172,800 Seconds

That's the wait time until I start stims for this cycle.  For the Mathmatically Challenged, that's two days, y'all.

I still can't believe that I'm crazy enough to do this, and that this is really happening, but here it goes.  I stopped my last BCP on Saturday night, got the Migraine From Hell today, which is my usual main symptom before I journey into Hell get AF.   I go in for a follicle check on Thursday (which is also my mom's birthday) and if I'm clear......away we go!

This cycle feels weird to me, and not just because it's so unexpected.  Part of it is the unfamiliar antagonist protocol (as opposed to the agonist-AKA "Long Lupron") protocol-I've never used Menopur; although it seems pretty straightforward, I'm having a little anxiety in having to daily mix the vials up-luckily I'm only on one vial (or 75IU) a day, along with 50 IU of Follistim daily.  Plus, despite the fact that I'm a regular at the IVF Bar and Grille, the Menopur needles freak me out a little.  At least there are these cool little things called Q-caps that are for the reconstitution of the powder, which is cool and eliminates the whole "OMGWTF I just stuck myself in the finger" scenario that likes to replay in my head. 

I'm also a little freaked out since I'm what you call an "overachiever" in the follicle department-I know that this protocol is typically used for slow responders, and I'm scared that I'll get OHSS again.  Of course, I know that this really isn't going to happen, since they're going to watch me like a paparazzo at the Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart residence, but still.....hyperstimming ain't really that much fun.  Especially when you've been busting your ass at the gym and want to enjoy the last bit of the summer without people asking when you're due, when you're not even sure if you're knocked up yet.  Yah.....good times!


At least, as Thalia pointed out in my last post, it's going to go quickly.  The Long Lupron protocol is....well....LONG.  Like you wonder if you're in that movie Groundhog Day long.  This seems so much easier and less time-consuming, since you're knocking about two weeks off the process.  Hopefully with this protocol change I might not only make a good amount of eggs (which I and the RE is certain I will), but that they might more than likely be "good" eggs.  I did a little research on the supplement front, and I've found some data that using CoQ10 and melatonin is showing some preliminary positive signs of bettering egg quality.  Of course you're supposed to start these 3 months before cycling for maximum effect, but I started taking them last week.  The CoQ10 is taken at a pretty high dose (600-800 mg/day) but also has to be taken with a fat for better absorption, which is working out great with that fertility diet that I read.  The melatonin is 3mg/nightly, and both are taken up until retrieval.  Apparently, from what I've read, we lose both as we age, and it affects us from the cellular level, and CoQ10 especially seems supposedly helpful from everything to better heart health to migraine relief, and if it can't hurt, why the hell not try it-I've really got nothing to lose at this point.

But.....we have everything to gain.

Plans and Open Windows

Wow....to say the words "thank you" for all the kind posts in the aftermath of this seems so paltry and insignificant compared to what I've read.  To be honest, I didn't even think that people were still reading this-most of the people.....okay, 99.9% of the people who started this journey with me have crossed over into the Parenthood Realm, so I totally get that it's hard to relate to someone who's still struggling with infertility, because it's in the past.  I'm not saying that to be weird or judgmental in any way, but let's face it.....it's pretty much true.  And it doesn't offend me in the least-it's just the way it is.

But, there ARE people reading.  And I feel like the infertility little old lady compared to some of you out there, especially if you're still early on in this madness.  Trust me-not everyone ends up like me or has my story.  The majority of people who go through this end up successful.  I'm just the freak case, so please don't think that if your first or second attempt at ART fails then you're a failure.  Because you're not.

I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone.  It may not be exactly as you've dreamed, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will happen.  If anything on this crazy journey, I've learned not only perseverance, but also patience.

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So, what's been going on in the month since our BFN, you're wondering?  Well.....sit down for this one, kids......

Remember what I just said about God having plans for everyone?  Well, I was a hot holy mess the day of and the day after the beta.  Like just awful, which was expected considering the news.  To be honest, Sean and are REALLY GOOD at the BFN Post-Mortem, since we've had them a gazillion times.  My good friend (and fellow IF'er with a beautiful baby girl) called on beta day after I found out and I just lost it on the phone.  She's a Good Catholic Girl and is a big believer in faith, since it got her through the years that they were trying.  She told me that she really feels that God has a plan and that things will work out for us.  Of course, as helpful and caring as she was trying to be, I wasn't really buying it, because I was in negative beta hell.  But, I did (and do) appreciate the support so I knew it was coming from a place of love.

So, Thursday rolls around and I'm sitting at the computer, alternating between looking up job postings and Googling "Why Donor IVF Cycles Fail" when the phone rings.  The number that pops up is main number of the hospital that BIC is affiliated with.  I almost didn't answer it, because I thought it was my friend M trying to check in (she works there now), but something told me to pick up the phone.

