Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Mr. Pink Paws and Christmas Day

Well, I hope that everyone had a nice holiday, if you celebrate (and, if you celebrate Chanukah, hope you're still having a nice holiday!). Ours was pretty uneventful, for the most part. We sang at Midnight Mass (which for some reason our church has at 10pm.....it ends by midnight), then we went home and opened presents, because I had to get my ass up at 6:30 and sing the 8, 9:30 and 11am Masses. Then we trekked up to my parents house for the foodfest and family interaction.

My aunts and uncles were there, minus one uncle, who freaked out that his divorce became final the day before Christmas and was holed up in his apartment in SoHo, which was pretty stupid, in my opinion-they've been seperated for 3 years and, quite frankly, he missed the yummy food, but, whatever. My one uncle and aunt have two kids, one who's 8 and another who's 20 months old-holy shit, he's like a cross between the Energizer Bunny and Baby Taz! It was exhausting just watching him buzz around the house and terrorize the dog, who kept running away from him like he had the plague. We got lots of goodies, but one of the best is tickets to Billy Joel's concert at Madison Square Garden in February-they're really good seats and it's a sold-out show, so that was cool. It was kind of sad, though-since my parents are moving in June to Barnegat (down the Jersey Shore, across from Long Beach Island), we all realized that it was our last Christmas in the house.

It was weird, though-occasionally I'd think "you know, if I hadn't miscarried, I'd be showing by now and probably getting baby stuff instead of another purse from mom", or "if that last cycle of IVF had worked we'd be announcing that I'm pregnant today"-but it wasn't as horribly depressing or upsetting as I thought it would be. I think that I'm more at peace with all of this now. That doesn't mean to say that it's always easy, because it's not, but I'm more accepting of it all. This is my lot in life, and I need to make the best of it. I can't pretend that it hadn't happened, or that it hasn't affected me in some way, but I won't let infertility rule my life.

We decided to re-do the living room in our house as an anniversary present to each other this year (yeah, boring old married couple shit, right?), so we got a new couch, tables, repainted-all that happy horseshit. Sean wanted it done by Christmas, so when we put up the tree and decorated it would look fabulous (and it does!). I always try to get a few more ornaments every year to put on the tree, and this year I found this great tree-skirt at HomeGoods-it's a deep red velvet with green and gold bands at the edge, and it looks great against the light beige carpet and the tree (decorated with red, white and gold ornaments)..........I'll have to take a pic of it before I take it down.

Our cats like to hang out underneath the tree for some odd reason-I guess we're lucky that they don't like to climb it-and just crash on the tree skirt. Every year when we take the tree down we have to clean the tree skirt, because it's full of kitty hair. One of our cats is an orange tabby (Peaches) and the other is a tuxedo kitty (Buddy). Last night we noticed that Buddy's paws were a distinct shade of pink-in fact, every white part of buddy's body (except his face) was pink. What the fuck? we said to ourselves. We originally thought that it was because he was rolling around on a red cardboard box we had in the living room that had decorations in it, but we realized that we took that box down to the basement last week. We finally figured out that it was from the fricking tree skirt! I was getting upset about the state of his (normally) white fur, especially since Sean started calling him "Pinky Bud-a-dero" and whistling the "Happy Days" theme. It looks less pink today, probably since he's cleaning his fur, but I'm trying to keep him away from the tree. So far, it ain't working.

So here I am, still in my pj's, with a cup a coffee, my laptop, and nothing planned for today, except for a trip to the supermarket. Ain't Winter Break grand?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Etiquette Updates and New Arrivals

Well, I finally heard from people. Sean was right (for a change)-I was overreacting.

K actually hasn't been around-she does professional caroling gigs at this time of the year, and since we're not doing the annual holiday performance of "Joseph", she's been singing at gigs up the wazoo-she had 8 in the last five days alone. But, we do have people coming, so yay! Now I can play Martha Stewart/Rachael Ray/Nigella Lawson-I really do love to cook and entertain. If I ever had to make a career change I'd open a catering business, but that's another story.....

L (who did IVF at the same time as my first cycle and got pregnant with twins) had the babies on Monday night, after being induced at 36 weeks. Her daughter's birth was fine (natural), but her son was caught under her ribs and wouldn't move down, so she ended up having a c-section with a vacuum extraction. He had fluid in his lungs and was jaundiced, so they had him in the NICU with IV fluids. I went to see her today-she's in pain from both the vaginal birth and c-section, and still swollen, but she looks great. I got to see her daughter, who's so tiny and cute-holy shit, she's also got a pair of lungs on her too! But so cute!

