Monday, July 31, 2006

The Third Wheel in the "Mommy Club"

Tomorrow's the big day-I get to start Lupron. Whoot! But, that also means only a few more days on the Pill, which will be a relief. I haven't been sleeping well since I started them-SERIOUS insomnia. I'm exhausted, but can't fall asleep before 2am, then will wake up at 3am, then toss and turn the rest of the night. It just sucks, but there's not much I can do-I even tried to drink a lot of booze, but even that didn't work. So, like I said, only a few more days....

Let's see, there's nothing else that's extremely interesting going on here (at least, not yet). I had lunch with my friend CeCe Friday (the one from church who has 5 kids), which was nice. We went out yesterday to just drive around, had a yummy dinner, and had some nice "alone" time. Just a typical weekend.

I talked to M today-it turns out that the gyno found out that she has the MTHFR mutation (she's not sure if it's heterozygous or homozygous), and the gyno told her that it's put her into menopause because it's a "clotting disorder", and now has to see a hematologist. Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about MTHFR, but for some reason I didn't think that it was a clotting disorder on its own, but when it is combined with other factors (for some reason I thought I was told this by a friend of mine who has the mutation). Of course, when I did verbalize that, she got snippy and said that everything SHE read on the internet (dear old Dr. Google) and asked of her doctor friend (a recent resident grad) said it was, and the gyno said it I just let her's easier that way, really. She's going to do whatever she wants to anyway, so why aggravate myself, right?

She then invited me to go to some park on Friday, with her and J, and two other friends (who both have babies). I declined, saying that I was trying to stay away from babies at this particular moment in time (don't need to jinx anything right now), and she got pissy, saying "well, didn't you see your friend with the baby on Friday?" Whoa! WTF? So I told her (being nice, which I DIDN'T have to be) that we had lunch sans babies and children, and that right now, since I'm doing this FET, I'm trying not to jinx anything and I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Like I said, I was nice about it, when I really wanted to say was "You know, perhaps if you've gone through what I have for four years, you MIGHT understand, but, since you so obviously dont, I know that it's really silly of me to think you'd stop with the attitude just because I don't want to be the third wheel in the Mommy Club."

Why, oh why do Fertiles think that we IF chicks just always want to be around babies 24/7? Do they think that because we can't have children that we need our "fix"? That we just automatically jump at the opportunity of being around kids (and, more specifically, their kids)? I know it 's a stretch for them, but can they try, at least once, to put themselves in our shoes? Can they not see how painful it can be for us?

Perhaps it's my own fault-Sean and I usually put on our "Fertile Brave Face" when we're around our friend's children (or anyone with kids), and act that nothing can bother us, that it will happen to us, eventually. Many of our friends never see the frustration, sadness, and grief that we feel. They never really hear the nitty-gritty details-I mean, why put people through that? It's not their fault. And, let's face it, it leads to the eventual drop-off of friends and party invitations. Would you want to be around someone like that all the time? I wouldn't. Plus, the important thing for me is to lead as "normal" a life as possible, despite the unpredictability of infertility. So, maybe it's my own fault that I don't verbalize myself as often as I should with non-IF friends.

However, I do find it ironic that most Fertiles, whether they are currently pregnant or already mothers, expect you to sit through their Litany of the Complaints (how fat/swollen/sick they are, how miserable they feel, how tired they are, how "hard" it all is, and what their precious darling is currently doing), yet they can't spend the same time listening to an infertile's complaints or concerns. Quite ironic, as a matter of fact. Hmmm....

I know that it isn't everyone-I have some extremely fertile friends (Iike CeCe, or women who have gone through IF and now have children) who are so sensitive and supportive to what I'm going through. Perhaps that's the missing link-having empathy and compassion for others. Some people are just more (for lack of a better word) selfish and self-absorbed. They don't expect that you don't always want to be around their children. And, it's almost as if they feel that you don't have the right to verbalize that.

I read my horoscope the other morning in my new issue of Glamour magazine. For the month of August, it says:

With practical Saturn in your house of goals, you'll take the first steps toward reaching a long-standing dream (writing a book? A trip to Africa?). You'll need all your energy to do it, so ask a needy friend to, temporarily, find another shoulder to cry on, and allow the guy in your life to wait on you hand and foot.

