Monday, July 31, 2006

The Third Wheel in the "Mommy Club"

Tomorrow's the big day-I get to start Lupron. Whoot! But, that also means only a few more days on the Pill, which will be a relief. I haven't been sleeping well since I started them-SERIOUS insomnia. I'm exhausted, but can't fall asleep before 2am, then will wake up at 3am, then toss and turn the rest of the night. It just sucks, but there's not much I can do-I even tried to drink a lot of booze, but even that didn't work. So, like I said, only a few more days....

Let's see, there's nothing else that's extremely interesting going on here (at least, not yet). I had lunch with my friend CeCe Friday (the one from church who has 5 kids), which was nice. We went out yesterday to just drive around, had a yummy dinner, and had some nice "alone" time. Just a typical weekend.

I talked to M today-it turns out that the gyno found out that she has the MTHFR mutation (she's not sure if it's heterozygous or homozygous), and the gyno told her that it's put her into menopause because it's a "clotting disorder", and now has to see a hematologist. Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about MTHFR, but for some reason I didn't think that it was a clotting disorder on its own, but when it is combined with other factors (for some reason I thought I was told this by a friend of mine who has the mutation). Of course, when I did verbalize that, she got snippy and said that everything SHE read on the internet (dear old Dr. Google) and asked of her doctor friend (a recent resident grad) said it was, and the gyno said it I just let her's easier that way, really. She's going to do whatever she wants to anyway, so why aggravate myself, right?

She then invited me to go to some park on Friday, with her and J, and two other friends (who both have babies). I declined, saying that I was trying to stay away from babies at this particular moment in time (don't need to jinx anything right now), and she got pissy, saying "well, didn't you see your friend with the baby on Friday?" Whoa! WTF? So I told her (being nice, which I DIDN'T have to be) that we had lunch sans babies and children, and that right now, since I'm doing this FET, I'm trying not to jinx anything and I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Like I said, I was nice about it, when I really wanted to say was "You know, perhaps if you've gone through what I have for four years, you MIGHT understand, but, since you so obviously dont, I know that it's really silly of me to think you'd stop with the attitude just because I don't want to be the third wheel in the Mommy Club."

Why, oh why do Fertiles think that we IF chicks just always want to be around babies 24/7? Do they think that because we can't have children that we need our "fix"? That we just automatically jump at the opportunity of being around kids (and, more specifically, their kids)? I know it 's a stretch for them, but can they try, at least once, to put themselves in our shoes? Can they not see how painful it can be for us?

Perhaps it's my own fault-Sean and I usually put on our "Fertile Brave Face" when we're around our friend's children (or anyone with kids), and act that nothing can bother us, that it will happen to us, eventually. Many of our friends never see the frustration, sadness, and grief that we feel. They never really hear the nitty-gritty details-I mean, why put people through that? It's not their fault. And, let's face it, it leads to the eventual drop-off of friends and party invitations. Would you want to be around someone like that all the time? I wouldn't. Plus, the important thing for me is to lead as "normal" a life as possible, despite the unpredictability of infertility. So, maybe it's my own fault that I don't verbalize myself as often as I should with non-IF friends.

However, I do find it ironic that most Fertiles, whether they are currently pregnant or already mothers, expect you to sit through their Litany of the Complaints (how fat/swollen/sick they are, how miserable they feel, how tired they are, how "hard" it all is, and what their precious darling is currently doing), yet they can't spend the same time listening to an infertile's complaints or concerns. Quite ironic, as a matter of fact. Hmmm....

I know that it isn't everyone-I have some extremely fertile friends (Iike CeCe, or women who have gone through IF and now have children) who are so sensitive and supportive to what I'm going through. Perhaps that's the missing link-having empathy and compassion for others. Some people are just more (for lack of a better word) selfish and self-absorbed. They don't expect that you don't always want to be around their children. And, it's almost as if they feel that you don't have the right to verbalize that.

I read my horoscope the other morning in my new issue of Glamour magazine. For the month of August, it says:

With practical Saturn in your house of goals, you'll take the first steps toward reaching a long-standing dream (writing a book? A trip to Africa?). You'll need all your energy to do it, so ask a needy friend to, temporarily, find another shoulder to cry on, and allow the guy in your life to wait on you hand and foot.

I think that day will be soon upon us.


L said...


Babies are like buses when you dont expect them they suddenly come along.

Being around babies wont jinx you but being overly desperate to have one will. Relax and let it happen.If its meant to, it will.

S said...