When I did.....it was Dr. Pipsqueak calling.  WTF....she NEVER calls herself-it's usually the nurse or coordinator calling. So, that in itself was unusual.  She said that she was so sorry that the cycle failed that that everyone in the office and the embryology lab are devastated that we didn't end up with a pregnancy or embryos to freeze.  She told me that she met with the embryologist and went through every one of my cycles in detail, and he (the embryologist) feels that, with the technology improvements in the lab and with the PGD technology, I should attempt a cycle with my own eggs.  He told Dr. Pipsqueak that he felt that I was a good candidate for something called micro-array CGH, which wasn't available yet when we did the cycle with my own eggs 18 months ago.  In fact, the US study results wasn't published until last February, not long after Lone Embryo ended up as another BFN.

Well, of course I had questions, since we were told that my eggs are basically more scrambled than a Denny's Western Omelet special, so it was obvious that we were going to have to go in for a meeting with her and the embryologist.  However, there is that pesky fly in the ointment-namely, that I don't have health coverage right now due to that stupid little detail called unemployment, so a cycle either with my own eggs or Lady Gaga's ain't in the cards for a while, if ever.

Here's the kicker, though.......ready for this?  I swear, you're going to shit yourselves, so make sure you're somewhere you won't be arrested for pulling a Bridesmaids crap-fest.

Dr Pipsqueak informed me that, whether we decide to use my own eggs or another donor's, the cycle, INCLUDING MEDS, will be funded through the clinic.  We would only pay for a donor's compensation fee if we decide that route; if we use my eggs the cycle would be 100% covered through a research trial of the new procedure.

Did you shit yourselves yet???  Check your panties...because I SURE DID after THAT statement.

We went for an appointment on the 10th to meet with Dr. P and the embryologist, who explained the entire procedure in detail, and why he felt that we were good candidates.  I also had to update my Recurrent Loss Panel and a few other tests, since I insisted that if we were going to go through this with my own eggs, I wanted to make sure that there was no other factors going on that would make this not work in our favor, which they agreed with.  They also wanted me to get this book that advocates a low-GI diet which they said that they're finding some success with, and I've done my own research and will try some supplements for egg quality as well (so far, I'm reading about CoQ10 and Melatonin, but if anyone out there has other suggestions as well....bring them on)-I figure that it can't hurt, right?

They're going to try an antagonist protocol this time, which I've never had before.  Even though in past cycles I've been a great responder, I suppose with my age they want to make sure that I get enough eggs for biopsy (even though they're retesting my AMH, which was great last year).  So, that's going to take getting used to, but it actually seems a little easier than the Long Lupron one. So, after talking with them, signing a gazillion consent forms, bloodwork and OCP 'scripts, we got my bag of meds and were on our way.  Literally.

I can't even believe that I'm even SAYING this, but it looks like we're back in the game.  With my own eggs, which is so insane I'm still having a problem wrapping my brain around it.  And, it will be soon, since I got AF yesterday-I go in for CD bloodwork tomorrow morning, and then hopefully will start OCP and get the SHG and we'll get this party started after the lab opens up in a few weeks.

Holy motherfucking shit.

You know how, when shitty things happen that you just can't get, and people say (with the best of intentions, of course), "Don't worry, when God closes a door, He always leaves a window open"?  Well......he sure left a big-ass one open for me.  And it's something that I will always, no matter what happens from here, be grateful for.

Worse Case Scenario

BFN.  No embryos made it to freeze.

I think that it's safe to say that my journey is, unwillingly, over.

11dp3dt-The Day Of Reckoning

Tested again this morning-still BFN. For the first time in all these years of IF treatment, I actually seriously thought about not going in for the beta draw-I mean, why make it worse? But, since I'm a medical follow-the-rules girl, I did it anyway, as well as take my morning Estrace dose.
I can't stop crying. Three mornings in a row now. Fucking stupid hormones. Fucking stupid HPT's.
Still have yet to hear in regards to the state of the 11 embryos that were being watched. Hopefully no news is good news, but I'm sure I'll find that out today too.
Worse case scenario-BFN beta and no embryos left. Since I have no job with insurance benefits that would cover a DE cycle, no money to self-pay and Sean's benefits are exhausted, that means we're done.
"So-So" scenario-BFN beta but we have frozen embryos to do a FET.
Best case scenario-well....you can figure that one out.
I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for at least so-so.
I really think that "best case" isn't an option.
Why me?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10dp3dt-Snow White and the F'd Up HPT

Okay, we're at the "shit or get off the pot" point of the 2WW.  Am I, or aren't I pregnant?

Boobs started getting sore yesterday, and I was SUPER crampy for about a half hour.  I've basically been lightly crampy and achy and having a full, swollen feeling in the ute area since the transfer, but the cramps yesterday were the strongest so far.  It's almost like I can FEEL my uterus from the inside, but how the hell can that be?  And the cramps are low down toward the pubic bone and are shooting into the leg.  Huh?