I think that day will be soon upon us.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Moodswing Pendulum

Whoo-hoo......gotta love those hormones. I am feeling better today, though-at least, so far. Mood swings are like tornados-you don't get much warning before it hits. And, woe is anyone who stands in its path *drawing finger across throat*.

And, yeah Manuela-itchy boobs. Right around the nipple. For some reason, it always happens when I take the Pill-I remember that happening, as well as a feeling of soreness and fullness (which hasn't happened yet), when I first went on the Pill back in college. And, since it's not exactly socially acceptable to scratch your tits in public, it's a testament of willpower not to have my hands in my bra constantly. *sigh* I think I saw a porno like that once......*nod to Cleolinda's parody of HP&POA-read it here if you've seen the movie and want to pee your pants*

It's weird about this FET-some people know that we're doing it, and they want to talk about it whenever I'm around (like M), and I really have no desire to discuss any of it. Not because I'm not glad we're moving forward, but I'm trying to have the mindset that if I don't think about it, perhaps it will actually work. Stupid, I know, but I'm just tired about talking about my reproductive organs all the time. There's more than that to me, dammit! I actually told M yesterday that "my reproductive organs are not up for discussion today". And I don't give a rat's ass if she was offended or not. I'm just getting weary of being defined by whether or not I'm able to have children. So, perhaps that's the rationale behind not discussing it. That, and the more people that don't know what's going on, the less pressure there is on us.

And that's a very good thing, let's face it.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I Hate People

Well, everyone-we have now entered day three of birth control pills. And the fun has certainly begun.



Itchy boobs.

Wanting to rip your husband's testicles off because he can't understand why you don't want to light the oven to make Texas Toast with dinner. (Because I said so, dammit-don't argue with me-I keel you!)

Staying upstairs to avoid aforementioned husband so as not to detach his testicles, just in case we need them again. Plotting revenge for dinner (in fact, I was in the middle of cooking when he started bitching about the bread, and I threw the frying pan across the stove and announced that he could "make his own fucking dinner") that I did not eat. Thanks, babe.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope between sanity and going absolutely raving, barking mad. Like, if someone gave me the stinkeye, I'd probably be arrested for assault. And I'm not even overexaggerating-I can't be trusted not to freak out right now.

Nurse Blondie called this morning and let me know that I begin my Lupron on August 1st, which will be adding even more fun and games in the hormonal department. I think I'm going to get a t-shirt made with a disclaimer, just in case-it's better to be safe than sorry (or incarcerated).

This just sucks. It sucks that I even have to do this. It sucks to be not in control with my emotions.

I hate everyone today (not you guys-you GET it). Let's hope tomorrow will be better.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Checking Into The Red Roof Inn

And it's about time, too. I was starting to wonder whether my Red Guest was going to show or not.

Cycle day 1. Yay. I'll be at Big Important Clinic Sunday morning, bright and early, for my bloodletting and a date with the Follicular Lurve Wand. And hopefully will start the OCP's that day.

We're on our way, people.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

More Whinging and Whining

Here we are at cycle day 35, with no sign of Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp. There is some brownish spotting, mixed with cervical mucus, and some crampiness, but no flow. Why, oh, why can't my body cooperate, just once? Is it too much to ask?


And no, I'm not up the pole, either-I checked that out already. Negative.

Can we say "annoying"? I know you can....


Thanks for the responses about my last post. I don't really feel bad about what I said (long overdue, in my opinion), but I know for a fact that it went through one ear and out the other, since we went to lunch Monday (a rarity, since she usually blows me off) and she kept asking tons of questions about the clinic (her appt is 8/22 with the RE I see). And the fact that she called me yesterday, from work, to tell me that our gyno called her and said that her autoimmune workup came back okay.

