Tuesday, December 13, 2005


This is the hectic week for me-I had a concert last night at one of my schools, a senior citizen's performance this afternoon, and a concert/dress rehearsal tomorrow at my other school. Once this week's over, then it's smooth sailing until Winter Break.

Of course, theoretically, it would be smooth sailing if I actually finished my Christmas shopping, decorated the house, and actually put up the tree. Right now that ship is marooned. I have no desire to even start.

I totally don't feel like doing much of anything, apart from sacking out on the couch and watching "Oprah". I feel like shit, I look like shit (the 7 or so post IVF pounds are annoying the shit out of me-it's just enough extra weight to make all of my pants uncomfortably tight), and I just want the holidays to be over with, which is a shame, because I usually love this time of the year. I'm just crabby and all I want to do is sleep. Perhaps, if I could actually sleep and not wake up ten times a night, I would be less exhausted.

18 days until the crappiest year of my adult life is over. I never thought that I'd be happy to see the back of 2005. It was supposed to be a year of hope, but it turned into a year of shit, disappointment and aggravation.

As you can tell, I'm in a shit mood. I've been edgy and pissy for a week now-as if I'm on the verge of just going ape-shit on someone (which is why I've been pretty quiet-I don't want to end up institutionalized). Everything seems to be closing in on me-my infertility, my age, my job situation (although okay, it could be better) my relationships with friends (more on that later-it's too complicated and long for this entry) and family. I feel stifled.

I just wish that I could be happy and naive again. I wish that I wasn't so jaded about everything.
I'm just a bitter barren bitch. Bet you can't say that five times fast.


Shelli said...

bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch
bitter baren bitch

love you.



betty said...

Lets burn 2005 together!
bitter barren bitches burn 2005.
Poof, up in smoke!
Bring on 2006 and may it be a damm sight better than this crap.

hypnotize said...

U R not a BBB..... im new to blogging. its sad that the only thing that came to my mind to search on was IF blogs..... ive been through most of ur experiences except IVF....after 2 years of trying & finding out about blocked tubes......i got pg only to miscarry twice......

i definitely wanna burn 2005 in hope that 2006 is better in every way.....

cat said...

Burn 2005 burn... and may 2006 be a hell of a lot better than 2005 turned out to be for you'all.