Um......let's see what else?  Oh, YEAH.....this is a completely weird and slightly gross thing that's never happened before in ANY cycle I've done, but....well.....how do I put it....

My pee smells funny.  Like after you eat asparagus.  But I haven't eaten asparagus in WEEKS.  WTF?

So I'm still testing, and it still looks BFN.  But, then again, I used up the FRER's right away and am using these generic EPT ones, which I think might be a bad idea since they aren't usually as sensitive as the FRER.  So, OF COURSE I'm going to waste more $$ today and cave for the FRER, because I'm a glutton for punishment and need to torture myself before tomorrow's beta.

And also, because I still have a glimmer of hope that it's a late implanter and I'm actually the "P" word.  You'd think, after a gazillion transfers (I think that I'm on to lucky number 10 by now), that I'd be hardened to this, but no.....the anxiety and hope and fear are all still very much there, jockeying for position as Emotion Number One on my list.

I'm rooting for number two on that list.  'Cause that's the only one that really matters.

------------------------------------

On the bird front-the babies "fledged", or left the nest on Saturday for good. The babies started flying on Thursday or Friday. We were a little sad and of course Captain Anxiety took hold and told me that it was a sign that the cycle was a bust.

But then, this morning, the adults were back.  Or maybe it's a new pair-they all look the same to me.

Building ANOTHER nest in the neighboring flower box.  What in the hell does THAT mean, that this is a sign that the cycle worked, or we're the most popular Dove Luxury Hotel?  AAAAAHHH!

7dp3dt-Let the Obsessing Begin!

Well, it's 7dp3dt (or 10 dpo, whatever phrase tickles your fancy).  Let's check off the symptoms I have so far that may or may not be termed as "pregnancy signs", shall we?

*tired-must nap daily or else I am a Screaming She-Bitch.
*slight dizziness.
*queasiness-think of how your stomach feels when you're a little hung over, like it's constantly turning over.
*weird taste in the back of my mouth/throat-I wouldn't call it metallic, per se, but odd.
*hunger-like I'm about to eat my arm off if I don't consume something every 3-4 hours.
*odd feeling in sternum-maybe slight heartburn, but it feels like that burny sensation you might get in your gut if you haven't eaten, which, trust me.....is far from the case in this situation (see the last symptom).
*crampy off and on- it always feels like my bladder is either slightly full or is pressing on my ute, but it's basically felt like that since the transfer.
*frequent urination, or feeling like I have to go. I'd make a WONDERFUL spokesperson for Depends-move over, Lisa Rinna, you've got competition!
*bloated-my usual MO, but not "can't zip my pants OMGIAMAFATCOW" bloated.
*veiny boobs (or what Sean calls "angry boobs")-not sensitive, but definitely "fuller" feeling.
*wicked headache- only one so far, but pressure in my head/sore neck muscles....could be the usual allergies, or it could be that I'm being a lazy bitch and am lying on the couch watching "The Chew" too much.

*emotional/anxious/hormonal-I teared up at a promo commercial of "Extreme Makeover:  Weight Loss Edition" yesterday, which might gauge the extent of the madness.
*extreme sense of smell-I usually have this anyway without IVF (I can smell bad food in the fridge from the living room couch), but Sean ate my leftover risotto last night and it turned my stomach.  I also could tell when he took the trash out last night by the sudden smell coming from the kitchen.

Signs of pregnancy, or progesterone working it's "magic" on me?  Who knows.  All I know is that I've been here waaaaay too many times before to start freaking out as to what's going on in there.

BTW......I HATE PIO.  Hate hate hate would rather have all my teeth pulled out without anesthesia hate.  I have a nice lump the size of a walnut on my left ass-cheek, courtesy of PIO (yaaaay!), which itches and is also bruised as well.  It makes injecting on that side oh-so-dreamy.  I've been trying to walk, apply heat, topical cortisone, but nothing seems to work. 

Now, I'm SURE you're wondering if I've started using the Evil Pee Sticks of DOOOOOOM yet, and I will be honest-yes.  I've tested yesterday and today and nothing yet (unless you count the evap line that I think I see).  Yes, I know it's technically too early, and yes, I also know that I'm starting the slow obsessive descent into madness that this stage of the 2WW brings, but fuck it-I will fully admit that I'm addicted.  Only one a day, though, because those HPT's are EXPENSIVE!  See, there IS an upside to being unemployed!

Seriously, though...I'm tired and ready to figure out what's going on.  This is the part of the wait that is the longest and the part of the whole process that sucks the most. 

Four more days, and we'll know-one way, or the other.

Nesting@www.2dp3dt.com

Friday was transfer day.  Although I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a phone call in the morning moving it up to a 5 day (because I like to be an over-achiever), it wasn't for a bad reason.

