rather than
blandly supportive. I was told I couldn't have children and was lucky
enough to fall pregnant and have two children by my partner by
"mistake".Thsi only happened when I finally "relaxed" and actually ate
properly!
But I do understand, my mum went 10 years before
falling with me and my friend is infertile due to v.bad P.O.S. Another
friend just finally fell pregnant after 3 rounds of IVF and she is
expecting twins.
I was not being narrow minded I was just trying
to be realistic. It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
children.
I hope very much you get the children you desperately
want.They will just be glad you are their mother and not be bothered
that they were not "naturally" conceived.
First of all, never once did I say you were "blase". I did say that your comments were ignorant, but it perplexes me as to why you keep quotating the word "blase". But, I won't get hooked up on semantics right now. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?
I think that it's great that you were able to conceive and give birth to two children ("by mistake") even though you were told otherwise, and only after you "relaxed and actually ate properly". Really. I'm glad that it "worked" for you. And, did you go to an infertility specialist to find that treatment? Did you go through ANY infertility testing at all for a medical professional with a subspeciality in reproductive endocrinology to diagnose you as infertile? Or was it just something a general GYN might have mentioned in passing, during an exam?
And, how can you "understand" just because it took your mother 10 years to have you? Do you, perhaps in some pre-conception cognitive moment, happen to psychically connect to your mother and happen to remember her experience? You mention that you have two friends who have experienced infertility-did you make the same type of insensitive comments to them? If you did (which for some reason, I wouldn't doubt), then you are a truly rude and ignorant person, hands down.
Being "realistic" isn't a reason to make stereotypical, opinionated and unsubstantiated comments to people you obviously cannot relate to. Your comments were rude and uncalled for, not "realistic". Believe me, I've had enough realism to last me a lifetime. I don't need someone who has NO idea what I've been through (although you claim you do; however I've never had a woman who is infertile and now has children say that to me, which makes me doubt your claim). Your comments, to an infertile, are just as offending as calling a gay man a "fag" or someone who is Jewish a "kike". Perhaps you think that I'm overreacting, but I guarantee that if you took a poll about whether or not your initial comments could be viewed as offensive, you'd see how many people would agree.
Perhaps, if you actually READ my posts (instead of skimming through them to get a general idea and to search things you perceive as unpleasant), you would see that Monday's post follows a long issue I have with a friend of mine, who, while not as obviously crass as yourself, doesn't get it, even though she has witnessed my whole journey. A person who seems like Mahatma Gandhi compared to you, might I add.
I am sorry that you feel that I was attacking women with children; however, I don't know how your quote "It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
children." came out of my post. I never said that mothers were "annoying" or "gooey" over children. I don't "look down" on mothers-that's absurd. I did say that I find it difficult when mothers who have NO CLUE OR EMPATHY expect you to gaggle over their children, knowing that you've just finished your umpteenth IVF cycle and have had another cancellation/failure/miscarriage, YET THINK THAT YOU SHOULD JUST SHAKE IT OFF AND MOVE ON. That it's so easy, if you just "relaxed" and didn't think about it. And, for the record, I don't dislike children, not in the least. If I did, why would I be going through this, and why would I have decided to leave my cushy corporate job to educate young children? I do, however, dislike people who are self-absorbed and make everything about themselves, which you obviously do.
Tell me, have you gone through IVF? Given yourself needles in your abdomen up to four times a day, fill yourself with drugs that fuck with your body, and then have to go and get blood drawn and ultrasounds daily? Go through incredibly painful surgical procedures to retrieve eggs, and not be able to take ANYTHING, except for OTC Tylenol? Ever gain 20 pounds of fluid in three days, where it's pressing against your lungs and impeding your breathing, and you can't walk or sit up straight or even lie down without being strangled by the fluid, and then have to have a needle put in your abdomen to drain the fluid out, or else your kidneys will shut down and you could die? Ever miscarried? Go through the pain, physical and emotional, knowing your body is rejecting the one thing you want most? Waiting for days for your body to expell a child, and wondering when it will be, would it hurt, what will I see when it happens? Ever watch your husband cry with joy when you tell him he's going to be a father, then see him weep when he finds out that the baby died?
I doubt it, considering your comments. You wouldn't have made them if you went through it.
I'm one of the lucky ones, when it comes to infertility. There are those of us who have gone through so much more pain-late-term losses where they had to give birth to babies that were already dead, genetic issues, recurrent miscarriages with no idea why. I've had a walk in the park, comparatively speaking. But, that doesn't make my journey any less significant, which any of them would tell you.
And, why would I think that my children would be "bothered" as to how they are conceived? You're making no sense, unless I assume that you're responding about how I said that, unfortunately, we won't have any cutesy stories about getting knocked up the old-fashioned way. I wouldn't even "bother" a child as to how they were made. If they were older and they asked, I would explain it to them, saying that it was even more special, because they were truly wanted and that we did everything humanly possible to get them there, and that makes them a special blessing.
You have no right to get defensive because I was offended by your "phrasing". Perhaps you need to need to figure out exactly what you want to write before you get diarrhea of the mouth. Perhaps you need to be fully educated about what you're commenting about. I'd never dream saying "well, just don't make yourself throw up" or "just eat" to you, since you say you have an eating disorder, because that's a rude and ignorant comment, not a "realistic" one. A good example of a "realistic" comment might be "sorry you're having a hard time-I hope you can work through it". Oh, yeah, it's also empathetic. Just another hint, there.
Don't get pissy because you weren't understood, or that I didn't agree with you. It's your own fault. Don't think you can troll my blog, give me lame assvice, and not expect retribution. Because, as you can see, you're not the only one that reads my blog. And I can't be responsible for what happens after that. This is a public domain-you have the right to make your comments, just as I have a right to show you that what you said was shitty and uncalled for. And you have no right to be pissed off for that-it's your own damn fault.
And yes, I said "trolled". Because that's what you are-a Troll. Going from blog to blog and leaving your assvice across the blogosphere. Because I'm not the only one you did this to-you trolled another person's blog and blasted a commenter for something YOU didn't agree with . Oh, poor us-we disagreed with your concept of how the world should be. So sorry, thought I was allowed to, considering it IS my blog. And I have just as much of a right to defend what I've written, considering that it's MY reality and what I go through every day.
I'm not denying or confirming that you've been through hard times and they're a part of your "tapestry", but, as far as I'm concerned, infertility ain't one of them, sister. Maybe if you went into detail as to those horrific things that happened, I might not be so "aggressively pissed off". Perhaps you need to fix what's wrong with YOUR life (a man who claims that he "doesn't love you", that you have two children with? Being so "bored" while on maternity leave that you're a shopaholic and making your partner pay double the mortgage?) before you start feeling the need to fix what's lacking in mine. I'd rather pay a professional $150 an hour to do that than have you do it-at least a therapist doesn't try to make you feel like shit in the process.
Oh, and by the way, your last comment? "Those who take crap so terribly seriously can be weighed down by it and let it rule them, I dont."? Honey, I don't let my infertility "rule" me. I'm not "weighted down by it". I take it seriously because it's a DISEASE, you fuckwit. A DISEASE that, if untreated, will lead me to be CHILDLESS. Why wouldn't I take that seriously? Wouldn't you? Or are you so laid back that nothing bothers you? Or is that a defensive mechanism? You obviously don't let ANYTHING rule you, tact and common courtesy included.
Incidentally, that last line is also gramatically incorrect. A fractured
sentence, to be precise-just remember: Subject + Verb = Complete
Thought. Which yours obviously was not-it was neither complete, nor
though-out. Make that your homework, before you troll someone else's blog.
Just stay off of my blog. I don't need your assvice and shitty attitude-I am proud to be a Barren Bitch, part of a community that is strong, supportive and welcoming. I don't need your ignorance and your judgemental attitude. And I certainly don't need the stress right now.
And, if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.
Good luck with therapy, sweetie-it's obvious you desperately need it.
Monday, July 31, 2006
The Third Wheel in the "Mommy Club"
Tomorrow's the big day-I get to start Lupron. Whoot! But, that also means only a few more days on the Pill, which will be a relief. I haven't been sleeping well since I started them-SERIOUS insomnia. I'm exhausted, but can't fall asleep before 2am, then will wake up at 3am, then toss and turn the rest of the night. It just sucks, but there's not much I can do-I even tried to drink a lot of booze, but even that didn't work. So, like I said, only a few more days....
Let's see, there's nothing else that's extremely interesting going on here (at least, not yet). I had lunch with my friend CeCe Friday (the one from church who has 5 kids), which was nice. We went out yesterday to just drive around, had a yummy dinner, and had some nice "alone" time. Just a typical weekend.
I talked to M today-it turns out that the gyno found out that she has the MTHFR mutation (she's not sure if it's heterozygous or homozygous), and the gyno told her that it's put her into menopause because it's a "clotting disorder", and now has to see a hematologist. Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about MTHFR, but for some reason I didn't think that it was a clotting disorder on its own, but when it is combined with other factors (for some reason I thought I was told this by a friend of mine who has the mutation). Of course, when I did verbalize that, she got snippy and said that everything SHE read on the internet (dear old Dr. Google) and asked of her doctor friend (a recent resident grad) said it was, and the gyno said it was........so I just let her babble.......it's easier that way, really. She's going to do whatever she wants to anyway, so why aggravate myself, right?
She then invited me to go to some park on Friday, with her and J, and two other friends (who both have babies). I declined, saying that I was trying to stay away from babies at this particular moment in time (don't need to jinx anything right now), and she got pissy, saying "well, didn't you see your friend with the baby on Friday?" Whoa! WTF? So I told her (being nice, which I DIDN'T have to be) that we had lunch sans babies and children, and that right now, since I'm doing this FET, I'm trying not to jinx anything and I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Like I said, I was nice about it, when I really wanted to say was "You know, perhaps if you've gone through what I have for four years, you MIGHT understand, but, since you so obviously dont, I know that it's really silly of me to think you'd stop with the attitude just because I don't want to be the third wheel in the Mommy Club."
Why, oh why do Fertiles think that we IF chicks just always want to be around babies 24/7? Do they think that because we can't have children that we need our "fix"? That we just automatically jump at the opportunity of being around kids (and, more specifically, their kids)? I know it 's a stretch for them, but can they try, at least once, to put themselves in our shoes? Can they not see how painful it can be for us?
Perhaps it's my own fault-Sean and I usually put on our "Fertile Brave Face" when we're around our friend's children (or anyone with kids), and act that nothing can bother us, that it will happen to us, eventually. Many of our friends never see the frustration, sadness, and grief that we feel. They never really hear the nitty-gritty details-I mean, why put people through that? It's not their fault. And, let's face it, it leads to the eventual drop-off of friends and party invitations. Would you want to be around someone like that all the time? I wouldn't. Plus, the important thing for me is to lead as "normal" a life as possible, despite the unpredictability of infertility. So, maybe it's my own fault that I don't verbalize myself as often as I should with non-IF friends.
However, I do find it ironic that most Fertiles, whether they are currently pregnant or already mothers, expect you to sit through their Litany of the Complaints (how fat/swollen/sick they are, how miserable they feel, how tired they are, how "hard" it all is, and what their precious darling is currently doing), yet they can't spend the same time listening to an infertile's complaints or concerns. Quite ironic, as a matter of fact. Hmmm....
I know that it isn't everyone-I have some extremely fertile friends (Iike CeCe, or women who have gone through IF and now have children) who are so sensitive and supportive to what I'm going through. Perhaps that's the missing link-having empathy and compassion for others. Some people are just more (for lack of a better word) selfish and self-absorbed. They don't expect that you don't always want to be around their children. And, it's almost as if they feel that you don't have the right to verbalize that.