Yesterday, during that conversation, she did get a bit snarky with me about her daughter. Here's the background first, before I get into the phone conversation:

We went to a late lunch Monday afternoon, then went to pick up her daughter from camp. Then we made our way back to M's, because she and Sexy J were going to the gym. From the moment J (her 5 yo daughter) got into the house, she started acting wacky, trying to get everyone's attention, that kind of thing. M and I went upstairs because she had to change, then heard J yelling up the stairs that she "didn't want Mommy to go to the gym", she wanted her to stay here. Uh...okay. M told her that they wouldn't be long (they have child care). J then decided that she wanted to wear her sneakers instead of her flip-flops. M told her that her flip-flops were right there (she was just wearing them) and to just put those on instead. Of course, J wouldn't listen, pulled her sneakers out of her camp bag and put them on. She then began whining (and I'm not being dramatic) "Mommeeee, tie my sneeeeakers..." over and over. M said that she'd better be able to tie them herself then, because she told her to put the other shoes on. She kept on whining, Sexy J told her to quiet down, J told him to "shut up", then M finally told her that she'd tie her sneakers (?). I then told M that her sneakers were wet (she got her sneakers and socks wet at camp) inside, and said to J that they were too wet, and we'd put them outside to dry. She started saying "no" , and at that point I beat a hasty retreat. As I said goodbye to J, she just stared at me. M told her to say goodbye, and she said "bye" in a snotty way and slammed the front door as I was standing on the stoop. ARRGH!

Okay, now that you've got that in your head, she brought J up in conversation yesterday. I asked her if she was better last night than the afternoon, when I saw her. She didn't say anything for a second, then said "You know S, she's a kid, and kids whine". I told her than yes, kids do whine sometimes, but she's 5 years old and shouldn't be doing it as often as she is (of course I'm not speaking from the experience of a parent, but as a primary teacher-I see 150 of that age group in particular, and I told her that). M then had to point out that she doesn't do it in school-and I said yes, she probably doesn't, and she probably does it at home to get attention. I then dropped it, because I didn't feel like getting into a drag-out fight, because I was like "what the FUCK!? Can you not see what she's doing?". So it was a bit awkward getting off the phone, and I haven't heard from her since then (we usually talk a few times a day).

Perhaps I shouldn't have opened my mouth-I know that mothers are extremely protective and I'm sure that she saw my comment as an attack on her kid-but I really feel that she doesn't see (or want to see) that her kid is turning into a brat. She always makes the same excuse about her behavior-she acts like that because that's what she does at Fuckwad's house, and it works there. So, what's the excuse with the backtalk, the disrespect that she shows for adults, the blatant disregard when she's asked do so something simple as open a door for someone who has things in their hands (she'll actually tell you no). During that whole sneaker exchange on Monday, I never heard the word "no" escape M's lips. Can't she see that she's just as wrong, that she's not helping the issue? She's even said to me recently that she's thinking of taking her to a psychologist, because she thinks that J is acting out because she's having a hard time dealing with the divorce. But, who's having the hard time here, J, or M?

Sean and I had a long talk about this last night, over dinner. I told him the story, and he said that it's just a shame, all around. He feels that J is disrespectful to adults, and generally gets her way too much, and also has way too much stuff (I can't even tell you how many toys and things she has), and said that he'd never tolerate the way she talks to people. And, we're not the only ones who think that-I've heard other mutual friends make similar comments. I've decided that I will refuse to make any more comments about it, or even engage in an in-depth conversation about her, even if brought up, to avoid any potential arguments. And, if I am around her and she starts up with any unacceptable behavior, I'll literally walk away from the situation, rather than act on the urge to correct the behavior. Even though she's my godchild, it's ultimately not my business if she can't be controlled, right?

It's a shame though-she's not an evil child. But, I see kids like that every day-kids who think that, because they get away with things at home, other adults will indulge them in the same way. Those kids tend to get worse as they get older. J might be "good" in school now, but she only finished pre-K-she hasn't gotten into the academic routine of Kindergarten, and beyond. Who's to say that she won't do it in school? And, I see parents who constantly make excuses for their child's behavior, rather than discipline the child. What message does it send to the kid? That it's socially acceptable to be that way? Not for anything, but if I had a child who spoke to my adult friends/family in the manner she does to us, I'd be mortified, and it would never happen again-but M doesn't seem to be fazed by it. Sean feels that M is trying to have the same life she did before children, and she can't-you can't fit children around your life. I know that she wants the best for her child-what mother doesn't? However, she doesn't help the situation either. She is so quick to blame the ex for everything, but she can't see her own hand in it.

*Sigh*. It's so easy to see other's problems when you're on the outside, looking in. It's also easy to assume you'd do something differently, especially if you don't have children to base your experiences on. I guess I wouldn't like it if I felt that someone were knocking my child or parenting skills-I'm sure she feels vunerable enough. But, we have plenty of friends with children who don't act this way, and would never even think of it, so I think that what I'm saying does have some validity. I'm not being a jerk because I want to be, but because it's hurtful when a niece/godchild/whoever treats you crappy, not only because the kid does it, but because the parent doesn't correct the behavior; it's as if they secretly agree with what the kid's doing or saying. So, it's like you're getting disrespect not only from the child, but from the parents.