Out of the 16 originally fertilized, 13 were still hanging out by day 3.  They transferred the two best of the bunch (I'm assuming)-a 12 cell and an 8 cell.  The remaining ones are going to be watched until I suppose today or tomorrow, and they'll cryo the ones they think make the cut.

A lot like "American Idol", right?  Or maybe "America's Next Top Model", minus the catfights and eating nothing but lettuce leaves and having to "smize" constantly.

Oh, yeah.....transfer!

So, I was the first transfer of the afternoon (they do retrievals in the mornings/transfers in the afternoons), which was a first for me.  I go in, change, get in the pre-op recliner, get my vitals taken and am sitting there with Sean when I hear my name being called by a little Filipino woman.  She's a nurse there (been there for 5 years), has been post-op at all my transfers and previously worked at the clinic where I had my first IVF cycle with Dr. Vest (where he basically almost killed me, but pffft....whatever), so we know each other pretty well at this point, since I have the IVF Frequent Flyer Card that entitles me to an all-access pass to nursing and scientific staff.  Anyway, she comes up to me and gives me a big hug, saying that she saw my name on the patient list for the day and she was so happy to see me.  I asked her if she was working post-procedure again, and she informed me that she would be the nurse in the procedure room with me.  So, of course I had to let her know that she was going to be my good luck charm-she's just so sweet and funny.  Luckily she didn't make me laugh too much or else I'd have wet myself, what with all the water I drank beforehand (did I mention about that over-achieving thing?)

I then spent the rest of the time waiting for the doctor by taking my little paper surgical cap and making it into different shapes and then trying to keep it on my head, saying that I was practicing for my chapeau for next year's Kentucky Derby.  Sean, of course, was not amused, although I was having a hell of a great time.  No anesthesia either, folks-see, you don't need drugs for a good time!

So, the doc came in, explained the goods and escorted me down the hall to the operating room where they do the retrievals/transfers, where I saw another old buddy of mine embryologist that I've had previous transfers with.  She went through the procedure with me, they prepped me, and off we went.

I've been a lazy shit ever since-I actually went grocery shopping today, but made Sean carry the heavy bags, even though I'm really not a weakling.  I'd really like to get back to the exercise routine by the end of the week-although the post-transfer instructions say not to do anything that will raise your body temp, my nurse said that it really was fine since my ovaries aren't stimulated-as long as I stay out of really strenuous stuff I should be okay.  Anyone out there have any feedback or experiences on exercising after a DE transfer/FET?

Tomorrow I get to go to do my two-day civic duty at the local courthouse and I'm really REALLY hoping I don't get chosen for a jury-can progeste-rage count as an excuse?  Hormonal psychosis?  Ugh....maybe if I just stare creepily at the lawyers and chew my hair they'll let me go home-no harm, no foul.  Here's for hoping they think I'm a wack-a-doo!

So, there we are-we've got two in there, and a decent chance of something happening.  Let's hope luck is finally on our side.

Pick Of The Litter

Fert report is in!

She had 22 eggs retrieved yesterday, with 17 of them being mature.  As of today, 16 have fertilized and are chugging along. 

16.  Holy motherfucking shit, it's like a Little League team.  My donor truly is the original Ovarian Rock Star.

Transfer set for Friday afternoon at 1:30, but there's a good possibility that will be pushed to a day 5 (Sunday), given the number of embryos and the fact that her last cycle had a 5 day transfer.

Wow.  For the first time I am so SO excited.  We finally have an even playing field! 

Bring on the H2O bitches-I'm ready!

We Have Liftoff!!

I peeked at the nest on Friday and saw.....

Aren't they adorable!?  And it's a little appropriate right now since....

We got the phone call this morning-our donor is doing her HCG trigger tonight, with retrieval Tuesday morning.  We'll get the fert report the next day, and then play the transfer by ear (it's set for Friday, which is day 3, but on her last cycle she made to a 5 day, so it's very possible we'll be told to come in for a Sunday transfer).  So here I am trying to get my thank-you card and gift together to bring up tomorrow, because I want to make sure she gets it on Tuesday.

Question for those of you who did DE-did you go to the retrieval with your spouse/partner?  I'd like to, in case of any insurance issues, since I'm the one who deals with insurance, but I don't want to potentially see the donor (I saw her picture only once, but just in case).  Thoughts?

We're on our way! 

Um, Really?

Look at what I noticed on my Estrace bottle this morning...

Yeah, that about sums everything up, doesn't it?

Lining's looking good, donor started her meds this past Friday and is apparently an Ovarian Rock Star, because we might have a retrieval this Friday instead of next Monday or Tuesday.

Holy shit.  This is actually happening!