I read my horoscope the other morning in my new issue of Glamour magazine. For the month of August, it says:
Let's see, there's nothing else that's extremely interesting going on here (at least, not yet). I had lunch with my friend CeCe Friday (the one from church who has 5 kids), which was nice. We went out yesterday to just drive around, had a yummy dinner, and had some nice "alone" time. Just a typical weekend.
I talked to M today-it turns out that the gyno found out that she has the MTHFR mutation (she's not sure if it's heterozygous or homozygous), and the gyno told her that it's put her into menopause because it's a "clotting disorder", and now has to see a hematologist. Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about MTHFR, but for some reason I didn't think that it was a clotting disorder on its own, but when it is combined with other factors (for some reason I thought I was told this by a friend of mine who has the mutation). Of course, when I did verbalize that, she got snippy and said that everything SHE read on the internet (dear old Dr. Google) and asked of her doctor friend (a recent resident grad) said it was, and the gyno said it was........so I just let her babble.......it's easier that way, really. She's going to do whatever she wants to anyway, so why aggravate myself, right?
She then invited me to go to some park on Friday, with her and J, and two other friends (who both have babies). I declined, saying that I was trying to stay away from babies at this particular moment in time (don't need to jinx anything right now), and she got pissy, saying "well, didn't you see your friend with the baby on Friday?" Whoa! WTF? So I told her (being nice, which I DIDN'T have to be) that we had lunch sans babies and children, and that right now, since I'm doing this FET, I'm trying not to jinx anything and I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Like I said, I was nice about it, when I really wanted to say was "You know, perhaps if you've gone through what I have for four years, you MIGHT understand, but, since you so obviously dont, I know that it's really silly of me to think you'd stop with the attitude just because I don't want to be the third wheel in the Mommy Club."
Why, oh why do Fertiles think that we IF chicks just always want to be around babies 24/7? Do they think that because we can't have children that we need our "fix"? That we just automatically jump at the opportunity of being around kids (and, more specifically, their kids)? I know it 's a stretch for them, but can they try, at least once, to put themselves in our shoes? Can they not see how painful it can be for us?
Perhaps it's my own fault-Sean and I usually put on our "Fertile Brave Face" when we're around our friend's children (or anyone with kids), and act that nothing can bother us, that it will happen to us, eventually. Many of our friends never see the frustration, sadness, and grief that we feel. They never really hear the nitty-gritty details-I mean, why put people through that? It's not their fault. And, let's face it, it leads to the eventual drop-off of friends and party invitations. Would you want to be around someone like that all the time? I wouldn't. Plus, the important thing for me is to lead as "normal" a life as possible, despite the unpredictability of infertility. So, maybe it's my own fault that I don't verbalize myself as often as I should with non-IF friends.
However, I do find it ironic that most Fertiles, whether they are currently pregnant or already mothers, expect you to sit through their Litany of the Complaints (how fat/swollen/sick they are, how miserable they feel, how tired they are, how "hard" it all is, and what their precious darling is currently doing), yet they can't spend the same time listening to an infertile's complaints or concerns. Quite ironic, as a matter of fact. Hmmm....
I know that it isn't everyone-I have some extremely fertile friends (Iike CeCe, or women who have gone through IF and now have children) who are so sensitive and supportive to what I'm going through. Perhaps that's the missing link-having empathy and compassion for others. Some people are just more (for lack of a better word) selfish and self-absorbed. They don't expect that you don't always want to be around their children. And, it's almost as if they feel that you don't have the right to verbalize that.
I read my horoscope the other morning in my new issue of Glamour magazine. For the month of August, it says:
With practical Saturn in your house of goals, you'll take the first steps toward reaching a long-standing dream (writing a book? A trip to Africa?). You'll need all your energy to do it, so ask a needy friend to, temporarily, find another shoulder to cry on, and allow the guy in your life to wait on you hand and foot.
I think that day will be soon upon us.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Moodswing Pendulum
Whoo-hoo......gotta love those hormones. I am feeling better today, though-at least, so far. Mood swings are like tornados-you don't get much warning before it hits. And, woe is anyone who stands in its path *drawing finger across throat*.
And, yeah Manuela-itchy boobs. Right around the nipple. For some reason, it always happens when I take the Pill-I remember that happening, as well as a feeling of soreness and fullness (which hasn't happened yet), when I first went on the Pill back in college. And, since it's not exactly socially acceptable to scratch your tits in public, it's a testament of willpower not to have my hands in my bra constantly. *sigh* I think I saw a porno like that once......*nod to Cleolinda's parody of HP&POA-read it here if you've seen the movie and want to pee your pants*
It's weird about this FET-some people know that we're doing it, and they want to talk about it whenever I'm around (like M), and I really have no desire to discuss any of it. Not because I'm not glad we're moving forward, but I'm trying to have the mindset that if I don't think about it, perhaps it will actually work. Stupid, I know, but I'm just tired about talking about my reproductive organs all the time. There's more than that to me, dammit! I actually told M yesterday that "my reproductive organs are not up for discussion today". And I don't give a rat's ass if she was offended or not. I'm just getting weary of being defined by whether or not I'm able to have children. So, perhaps that's the rationale behind not discussing it. That, and the more people that don't know what's going on, the less pressure there is on us.
And that's a very good thing, let's face it.
And, yeah Manuela-itchy boobs. Right around the nipple. For some reason, it always happens when I take the Pill-I remember that happening, as well as a feeling of soreness and fullness (which hasn't happened yet), when I first went on the Pill back in college. And, since it's not exactly socially acceptable to scratch your tits in public, it's a testament of willpower not to have my hands in my bra constantly. *sigh* I think I saw a porno like that once......*nod to Cleolinda's parody of HP&POA-read it here if you've seen the movie and want to pee your pants*
It's weird about this FET-some people know that we're doing it, and they want to talk about it whenever I'm around (like M), and I really have no desire to discuss any of it. Not because I'm not glad we're moving forward, but I'm trying to have the mindset that if I don't think about it, perhaps it will actually work. Stupid, I know, but I'm just tired about talking about my reproductive organs all the time. There's more than that to me, dammit! I actually told M yesterday that "my reproductive organs are not up for discussion today". And I don't give a rat's ass if she was offended or not. I'm just getting weary of being defined by whether or not I'm able to have children. So, perhaps that's the rationale behind not discussing it. That, and the more people that don't know what's going on, the less pressure there is on us.
And that's a very good thing, let's face it.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I Hate People
Well, everyone-we have now entered day three of birth control pills. And the fun has certainly begun.
Moodswings.
Zits
Itchy boobs.
Wanting to rip your husband's testicles off because he can't understand why you don't want to light the oven to make Texas Toast with dinner. (Because I said so, dammit-don't argue with me-I keel you!)
Staying upstairs to avoid aforementioned husband so as not to detach his testicles, just in case we need them again. Plotting revenge for dinner (in fact, I was in the middle of cooking when he started bitching about the bread, and I threw the frying pan across the stove and announced that he could "make his own fucking dinner") that I did not eat. Thanks, babe.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slope between sanity and going absolutely raving, barking mad. Like, if someone gave me the stinkeye, I'd probably be arrested for assault. And I'm not even overexaggerating-I can't be trusted not to freak out right now.
Nurse Blondie called this morning and let me know that I begin my Lupron on August 1st, which will be adding even more fun and games in the hormonal department. I think I'm going to get a t-shirt made with a disclaimer, just in case-it's better to be safe than sorry (or incarcerated).
This just sucks. It sucks that I even have to do this. It sucks to be not in control with my emotions.
I hate everyone today (not you guys-you GET it). Let's hope tomorrow will be better.
Moodswings.
Zits
Itchy boobs.
Wanting to rip your husband's testicles off because he can't understand why you don't want to light the oven to make Texas Toast with dinner. (Because I said so, dammit-don't argue with me-I keel you!)
Staying upstairs to avoid aforementioned husband so as not to detach his testicles, just in case we need them again. Plotting revenge for dinner (in fact, I was in the middle of cooking when he started bitching about the bread, and I threw the frying pan across the stove and announced that he could "make his own fucking dinner") that I did not eat. Thanks, babe.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slope between sanity and going absolutely raving, barking mad. Like, if someone gave me the stinkeye, I'd probably be arrested for assault. And I'm not even overexaggerating-I can't be trusted not to freak out right now.
Nurse Blondie called this morning and let me know that I begin my Lupron on August 1st, which will be adding even more fun and games in the hormonal department. I think I'm going to get a t-shirt made with a disclaimer, just in case-it's better to be safe than sorry (or incarcerated).
This just sucks. It sucks that I even have to do this. It sucks to be not in control with my emotions.
I hate everyone today (not you guys-you GET it). Let's hope tomorrow will be better.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Checking Into The Red Roof Inn
And it's about time, too. I was starting to wonder whether my Red Guest was going to show or not.
Cycle day 1. Yay. I'll be at Big Important Clinic Sunday morning, bright and early, for my bloodletting and a date with the Follicular Lurve Wand. And hopefully will start the OCP's that day.
We're on our way, people.
Cycle day 1. Yay. I'll be at Big Important Clinic Sunday morning, bright and early, for my bloodletting and a date with the Follicular Lurve Wand. And hopefully will start the OCP's that day.
We're on our way, people.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
More Whinging and Whining
Here we are at cycle day 35, with no sign of Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp. There is some brownish spotting, mixed with cervical mucus, and some crampiness, but no flow. Why, oh, why can't my body cooperate, just once? Is it too much to ask?
Apparently.
And no, I'm not up the pole, either-I checked that out already. Negative.
Can we say "annoying"? I know you can....
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Thanks for the responses about my last post. I don't really feel bad about what I said (long overdue, in my opinion), but I know for a fact that it went through one ear and out the other, since we went to lunch Monday (a rarity, since she usually blows me off) and she kept asking tons of questions about the clinic (her appt is 8/22 with the RE I see). And the fact that she called me yesterday, from work, to tell me that our gyno called her and said that her autoimmune workup came back okay.
Yesterday, during that conversation, she did get a bit snarky with me about her daughter. Here's the background first, before I get into the phone conversation:
We went to a late lunch Monday afternoon, then went to pick up her daughter from camp. Then we made our way back to M's, because she and Sexy J were going to the gym. From the moment J (her 5 yo daughter) got into the house, she started acting wacky, trying to get everyone's attention, that kind of thing. M and I went upstairs because she had to change, then heard J yelling up the stairs that she "didn't want Mommy to go to the gym", she wanted her to stay here. Uh...okay. M told her that they wouldn't be long (they have child care). J then decided that she wanted to wear her sneakers instead of her flip-flops. M told her that her flip-flops were right there (she was just wearing them) and to just put those on instead. Of course, J wouldn't listen, pulled her sneakers out of her camp bag and put them on. She then began whining (and I'm not being dramatic) "Mommeeee, tie my sneeeeakers..." over and over. M said that she'd better be able to tie them herself then, because she told her to put the other shoes on. She kept on whining, Sexy J told her to quiet down, J told him to "shut up", then M finally told her that she'd tie her sneakers (?). I then told M that her sneakers were wet (she got her sneakers and socks wet at camp) inside, and said to J that they were too wet, and we'd put them outside to dry. She started saying "no" , and at that point I beat a hasty retreat. As I said goodbye to J, she just stared at me. M told her to say goodbye, and she said "bye" in a snotty way and slammed the front door as I was standing on the stoop. ARRGH!