Copy of the response to this comment, which I originally posted on l's blog:


I noticed that you made a comment on my blog, and I just wanted to clarify something, since it seems obvious that you've read my post without knowing my full situation.

As someone who has been infertile for four years now (probably more than that, but I've only been diagnosed for that amount of time), your comment is really quite insulting and also typical of those people who have never experienced firsthand what I've gone through. Perhaps, if you had read past postings of my blog (which has been around for a few years now), you would have seen the posts about the testing, three cycles of IVF, three turns with Hyperstimulation Syndrome, and a Frozen Embryo Transfer which later became a miscarriage, so I have to assume that you didn't read any of it, or else you would not have even put such an ignorant comment on my blog.

I am tubally infertile-that is to say, both my fallopian tubes are blocked beyond surgical repair. I have an almost 15% lifetime probability of ever getting pregnant naturally, and, if I WAS miraculously able to do so, am five times more likely to have an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy than normally fertile women. The odds are not in my favor for a natural, "let's have fun and make a baby" type of conception. There won't be any cute "oh, mom and dad went away for a vacation, and guess what happened" stories to tell our kids, like other people do, should we even be lucky enough that this works and we conceive and carry a child to term.

Doesn't seem like fun, does it?

Now, imagine being told all of that at 29 years old, and then you tell me how "relaxed" about it you would be.

My only option of carrying my own children is through Assisted Reproduction, more specifically, through in-vitro fertilization (IVF), an extremely difficult process, emotionally, physically and financially to go through once, let alone the three times I've done it. To say to me "Being around babies wont jinx you but being overly desperate to have one will. Relax and let it happen. If its meant to, it will" is the WORST possible thing you can say to someone in my position. Have you had problems conceiving? Have you, after three years of trying, finally get pregnant only to miscarry? Has anyone close to you ever experienced it? I highly doubt it, given your comment.

I have been through enough to know that the phrase "if it's meant to happen, it will" is totally bogus, because, in my case, science will help dictate success more than nature ever could. Do you think that you're the first person that has said that to me? You're not. Am I offended? Hell, yes. Do I have a right to be offended? Absolutely.

Perhaps, in the future, if you wish to comment on infertility blogs, you should educate yourself as to exactly what infertility is and that "relaxing" has no outcome on actual pregnancy and birth rates. Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system that affects both men and women, not a psychological or psychosomatic condition. Would you be so bold as to tell a cancer patient to "relax" and they're sure to be cured of their tumors? Of course you wouldn't. Then why would you say that to someone who is infertile?

RESOLVE is an excellent resource for educating yourself about what infertility is and how it affects you. There's also a wonderful link there for family and friends to educate themselves. Perhaps you need to do that before you feel you can make similar comments on other blogs such as mine. Here's a specific link, should you like to read it:

I do welcome all types of readers and commenters on my blog-fertile and infertile alike. What I DON'T welcome are comments such as the one you've posted. Please, PLEASE--if you can't find anything supportive to say, or if you think that this IS being supportive, then refrain from commenting on my blog. I don't need the additional stress or heartache regarding this-I have enough of that, in spades.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, the dreaded "it will happen when you don't expect it" comment... Kudos to you for your well written response!

I have personally heard this so many times and you have stated exactly what I would love to say. I try to politely say that science truly is against my husband and I (both have IF issues) and that our decision to adopt really is the best option for us. People, including our family, just don't get it. The comment we hear is "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant!" Not likely....

The days are long and hard, just remember that you are not alone. I totally support you through this process and I wish you the best!

Nickie said...

what a great horoscope! I sure hope that it holds true and NOT the trip to Africa.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with Fertiles who just don't get it. As a former Fertile with one child, who may end up being my only if my upcoming IVF doesn't work, I want to apologize to any infertile that I offended with my ignorance. I just didn't get it. I can say with near certainty that I have never told someone to "relax" but I'm sure I was less than supportive on occassion, knowingly or not.

Kudos to you for standing up for all of us stuck on the IF side of this coin. I hope you get to see (& stay on) the flipside very soon.

VanillaDreams said...

Wow, imagine my shock and dismay, to stumble across your fantastic blog, read the first post and then click on the find a commentor actually had the nerve to say "R E L A X" on an I N F E R T I L I T Y BLOG. Wow.

S, you handled this situation SO much better than I ever could. What a well-written, thoughtful reply! I commend you and thank you for sharing that with all of us.

Anyway, with that out of the way, I just wanted to say hello and wish you well on your current treatment -- if I read correctly, you are undergoing FET right now? I am in a FET cycle currently.

