Sunday, June 21, 2009


Wow, I had NO idea that I haven't updated in four months!

I guess it's official-I am a total slacker when it comes to blogging lately. However, I'm discovering that "itch" to blog again, because I'm feeling a need to express myself here. I feel as if I can truly say what I feel, without having to explain why I feel that way. I don't need to make it all flowery and pretty and worry about not offending someone if I don't say it the "correct" way. Because, let's face it....that's not really me.

So.....what's been going on here? Sheesh, where do I begin?

School's out, as of this past Thursday. Let me tell you.....having a job that you like makes a hell of a difference in your mental state. I never realized how much I hated my former position until I started in my new job. Now, that's not to say that I love every single aspect of my job, because life ain't perfect, people. But, to work in a place with a support system, to feel as if you're an equal, contributing member of a faculty......let's just say that I'm going nowhere anytime soon. I can see myself retiring here, that's for sure.

As for the home front, well.....that's a different story. We've been dealt a major kick in the ass lately. About a month ago, my mother wasn't feeling too well-she was having pains on her right side, and went to the emergency room. The docs there thought that she might have a case of diverticulitis, so they decided to do a CAT scan to see what was up. They found that her colon was twisted on the right side, which was causing her the pain. But, it was what they also found that has changed everything.

They found a mass on her left ovary, and recommended seeing an oncologist.

Of course my mother, being a nurse herself, decided that she was going RIGHT AWAY to her regular gynie (who she sees yearly) to see what was up. He did an ultrasound, saw what was up, and concurred about seeing an oncologist. He ended up recommending someone on his floor, she got an appointment the next day (cancellation), and they scheduled a hysterectomy.

So, she went in for the surgery on May 29th. What they hadn't counted on was that the tumor was adhered to her bowel, pelvis and bladder, and that the entire area was inflamed. So, they biopsied as much as they could, and closed her up. We found out the next day that it was Stage III Ovarian Cancer. Considering my grandmother (my mom's mother) also died from ovarian cancer, we all took this pretty badly. The recommended course of treatment is that she gets chemo every three weeks (she had the first treatment as an inpatient, and her second is on Wednesday of this week), they'll redo the CAT scan to see if/how much the tumor has shrunk, and then, if all looks good, will reschedule the surgery and remove everything they need to.

To say that this was a blow to us is an understatement. My mother is a trooper though. She's feeling okay so far-mostly tired, but she started losing her hair last weekend, and decided on Thursday that she was going to shave it all off, rather than let it fall out gradually. Her doctors are optimistic about her chances of beating this, despite the diagnosis. It hasn't spread into the lymph nodes, which is good news. The recurrence rate isn't wonderful, though.....which worries me. But I know that she's in the best hands possible. And, in a really weird way, no amount of worrying is going to change the fact that my 57 year old mother has cancer. I just have to be there and support her and my dad as best as I can. Luckily I'm not working this summer, and we're not going away, so I can help out more.

So.....what do I decide to do in the wake of all this drama going on? Why, prepare for a fresh cycle, of course! Because I just can't seem to be able to have enough going on right now....let's add some infertility to the mix! Woot! What the FUCK am I thinking?

Well, I had a mini-freak out thinking that, what with injecting enough hormones to choke a woolly mammoth, I was next on the Big Casino list, so I emailed Dr. Pipsqueak with a shitload of questions (would I get cancer? should we cycle again? should I have the BRCA genetic tests?). She reassured me that (1). there is no proven correlation between reproductive cancer and fertility meds, (2). if my mom tested positive for the BRCA mutation, and I was tested, it would depend on my results (luckily, mom tested negative, so it wasn't passed on-woot!) and (3). there IS a corellation between INFERTILITY and ovarian cancer, so it would be to my benefit to get knocked up to lower my risk. In short, we need to cycle, and since I'm not getting younger, it needs to be soon.

Needless to say, we're updating our things with her office, to try to get in during the summer for a cycle, once the lab opens in mid-July. We were talking about cycling anyway, but now there is more of an urgency. Maybe I'm overthinking this whole thing, but I'm thinking that, if I can get knocked up and have a baby (or two, but at this point beggars can't be choosers!), and we know that we're done, I'll have a hysterectomy and hopefully be done with the whole potential cancer-y mess. That is, if it's a perfect world and everything works out. Which, in my case, never does.

So, I'm back in the IVF saddle, for the fifth time. Hey, do you think that they have a "frequent flyer" type of program for IF? Or a "buy four and get the fifth free"? Hell, I'd even take preferred parking, at this point. I guess that's just the old, crusty barren bitch in me, raring to get out.

It's good to be back, though. Hopefully there are still some of you out there, but if not, I'll just chat to myself and look like a crazy me, it won't be the first time.

Infertility, watch out.....I'm gonna kick you right in the cooter. Repeatedly.

Or, at least until a baby falls out of it.