Okay, now that you've got that in your head, she brought J up in conversation yesterday. I asked her if she was better last night than the afternoon, when I saw her. She didn't say anything for a second, then said "You know S, she's a kid, and kids whine". I told her than yes, kids do whine sometimes, but she's 5 years old and shouldn't be doing it as often as she is (of course I'm not speaking from the experience of a parent, but as a primary teacher-I see 150 of that age group in particular, and I told her that). M then had to point out that she doesn't do it in school-and I said yes, she probably doesn't, and she probably does it at home to get attention. I then dropped it, because I didn't feel like getting into a drag-out fight, because I was like "what the FUCK!? Can you not see what she's doing?". So it was a bit awkward getting off the phone, and I haven't heard from her since then (we usually talk a few times a day).
Perhaps I shouldn't have opened my mouth-I know that mothers are extremely protective and I'm sure that she saw my comment as an attack on her kid-but I really feel that she doesn't see (or want to see) that her kid is turning into a brat. She always makes the same excuse about her behavior-she acts like that because that's what she does at Fuckwad's house, and it works there. So, what's the excuse with the backtalk, the disrespect that she shows for adults, the blatant disregard when she's asked do so something simple as open a door for someone who has things in their hands (she'll actually tell you no). During that whole sneaker exchange on Monday, I never heard the word "no" escape M's lips. Can't she see that she's just as wrong, that she's not helping the issue? She's even said to me recently that she's thinking of taking her to a psychologist, because she thinks that J is acting out because she's having a hard time dealing with the divorce. But, who's having the hard time here, J, or M?
Sean and I had a long talk about this last night, over dinner. I told him the story, and he said that it's just a shame, all around. He feels that J is disrespectful to adults, and generally gets her way too much, and also has way too much stuff (I can't even tell you how many toys and things she has), and said that he'd never tolerate the way she talks to people. And, we're not the only ones who think that-I've heard other mutual friends make similar comments. I've decided that I will refuse to make any more comments about it, or even engage in an in-depth conversation about her, even if brought up, to avoid any potential arguments. And, if I am around her and she starts up with any unacceptable behavior, I'll literally walk away from the situation, rather than act on the urge to correct the behavior. Even though she's my godchild, it's ultimately not my business if she can't be controlled, right?
It's a shame though-she's not an evil child. But, I see kids like that every day-kids who think that, because they get away with things at home, other adults will indulge them in the same way. Those kids tend to get worse as they get older. J might be "good" in school now, but she only finished pre-K-she hasn't gotten into the academic routine of Kindergarten, and beyond. Who's to say that she won't do it in school? And, I see parents who constantly make excuses for their child's behavior, rather than discipline the child. What message does it send to the kid? That it's socially acceptable to be that way? Not for anything, but if I had a child who spoke to my adult friends/family in the manner she does to us, I'd be mortified, and it would never happen again-but M doesn't seem to be fazed by it. Sean feels that M is trying to have the same life she did before children, and she can't-you can't fit children around your life. I know that she wants the best for her child-what mother doesn't? However, she doesn't help the situation either. She is so quick to blame the ex for everything, but she can't see her own hand in it.
*Sigh*. It's so easy to see other's problems when you're on the outside, looking in. It's also easy to assume you'd do something differently, especially if you don't have children to base your experiences on. I guess I wouldn't like it if I felt that someone were knocking my child or parenting skills-I'm sure she feels vunerable enough. But, we have plenty of friends with children who don't act this way, and would never even think of it, so I think that what I'm saying does have some validity. I'm not being a jerk because I want to be, but because it's hurtful when a niece/godchild/whoever treats you crappy, not only because the kid does it, but because the parent doesn't correct the behavior; it's as if they secretly agree with what the kid's doing or saying. So, it's like you're getting disrespect not only from the child, but from the parents.
I refuse to call her back. If she doesn't like it, she'll just have to get over it.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Apparently.
And no, I'm not up the pole, either-I checked that out already. Negative.
Can we say "annoying"? I know you can....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for the responses about my last post. I don't really feel bad about what I said (long overdue, in my opinion), but I know for a fact that it went through one ear and out the other, since we went to lunch Monday (a rarity, since she usually blows me off) and she kept asking tons of questions about the clinic (her appt is 8/22 with the RE I see). And the fact that she called me yesterday, from work, to tell me that our gyno called her and said that her autoimmune workup came back okay.
Yesterday, during that conversation, she did get a bit snarky with me about her daughter. Here's the background first, before I get into the phone conversation:
We went to a late lunch Monday afternoon, then went to pick up her daughter from camp. Then we made our way back to M's, because she and Sexy J were going to the gym. From the moment J (her 5 yo daughter) got into the house, she started acting wacky, trying to get everyone's attention, that kind of thing. M and I went upstairs because she had to change, then heard J yelling up the stairs that she "didn't want Mommy to go to the gym", she wanted her to stay here. Uh...okay. M told her that they wouldn't be long (they have child care). J then decided that she wanted to wear her sneakers instead of her flip-flops. M told her that her flip-flops were right there (she was just wearing them) and to just put those on instead. Of course, J wouldn't listen, pulled her sneakers out of her camp bag and put them on. She then began whining (and I'm not being dramatic) "Mommeeee, tie my sneeeeakers..." over and over. M said that she'd better be able to tie them herself then, because she told her to put the other shoes on. She kept on whining, Sexy J told her to quiet down, J told him to "shut up", then M finally told her that she'd tie her sneakers (?). I then told M that her sneakers were wet (she got her sneakers and socks wet at camp) inside, and said to J that they were too wet, and we'd put them outside to dry. She started saying "no" , and at that point I beat a hasty retreat. As I said goodbye to J, she just stared at me. M told her to say goodbye, and she said "bye" in a snotty way and slammed the front door as I was standing on the stoop. ARRGH!
Okay, now that you've got that in your head, she brought J up in conversation yesterday. I asked her if she was better last night than the afternoon, when I saw her. She didn't say anything for a second, then said "You know S, she's a kid, and kids whine". I told her than yes, kids do whine sometimes, but she's 5 years old and shouldn't be doing it as often as she is (of course I'm not speaking from the experience of a parent, but as a primary teacher-I see 150 of that age group in particular, and I told her that). M then had to point out that she doesn't do it in school-and I said yes, she probably doesn't, and she probably does it at home to get attention. I then dropped it, because I didn't feel like getting into a drag-out fight, because I was like "what the FUCK!? Can you not see what she's doing?". So it was a bit awkward getting off the phone, and I haven't heard from her since then (we usually talk a few times a day).
Perhaps I shouldn't have opened my mouth-I know that mothers are extremely protective and I'm sure that she saw my comment as an attack on her kid-but I really feel that she doesn't see (or want to see) that her kid is turning into a brat. She always makes the same excuse about her behavior-she acts like that because that's what she does at Fuckwad's house, and it works there. So, what's the excuse with the backtalk, the disrespect that she shows for adults, the blatant disregard when she's asked do so something simple as open a door for someone who has things in their hands (she'll actually tell you no). During that whole sneaker exchange on Monday, I never heard the word "no" escape M's lips. Can't she see that she's just as wrong, that she's not helping the issue? She's even said to me recently that she's thinking of taking her to a psychologist, because she thinks that J is acting out because she's having a hard time dealing with the divorce. But, who's having the hard time here, J, or M?
Sean and I had a long talk about this last night, over dinner. I told him the story, and he said that it's just a shame, all around. He feels that J is disrespectful to adults, and generally gets her way too much, and also has way too much stuff (I can't even tell you how many toys and things she has), and said that he'd never tolerate the way she talks to people. And, we're not the only ones who think that-I've heard other mutual friends make similar comments. I've decided that I will refuse to make any more comments about it, or even engage in an in-depth conversation about her, even if brought up, to avoid any potential arguments. And, if I am around her and she starts up with any unacceptable behavior, I'll literally walk away from the situation, rather than act on the urge to correct the behavior. Even though she's my godchild, it's ultimately not my business if she can't be controlled, right?
It's a shame though-she's not an evil child. But, I see kids like that every day-kids who think that, because they get away with things at home, other adults will indulge them in the same way. Those kids tend to get worse as they get older. J might be "good" in school now, but she only finished pre-K-she hasn't gotten into the academic routine of Kindergarten, and beyond. Who's to say that she won't do it in school? And, I see parents who constantly make excuses for their child's behavior, rather than discipline the child. What message does it send to the kid? That it's socially acceptable to be that way? Not for anything, but if I had a child who spoke to my adult friends/family in the manner she does to us, I'd be mortified, and it would never happen again-but M doesn't seem to be fazed by it. Sean feels that M is trying to have the same life she did before children, and she can't-you can't fit children around your life. I know that she wants the best for her child-what mother doesn't? However, she doesn't help the situation either. She is so quick to blame the ex for everything, but she can't see her own hand in it.
*Sigh*. It's so easy to see other's problems when you're on the outside, looking in. It's also easy to assume you'd do something differently, especially if you don't have children to base your experiences on. I guess I wouldn't like it if I felt that someone were knocking my child or parenting skills-I'm sure she feels vunerable enough. But, we have plenty of friends with children who don't act this way, and would never even think of it, so I think that what I'm saying does have some validity. I'm not being a jerk because I want to be, but because it's hurtful when a niece/godchild/whoever treats you crappy, not only because the kid does it, but because the parent doesn't correct the behavior; it's as if they secretly agree with what the kid's doing or saying. So, it's like you're getting disrespect not only from the child, but from the parents.
I refuse to call her back. If she doesn't like it, she'll just have to get over it.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
"Now, if You'll Just open your Mouth wide enough to get that Foot to fit right in...."
I know that I haven't posted in awhile, and I do apologize, but I had jury duty, beginning Tuesday-I was unlucky to actually get chosen for a case. Actually, that's not altogether true. I was lucky, in a way-if I hadn't been chosen for a jury, I'd have to come back the next day. Due to the backlog of cases because of the shutdown of the NJ State Government ten days ago, I would have ended up being picked for Grand Jury-an eight week ordeal that would have, quite frankly, sucked large testicles.
On the FET front, I'm still waiting for my period to show-it should be here from today onward. Since I've given up charting my temps (I haven't done that in almost a year now.....what's the point?) I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated, but once it shows up I go in for CD 3 bloodletting and wanding, then I get to start those lovely BCP's. I'm looking forward to getting things started, to finally get to some kind of outcome. I don't like being in limbo.
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I'm sure you'll all remember my slight dilemma that I posted about. Now, I don't know if I should feel like an big asshole or a slight asshole. I got a phone call the other day from M, and, while in the middle of a converstation with her, she made the comment ".....well, now that I can't have any more children". Of course, I then had to ask her what she meant. Our twato called her back with results of the bloodwork she did-her FSH was 68, and the twato advised her that she was going through early menopause, will be putting her back on BCP's for estrogen replacement, and also wants to refer her to the IF clinic I am currently a patient for a full workup, since she's undecided as to whether she's having more children (she'd be seeing my RE, who is also head of the egg donor program). Now, I'm not sure how it works in a situation like this-would an RE see a patient about infertility who isn't actively trying to concieve?
So, I pretty much told her how I felt-that she's not married, unsure whether or not she would marry the guy she's seeing currently, and already has a child-is she worrying about this because she really wants to marry Sexy J and have more kids, or is it because someone told her that she couldn't have any more (her own words, not mine)? She's totally the type of person that, when told that she can't do something, she'd do it anyway to prove whoever it is that they're wrong. I then told her that she doesn't know whether or not she still couldn't have children, as she's not actively trying to get pregnant (plenty of menopausal women conceive those "late in life" babies when they thought that their reproductive systems were almost shut down), and would they be able to accurately do hormone testing if she were back on the Pill?