Would love to add you to my list o' blogs I read! ;)

I dig your "added sarcasm" photo as well!! :)

All the best with everything,
Nilla @ Vanilladreams

Pamplemousse said...

Is that my horoscope too with a trip to Africa???? I find that people who cannot be empathetic about IF cannot be empathetic about anything else (illness, death, losing of job) in life either. And vice versa.

Manuela said...

Oh, kiddo... I SOOOO hear you on this one!

DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. Just cuz I want a kid doesn't mean I AUTOMATICALLY swoooon over your spawn!

I'm sorry, but you deserve so much better than this narcissistic treatment!!

Manuela said...

OOOOH! Just read your rant!!! GOOD one! Very proud of you... I may borrow this one (with credit of course.

Lut C. said...

On L: In wikiland, they say "don't bite the newbies", tell them what they did wrong in a nice but firm manner.
You did that perfectly.

Meanwhile I. must. resist. urge. to. bite. Don't want to distract her from your reply.

I don't have much of a Fertile Brave Face, but I have an Aggressive Childfree Person Cloak. You should try it. When new parents start discussing baby poop/drool/spit, I recoil in disgust. For all other stories, I roll my eyes or look bored. Works like a charm.

To be honest, other people's babies don't interest me much. They just don't. I just one of my own.

ilyse said...

I totally hear you and feel for you. I am sorry you had to deal with a situation like that and with M once again. And sorry that you had to deal with I's post on your blog. I guess the world is full of ignorant people. Sending you a big (((hug))) and praying that the FET works for you guys this time.

lola said...

S - I am applauding you and your perfectly worded reply to that first comment.

I only just recently stumbled upon your blog and i've really enjoyed reading it. I'm also dealing with IF and a recent miscarriage, and it's refreshing to read your posts because they are so honest. keep it up.

Thalia said...

Oh how I wish that all annoying people would vanish away just before transfer and only appear again when you're over the failure (or have something to celebrate).

Hang in there, S., you are doing the right thing by looking after yourself.

audrey said...

Hi S. I came upon your blog through l's blog. I went to her blog because she ignorantly lambasted me on someone else's blog. Oh what a wondeful merry go round...

I thought your response was excellent. She annoyed me so much with her judgemental attitude towards me that I'm willing to take up the gauntlet for you!

On your post: I'm 25 and my friends aren't at the stage yet where we're having babies. I'm Australian. I think we do it kind of later here (based on the American women I've met). It will be difficult if one of us turns out to be infertile. I can't imagine supporting/being supported through that.

I'm wondering how to phrase this next bit without being insensitive - I understand conversely what you're saying about other people's children. Please please please understand i am not trying to be insensitive here, I am just sharing my own experience. I recently had an abortion (the subject on which l took it upon herself to call me inhuman, psychopathic, selfish and basically whorish) because I am not ready for a child right now and I fell pregnant despite the best intentions. I think some people found it difficult to understand that I delight in other people's babies despite not wanting my own and so I became kind of self concious about it for awhile. I can understand conversely how you wouldn't want to be around children.

God, I'm not articulating myself very well.

Anyway, I like your blog. I really feel for you and the other IF women on here. I hope that despite my story you will accept me as a reader of your blog.

Audrey Apple

Manuela said...

S... whereby you were incredibly mature and wise in your response... I have chosen to take the LOW road... and engaged on a full-on battle attack over on my blog.

I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. This twat picked the WRONG day to raise my ire.

Jennie said...

who takes buses?
nothing I say will make any difference to the bruising L's comment made, I'm sorry you got to be dusted so cruelly.

on the subject of your post, getting a fix of babies via fertile friends offspring always creeps me out, I can't help it hey I want big boobs too but I don't want to see yours type thing.
I now avoid all mother and me type outings it's safer and I remain way more polite this way.
wishing you luck for your cycle!

My Reality said...

I found you through Manuela's rant on her blog.

Your response to the awful, ignorant lady who thinks she knows it all (but really appears to know nothing)is perfect. It is well written, well researched and makes your point perfectly.

I would like to ask your permission to borrow it (with credit given to you) if I ever need it. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I wish you much luck for your upcoming cycle and will be back to see how you make out.

S said...

You may absolutely use it-the more people we can convert from ignorance, the better it is for us!

ms. c said...

I, too, came from Manuela.
I can't believe the nerve of this L. I don't even want to spend another second thinking about this pathetic person who could say something so cruel. NOT WORTH MY TIME.
Your response was mature and thoughtfully written. I am so impressed. I am so glad there is the community here of so many women (and men) who understnad what we are going through.
Good luck with this cycle. I will certainly be back to check on you!