I refuse to call her back. If she doesn't like it, she'll just have to get over it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

"Now, if You'll Just open your Mouth wide enough to get that Foot to fit right in...."

I know that I haven't posted in awhile, and I do apologize, but I had jury duty, beginning Tuesday-I was unlucky to actually get chosen for a case. Actually, that's not altogether true. I was lucky, in a way-if I hadn't been chosen for a jury, I'd have to come back the next day. Due to the backlog of cases because of the shutdown of the NJ State Government ten days ago, I would have ended up being picked for Grand Jury-an eight week ordeal that would have, quite frankly, sucked large testicles.

On the FET front, I'm still waiting for my period to show-it should be here from today onward. Since I've given up charting my temps (I haven't done that in almost a year now.....what's the point?) I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated, but once it shows up I go in for CD 3 bloodletting and wanding, then I get to start those lovely BCP's. I'm looking forward to getting things started, to finally get to some kind of outcome. I don't like being in limbo.


I'm sure you'll all remember my slight dilemma that I posted about. Now, I don't know if I should feel like an big asshole or a slight asshole. I got a phone call the other day from M, and, while in the middle of a converstation with her, she made the comment ".....well, now that I can't have any more children". Of course, I then had to ask her what she meant. Our twato called her back with results of the bloodwork she did-her FSH was 68, and the twato advised her that she was going through early menopause, will be putting her back on BCP's for estrogen replacement, and also wants to refer her to the IF clinic I am currently a patient for a full workup, since she's undecided as to whether she's having more children (she'd be seeing my RE, who is also head of the egg donor program). Now, I'm not sure how it works in a situation like this-would an RE see a patient about infertility who isn't actively trying to concieve?

So, I pretty much told her how I felt-that she's not married, unsure whether or not she would marry the guy she's seeing currently, and already has a child-is she worrying about this because she really wants to marry Sexy J and have more kids, or is it because someone told her that she couldn't have any more (her own words, not mine)? She's totally the type of person that, when told that she can't do something, she'd do it anyway to prove whoever it is that they're wrong. I then told her that she doesn't know whether or not she still couldn't have children, as she's not actively trying to get pregnant (plenty of menopausal women conceive those "late in life" babies when they thought that their reproductive systems were almost shut down), and would they be able to accurately do hormone testing if she were back on the Pill?

She tried to compare me to her, but I stopped it right then and there-I bluntly told her that what I was going through and this are in no way similar-she's looking at it from the viewpoint of someone who already has a child, whereas I have none. I, quite honestly (and it felt damn good) told her that my way of looking at it is that, if I were her, I'd be damn grateful that I already had a child and be happy with that, she never had to have any difficulties with having what she already has, and that you have to be happy with what you already have to then know if you want more than that. She then said, right away, that she was really grateful to have her daughter, but she always thought that she'd have more kids. At which point I told her that I always thought I'd have 3 children, and never dreamed that I'd be in the situation I'm in now, with the possibility of never being able to have my own children, but that nothing is ever as we truly want it to be.

I told her that she needs to figure out first what she wants her relationship with J to be-does she want to marry him, and if so, does she really want to have more children (which is what she's undecided about)? I cautioned her against letting the news of her early menopause influence her in making a hasty decision to get married again. She mentioned things about worrying about having two children with two different men, that she didn't want to end up alone, that she didn't want to work as hard as she does to maintain her life. I asked her if she was worried about what others think of her, and she said no, but it makes me wonder. I'd just hate to see her make a rash decision because of this, but I can't stop her. I gave her my piece, and she didn't get pissy (to her credit), but I'm not sure if she was really listening. I guess time will tell that.

She's still going to make an appointment with my RE, though-whether or not she'll be seen is unsure, but she'll find out once she makes the call.

I don't know-perhaps she thought that I'd be an ally with her on this, since I'm going through infertility, but I don't see her as even being secondarily infertile, at least not yet. It's not as if she's trying right now, or even if she eventually will. She did mention that she feels like she's less of a woman (which I can definitely relate to), and, didn't I feel that way? I did admit that, yeah, I do feel that way sometimes, but couldn't agree in her case-she isn't less of a woman, especially since she's already proven that she could have her own children successfully.