She tried to compare me to her, but I stopped it right then and there-I bluntly told her that what I was going through and this are in no way similar-she's looking at it from the viewpoint of someone who already has a child, whereas I have none. I, quite honestly (and it felt damn good) told her that my way of looking at it is that, if I were her, I'd be damn grateful that I already had a child and be happy with that, she never had to have any difficulties with having what she already has, and that you have to be happy with what you already have to then know if you want more than that. She then said, right away, that she was really grateful to have her daughter, but she always thought that she'd have more kids. At which point I told her that I always thought I'd have 3 children, and never dreamed that I'd be in the situation I'm in now, with the possibility of never being able to have my own children, but that nothing is ever as we truly want it to be.
I told her that she needs to figure out first what she wants her relationship with J to be-does she want to marry him, and if so, does she really want to have more children (which is what she's undecided about)? I cautioned her against letting the news of her early menopause influence her in making a hasty decision to get married again. She mentioned things about worrying about having two children with two different men, that she didn't want to end up alone, that she didn't want to work as hard as she does to maintain her life. I asked her if she was worried about what others think of her, and she said no, but it makes me wonder. I'd just hate to see her make a rash decision because of this, but I can't stop her. I gave her my piece, and she didn't get pissy (to her credit), but I'm not sure if she was really listening. I guess time will tell that.
She's still going to make an appointment with my RE, though-whether or not she'll be seen is unsure, but she'll find out once she makes the call.
I don't know-perhaps she thought that I'd be an ally with her on this, since I'm going through infertility, but I don't see her as even being secondarily infertile, at least not yet. It's not as if she's trying right now, or even if she eventually will. She did mention that she feels like she's less of a woman (which I can definitely relate to), and, didn't I feel that way? I did admit that, yeah, I do feel that way sometimes, but couldn't agree in her case-she isn't less of a woman, especially since she's already proven that she could have her own children successfully.
I hope I didn't come across as overly harsh, but it's hard for me to have patience with this, as "shit, what is she whinging about-she has a child, can't she be happy with that?" kept replaying in my head as we had this conversation. And, this isn't a knock on secondary infertility in ANY way-I have friends who are going through that and it's hard to watch their pain. No, I think it's because M is trying to make claims of infertility, and I strongly feel that she doesn't have the right to make casual claims like that with no definitive proof. It's not like having a heart murmur or an enlarged spleen-infertility is not something that's always so cut and dry, or easily treated. I guess what irks me about the whole thing (I do have to point out that I'm really not angry with her, per se, just her ignorance, really) is that she's so cavalier about it, like she'll just go to the RE, they'll do IVF (with or without donor eggs) and she'll have a baby, just like that (and she basically said that to me). Mind you, she's in the medical profession, people-she, of all people, should know that medicine is not absolute.
Perhaps that is exactly why I find this all so offensive. Because I (and many of you) have already been through so much hell, and I would hate to have my best friend have to go through what I have-the tests, medications, surgeries, disappointments and sorrows. And, it's almost like she's enjoying (perhaps that's too strong a word, but I can't think of any other word to sugar-coat it) the fact that she's in the "IF Club" now, since she knows many of her closest friends had difficulties. That she can now participate with more personal experience in the conversations about clinics, drugs, and the inside jokes we all share about dildocams, bloodlettings, and that fact we're naked more often for the RE than for our own partners and husbands.
I'm not saying that going through menopause at 34 isn't a great thing, or that she doesn't have a right to be upset with her diagnosis-she has a right to grieve that her childbearing days are coming to a close. And, yes, early menopause is definitely a cause of infertility, so, ultimately, she will be unable to have more children. This is about being happy with what life has given you, and she has so much to be happy for-she's no longer in a bad marriage to a man who was emotionally abusive and distant, she has a beautiful child, a fufilling career, a relationship with a man who cares for and respects both her and her daughter. Would I react in the same way as she did? I don't know. Perhaps, but perhaps not-I'm not in that situation. Do I have empathy for her? Of course-I'm not a heartless bitch. But, would I trade places with her?
Yes, in a heartbeat. Because, even though menopause is no joke, and that I don't want to see my best friend go through infertility treatment, she has something precious, something that, no matter what she goes through with menopause, I'd give everything I have for.
A child of her own.
On the FET front, I'm still waiting for my period to show-it should be here from today onward. Since I've given up charting my temps (I haven't done that in almost a year now.....what's the point?) I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated, but once it shows up I go in for CD 3 bloodletting and wanding, then I get to start those lovely BCP's. I'm looking forward to getting things started, to finally get to some kind of outcome. I don't like being in limbo.
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I'm sure you'll all remember my slight dilemma that I posted about. Now, I don't know if I should feel like an big asshole or a slight asshole. I got a phone call the other day from M, and, while in the middle of a converstation with her, she made the comment ".....well, now that I can't have any more children". Of course, I then had to ask her what she meant. Our twato called her back with results of the bloodwork she did-her FSH was 68, and the twato advised her that she was going through early menopause, will be putting her back on BCP's for estrogen replacement, and also wants to refer her to the IF clinic I am currently a patient for a full workup, since she's undecided as to whether she's having more children (she'd be seeing my RE, who is also head of the egg donor program). Now, I'm not sure how it works in a situation like this-would an RE see a patient about infertility who isn't actively trying to concieve?
So, I pretty much told her how I felt-that she's not married, unsure whether or not she would marry the guy she's seeing currently, and already has a child-is she worrying about this because she really wants to marry Sexy J and have more kids, or is it because someone told her that she couldn't have any more (her own words, not mine)? She's totally the type of person that, when told that she can't do something, she'd do it anyway to prove whoever it is that they're wrong. I then told her that she doesn't know whether or not she still couldn't have children, as she's not actively trying to get pregnant (plenty of menopausal women conceive those "late in life" babies when they thought that their reproductive systems were almost shut down), and would they be able to accurately do hormone testing if she were back on the Pill?
She tried to compare me to her, but I stopped it right then and there-I bluntly told her that what I was going through and this are in no way similar-she's looking at it from the viewpoint of someone who already has a child, whereas I have none. I, quite honestly (and it felt damn good) told her that my way of looking at it is that, if I were her, I'd be damn grateful that I already had a child and be happy with that, she never had to have any difficulties with having what she already has, and that you have to be happy with what you already have to then know if you want more than that. She then said, right away, that she was really grateful to have her daughter, but she always thought that she'd have more kids. At which point I told her that I always thought I'd have 3 children, and never dreamed that I'd be in the situation I'm in now, with the possibility of never being able to have my own children, but that nothing is ever as we truly want it to be.
I told her that she needs to figure out first what she wants her relationship with J to be-does she want to marry him, and if so, does she really want to have more children (which is what she's undecided about)? I cautioned her against letting the news of her early menopause influence her in making a hasty decision to get married again. She mentioned things about worrying about having two children with two different men, that she didn't want to end up alone, that she didn't want to work as hard as she does to maintain her life. I asked her if she was worried about what others think of her, and she said no, but it makes me wonder. I'd just hate to see her make a rash decision because of this, but I can't stop her. I gave her my piece, and she didn't get pissy (to her credit), but I'm not sure if she was really listening. I guess time will tell that.
She's still going to make an appointment with my RE, though-whether or not she'll be seen is unsure, but she'll find out once she makes the call.
I don't know-perhaps she thought that I'd be an ally with her on this, since I'm going through infertility, but I don't see her as even being secondarily infertile, at least not yet. It's not as if she's trying right now, or even if she eventually will. She did mention that she feels like she's less of a woman (which I can definitely relate to), and, didn't I feel that way? I did admit that, yeah, I do feel that way sometimes, but couldn't agree in her case-she isn't less of a woman, especially since she's already proven that she could have her own children successfully.
I hope I didn't come across as overly harsh, but it's hard for me to have patience with this, as "shit, what is she whinging about-she has a child, can't she be happy with that?" kept replaying in my head as we had this conversation. And, this isn't a knock on secondary infertility in ANY way-I have friends who are going through that and it's hard to watch their pain. No, I think it's because M is trying to make claims of infertility, and I strongly feel that she doesn't have the right to make casual claims like that with no definitive proof. It's not like having a heart murmur or an enlarged spleen-infertility is not something that's always so cut and dry, or easily treated. I guess what irks me about the whole thing (I do have to point out that I'm really not angry with her, per se, just her ignorance, really) is that she's so cavalier about it, like she'll just go to the RE, they'll do IVF (with or without donor eggs) and she'll have a baby, just like that (and she basically said that to me). Mind you, she's in the medical profession, people-she, of all people, should know that medicine is not absolute.
Perhaps that is exactly why I find this all so offensive. Because I (and many of you) have already been through so much hell, and I would hate to have my best friend have to go through what I have-the tests, medications, surgeries, disappointments and sorrows. And, it's almost like she's enjoying (perhaps that's too strong a word, but I can't think of any other word to sugar-coat it) the fact that she's in the "IF Club" now, since she knows many of her closest friends had difficulties. That she can now participate with more personal experience in the conversations about clinics, drugs, and the inside jokes we all share about dildocams, bloodlettings, and that fact we're naked more often for the RE than for our own partners and husbands.
I'm not saying that going through menopause at 34 isn't a great thing, or that she doesn't have a right to be upset with her diagnosis-she has a right to grieve that her childbearing days are coming to a close. And, yes, early menopause is definitely a cause of infertility, so, ultimately, she will be unable to have more children. This is about being happy with what life has given you, and she has so much to be happy for-she's no longer in a bad marriage to a man who was emotionally abusive and distant, she has a beautiful child, a fufilling career, a relationship with a man who cares for and respects both her and her daughter. Would I react in the same way as she did? I don't know. Perhaps, but perhaps not-I'm not in that situation. Do I have empathy for her? Of course-I'm not a heartless bitch. But, would I trade places with her?
Yes, in a heartbeat. Because, even though menopause is no joke, and that I don't want to see my best friend go through infertility treatment, she has something precious, something that, no matter what she goes through with menopause, I'd give everything I have for.
A child of her own.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Piling on the Drug Bandwagon (Again)
Today was the big day-FET appointment day.
I had to wait awhile for Dr. Pipsqueak, as she was running behind (very out of character for Big Important Clinic)-apparently, the appointment before mine was stuck in traffic. No matter, though-it's not like I have anything important going on-I'm on VA-CAY!
Anyhow, we go into her office, where she asks me how I'm feeling (great), if I gained any weight (nope) and whether I was ready to dive into the FET cycle (uh....yeah). I found out that, out of the 22 fertilized eggs, 12 were frozen at 1pn stage (right after fertilization) and 6 made it to day-3 stage before cryo. So, I have 18 embryos to use.
She explained to me that, because my cycles (although regular) tend to be on the longish side, she wants me to do a synthetic FET instead of a natural one. Which means that I get a turn once again with two weeks of OCP, adding in my New Best Friend Loopy Lupron, then introducing Estrace into the mix (estrogen pills), starting Medrol, Doxycycline, and the lovely PIO, and transferring two to three embryos (depending on quality, of course). I was a little taken aback at the recommendation for the synthetic cycle, but she explained that the natural cycle, ultimately, didn't work, and she wants to make sure that every opportunity is being used for success.
Also, since the embryos were frozen in "straws" of three, they will first thaw a strand of the just fertilized ones, to see how they'll grow. Depending on their growth is whether or not they will have to thaw more, or go into the 3 day ones. She did warn me that there is always a chance that none will make through, and we won't transfer anything, but the quality of the day-3 ones were good, but not perfect. So, that freaked me out a little bit, but I refuse to let myself dwell on it. There isn't much that can be done now, if you know what I mean.
