Friday, May 09, 2008

That Nasty Hope Thing

So, I'm sure that if there's anyone out there still reading this drivel, you perhaps might be wondering whether or not I'm still here.

Well, I am. I have thirty-gazillion posts running through my head, but have yet to actually put anything down. Why? Well, partly because I'm a right lazy bitch, partly because I really have had no time to blog due to spring concert/end of the year junk, and well, if I'm to be completely's really the "same shit, different day" kind of post. I mean, how many times does anyone want to read "I'm here, I'm still infertile, I'm an emotional mess, blah blah blee....." I suppose it gets kind of old. However, that's my life right now, so really, there's no reason to sugar-coat it, I suppose.

I miss the person I used to be. I'm slowly getting my snarkiness back, but the bitterness even amazes me sometimes. And, it comes on at totally random times, which doesn't make me the belle of the ball lately. I don't want to be the Bitter Barren Bitch that I am. I want to be able to enjoy my life, whichever fertility road we end up taking. So....why can't I?

My head is a jumble of things-should we cycle again, or not? Will it work, or is it a waste of time? If we decide that the ART route is finished, then what happens next? Are we ready to throw in the towel completely or should we try other options? These things fill waking hours of my day, and at inopportune times-like in the middle of a rehearsal, teaching a class, or just at home watching TV. I want to turn these thoughts off, but I'm finding I can't. And that frustrates the hell out of me, because I don't want to be defined by my infertility. I want to be me, but I'm not sure who "me" is anymore. I got married at 27 (almost 28), at a time in my life where I just starting to figure myself out and becoming more comfortable in my own skin, and then, a year later, we were thrown into the infertility merry-go-round, so now I'm not sure if that person I was 6 or so years ago was really me or not. All I know is that the person I am now is never how I envisioned myself. And, I also know that I don't like it.

How do I change it? I have no idea. Perhaps a part of it is coming to terms with things as it relates to my fertility, or, lack of it. Does that mean that I give up hope? Or, perhaps "hope" (that nasty bitch) is clouding my judgement and keeping me from being realistic. Then again, being realistic isn't all it's cracked up to be-you run the risk of over-thinking the situation. So, the question remains-how do you know when you're done?

Well, there's a question for you (if you're still out there)-how do you know when your "hope" for a situation, whether it be infertility, or anything important, becomes more idealistic than realistic? What defines the "breaking point" for you to change your outlook?