I hope I didn't come across as overly harsh, but it's hard for me to have patience with this, as "shit, what is she whinging about-she has a child, can't she be happy with that?" kept replaying in my head as we had this conversation. And, this isn't a knock on secondary infertility in ANY way-I have friends who are going through that and it's hard to watch their pain. No, I think it's because M is trying to make claims of infertility, and I strongly feel that she doesn't have the right to make casual claims like that with no definitive proof. It's not like having a heart murmur or an enlarged spleen-infertility is not something that's always so cut and dry, or easily treated. I guess what irks me about the whole thing (I do have to point out that I'm really not angry with her, per se, just her ignorance, really) is that she's so cavalier about it, like she'll just go to the RE, they'll do IVF (with or without donor eggs) and she'll have a baby, just like that (and she basically said that to me). Mind you, she's in the medical profession, people-she, of all people, should know that medicine is not absolute.

Perhaps that is exactly why I find this all so offensive. Because I (and many of you) have already been through so much hell, and I would hate to have my best friend have to go through what I have-the tests, medications, surgeries, disappointments and sorrows. And, it's almost like she's enjoying (perhaps that's too strong a word, but I can't think of any other word to sugar-coat it) the fact that she's in the "IF Club" now, since she knows many of her closest friends had difficulties. That she can now participate with more personal experience in the conversations about clinics, drugs, and the inside jokes we all share about dildocams, bloodlettings, and that fact we're naked more often for the RE than for our own partners and husbands.

I'm not saying that going through menopause at 34 isn't a great thing, or that she doesn't have a right to be upset with her diagnosis-she has a right to grieve that her childbearing days are coming to a close. And, yes, early menopause is definitely a cause of infertility, so, ultimately, she will be unable to have more children. This is about being happy with what life has given you, and she has so much to be happy for-she's no longer in a bad marriage to a man who was emotionally abusive and distant, she has a beautiful child, a fufilling career, a relationship with a man who cares for and respects both her and her daughter. Would I react in the same way as she did? I don't know. Perhaps, but perhaps not-I'm not in that situation. Do I have empathy for her? Of course-I'm not a heartless bitch. But, would I trade places with her?

Yes, in a heartbeat. Because, even though menopause is no joke, and that I don't want to see my best friend go through infertility treatment, she has something precious, something that, no matter what she goes through with menopause, I'd give everything I have for.

A child of her own.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Piling on the Drug Bandwagon (Again)

Today was the big day-FET appointment day.

I had to wait awhile for Dr. Pipsqueak, as she was running behind (very out of character for Big Important Clinic)-apparently, the appointment before mine was stuck in traffic. No matter, though-it's not like I have anything important going on-I'm on VA-CAY!

Anyhow, we go into her office, where she asks me how I'm feeling (great), if I gained any weight (nope) and whether I was ready to dive into the FET cycle (uh....yeah). I found out that, out of the 22 fertilized eggs, 12 were frozen at 1pn stage (right after fertilization) and 6 made it to day-3 stage before cryo. So, I have 18 embryos to use.

She explained to me that, because my cycles (although regular) tend to be on the longish side, she wants me to do a synthetic FET instead of a natural one. Which means that I get a turn once again with two weeks of OCP, adding in my New Best Friend Loopy Lupron, then introducing Estrace into the mix (estrogen pills), starting Medrol, Doxycycline, and the lovely PIO, and transferring two to three embryos (depending on quality, of course). I was a little taken aback at the recommendation for the synthetic cycle, but she explained that the natural cycle, ultimately, didn't work, and she wants to make sure that every opportunity is being used for success.

Also, since the embryos were frozen in "straws" of three, they will first thaw a strand of the just fertilized ones, to see how they'll grow. Depending on their growth is whether or not they will have to thaw more, or go into the 3 day ones. She did warn me that there is always a chance that none will make through, and we won't transfer anything, but the quality of the day-3 ones were good, but not perfect. So, that freaked me out a little bit, but I refuse to let myself dwell on it. There isn't much that can be done now, if you know what I mean.