I met with Nurse Blondie, who gave me my timeline and promised to get on the phone to the pharmacy to order the Estrace and Doxycycline (and already got the phone call from the pharmacy-they rock). So, it looks like there will be a transfer in about four weeks, give or take a few days, assuming thatAunt Flo That Time of the Month The Mudslide At Crotch Canyon will begin later this week.
Am I excited? Sort of, as long as I don't freak out that I'll arrive for the transfer only to be told that we're shit out of luck. I am really not so happy about more drugs-the progesterone I expected (although pills), but Lupron and Estrace? Yuck. However, beggars can't be choosers, in this case.
Let the games begin.
I had to wait awhile for Dr. Pipsqueak, as she was running behind (very out of character for Big Important Clinic)-apparently, the appointment before mine was stuck in traffic. No matter, though-it's not like I have anything important going on-I'm on VA-CAY!
Anyhow, we go into her office, where she asks me how I'm feeling (great), if I gained any weight (nope) and whether I was ready to dive into the FET cycle (uh....yeah). I found out that, out of the 22 fertilized eggs, 12 were frozen at 1pn stage (right after fertilization) and 6 made it to day-3 stage before cryo. So, I have 18 embryos to use.
She explained to me that, because my cycles (although regular) tend to be on the longish side, she wants me to do a synthetic FET instead of a natural one. Which means that I get a turn once again with two weeks of OCP, adding in my New Best Friend Loopy Lupron, then introducing Estrace into the mix (estrogen pills), starting Medrol, Doxycycline, and the lovely PIO, and transferring two to three embryos (depending on quality, of course). I was a little taken aback at the recommendation for the synthetic cycle, but she explained that the natural cycle, ultimately, didn't work, and she wants to make sure that every opportunity is being used for success.
Also, since the embryos were frozen in "straws" of three, they will first thaw a strand of the just fertilized ones, to see how they'll grow. Depending on their growth is whether or not they will have to thaw more, or go into the 3 day ones. She did warn me that there is always a chance that none will make through, and we won't transfer anything, but the quality of the day-3 ones were good, but not perfect. So, that freaked me out a little bit, but I refuse to let myself dwell on it. There isn't much that can be done now, if you know what I mean.
I met with Nurse Blondie, who gave me my timeline and promised to get on the phone to the pharmacy to order the Estrace and Doxycycline (and already got the phone call from the pharmacy-they rock). So, it looks like there will be a transfer in about four weeks, give or take a few days, assuming that
Am I excited? Sort of, as long as I don't freak out that I'll arrive for the transfer only to be told that we're shit out of luck. I am really not so happy about more drugs-the progesterone I expected (although pills), but Lupron and Estrace? Yuck. However, beggars can't be choosers, in this case.
Let the games begin.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Fifteen Hours and 42 Minutes
Tomorrow is the big day-my meeting with Dr. Pipsqueak about the cycle, and when the FET will be. I'm really hoping that we can do it this month and not have to wait. That would really suck, but there's not much I'd be able to do about it.
So, I'll update everyone with all the juicy details when I get back tomorrow afternoon.
Keep your fingers crossed.
So, I'll update everyone with all the juicy details when I get back tomorrow afternoon.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
A Shameless Plug
I just got the BEST book in the mail yesterday, and I have to plug it here.
The book, Movies in Fifteen Minutes: The Ten Biggest Movies Ever For People Who Can't Be Bothered, happens to be one of the funniest things that I've read in a long time.
The author, Cleolinda Jones, has a LiveJournal site titled (what else?) "Movies in Fifteen Minutes", where she parodies films. Any film will do, and they're hilarious. She has a huge fanbase, and eventually got a book deal. Unfortunately, you can't get the book at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble-it was only published out of a UK house, but you can get it through Amazon.uk.
I first read Cleolinda through Mugglenet-they had her LiveJournal link of the hysterical parody of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban listed, and became an instant fan. It's satirical without attacking, and basically gives a voice to any silly plotline we've found in movies. And, for a hardcover, it's really inexpensive-I ordered mine last Tuesday, and it arrived yesterday in the regular mail, and it only cost $22 (including shipping, tax + the exchange rate).
Go buy it. If you like this kind of stuff, you will not be disappointed. I can't wait for the sequel.
The book, Movies in Fifteen Minutes: The Ten Biggest Movies Ever For People Who Can't Be Bothered, happens to be one of the funniest things that I've read in a long time.
The author, Cleolinda Jones, has a LiveJournal site titled (what else?) "Movies in Fifteen Minutes", where she parodies films. Any film will do, and they're hilarious. She has a huge fanbase, and eventually got a book deal. Unfortunately, you can't get the book at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble-it was only published out of a UK house, but you can get it through Amazon.uk.
I first read Cleolinda through Mugglenet-they had her LiveJournal link of the hysterical parody of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban listed, and became an instant fan. It's satirical without attacking, and basically gives a voice to any silly plotline we've found in movies. And, for a hardcover, it's really inexpensive-I ordered mine last Tuesday, and it arrived yesterday in the regular mail, and it only cost $22 (including shipping, tax + the exchange rate).
Go buy it. If you like this kind of stuff, you will not be disappointed. I can't wait for the sequel.
Murphy's Law
My AC adaptor died on the cracktop last night. It's not even a year old, and it just went. So, I apprehensively got onto the Dell website to see what could be done. I say "apprehensively" because I've heard horror stories about Dell's customer service. In fact, as I was discussing having to contact the company, Sean replied, "Well, say hello to India for me when you get through". *Sigh*
So, up the stairs I trundled to the six year old Gateway desktop in the office upstairs. Old Faithful, we used to call it, until about three months ago, when it decided to have a nervous breakdown and couldn't be booted up. I got online with the cracktop with Gateway, and a nice lady told me that the problem was Windows XP, and it needed to be reinstalled. But, I asked, will I lose all my data? Nay, she replied, nothing would be lost. So, I dug out the CD and reinstalled XP.
And promptly lost 6 years worth of files. My lesson plans, photos, music (some of which was school related), all gone, Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit ya in the ass.
So, thatnice twathole lady lied out of her snatch. Bitch. I hope she gets crabs.
Needless to say, I've been having to reinstall everything-my printer, Microsoft Office (Student/Teacher Edition), NIS 05, Firefox, and it's been a drag. Especially NIS, since I bought it as a download-I had to contact Symantec and beg for a new download. But, I'm lucky it's sort of up and running, because I needed to get a hold of someone at Dell, at one this morning (after finally fixing the desktop). They were very nice, actually. Turns out my adaptor is defective, they're sending me a new one, free of charge, and it should be here within three days or so.
Whew. I can't live without the crack-top. Sitting in the office sucks-I feel really isolated.
The upside is that I finally got the gumption to really clean the office out-went through old files, threw a lot of crap out, cleaned out and reorganized the closet, vacuumed the rug (Peaches wasn't too happy about that one). It looks spick and span. At least until we start piling up crap again.
Happy 4th!
So, up the stairs I trundled to the six year old Gateway desktop in the office upstairs. Old Faithful, we used to call it, until about three months ago, when it decided to have a nervous breakdown and couldn't be booted up. I got online with the cracktop with Gateway, and a nice lady told me that the problem was Windows XP, and it needed to be reinstalled. But, I asked, will I lose all my data? Nay, she replied, nothing would be lost. So, I dug out the CD and reinstalled XP.
And promptly lost 6 years worth of files. My lesson plans, photos, music (some of which was school related), all gone, Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit ya in the ass.
So, that
Needless to say, I've been having to reinstall everything-my printer, Microsoft Office (Student/Teacher Edition), NIS 05, Firefox, and it's been a drag. Especially NIS, since I bought it as a download-I had to contact Symantec and beg for a new download. But, I'm lucky it's sort of up and running, because I needed to get a hold of someone at Dell, at one this morning (after finally fixing the desktop). They were very nice, actually. Turns out my adaptor is defective, they're sending me a new one, free of charge, and it should be here within three days or so.
Whew. I can't live without the crack-top. Sitting in the office sucks-I feel really isolated.
The upside is that I finally got the gumption to really clean the office out-went through old files, threw a lot of crap out, cleaned out and reorganized the closet, vacuumed the rug (Peaches wasn't too happy about that one). It looks spick and span. At least until we start piling up crap again.
Happy 4th!
Monday, July 03, 2006
I've Been Meme'd!
So, it seems as if I've been meme'd, from Shazz...........so, here goes (and, forgive me, those who I'm about to tag!)-sorry if it's a little late, but this shit is hard!
7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Get the cojones to actually give a go at the professional acting/singing thing.
2. Live in Europe
3. Become more financially secure
4. Be able to have #3, so we can buy a beautiful falling-apart Victorian and restore it
5. Have our own children.......duh....
6. Get my Master's and DMA, so I can teach University-level music classes
7. Learn to speak another language fluently, so I can teach our kids to be bilingual
7 Things That I Can't Do:
1. Drive a manual-shift car
2. Eat any kind of meat that's on the bone-it has to be removed.
3. Play an instrument that requires a reed (clarinet, saxophone) -can't stand the vibrating against my teeth
4. Have plastic surgery, unless medically necessary
5. Ride on roller coasters
6. Sleep without socks on
7. Do the butterfly stroke-not that coordinated
7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:
1. His smile
2. His sense of humor
3. The fact that he is the voice of reason, when I need it the most
4. His ass......whoo-ho, is it smokin'!
5. Similar interests in music and theater
6. His kindness
7. That is he the most unselfish person I know
7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:
1. The entire Harry Potter series
2. Jepthe's Daughter, by Naomi Ragen
3. Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man, by Fannie Flagg
4. The Witching Hour (well, the whole series, really), by Anne Rice
5. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
6. Sarah (part of the Caanan Trilogy), by Marek Halter
7. Rachel's Holiday, by Marian Keyes
7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:
1. Animal House
2. Sixteen Candles
3. Any movie that Christoper Guest directed
4. The Princess Bride
5. Arsenic and Old Lace
6. Any movie that Gary Oldman is in-he's fucking brilliant!
7. Henry V
7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand):
1. Jess
2. Kimmer
3. Beth
4. Lut
5. Shelli
6. UtRus
7. Cat
7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Get the cojones to actually give a go at the professional acting/singing thing.
2. Live in Europe
3. Become more financially secure
4. Be able to have #3, so we can buy a beautiful falling-apart Victorian and restore it
5. Have our own children.......duh....
6. Get my Master's and DMA, so I can teach University-level music classes
7. Learn to speak another language fluently, so I can teach our kids to be bilingual
7 Things That I Can't Do:
1. Drive a manual-shift car
2. Eat any kind of meat that's on the bone-it has to be removed.
3. Play an instrument that requires a reed (clarinet, saxophone) -can't stand the vibrating against my teeth
4. Have plastic surgery, unless medically necessary
5. Ride on roller coasters
6. Sleep without socks on
7. Do the butterfly stroke-not that coordinated
7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:
1. His smile
2. His sense of humor
3. The fact that he is the voice of reason, when I need it the most
4. His ass......whoo-ho, is it smokin'!
5. Similar interests in music and theater
6. His kindness
7. That is he the most unselfish person I know
7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:
1. The entire Harry Potter series
2. Jepthe's Daughter, by Naomi Ragen
3. Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man, by Fannie Flagg
4. The Witching Hour (well, the whole series, really), by Anne Rice
5. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
6. Sarah (part of the Caanan Trilogy), by Marek Halter
7. Rachel's Holiday, by Marian Keyes
7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:
1. Animal House
2. Sixteen Candles
3. Any movie that Christoper Guest directed
4. The Princess Bride
5. Arsenic and Old Lace
6. Any movie that Gary Oldman is in-he's fucking brilliant!
7. Henry V
7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand):
1. Jess
2. Kimmer
3. Beth
4. Lut
5. Shelli
6. UtRus
7. Cat
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Things On My Mind
Thanks for the replies. It makes it easier to know that this seems to be a common occurence. It's sad though-infertility is hard enough, but to not have that support system around you, when you need it the most, really sucks. That's what I hate about being infertile-it's so isolating. You isolate yourself because most people really don't get it, and, after awhile, don't want to hear about it (like Shelli said-and I remember when you went through that), so they start to avoid you. There are friends that I haven't seen in months, because they probably feel awkward around us. Does it suck? Yeah. Would I do the same thing, if I weren't going through this? Maybe. Let's be honest here-if I were a Fertile I would not even begin to understand what someone who has to go through treatment is dealing with. Just like I, as a woman with no children (with the possibility of not being able to have my own children) don't understand the emotional complexity of secondary IF. I do try to put it in their perspective, though-it must not be easy to hear about constantly, perhaps it makes perfectly fertile people feel guilty, and I do try not to speak of it too much, unless I'm specifically asked about it. But, how does that help me, emotionally?