I was actually okay about going to see her, surprisingly. I thought that I wouldn't be able to do it, but I really didn't feel any jealousy or sadness. Perhaps it's because she went through infertility and made it through-I'm not sure. But, she was so happy that I went to see her today-she knew that it might be tough for me-and was so appreciative. Of course, the box of Godiva chocolates helped, I'm sure.....heh.

Anyway, the week is winding down-my concerts are over, there's only a day and a half left of school, the gifts are just about done, and the stockings are stuffed (yeah, I'm a dork about that). I'm really looking forward to the week off to recharge for the new year ahead. And, let's face it-it looks like I'll need all the help I can get for 2006.

Peace out-I'm off to stuff my face with some pasta.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Celebrations and Etiquette

So, I have a small dilemma. Of course, I could be overreacting, but, perhaps not.

We usually spend New Years with a certain group of friends that we met through the theatre circuit. We've celebrated each other's weddings and have hung out together for the past 8 years or so. We started celebrating New Year's together in 2000, the year that Sean and I were married, and alternated between our house and another friend's house ("K"). K was married last year (I sang at her beautiful Vermont wedding), and she hosted the holiday last year as she had the new home. So, this year is supposed to be my year.

Although I'm really not in the mood to celebrate the holidays, I thought that perhaps planning this party will put me in the spirit, so I sent an email out last Friday to our regular crew of 12 to find out who was planning to come. The last time that I saw or spoke to any of them was around Halloween, when we went to K's house for a pumpkin-carving party, and of course my IVF woes kept me busy after that (I was on Lupron then) As of today, I have only heard from two couples, and they aren't sure whether or not they are able to come.

Now, here's the thing. K is the type of person who is a stickler on etiquette-I wouldn't be surprised if she had a signed copy of Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette stashed under her bed. She has yet to contact me (I even called her and left a message before I sent out the mass email, and haven't heard back from her). Now, I could say that perhaps she and her husband are away, but she's addicted to technology, and carries her laptop everywhere-she can't live without her email-so I can't say that she hasn't gotten it. I've also seen her on IM, but she hasn't even IM'd me. If it were her throwing the party and nobody responded, she'd be upset (she's actually commented about that kind of behavior before with other people). WTF?

So, what do I do? Should I send another email, saying "Yo, WTF'? Ignore it and accept that everyone is perhaps blowing me off, which is really shitty and horrible? I don't know how to handle this. I am a little bit upset about it-I mean, respond back with a simple "yes" or "no". I feel like people are seeing if they have anything better going on first, which is really crappy if true because we've spent the last five New Year's together.........if they wanted to stop the tradition, just say it, you know? It would make me especially sad to stop it as it would be a great distraction for me-having to shop and cook and make the house all pretty knowing we were having a party is fun. And then, it makes me wonder-if they do want to stop it, is it because I'm a different person? Maybe I'm not fun to be around anymore, because of all this infertility shit? Maybe these people are just "fair-weather friends"-you know the type, the ones that are around when the going's good, but when you're going through shit, they are suddenly MIA-and I'm expecting way too much from them? Who knows.

I have no idea what to think, or do. New Year's Eve is about two weeks away, so I need to know quickly. I know that I need to just get the balls and just find out, but I'm afraid of what I'll hear.

Sigh.....just so complicated.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


This is the hectic week for me-I had a concert last night at one of my schools, a senior citizen's performance this afternoon, and a concert/dress rehearsal tomorrow at my other school. Once this week's over, then it's smooth sailing until Winter Break.

Of course, theoretically, it would be smooth sailing if I actually finished my Christmas shopping, decorated the house, and actually put up the tree. Right now that ship is marooned. I have no desire to even start.

I totally don't feel like doing much of anything, apart from sacking out on the couch and watching "Oprah". I feel like shit, I look like shit (the 7 or so post IVF pounds are annoying the shit out of me-it's just enough extra weight to make all of my pants uncomfortably tight), and I just want the holidays to be over with, which is a shame, because I usually love this time of the year. I'm just crabby and all I want to do is sleep. Perhaps, if I could actually sleep and not wake up ten times a night, I would be less exhausted.

18 days until the crappiest year of my adult life is over. I never thought that I'd be happy to see the back of 2005. It was supposed to be a year of hope, but it turned into a year of shit, disappointment and aggravation.

As you can tell, I'm in a shit mood. I've been edgy and pissy for a week now-as if I'm on the verge of just going ape-shit on someone (which is why I've been pretty quiet-I don't want to end up institutionalized). Everything seems to be closing in on me-my infertility, my age, my job situation (although okay, it could be better) my relationships with friends (more on that later-it's too complicated and long for this entry) and family. I feel stifled.