I met with Nurse Blondie, who gave me my timeline and promised to get on the phone to the pharmacy to order the Estrace and Doxycycline (and already got the phone call from the pharmacy-they rock). So, it looks like there will be a transfer in about four weeks, give or take a few days, assuming that Aunt Flo That Time of the Month The Mudslide At Crotch Canyon will begin later this week.

Am I excited? Sort of, as long as I don't freak out that I'll arrive for the transfer only to be told that we're shit out of luck. I am really not so happy about more drugs-the progesterone I expected (although pills), but Lupron and Estrace? Yuck. However, beggars can't be choosers, in this case.

Let the games begin.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Fifteen Hours and 42 Minutes

Tomorrow is the big day-my meeting with Dr. Pipsqueak about the cycle, and when the FET will be. I'm really hoping that we can do it this month and not have to wait. That would really suck, but there's not much I'd be able to do about it.

So, I'll update everyone with all the juicy details when I get back tomorrow afternoon.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A Shameless Plug

I just got the BEST book in the mail yesterday, and I have to plug it here.

The book, Movies in Fifteen Minutes: The Ten Biggest Movies Ever For People Who Can't Be Bothered, happens to be one of the funniest things that I've read in a long time.

The author, Cleolinda Jones, has a LiveJournal site titled (what else?) "Movies in Fifteen Minutes", where she parodies films. Any film will do, and they're hilarious. She has a huge fanbase, and eventually got a book deal. Unfortunately, you can't get the book at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble-it was only published out of a UK house, but you can get it through

I first read Cleolinda through Mugglenet-they had her LiveJournal link of the hysterical parody of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban listed, and became an instant fan. It's satirical without attacking, and basically gives a voice to any silly plotline we've found in movies. And, for a hardcover, it's really inexpensive-I ordered mine last Tuesday, and it arrived yesterday in the regular mail, and it only cost $22 (including shipping, tax + the exchange rate).

Go buy it. If you like this kind of stuff, you will not be disappointed. I can't wait for the sequel.

Murphy's Law

My AC adaptor died on the cracktop last night. It's not even a year old, and it just went. So, I apprehensively got onto the Dell website to see what could be done. I say "apprehensively" because I've heard horror stories about Dell's customer service. In fact, as I was discussing having to contact the company, Sean replied, "Well, say hello to India for me when you get through". *Sigh*

So, up the stairs I trundled to the six year old Gateway desktop in the office upstairs. Old Faithful, we used to call it, until about three months ago, when it decided to have a nervous breakdown and couldn't be booted up. I got online with the cracktop with Gateway, and a nice lady told me that the problem was Windows XP, and it needed to be reinstalled. But, I asked, will I lose all my data? Nay, she replied, nothing would be lost. So, I dug out the CD and reinstalled XP.

And promptly lost 6 years worth of files. My lesson plans, photos, music (some of which was school related), all gone, Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit ya in the ass.

So, that nice twathole lady lied out of her snatch. Bitch. I hope she gets crabs.

Needless to say, I've been having to reinstall everything-my printer, Microsoft Office (Student/Teacher Edition), NIS 05, Firefox, and it's been a drag. Especially NIS, since I bought it as a download-I had to contact Symantec and beg for a new download. But, I'm lucky it's sort of up and running, because I needed to get a hold of someone at Dell, at one this morning (after finally fixing the desktop). They were very nice, actually. Turns out my adaptor is defective, they're sending me a new one, free of charge, and it should be here within three days or so.

Whew. I can't live without the crack-top. Sitting in the office sucks-I feel really isolated.

The upside is that I finally got the gumption to really clean the office out-went through old files, threw a lot of crap out, cleaned out and reorganized the closet, vacuumed the rug (Peaches wasn't too happy about that one). It looks spick and span. At least until we start piling up crap again.

Happy 4th!

Monday, July 03, 2006

I've Been Meme'd!

So, it seems as if I've been meme'd, from, here goes (and, forgive me, those who I'm about to tag!)-sorry if it's a little late, but this shit is hard!