Thank God for this blog. Thank God that it led me to people who DO get it, and that it shows that I'm not a freak; that everything I feel is what others feel and is normal.
Anyway, I think that the best advice, for now, is to just put a little bit of distance between us. As to whether or not I'm going to lay it all on the table....I think that, eventually, I will say something, but not now. I need to step back and not let my emotions get in the way of it, because if that happened I'd end up freaking out on her, and that's not what I want to do-I don't want to necessarily end our friendship, but I do want her to know what's going on and how I feel about it. So, all in good time...
I do know that she's being a selfish cow, but I honestly think that it's not intentional-she truly doesn't realize that she's being self-absorbed. Sean thinks that, because of her divorce and dealings with the asshat, she lets herself get worked up and stressed about him and it boils over into her entire life. Which I don't altogether disagree with. She has reflux and has to take Nexium every day, and also had anxiety issues in the past. I've told her that perhaps therapy would help (not in a snide way) with how she deals with things. Whether or not she actually did that is, well......another thing.
In an aside to all this, the twato called her yesterday and told her that her FSH, prolactin and prostaglandin levels are all elevated above normal, which could either be because she's perimenopausal, or possibly an autoimmune disorder, like MS or rheumatoid arthritis. Her uncle (dad's brother) has MS and her dad has RA, so now she's freaking out again, and has to go for more tests........sigh......it doesn't get easier, does it?
So, 9 days until my meeing with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over my FET protocol. I've got lots of questions to ask (I love her, because she loves when you ask LOTS of questions). I did realize that, if all goes according to my cycle, I'll get AF around 7/13-15, which will put my transfer (if we're doing a natural cycle) at around the last days of July. Which was when I had my first FET. The one that got me pregnant. The one that I also miscarried.
Concidence? Perhaps. Does it freak me out? Uh........yeah. But, I can't worry about it. I'm supposed to be "stress-free" this summer (according to Sean-he takes his job very seriously), and I can't let things freak me out.
Not yet, at least.
Thank God for this blog. Thank God that it led me to people who DO get it, and that it shows that I'm not a freak; that everything I feel is what others feel and is normal.
Anyway, I think that the best advice, for now, is to just put a little bit of distance between us. As to whether or not I'm going to lay it all on the table....I think that, eventually, I will say something, but not now. I need to step back and not let my emotions get in the way of it, because if that happened I'd end up freaking out on her, and that's not what I want to do-I don't want to necessarily end our friendship, but I do want her to know what's going on and how I feel about it. So, all in good time...
I do know that she's being a selfish cow, but I honestly think that it's not intentional-she truly doesn't realize that she's being self-absorbed. Sean thinks that, because of her divorce and dealings with the asshat, she lets herself get worked up and stressed about him and it boils over into her entire life. Which I don't altogether disagree with. She has reflux and has to take Nexium every day, and also had anxiety issues in the past. I've told her that perhaps therapy would help (not in a snide way) with how she deals with things. Whether or not she actually did that is, well......another thing.
In an aside to all this, the twato called her yesterday and told her that her FSH, prolactin and prostaglandin levels are all elevated above normal, which could either be because she's perimenopausal, or possibly an autoimmune disorder, like MS or rheumatoid arthritis. Her uncle (dad's brother) has MS and her dad has RA, so now she's freaking out again, and has to go for more tests........sigh......it doesn't get easier, does it?
So, 9 days until my meeing with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over my FET protocol. I've got lots of questions to ask (I love her, because she loves when you ask LOTS of questions). I did realize that, if all goes according to my cycle, I'll get AF around 7/13-15, which will put my transfer (if we're doing a natural cycle) at around the last days of July. Which was when I had my first FET. The one that got me pregnant. The one that I also miscarried.
Concidence? Perhaps. Does it freak me out? Uh........yeah. But, I can't worry about it. I'm supposed to be "stress-free" this summer (according to Sean-he takes his job very seriously), and I can't let things freak me out.
Not yet, at least.
Monday, June 26, 2006
A Slight Dilemma
This is a post that I've been toying with, for a while now. I was unsure about putting it here, because it means dragging up a lot of past shit regarding this person. Suffice it to say, it's gonna be a long one.
Here's the question of the day-how do you deal with Fertiles that don't "get it"-especially when they're a close friend or family member?
My best friend, M, have always told people that we've known each other "since fetus"-our parents knew each other socially even before we were born. We went to part of grammar school together, lived down the street with each other, were in Brownies and Girl Scouts together, talked every day....you get the picture. We were like sisters-she was an only child, I had an annoying little brother (who we both unmercifully teased).
So, when I moved away, at age 14, to rural NJ, it was like seperating conjoined twins. She stayed in the urban area where we grew up, went to Catholic high school, listened to club music and became a guidette (if you don't know what that is, watch any episode of "The Sopranos", and you'll get a perfect visual example)-and I can say that because we're both Italian. My teenage years were the total opposite-I went to public high school in a rural area, where most people wore LL Bean, JCrew and Outback Red clothing-really, it was kind of like being in a John Hughes movie-there were the burnouts, punks, preppies, and tramps-all mixing together. We listened to REM and The Cure, hung out at house parties at the weekend, or partied in open fields with bonfires (and that's when we weren't out cow-tipping....yeah, I tried it). In other words, we were total opposites once we moved our seperate ways, yet we still were best friends.
So, how did we do it? Beats the hell out of me, really. We hung out more in college, since it was closer to her (she didn't go to school right away, and lived at home), were in each other's weddings, and I'm the godmother to her daughter. We've been through it all together-car accidents (when we were 17-she was driving), summers at the Shore, my infertility treatments (where she, being a nurse, did my PIO shots), her marriage and subsequent divorce. But, it seems that, within the past year, there's been a slight growing apart-perhaps I shouldn't call it that. It's more like a situation of not truly understanding.
M got pregnant in October of 2000-in fact, she thinks that she conceived the night of my wedding after being off birth control for a month (well, at least SOMEBODY did, right?). Her daughter was born in July of 2001. We decided to start trying in June of 2002.......and, well, you know the result of that. Throughout this journey of mine, M has tried to be supportive of what I'm going through, but I really think that her status as an already-mother slightly skewed her perception. She couldn't understand why I'd be reluctant to go to her daughter's birthday parties (filled with our friends and their children) or why I wasn't jumping for joy that so-and-so was pregnant for the first, second, or third time.
Now, she was having problems of her own at the time, problems that even her family or I (being her best friend) had no idea of-a husband who was verbally abusive, emotionally uninvolved with both her and her child, irresponsible and lazy. In fact, it wasn't until two years ago that she confessed that they were having big problems and was at her wits end. They tried therapy, but he didn't want to go. They did seperate (in fact, he packed up and left-in front of their daughter-the night they returned from a trip to Disney World....nice guy, huh?) and eventually divorced. Now, that is something that I've never, and hope to never, go through. She went through hell-disentangling their marriage-the new house they bought three months before, child support, who'd get the dog, etc. Unfortunately, she's still has to have contact with him, because of their child, and he can be, well, a self-centered prick-he cares more about working and seeing his girlfriend than when his daughter will be with him. Which doesn't surprise me, really-if it's not about him, it doesn't matter, at least in his eyes.
But, I digress-the point is that M did go through a rough time, and this all ran concurrent with IVF attempt #1, failed FET #1 and part of IVF#2. She would call me and have hour long rants about what a dickhead her ex was, go through every detail of who said what, what the lawyers said, what he's doing/not doing with their daughter. And then, perhaps to seem like she's interested in what's going on with me, she'd ask me what's going on in the infertility front, and I'd tell her. Of course, she wasn't really listening, because the next conversation we'd have, she'd ask the same questions, and some of them are those typical IF questions that we've all heard before.
I now realize that she couldn't emotionally deal with anything at the time, given that she was going through such a messy divorce, and was being self-centered because of that. However, it seems to me as if that self-centerdness is still going on. It's as if I don't rate on the scale because I don't have kids, or that I don't understand because I haven't been through what she's been through. She's also a bit of a control freak, and has had some medical issues due to stress.
Lately, she's been through some gyno issues-she's tested positive for HPV, has had to have some biopsies and a LEEP done. Her twato (who I also go to) told her that if she wanted to have more children, she should try within the next year or so. So now she's obsessed with whether or not she should have more kids, or that she's going through early menopause, because the twato took her off the Pill almost three months ago and her cycles are wacky-she's on day 32 without a period yet. And, she when she calls me she talks constantly about these things, which is starting to really piss me off. In fact, yesterday's conversation about this made me say to her, "look, I think that you're talking to the wrong person about this, because you've got one child already", which shut her up for about one minute, then went on about how she looked up things on Dr. Google and she thinks that she's going through early menopause, because she has hot flashes. And this is from a person who is a registered nurse, people.
Now, I'm really trying to be supportive and to listen to what she's saying, but I think that she's being ridiculous about this. Perhaps she thinks that we now have "common ground" because she now has a gyno issue, but really, it is in no way similar to what I'm going through. She also seems to blow me off an awful lot-like this morning. We were originally planning on doing a trip to the Shore, but it's shitty rain outside. She decides that she has some errands to run, so when I talked to her at 10 this morning, I suggested lunch plans. She hesitated, then said that she thought that sounded good, but that she'd call me while she was on her errands to let me know for sure (a dead giveaway that plans would fall through)-and, subsequently, the phone call came about a half hour ago that she "didn't think that she could meet today, but maybe after her manicure/pedicure tomorrow......", like I'm just another slot in her schedule, squeezed inbetween her nail and chiropractor appointments. When she said that, I replied "Yeah, I figured that you wouldn't be able to, you didn't seem like you could when I asked you"; to which I got the "tomorrow, Plan B" line, and where I then lied and said that I had plans tomorrow. Because I just don't want to deal.
So, my problem is multi-layered-I think that she's being an ass (and I'm not the only one-Sean has noticed it too, and he NEVER says anything negative about people) and really self-absorbed, but do I risk a potential blow-out argument over it? Because, given how I feel, it might happen if I tried to broach the subject. Do I ignore it, or is that like letting her get away with it? Am I being oversensitive, given that she has a child and I'm in what seems to be perpetual baby-limbo? Am I expecting too much from her? Is it worth it, or is it really my problem, not hers?
What would you do?
Here's the question of the day-how do you deal with Fertiles that don't "get it"-especially when they're a close friend or family member?
My best friend, M, have always told people that we've known each other "since fetus"-our parents knew each other socially even before we were born. We went to part of grammar school together, lived down the street with each other, were in Brownies and Girl Scouts together, talked every day....you get the picture. We were like sisters-she was an only child, I had an annoying little brother (who we both unmercifully teased).