I just wish that I could be happy and naive again. I wish that I wasn't so jaded about everything.
I'm just a bitter barren bitch. Bet you can't say that five times fast.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


You're all the best.

Smooch smooch and hugs.

It's nice to know that I'm not going insane-that what I'm feeling is not the result of delusion or chemical imbalance, but is common among us. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does make me more aware that I'm not alone in the fight-you're all beside me, with paper gowns on (tied in the back and naked underneath, of course), speculums and dildocams in hand, facing the enemy that is our own personal nemesis-the dreaded infertility.

I only wish that we knew a magic spell to take all of it away, but we don't. However, having all of you around for support is a comfort and a blessing. Thank you for reading my whiny posts, for listening to me bitch, for being, well, you-for the kind words and the sarcasm, and for making me laugh.

Infertility still SUCKS, but it's been much easier to bear since you all came into my life. Thank you, again.

Rock on, girls!


Sunday, December 04, 2005


It's been a few days since I've updated, but there isn't much going on that you already don't know.

I'm miserable. I'm still infertile. I'm still stressed. Yay for me.

Usually, I love preparing for Christmas-the whole ritual of dragging the tree and ornaments and holiday decorations up from the basement, buying a wreath from the church Caritas group and hanging it up on the house, shopping, preparing for concerts-it's comforting and familiar. Now, it just makes me sad and angry-what's the fucking point? I tell myself. Is there a point?

I see pregnant women and babies everywhere. I feel like that they're stalking me, mocking me with their bellies and Graco travel systems and diaper bags. It's like a blow to the side of the head sometimes. And, the shit kicker of it all is that, no matter where I go, from the mall to the post office to the women's public restroom, I can't escape them.

I feel like life is moving forward around me like a stream, and I'm stuck behind, like stagnant water-infected and unclean. I feel like the people I know look at me and think that I'm a failure for not being able to do the one thing that's supposed to be "natural" and "normal" to every woman. There are some days that I wish that I could just reach into my body and rip out my womb and thus release that contamination from me and make myself pure.

There are the okay days; the days that I don't have this baggage constantly buzzing through my head like a bee's nest, but those days are few and far between. More often than not, I feel such bitterness about all of this-that I can't get a break. I try nowadays to keep my mouth shut, because I'm afraid I'll say something that will give away just how much of a nasty bitch I am inside of my head.

The four weeks of Advent is a time, in the Catholic Church, of waiting, of expectation. We, as Catholics, are waiting for the announcement of the birth of the Messiah, the Chosen One. I feel this more so this year as in previous ones. I am in a constant state of waiting, of expecting something to happen that will miraculously change my situation. I feel as if I'm in Limbo, unsure of what the future holds for me. Is it my fate to die without seeing my children, or grandchildren? Is this the way it's supposed to be-just me and Sean and the cats, for the rest of my life? To know that what my life now is what it will be for the next 50 years or so? And, can I be satisfied with just that, and nothing more?

I don't know if I believe in miracles anymore. I'm too afraid to let that bitch Hope back in and believe that things will work out for me.

Sometimes I wish that I had the power to glimpse into the future. Maybe if I could, everything would be so different-the choices I made, the relationships I had. Maybe I wouldn't have taken so much for granted. I just wish that I knew what the future had in store for me and my fucked up reproductive system-it would save me from this constant uncertainty. I think that it would help me accept things more if I knew how they would end up.

Unfortunately, life's not like that-there's no way to predict the future. I was told one time, after expressing curiosity about seeing a psychic, that people who see into the future only see one path that your life can take-and that it's up to you to choose whether or not you want to go down that path. Would I have chosen the path that I'm now on? That's hard to say. In one sense, maybe-I don't think that I'd have the relationship with Sean I now have if this hadn't happened to me. I don't think that I'd realize just how badly I want my own children. But, truly, I don't want this cross to bear. I'm not a bad person, I didn't do anything horrible to deserve this pain and emptiness. So, why am I singled out to go through this? Why me, and not someone else? What is the reasoning in the Grand Scheme Of Things to make me barren?

They're questions that I can't wait to ask God one day. Hopefully by then I'd get a straight answer out of Him, since He doesn't seem to want to provide me with one right now.

Lately I feel much like a kid who's being bullied in the schoolyard-you know that kid, the one who doesn't quite fit in. Unfortunately, because they're "different", they get the shit kicked out of them, physically and psychologically. And, these kids begin to wonder if they really are the freaks that the bullies make them out to be. They start to believe the bad press.

I guess I 'm just tired of feeling like a freak, that I'm not like everyone else.

I just want to fit in.