Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Edgy

This is the hectic week for me-I had a concert last night at one of my schools, a senior citizen's performance this afternoon, and a concert/dress rehearsal tomorrow at my other school. Once this week's over, then it's smooth sailing until Winter Break.

Of course, theoretically, it would be smooth sailing if I actually finished my Christmas shopping, decorated the house, and actually put up the tree. Right now that ship is marooned. I have no desire to even start.

I totally don't feel like doing much of anything, apart from sacking out on the couch and watching "Oprah". I feel like shit, I look like shit (the 7 or so post IVF pounds are annoying the shit out of me-it's just enough extra weight to make all of my pants uncomfortably tight), and I just want the holidays to be over with, which is a shame, because I usually love this time of the year. I'm just crabby and all I want to do is sleep. Perhaps, if I could actually sleep and not wake up ten times a night, I would be less exhausted.

18 days until the crappiest year of my adult life is over. I never thought that I'd be happy to see the back of 2005. It was supposed to be a year of hope, but it turned into a year of shit, disappointment and aggravation.

As you can tell, I'm in a shit mood. I've been edgy and pissy for a week now-as if I'm on the verge of just going ape-shit on someone (which is why I've been pretty quiet-I don't want to end up institutionalized). Everything seems to be closing in on me-my infertility, my age, my job situation (although okay, it could be better) my relationships with friends (more on that later-it's too complicated and long for this entry) and family. I feel stifled.

I just wish that I could be happy and naive again. I wish that I wasn't so jaded about everything.
I'm just a bitter barren bitch. Bet you can't say that five times fast.

4 comments:

Shelli said...

bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch


love you.

Truly.

S

betty said...

Lets burn 2005 together!
bitter barren bitches burn 2005.
Poof, up in smoke!
Bring on 2006 and may it be a damm sight better than this crap.

hypnotize said...

U R not a BBB..... im new to blogging. its sad that the only thing that came to my mind to search on was IF blogs..... ive been through most of ur experiences except IVF....after 2 years of trying & finding out about blocked tubes......i got pg only to miscarry twice......

i definitely wanna burn 2005 in hope that 2006 is better in every way.....

cat said...

Burn 2005 burn... and may 2006 be a hell of a lot better than 2005 turned out to be for you'all.

*hugs*