7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:

1. Get the cojones to actually give a go at the professional acting/singing thing.
2. Live in Europe
3. Become more financially secure
4. Be able to have #3, so we can buy a beautiful falling-apart Victorian and restore it
5. Have our own children.......duh....
6. Get my Master's and DMA, so I can teach University-level music classes
7. Learn to speak another language fluently, so I can teach our kids to be bilingual

7 Things That I Can't Do:

1. Drive a manual-shift car
2. Eat any kind of meat that's on the bone-it has to be removed.
3. Play an instrument that requires a reed (clarinet, saxophone) -can't stand the vibrating against my teeth
4. Have plastic surgery, unless medically necessary
5. Ride on roller coasters
6. Sleep without socks on
7. Do the butterfly stroke-not that coordinated

7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:

1. His smile
2. His sense of humor
3. The fact that he is the voice of reason, when I need it the most
4. His ass......whoo-ho, is it smokin'!
5. Similar interests in music and theater
6. His kindness
7. That is he the most unselfish person I know

7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:

1. The entire Harry Potter series
2. Jepthe's Daughter, by Naomi Ragen
3. Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man, by Fannie Flagg
4. The Witching Hour (well, the whole series, really), by Anne Rice
5. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
6. Sarah (part of the Caanan Trilogy), by Marek Halter
7. Rachel's Holiday, by Marian Keyes

7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:

1. Animal House
2. Sixteen Candles
3. Any movie that Christoper Guest directed
4. The Princess Bride
5. Arsenic and Old Lace
6. Any movie that Gary Oldman is in-he's fucking brilliant!
7. Henry V

7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand):

1. Jess
2. Kimmer
3. Beth
4. Lut
5. Shelli
6. UtRus
7. Cat

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Things On My Mind

Thanks for the replies. It makes it easier to know that this seems to be a common occurence. It's sad though-infertility is hard enough, but to not have that support system around you, when you need it the most, really sucks. That's what I hate about being infertile-it's so isolating. You isolate yourself because most people really don't get it, and, after awhile, don't want to hear about it (like Shelli said-and I remember when you went through that), so they start to avoid you. There are friends that I haven't seen in months, because they probably feel awkward around us. Does it suck? Yeah. Would I do the same thing, if I weren't going through this? Maybe. Let's be honest here-if I were a Fertile I would not even begin to understand what someone who has to go through treatment is dealing with. Just like I, as a woman with no children (with the possibility of not being able to have my own children) don't understand the emotional complexity of secondary IF. I do try to put it in their perspective, though-it must not be easy to hear about constantly, perhaps it makes perfectly fertile people feel guilty, and I do try not to speak of it too much, unless I'm specifically asked about it. But, how does that help me, emotionally?

Thank God for this blog. Thank God that it led me to people who DO get it, and that it shows that I'm not a freak; that everything I feel is what others feel and is normal.

Anyway, I think that the best advice, for now, is to just put a little bit of distance between us. As to whether or not I'm going to lay it all on the table....I think that, eventually, I will say something, but not now. I need to step back and not let my emotions get in the way of it, because if that happened I'd end up freaking out on her, and that's not what I want to do-I don't want to necessarily end our friendship, but I do want her to know what's going on and how I feel about it. So, all in good time...

I do know that she's being a selfish cow, but I honestly think that it's not intentional-she truly doesn't realize that she's being self-absorbed. Sean thinks that, because of her divorce and dealings with the asshat, she lets herself get worked up and stressed about him and it boils over into her entire life. Which I don't altogether disagree with. She has reflux and has to take Nexium every day, and also had anxiety issues in the past. I've told her that perhaps therapy would help (not in a snide way) with how she deals with things. Whether or not she actually did that is, well......another thing.

In an aside to all this, the twato called her yesterday and told her that her FSH, prolactin and prostaglandin levels are all elevated above normal, which could either be because she's perimenopausal, or possibly an autoimmune disorder, like MS or rheumatoid arthritis. Her uncle (dad's brother) has MS and her dad has RA, so now she's freaking out again, and has to go for more doesn't get easier, does it?

So, 9 days until my meeing with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over my FET protocol. I've got lots of questions to ask (I love her, because she loves when you ask LOTS of questions). I did realize that, if all goes according to my cycle, I'll get AF around 7/13-15, which will put my transfer (if we're doing a natural cycle) at around the last days of July. Which was when I had my first FET. The one that got me pregnant. The one that I also miscarried.

Concidence? Perhaps. Does it freak me out? Uh........yeah. But, I can't worry about it. I'm supposed to be "stress-free" this summer (according to Sean-he takes his job very seriously), and I can't let things freak me out.

Not yet, at least.