So, when I moved away, at age 14, to rural NJ, it was like seperating conjoined twins. She stayed in the urban area where we grew up, went to Catholic high school, listened to club music and became a guidette (if you don't know what that is, watch any episode of "The Sopranos", and you'll get a perfect visual example)-and I can say that because we're both Italian. My teenage years were the total opposite-I went to public high school in a rural area, where most people wore LL Bean, JCrew and Outback Red clothing-really, it was kind of like being in a John Hughes movie-there were the burnouts, punks, preppies, and tramps-all mixing together. We listened to REM and The Cure, hung out at house parties at the weekend, or partied in open fields with bonfires (and that's when we weren't out cow-tipping....yeah, I tried it). In other words, we were total opposites once we moved our seperate ways, yet we still were best friends.
So, how did we do it? Beats the hell out of me, really. We hung out more in college, since it was closer to her (she didn't go to school right away, and lived at home), were in each other's weddings, and I'm the godmother to her daughter. We've been through it all together-car accidents (when we were 17-she was driving), summers at the Shore, my infertility treatments (where she, being a nurse, did my PIO shots), her marriage and subsequent divorce. But, it seems that, within the past year, there's been a slight growing apart-perhaps I shouldn't call it that. It's more like a situation of not truly understanding.
M got pregnant in October of 2000-in fact, she thinks that she conceived the night of my wedding after being off birth control for a month (well, at least SOMEBODY did, right?). Her daughter was born in July of 2001. We decided to start trying in June of 2002.......and, well, you know the result of that. Throughout this journey of mine, M has tried to be supportive of what I'm going through, but I really think that her status as an already-mother slightly skewed her perception. She couldn't understand why I'd be reluctant to go to her daughter's birthday parties (filled with our friends and their children) or why I wasn't jumping for joy that so-and-so was pregnant for the first, second, or third time.
Now, she was having problems of her own at the time, problems that even her family or I (being her best friend) had no idea of-a husband who was verbally abusive, emotionally uninvolved with both her and her child, irresponsible and lazy. In fact, it wasn't until two years ago that she confessed that they were having big problems and was at her wits end. They tried therapy, but he didn't want to go. They did seperate (in fact, he packed up and left-in front of their daughter-the night they returned from a trip to Disney World....nice guy, huh?) and eventually divorced. Now, that is something that I've never, and hope to never, go through. She went through hell-disentangling their marriage-the new house they bought three months before, child support, who'd get the dog, etc. Unfortunately, she's still has to have contact with him, because of their child, and he can be, well, a self-centered prick-he cares more about working and seeing his girlfriend than when his daughter will be with him. Which doesn't surprise me, really-if it's not about him, it doesn't matter, at least in his eyes.
But, I digress-the point is that M did go through a rough time, and this all ran concurrent with IVF attempt #1, failed FET #1 and part of IVF#2. She would call me and have hour long rants about what a dickhead her ex was, go through every detail of who said what, what the lawyers said, what he's doing/not doing with their daughter. And then, perhaps to seem like she's interested in what's going on with me, she'd ask me what's going on in the infertility front, and I'd tell her. Of course, she wasn't really listening, because the next conversation we'd have, she'd ask the same questions, and some of them are those typical IF questions that we've all heard before.
I now realize that she couldn't emotionally deal with anything at the time, given that she was going through such a messy divorce, and was being self-centered because of that. However, it seems to me as if that self-centerdness is still going on. It's as if I don't rate on the scale because I don't have kids, or that I don't understand because I haven't been through what she's been through. She's also a bit of a control freak, and has had some medical issues due to stress.
Lately, she's been through some gyno issues-she's tested positive for HPV, has had to have some biopsies and a LEEP done. Her twato (who I also go to) told her that if she wanted to have more children, she should try within the next year or so. So now she's obsessed with whether or not she should have more kids, or that she's going through early menopause, because the twato took her off the Pill almost three months ago and her cycles are wacky-she's on day 32 without a period yet. And, she when she calls me she talks constantly about these things, which is starting to really piss me off. In fact, yesterday's conversation about this made me say to her, "look, I think that you're talking to the wrong person about this, because you've got one child already", which shut her up for about one minute, then went on about how she looked up things on Dr. Google and she thinks that she's going through early menopause, because she has hot flashes. And this is from a person who is a registered nurse, people.
Now, I'm really trying to be supportive and to listen to what she's saying, but I think that she's being ridiculous about this. Perhaps she thinks that we now have "common ground" because she now has a gyno issue, but really, it is in no way similar to what I'm going through. She also seems to blow me off an awful lot-like this morning. We were originally planning on doing a trip to the Shore, but it's shitty rain outside. She decides that she has some errands to run, so when I talked to her at 10 this morning, I suggested lunch plans. She hesitated, then said that she thought that sounded good, but that she'd call me while she was on her errands to let me know for sure (a dead giveaway that plans would fall through)-and, subsequently, the phone call came about a half hour ago that she "didn't think that she could meet today, but maybe after her manicure/pedicure tomorrow......", like I'm just another slot in her schedule, squeezed inbetween her nail and chiropractor appointments. When she said that, I replied "Yeah, I figured that you wouldn't be able to, you didn't seem like you could when I asked you"; to which I got the "tomorrow, Plan B" line, and where I then lied and said that I had plans tomorrow. Because I just don't want to deal.
So, my problem is multi-layered-I think that she's being an ass (and I'm not the only one-Sean has noticed it too, and he NEVER says anything negative about people) and really self-absorbed, but do I risk a potential blow-out argument over it? Because, given how I feel, it might happen if I tried to broach the subject. Do I ignore it, or is that like letting her get away with it? Am I being oversensitive, given that she has a child and I'm in what seems to be perpetual baby-limbo? Am I expecting too much from her? Is it worth it, or is it really my problem, not hers?
What would you do?
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Poopapalooza, Part Deux
Last night Sean and I went to the uber-swanky Short Hills Mall for a little shopping and dinner (there's a great Italian restaurant there). We are in the process of giving our only bathroom a little facelift-when we moved in (six years ago) we did the absolute basics in there, with the understanding that eventually we'd fix the rest up-and we ran to Restoration Hardware to buy a shower curtain and bath rug. And the bonus-a White Sale-NICE!
We've decided to do the colors in the bathroom in sky blue (with other blues in the same color family added in) and white-adding white beadboard to the wall to cover up the pits the last owners left there when they tore the wall tile down, rip out the 30 year old tile in the tub, get new fixtures,take out the laminate flooring and add tile, put in a new vanity mirror and lights, blah blah blah. I am extremely fortunate that Sean gets a hard-on when doing this stuff-plus, he's so good at it-and since he's doing all the work we can splurge a bit on some things. In fact, the man is downstairs mixing paint to get the right color of blue for the wall (we had leftover blue paint from the original living room that he's doctoring up to make the shade we need)-how did I luck out with such a handy guy?
Well, on the way home after our yummy dinner we had to stop off in the local pharmacy to buy what Sean called my "Pooper Kit"-hemorroid cream, pads and stool softener. Upon finding the correct aisle in the store (of course, it just HAD to be right next to the pharmacy pick-up counter, which was heavily populated at the time), I was amazed at the amount of medications used to treat those little fuckers. There were creams, cooling gels, medicated pads, suppositories, and swabs; all advertising their charms and guaranteeing to shrink, numb, and blast them into oblivion, whist adding oils to protect that delicate area from overdrying. So, I was just standing there, overwhelmed, and NOT about to ask for help. I finally grabbed my two tubes (Preparation H, if you really want to know-one ointment, one cream), found the stool softener (Colace-my mom says that they give it to the patients in her assisted living facility, and well, if the old people can deal with it so can I) and met Sean in the card aisle. I shoved the entire lot into his hands and told him to go and pay at the counter. Payback is a bitch-that's what he gets for making fun of me.......now the nice counter man can think he has a pooper problem.
Anyway, after I got home, I slathered the stuff in the appropriate area, popped a Colace, and went to bed. After breakfast this morning I got the inevitable need to.....well, you know.....and made my way upstairs to the torture chamber....oh, sorry, I meant toilet...and found...........THAT IT ACTUALLY WORKED-WOOT!
We're not out of the woods yet, but no bleeding (was still a little sore), and the lump has definitely shrunken down, so it means that we're on our way.
Now, if only my ute and vah-jay-jay would be as cooperative as my pooper.........*sigh*
We've decided to do the colors in the bathroom in sky blue (with other blues in the same color family added in) and white-adding white beadboard to the wall to cover up the pits the last owners left there when they tore the wall tile down, rip out the 30 year old tile in the tub, get new fixtures,take out the laminate flooring and add tile, put in a new vanity mirror and lights, blah blah blah. I am extremely fortunate that Sean gets a hard-on when doing this stuff-plus, he's so good at it-and since he's doing all the work we can splurge a bit on some things. In fact, the man is downstairs mixing paint to get the right color of blue for the wall (we had leftover blue paint from the original living room that he's doctoring up to make the shade we need)-how did I luck out with such a handy guy?
Well, on the way home after our yummy dinner we had to stop off in the local pharmacy to buy what Sean called my "Pooper Kit"-hemorroid cream, pads and stool softener. Upon finding the correct aisle in the store (of course, it just HAD to be right next to the pharmacy pick-up counter, which was heavily populated at the time), I was amazed at the amount of medications used to treat those little fuckers. There were creams, cooling gels, medicated pads, suppositories, and swabs; all advertising their charms and guaranteeing to shrink, numb, and blast them into oblivion, whist adding oils to protect that delicate area from overdrying. So, I was just standing there, overwhelmed, and NOT about to ask for help. I finally grabbed my two tubes (Preparation H, if you really want to know-one ointment, one cream), found the stool softener (Colace-my mom says that they give it to the patients in her assisted living facility, and well, if the old people can deal with it so can I) and met Sean in the card aisle. I shoved the entire lot into his hands and told him to go and pay at the counter. Payback is a bitch-that's what he gets for making fun of me.......now the nice counter man can think he has a pooper problem.
Anyway, after I got home, I slathered the stuff in the appropriate area, popped a Colace, and went to bed. After breakfast this morning I got the inevitable need to.....well, you know.....and made my way upstairs to the torture chamber....oh, sorry, I meant toilet...and found...........THAT IT ACTUALLY WORKED-WOOT!
We're not out of the woods yet, but no bleeding (was still a little sore), and the lump has definitely shrunken down, so it means that we're on our way.
Now, if only my ute and vah-jay-jay would be as cooperative as my pooper.........*sigh*
Friday, June 23, 2006
(Piles Of) Piles
So, what's a post from me that doesn't have to do with things down in the nether region, right?
Except, this time it's to do with the bunghole, not the poonanny. So, brace yourselves for a little (okay, a LOT) of TMI-
It seems that I have a slight case of....well......it's a bit embarrassing, really........
Hemmorhoids. Piles. Ouch.
It sort of started after Poopapalooza 2006 - I started feeling a little uncomfortable in the pooper region, then, a few days later I realized, as the poop started becoming more solid, that it was sore and kinda hurt. Well, I thought that it healed, but apparently I've not been eating enough fiber in my diet, because the past few days has not been great, defecatingly speaking. This morning's poop revealed some bleeding on the TP, and now my butt is sore.
Here's where the TMI comes in (not like it hasn't been already, right?). I called my mother for a little (moral support) medical advice, and she asked me if I looked down there to see what was going on.........whoa! Ewww......but yeah, I actually had to inspect the area, and there's something down there-not huge, but there. Gross.
According to Dr. Mom, there ain't much I can do for it, besides pain relief (which isn't too bad, really, just annoying at times)-it has to resolve itself. Oh, yeah-and apparently I need more fiber in my diet. So today's food intake included Multi-Grain Cheerios, a toasted whole-wheat roll with peanut butter and some green apple slices.