...And A Partridge In A Flower Box

Last Monday, (the day I started chemically starving my ovaries Lupron) I noticed an odd thing outside my bedroom window.  The day before we put up new shutters (well, we've had them in the basement for four years, but we just got around to painting and installing them) and added our usual flower boxes underneath the windows.  Our bedroom faces the street, so it gets lots of sun and we like to look at something pretty as the summer progresses.  On Monday morning, I saw a bird sitting in the flower box.  Just sitting there.  Staring at me:

Awwww, I thought, isn't that cute?  And, in all the years that we've put up these window boxes, I've never, EVER, seen a bird sitting there!  And, just staring at me?  Weird!

I had no idea at the time what kind of a bird it was-it wasn't a pigeon, was too large for a sparrow, definitely wasn't a crow.  But, it was odd that it wasn't afraid of me, that it wasn't getting spooked and flying away.

The bird finally did fly away, and I saw this:

Looks like the beginning of a nest, doesn't it?

Sean and I watched, fascinated, as every day the birds kept building the nest (yes, there are two birds involved in this one).  There's even a bit of blue landscape tie in the midst of all these twigs and grass blades.  Sean was a little worried that either the cats would freak them out or that we now can't open our bedroom windows or that the concept of watering the flowers is now kaput.  But I was engrossed in this process.

So, starting on Friday the bird (birds?) didn't leave the nest.  Just sitting there again.   And, on Saturday we finally saw THIS:

Yup, two little eggs.  Sean figured out, finally that they were mourning doves, which are common around here, and we did (okay, I did) some research.  They're monogamous birds, both parents incubate (mom at night and early morning, dad during the day) and feed the hatchlings something called crop milk, which they produce in their upper digestive tract.  We can tell the difference between male and female now, because the male has these cool iridescent feathers along the back of his neck and head.  The babies should be hatching within the next 5 days or so.  The not-so-cool part?  Doves tend to rebuild nests in the same place if they feel secure and can have up to 6 broods a year.  We might be screwed on the flower front, at least this summer.

Now, I'm totally not trying to read into this, but really?  Doves building and incubating a nest THE DAY I START LUPRON?  Symbolism, perhaps, or just coincidence?  I'm going with symbolic, seriously, because why now, after all this time?  I have never had something like this coincidentally happen before.  I mean, look at the symbolism of the dove to begin with -peace, faith and hope.  Because doves form pair bonds, they're common symbols of love, specifically marital love, and are mentioned in the Old Testament (Song of Solomon, 2:10-12, which is used frequently in Christian marriage ceremony readings) In ancient Christian tradition the dove is a symbol of mothers and motherhood, specifically the Virgin Mary.  Many people see doves as the reminders that miracles are still possible.  In Hinduism, doves are seen as messengers from the divine.

Should I still see this as symbolism or just a weird coincidence?  Should I not even think of it at all so I don't drive myself even more insane than these hormones are already making me?  I don't know.

All I know is that it makes me happy to see this right now.  And, I'm just going to go with that.

Slumbering Ovaries

Well, hello there Lupron.......I know it's been awhile, but you were kind of a shitty house guest to begin with, and I see that this time is NO DIFFERENT.

Ugh.  Yep, we "officially" began our DE cycle yesterday, after being told that my ovaries are cold and dead suppressed and I swear that I'm already feeling the side effects (combined with the three months of birth control pills, and....well, you get the drift).  Can't wait to add the Estrace into the mix on Sunday-good times!  Whoo-hoo!

I'm glad to be moving forward, finally-we were put on hold because there was a chance that I'd be working (and have 100% coverage for the cycle), but Urban School District apparently has "take your sweet-ass time" as part of their hiring process, so we decided to move forward regardless.  I mean, if you interview and seven weeks later have still heard nothing (and was told that I'd "just have to wait" as an answer when following up), then perhaps it's not the district for me.  I do have an interview on Friday (in the district where I got my first teaching job), so we'll see if that pans out better than the last one.  Hopefully I won't be in the throes of the Great Lupron Bleed-Out for it, but you never know.  Yah!  GREAT times!!

Strap yourselves in-we're in for it now!

I Really Wasn't Kidding In That Last Post.....

About the Sock Fairy (aka my disgusting husband) leaving dirty socks on the floor, not unlike Hansel and Gretel leaving a bread crumb trail to make it home.....minus the fact that bread doesn't smell like rancid cave-aged cheese that's been fermenting in cotton for hours on end.

The proof is below.  This was the only clear shot that I got, unfortunately.  The other ones had the cats cautiously going up to sniff them, then running away crazed as if they bit them on the ass.  Hell, they probably HAD bit them, for all I know-those bad boys can probably get up and walk all on their own.

Hopefully #370 will balance out the insanity.  Please.

370

370.

It's just a number, right?  It could be anything-how many dusty pennies are rolling around in your car, the oven temp you need to set to make those yummy and not-really-helping-the-diet chocolate chip cookies you bought in that sugar low you were conveniently having at the supermarket, the amount of time in seconds it took to yell at your husband for leaving his dirty socks YET AGAIN on the floor in the living room.  Just three little numbers.

