The Third Wheel in the "Mommy Club"

Tomorrow's the big day-I get to start Lupron. Whoot! But, that also means only a few more days on the Pill, which will be a relief. I haven't been sleeping well since I started them-SERIOUS insomnia. I'm exhausted, but can't fall asleep before 2am, then will wake up at 3am, then toss and turn the rest of the night. It just sucks, but there's not much I can do-I even tried to drink a lot of booze, but even that didn't work. So, like I said, only a few more days....

Let's see, there's nothing else that's extremely interesting going on here (at least, not yet). I had lunch with my friend CeCe Friday (the one from church who has 5 kids), which was nice. We went out yesterday to just drive around, had a yummy dinner, and had some nice "alone" time. Just a typical weekend.

I talked to M today-it turns out that the gyno found out that she has the MTHFR mutation (she's not sure if it's heterozygous or homozygous), and the gyno told her that it's put her into menopause because it's a "clotting disorder", and now has to see a hematologist. Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about MTHFR, but for some reason I didn't think that it was a clotting disorder on its own, but when it is combined with other factors (for some reason I thought I was told this by a friend of mine who has the mutation). Of course, when I did verbalize that, she got snippy and said that everything SHE read on the internet (dear old Dr. Google) and asked of her doctor friend (a recent resident grad) said it was, and the gyno said it was........so I just let her babble.......it's easier that way, really. She's going to do whatever she wants to anyway, so why aggravate myself, right?

She then invited me to go to some park on Friday, with her and J, and two other friends (who both have babies). I declined, saying that I was trying to stay away from babies at this particular moment in time (don't need to jinx anything right now), and she got pissy, saying "well, didn't you see your friend with the baby on Friday?" Whoa! WTF? So I told her (being nice, which I DIDN'T have to be) that we had lunch sans babies and children, and that right now, since I'm doing this FET, I'm trying not to jinx anything and I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible. Like I said, I was nice about it, when I really wanted to say was "You know, perhaps if you've gone through what I have for four years, you MIGHT understand, but, since you so obviously dont, I know that it's really silly of me to think you'd stop with the attitude just because I don't want to be the third wheel in the Mommy Club."

Why, oh why do Fertiles think that we IF chicks just always want to be around babies 24/7? Do they think that because we can't have children that we need our "fix"? That we just automatically jump at the opportunity of being around kids (and, more specifically, their kids)? I know it 's a stretch for them, but can they try, at least once, to put themselves in our shoes? Can they not see how painful it can be for us?

Perhaps it's my own fault-Sean and I usually put on our "Fertile Brave Face" when we're around our friend's children (or anyone with kids), and act that nothing can bother us, that it will happen to us, eventually. Many of our friends never see the frustration, sadness, and grief that we feel. They never really hear the nitty-gritty details-I mean, why put people through that? It's not their fault. And, let's face it, it leads to the eventual drop-off of friends and party invitations. Would you want to be around someone like that all the time? I wouldn't. Plus, the important thing for me is to lead as "normal" a life as possible, despite the unpredictability of infertility. So, maybe it's my own fault that I don't verbalize myself as often as I should with non-IF friends.

However, I do find it ironic that most Fertiles, whether they are currently pregnant or already mothers, expect you to sit through their Litany of the Complaints (how fat/swollen/sick they are, how miserable they feel, how tired they are, how "hard" it all is, and what their precious darling is currently doing), yet they can't spend the same time listening to an infertile's complaints or concerns. Quite ironic, as a matter of fact. Hmmm....

I know that it isn't everyone-I have some extremely fertile friends (Iike CeCe, or women who have gone through IF and now have children) who are so sensitive and supportive to what I'm going through. Perhaps that's the missing link-having empathy and compassion for others. Some people are just more (for lack of a better word) selfish and self-absorbed. They don't expect that you don't always want to be around their children. And, it's almost as if they feel that you don't have the right to verbalize that.

I read my horoscope the other morning in my new issue of Glamour magazine. For the month of August, it says:

With practical Saturn in your house of goals, you'll take the first steps toward reaching a long-standing dream (writing a book? A trip to Africa?). You'll need all your energy to do it, so ask a needy friend to, temporarily, find another shoulder to cry on, and allow the guy in your life to wait on you hand and foot.

I think that day will be soon upon us.