Not looking forward to the next Poop Fest, that's for damn sure.
'Rroids SUCK.
Except, this time it's to do with the bunghole, not the poonanny. So, brace yourselves for a little (okay, a LOT) of TMI-
It seems that I have a slight case of....well......it's a bit embarrassing, really........
Hemmorhoids. Piles. Ouch.
It sort of started after Poopapalooza 2006 - I started feeling a little uncomfortable in the pooper region, then, a few days later I realized, as the poop started becoming more solid, that it was sore and kinda hurt. Well, I thought that it healed, but apparently I've not been eating enough fiber in my diet, because the past few days has not been great, defecatingly speaking. This morning's poop revealed some bleeding on the TP, and now my butt is sore.
Here's where the TMI comes in (not like it hasn't been already, right?). I called my mother for a little (moral support) medical advice, and she asked me if I looked down there to see what was going on.........whoa! Ewww......but yeah, I actually had to inspect the area, and there's something down there-not huge, but there. Gross.
According to Dr. Mom, there ain't much I can do for it, besides pain relief (which isn't too bad, really, just annoying at times)-it has to resolve itself. Oh, yeah-and apparently I need more fiber in my diet. So today's food intake included Multi-Grain Cheerios, a toasted whole-wheat roll with peanut butter and some green apple slices.
Not looking forward to the next Poop Fest, that's for damn sure.
'Rroids SUCK.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I've Been Sprung!
Yes, it's true.......it's Summer Vacation-I'm officially off for the summer!
Game on-let the babymaking games begin!
Game on-let the babymaking games begin!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Dates (and Other Things)
June 21st--7 days until the end of the school year......
July 10th--27 days until I meet with Dr. Pipsqueak to discuss my FET protocol, and hopefully get a date to transfer something....
As to when I'll get my period, God only knows. I certainly feel the old hag's imminent arrival, with the crampiness (more so than usual, due to that built-up lining), bloating, sore tits and the mega-bitchiness that's cropped up. Let's just hope it's soon, so it won't mess up a potential transfer.
Other than that, I'm tired as all hell. It doesn't help that we had field day at school today, and I spent the day outside in the 85 degree sun, minus a hat (but I did actually remember the sunscreen-woot!). I have so much to do to prepare for the end this year-end of term grades, inventories, achievement certificates to fill out, cleaning, and I am so not in the mood for it. I suppose that the heat has exacerbated the laziness that one would normally feel when the weather gets warm, but I really need to push past that.
Once I've had a little snooze, perhaps I'll get around to doing just that.
July 10th--27 days until I meet with Dr. Pipsqueak to discuss my FET protocol, and hopefully get a date to transfer something....
As to when I'll get my period, God only knows. I certainly feel the old hag's imminent arrival, with the crampiness (more so than usual, due to that built-up lining), bloating, sore tits and the mega-bitchiness that's cropped up. Let's just hope it's soon, so it won't mess up a potential transfer.
Other than that, I'm tired as all hell. It doesn't help that we had field day at school today, and I spent the day outside in the 85 degree sun, minus a hat (but I did actually remember the sunscreen-woot!). I have so much to do to prepare for the end this year-end of term grades, inventories, achievement certificates to fill out, cleaning, and I am so not in the mood for it. I suppose that the heat has exacerbated the laziness that one would normally feel when the weather gets warm, but I really need to push past that.
Once I've had a little snooze, perhaps I'll get around to doing just that.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Ode to Mammaries
Sung to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How large and firm your masses;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
They're as big as the butts of young lasses.
That HCG did make you grow,
When they will shrink, God only knows;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How large and firm your masses.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How perky are your nipples;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
They look like huge unpopped pimples.
They look so pointy, they're always hard,
They're cutting glass and leaving shards;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How perky are your nipples.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
When will you shrink back down?
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
Stop poking out of my gown!
I will not beg, I will not plead,
But if you don't leave, I'll make you bleed.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
When will you shrink back down?
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How large and firm your masses;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
They're as big as the butts of young lasses.
That HCG did make you grow,
When they will shrink, God only knows;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How large and firm your masses.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How perky are your nipples;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
They look like huge unpopped pimples.
They look so pointy, they're always hard,
They're cutting glass and leaving shards;
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
How perky are your nipples.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
When will you shrink back down?
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
Stop poking out of my gown!
I will not beg, I will not plead,
But if you don't leave, I'll make you bleed.
O Mammaries, O Mammaries,
When will you shrink back down?
All Is Well
Thanks for the support-you girls are awesome.
The bloodwork came back-no problems. In fact, it came back better than the previous day. They'll get the urine results today sometime, but I haven't had a high fever since early yesterday morning (101.1), so I'm sure that it will come back with no problems. No squitters either. My sphinter is quite happy with that, as you can imagine. The only thing that sucks was the dildocam and internal Dr. Pipsqueak gave me-jaysus, that hurt! But, she had to see if either of my ovaries were enlarged or tender (which they aren't-just my poonanny), and she was really nice about it and did apologize, so I won't hold it against her.
This morning, I had what could be called a glorious defecating experience. Not to gross anyone out, but it was in one piece, slid out easily and was looong-like,so long it was one of those sticking-up-out-of-the-toiletwater-kinda shits. Hey, it's better than water pouring out of your butt, right?
C'mon-don't tell me you don't talk about your poops. M and I only really talk on the phone when we're on the bowl-for some reason, whenever we get on the telephone, one (or both) of us get a sudden urge to shit, and we're not about to wrap up our scintillating conversation (usually about the white-trashiness of her fuckwad ex-husband) to do our business. We both rejoiced as pre-teens when cordless phones were invented and accessible-we didn't have to hear our mothers curse and yell at us when they inevitably tripped over the extra-long phone wire that snaked across the hallway and under the closed bathroom door.
So, yeah, all is well. I'm just staying home again today (why go in for one day; and, anyway, they won't let you back to school unless you've been fever-free for 24 hours) as a precaution, but I feel great. I even weighed myself and I lost 4 pounds-woot! 10 more to go and I'll be a hottie. Now I just need to make an appointment for the follow-up, wait for Aunt Flo to make her appearance (won't be fun, I'm sure-my lining yesterday was still over 7mm) and prepare for my FET. I feel much more optomistic now, like perhaps this will work out.
Of course, it's probably that bitch Hope (as well as the HCG still lingering in my bloodstream) working her white voodoo on me, but , for now, it's okay-I'll allow it.
The bloodwork came back-no problems. In fact, it came back better than the previous day. They'll get the urine results today sometime, but I haven't had a high fever since early yesterday morning (101.1), so I'm sure that it will come back with no problems. No squitters either. My sphinter is quite happy with that, as you can imagine. The only thing that sucks was the dildocam and internal Dr. Pipsqueak gave me-jaysus, that hurt! But, she had to see if either of my ovaries were enlarged or tender (which they aren't-just my poonanny), and she was really nice about it and did apologize, so I won't hold it against her.
This morning, I had what could be called a glorious defecating experience. Not to gross anyone out, but it was in one piece, slid out easily and was looong-like,so long it was one of those sticking-up-out-of-the-toiletwater-kinda shits. Hey, it's better than water pouring out of your butt, right?
C'mon-don't tell me you don't talk about your poops. M and I only really talk on the phone when we're on the bowl-for some reason, whenever we get on the telephone, one (or both) of us get a sudden urge to shit, and we're not about to wrap up our scintillating conversation (usually about the white-trashiness of her fuckwad ex-husband) to do our business. We both rejoiced as pre-teens when cordless phones were invented and accessible-we didn't have to hear our mothers curse and yell at us when they inevitably tripped over the extra-long phone wire that snaked across the hallway and under the closed bathroom door.
So, yeah, all is well. I'm just staying home again today (why go in for one day; and, anyway, they won't let you back to school unless you've been fever-free for 24 hours) as a precaution, but I feel great. I even weighed myself and I lost 4 pounds-woot! 10 more to go and I'll be a hottie. Now I just need to make an appointment for the follow-up, wait for Aunt Flo to make her appearance (won't be fun, I'm sure-my lining yesterday was still over 7mm) and prepare for my FET. I feel much more optomistic now, like perhaps this will work out.
Of course, it's probably that bitch Hope (as well as the HCG still lingering in my bloodstream) working her white voodoo on me, but , for now, it's okay-I'll allow it.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Running Grrl.........Literally
Hyperstim check went okay. Came home and tried to veg, then realized that I had to go......you know, go. Have had the squitters since then, as well as a fever, and achiness in my lower back and pelvis.
SHIT. Called Nurse Blondie, who called me back and said to make sure that I take lots of Tylenol and push fluids, and if my temp went higher to call back.
She then called again, 45 minutes later, saying that she talked to Dr. Pipsqueak, who wants me in at 8:30 tomorrow morning for an exam, bloodwork and a pee test.
Fuck. Why now? Why get sick now?
I really hope I don't have an infection, because then my ass will get admitted, and we all know that will be no fun for S.
I'll update more tomorrow, after the appointment.
SHIT. Called Nurse Blondie, who called me back and said to make sure that I take lots of Tylenol and push fluids, and if my temp went higher to call back.
She then called again, 45 minutes later, saying that she talked to Dr. Pipsqueak, who wants me in at 8:30 tomorrow morning for an exam, bloodwork and a pee test.
Fuck. Why now? Why get sick now?
I really hope I don't have an infection, because then my ass will get admitted, and we all know that will be no fun for S.
I'll update more tomorrow, after the appointment.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
And The Winner's Are......
Okay, out of 34 eggs, 22 of them fertilized. 13 were already frozen, and the remaining 9 are being cultivated to 3 day stage, then will be cryopreserved as well.
Holy motherfucking shite. As of today, I have 22 embryos.
I've been hoping that I'd never have to do another ER again. By the looks of this, somebody actually heard my prayers.
I'm feeling a bit better, although I am still bloated, but at least I'm not in as much pain as I was yesterday. Definitely sore, but not in pain. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I might just take another day, considering. I also have my OHSS check tomorrow morning, so I can just go and then come home and take it easy.
22 embryos. I have 22 embryos.
Holy motherfucking shite. As of today, I have 22 embryos.
I've been hoping that I'd never have to do another ER again. By the looks of this, somebody actually heard my prayers.
I'm feeling a bit better, although I am still bloated, but at least I'm not in as much pain as I was yesterday. Definitely sore, but not in pain. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I might just take another day, considering. I also have my OHSS check tomorrow morning, so I can just go and then come home and take it easy.
22 embryos. I have 22 embryos.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Still Alive
ER went well. Am very sore. VERY sore. And bloated.
34 eggs were retrieved. Holy shit-that's more than my first two attempts put together. As to whether there were 34 mature eggs, we'll find out tomorrow, before they're all frozen.
Barfed at the hospital, after they gave me 50mcg of Fentanyl-apparently I was in a lot of pain afterwards (gee........can't imagine why). Nice nursey had to clean the sick out of my hair. Ewww.....at least the curtain was closed.
That's all for now. I'll post more when I hear about the fertilization report.
Need to take drugs now.
34 eggs were retrieved. Holy shit-that's more than my first two attempts put together. As to whether there were 34 mature eggs, we'll find out tomorrow, before they're all frozen.
Barfed at the hospital, after they gave me 50mcg of Fentanyl-apparently I was in a lot of pain afterwards (gee........can't imagine why). Nice nursey had to clean the sick out of my hair. Ewww.....at least the curtain was closed.
That's all for now. I'll post more when I hear about the fertilization report.
Need to take drugs now.
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