Not for us.

It's our donor's number.  Our match.  The person we've been waiting for.  And she's everything that we could have hoped for in a match.  No, she doesn't look exactly like me (and who will, really) but she looks like she could be related to me, and she's a proven donor.  When I got the call to come in and look at the pictures (we get to see pictures if the donor allows) that she sent in I felt an indescribable calm, like I knew that this was the person and that this would all work out.  And it was definitely worth the wait.

Ask, and you shall receive.

We're on our way, bitches!  BOO-YA!

Waiting

Waiting is all I seem to do lately.

Wait for a call for a job interview.  Wait for a call afterwards for a job offer (on the occasions that I DO get an interview).  Wait for another rejection letter or just no response from a prospective employer.

Wait for a donor profile to come our way.

Waiting sucks.  But, it's teaching me to have more patience, to realize that sometimes the good things that happen in life are the ones worth waiting for, and that I can't force something to happen that's not quite ready to occur.

I still hate waiting, though.  We're on to month 5 in the Donor Match Extravaganza.  Back in September we had to fill out a 10 page document about ourselves, our personalities, physical characteristics, what we want in a donor in terms of physical characteristics and personality, and attach some pictures (which was GREAT for my self-esteem since I'm really not at my physical best).  We met with the psychologist who is in charge of the matching procedure to talk about the psychosocial issues that go along with using a donor (ie. do we tell a child, and if so, when, how to deal with family, etc.), although I did think initially it was to make sure that we hadn't boarded the whackadoo bus and decided on a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.  Although, if this waiting game continues, I might just have to consider it.....
 
The only way I can describe this point of the process is that it's a lot like getting picked for the kickball team when you're in elementary school.  As the months go by with no call, it feels a lot like being one of the last two kids left to be chosen for the team-the one who has the crappy reflexes or who can't run fast enough.  I keep trying to tell myself that the longer we wait, the better the match will be, but the feeling that perhaps they won't find a match (which I know is irrational, but who said any of this is rational to begin with?) still tries to grab hold of your psyche.  That is the danger of this whole waiting game-that maybe it's going to be too hard to find someone appropriate, and I can't let myself get freaked out with the "what if's".  It's shitty enough that I'm reevaluating my whole choice in career, given the witch hunt public education is becoming around here (although NJ isn't the only state to do this), but the thought of a "corporate" job makes my stomach heave-I hated it the first time around before I figured out what I wanted to do and started teaching.  Again, this is one of the things that I can't change right now, as much as I badly want to.

Just breathe, I tell myself.  If the wheel turns down toward the ground, it must go back up again towards the sun.

Did I mention that I hate waiting?

Housekeeping

Hey there.  Yes, you. 

Hi.

I'm still plugging along. There's been a lot going on here, so let's give you the run-down:

1. Mom had to do another round of IV chemo (the Femara didn't work), which was a bit of a blow and interfered with her stroke recovery. The only real side effect was that she got extremely dizzy, which made it hard for her to walk. Even though the chemo did shrink the residual cancer that was left in her body, they want to continue it, probably since she's way too high of a risk to have surgery. She's getting her feisty back, though, minus the brashness she once had. It's like mom....light. But she's starting to bust my dad's balls, which is hilarious to see-it's like a ghost of the dynamic that was once in our family, pre-cancer, but a lot softer. I like it and it freaks me out at the same time, to be honest-it's good that there's no more blunt criticisms to constantly deflect but in some ways I feel like she's a completely different person and it's hard to reconcile the "old cynical, defensive, controlling mom" with the "new softer, more emotional mom". Which I guess she is-I'm just having issues with how to deal with it all.

2. I found out in May that my school district wasn't renewing my contract, and therefore I was out of a job. Since I was a few months before being tenured, you might say that reaaalllly sucked ass. Not to mention that the principal tried to use the fact that I had to quit an extracurricular activity that I was scheduled to do because of my winter IVF cycle being pushed back as a reason to let me go. Needless to say, Bitch Mode kicked in and I went to the union rep, informed him (and the county rep) that it was ILLEGAL to put that in a performance review since IF is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act and that if it wasn't removed immediately I would sue the pants off of them. Not that it got me my job back, but they wasted no time in removing it. It's sad-when I got that job I really loved it, until the whole budget/job cutting mess started. Then we got a new superintendent and.....well, let's just say that he was a real douchebag. Add to the fact that my principal isn't yet tenured and.....it's a mess. And to add insult to injury, my job was advertised THE NEXT DAY in the state newspaper, so this was planned all along. So, I was sending out resumes like a wild woman, got two interviews (one was the district I left to go to the new school) and never got offered a position. After trolling the board minutes to the schools that I applied to, they hired all first-year teachers, so obviously someone like with me who is experienced is screwed. So, what am I doing, you ask? Why, I'm a statistic, of course-on unemployment and hoping that I can find a job for January, otherwise I'll have to start all over again in the spring, and compete with more recent grads and people who've been out of work. Yaaaaay!

3. My Handsome Nephew is....well, he's just SO DAMN HANDSOME!!! He's almost 16 months old now and it's amazing at what a little person he's become. He loves water, has a great smile, likes to be chased and is really into pulling things out of drawers. My brother and SIL were here a month ago and he was just adorable. I'll be visiting them soon so I can get my fix!

4. Had a bit of a shock when I found out from my best friend M that she found a lump on her breast-literally a few days after her annual exam (the lump wasn't there then). So, she went back to the doctor, who sent her for a mammogram (which she hadn't had in a few years), which showed something, so she went to a breast surgeon who did a biopsy, which came up malignant. She had the lumpectomy last week, which confirmed that she had breast cancer, stage 1B. Luckily, it seemed to be small, it was contained so they got it all out, but due to some of the markers coming back she has to do chemo and radiation. Oddly enough, her doc is out of the same hospital that my mom went to (and I go to for Dr. Pipsqueak), so I immediately recommended my mom's oncologist, and she's got an appointment this week. Did I mention that she's 39 and has a 10 year old daughter? And that she's been my friend forever (we joke that we've known each other "since fetus" since our mom's knew one another when pregnant). Yeah. Scary as all fuck. But the good thing is that it was caught early-she had the lumpectomy maybe about two or three weeks after she found the lump initially-and her prognosis is excellent. So remember girls......get your boobies smashed-it doesn't matter if you're young, it can still happen. And there's my PSA for the evening.

5. SkinnyGirl Sangria-wow, there's nothing more I can say about that. Probably because then I'd have to stop drinking it long enough to form a sentence. Yum! Perfect for sitting around the fire pit in the back yard!

6.  I guess it's time to update the blog-out with the old, in with the new.  Since Blogger has moved with the times and I'm still stuck in the dinosaur age, programically speaking (is that even a WORD?  Jeez..), I suppose it's time to update my roll, my template, maybe add a twitter account...who knows what will happen.  I'm gonna go crazy like one of those wacky guidettes at the Jersey Shore on a summer weekend!  Woot!  Fist pump!!

7. Oh, yeah......I'm meeting with Dr. Pipsqueak tomorrow. For a consult. To start a DE cycle. Crazy, ain't it? Sean and I had a long talk about it, and although we were going back and forth on whether or not we should go forward, we were really waiting to see if I'd get my job back full-time. When it was obvious that it wasn't happening, we were about to shelve it completely, since we'd be basically self-pay (our insurance would only cover our portion of the cycle, not anything related to a donor). Then my dad sat us down one day at my parent's house and said that he had a long talk with my mom, grandmother and brother, and they felt that maybe losing my job was meant to happen, since it can potentially give me the opportunity to really focus on starting a family-up until now everything revolved around my job, singing gigs, shows and we really didn't make cycling a priority. We tried to fit it into our lives instead of making it what was most important. And then he handed us a check, for the amount of money that we needed for the cycle. He told us that it was a gift from my grandmother, that one day it would've come to us eventually, but my grandmother wanted to see us try our best to get what we most wanted, and then have the whole family enjoy the potential outcome, before she's gone.

Wow. I never thought the Man Upstairs would have me lose my job to clear the way to a baby, but hey.....I'm just going to go with it-maybe there's something to this. I will get on the ride again and see where it takes me, because I won't ever know what could happen if I don't try, right?

Now, please remind me of what I just wrote when I'm hopped up on hormones and having panic attacks and in IVF hell, donor-egg style. Because I'm going to need all the positive thoughts I can get.

Aftermath

Well, here I am.....again. God, this is getting monotonous, isn't it?

Now that I've gone through the bloodbath that is a post-IVF cycle AF, I've had a little time to process this hot mess, also known as "my reproductive years", and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

All these years of trying, failing, trying again, then failing some more, were not due to my shitty tubes, but more than likely a combo punch of shitty tubes AND shitty (or, as I like to call them, "scrambled") eggs. The hard truth that nothing, NOTHING we did in these last 8 or so years would've mattered, because the likelihood of this working were almost zilch.

Yeah, it's good that we now know what we're dealing with, but I really wish we could've had this news a little earlier than now. Maybe it would've been harder to deal with if we knew this a few years ago, I don't know. I just feel like we wasted so much damn time when there was really no viable chance traditional IVF would have worked for us. I just feel so frustrated about that.

Then, we get into the whole "third-party reproduction" aspect of this. I stand by my earlier post-I'm not opposed to doing DE-IVF. Seriously, if you met some of the members of my family, you'd see that genetics aren't all they're cracked up to be. Sean's big thing that he needs to overcome is that he won't see "me" in a baby, should we do this. He's always had that dream of being able to pick out my genetic traits in our children, but who's to say that would even happen, even if we were able to have kids with my eggs? I'm a walking recessive gene to begin with (lighter hair and blue eyes as opposed to my dark haired/skinned/eyed Italian family), so I know that it's no guarantee. But, now that the dust has settled a little, he's really not opposed to doing it either. He feels a little weird that it's only his genetic makeup that would determine biological parentage, but I pointed out that if we did a traditional adoption it wouldn't look like either one of us.

That's the other thing that has been running around the old homestead lately-how our families would react to this. Surprisingly, my parents are really cool about it (despite no genetic relation to a grandchild should this work). They told us that if this is what we want, we should go for it. Honestly, it's nobody's damn business, except for us and the doctor (and a pediatrician). If we adopted nobody would even question it. Maybe it's a little non-traditional, but hey, so was IVF 30 years ago. I mean, I wouldn't broadcast it to the world, but the people who would need to know would. It's that simple.

Now, on to the shitty news-DE-IVF isn't covered under Sean's plan-his company has self-funded insurance, which means that they are not subject to any mandated coverage in any of the states that they are located (one of which is in IL, which apparently has a good mandate). MY costs would be covered, but not the donor's. Which comes to a price tag of almost $20,000, including the donor and clinic fees. Yeah, not the news we'd been hoping for. Ironically enough, had I not lost my full-time status I WOULD HAVE been covered, under NJ's Family Building Act. Another reason to loathe the way education is now being handled here, but there is a SMALL chance that I might get my job back full-time in the fall, so we might be able to hang on for a bit. It just feels like yet another setback for us, just when we've decided on a new path. And, unfortunately, taking out a loan isn't an option for us right now, what with me not working full-time, we'd probably not qualify. I just feel that sometimes the universe is shitting all over us. Is somebody trying to give us the cosmic hint?

It just really is disheartening-who knew that having a baby would be one the hardest things we'd have to do?

BFN Times....Oh Shit, I've Lost Count.....

Dr Pipsqueak called herself with the news (she told me that Nurse Blondie was so upset that she couldn't give me the results) that it's yet another BFN. She was also really upset on the phone but talked to me for about 20 minutes about the PGD results and different options we now have.

Recommendation? Donor egg or adoption. Yep, the likelihood of using my own eggs to get a baby are kind of like a blizzard in Hawaii. Not happening. I mean, she said that the only way that they'd do a cycle again with my eggs is with PGD, but really....what's the point? I'm not going to suddenly get tons of normal embryos-in fact, what if I ended up with the same stats, or worse, nothing to transfer at all? She thinks that, despite my original diagnosis of tubal factor and overstimming, I should have been pregnant and had babies by now, and this might have really been the problem all along-since I started cycling almost 8 years ago, my eggs were shitty all along. Go figure....I apparently never had a fighting chance, or, as she said: "We've been beating our heads against a brick wall wondering why it didn't work, and now it makes sense". Lovely.

Lots of decisions to make, but they're sending me a donor recipient packet (aren't I lucky that my RE is head of the ovum donor program!) for me to see what it's all about. My clinic apparently has a 60% "take-home baby rate" and 40% of recipients have extra embryos to freeze. Maybe the odds might finally be in my favor?

Hell, my genetic makeup isn't all it's cracked up to be-look at my bipolar crazy aunt and the cancer history in my family. Yes, it SUCKS to think, if we do this, that I won't be able to look into my baby's face and see my family traits there. But really, I just want a child. I don't care if it has my ears, my mother's nose and my dad's hairline.

I'm tired and I'm not getting younger and it's time. I want a baby. If this is the way to get one, then so be it.

9dp4dt-Not Promising

HPT is still negative, as of this morning. The likelihood of this situation ending well sure as hell ain't looking too good, given my track record.

That, and the slight brown stain on the TP I also saw this morning. And the cramps I've been having-just like when AF is coming.

I'll give more of an update tomorrow, once they confirm it.

*sigh*


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

8dp4dt-Obi-wan Lone Embryo

Everything, so far, is okay. I'm trying not to be obsessive, hence the absence of my usual post-transfer dpo Symptom-Watch. Nothing too unusual to report that can't be attributed to the progesterone, except for two things-I've had a wicked headache for two days now (but it's been shitty rainy/snowy here, so it could just be the barometic pressure) that seems to go away when I take a nap, and I've also had this sour/metallic taste in my mouth. It's a bit like licking the inside of a tin can, and nothing I eat really makes it go away, and it's making me salivate like a rabid dog and feel queasy all at the same time. Just lovely, right?

I did cave and POAS'd Tuesday and this morning, and so far, BFN. I'm trying to tell myself that I might not have enough HCG at this point to show on an HPT because we only transferred one, but I might also be deluding myself. It's a crapshoot at this point.

Beta on Friday AM. Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers-definitely keep them coming.

Help me, Obi-Wan Lone Embryo....you're our last hope.