Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Who Said Escapism Is A Bad Thing?

Thanks again for the wonderful comments. It makes me feel much less mental than I think I am. It does help, truly.

Sean and I decided that we need to get away, just the two of us, with no pressure to do anything or go anywhere. We've been through so much in the past year or so, and I feel that we need to reconnect with each other and remember why we're together, and to be happy again. Sean was the first to mention it, actually-he suggested Disney World, since I'd never really been there (well, I was, for a half-hour, but we'll get into that at another time....), but it was way too expensive. Plus, there would be tons of kids there (we're limited as to when we could go, given my school schedule), and that wasn't the point of this holiday. So, I was looking online and went onto the Royal Caribbean website-they had a 5 day cruise leaving out of Tampa to Mexico that was just up our alley. Plus-the only thing they had left on the boat was Junior Suites, and they were DIRT CHEAP....so we went for it. We figure that this is our time to pamper ourselves-fuck it all.

We also talked about our appointment last Friday. He kept reminding me that there is no pressure right now to make any choices, that we still have some time. I think that I'm leaning towards the laparoscopy, but I'm afraid that, given that Murphy's Law is somehow attached to my life like a bad hairpiece, they'd go in to see what's cooking and I'll somehow end up with major work, they'd have to do a laparotomy, and I'd end up in the hospital for a few days. Yes, I'm probably worrying for naught, but you know what they say-prepare for the worse, hope for the best. Although, that would also mean going out on disability, which would mean no school.....hmmm......

Seriously, I know, deep down, that it's the best thing to do-my mother told me that she thought that I should have done it a long time ago-but, of course, it isn't at the top of my list of "Things I Want To Experience Before My Ovaries Dry Up". Oh, well.....life ain't easy.

I'm just trying to make it through each day-every day that I don't have a nervous breakdown is an accomplishment. It's not easy, but I can try.

Friday, November 25, 2005


I had my follow-up appointment (also known as the "why I didn't get pregnant" appointment) this morning with Dr. Vest. Since Sean was off from work today (LOVE Thansgiving weekend!) I dragged his ass along with me. Hey, If I have to get up early, then he's not allowed to sleep either!

So, we went over my file, and the cycle. He told me that there was no concrete reason as to why my eggs weren't as good as the last time. But, he kept saying that I did get pregnant back in August, so he has hope for me still. He also said that I am still young, by IVF standards-I am also, apparently, a lot younger than most of the patients that he sees. He did recommend that I entertain the thought of a laparoscopy though, to see what the hell is going on in there-if there is fluid in the left tube, he wants to cauterize the tube from the top; that way, the fluid can't back up into the uterus and fuck things up. He is hesitant to do this, or remove the tube, however, since the last HSG I had, 18 months ago, showed that the left tube was slightly open-to his thinking, there's always a chance that I could get pregnant naturally. But, in those 18 months, the tube could have completely closed-so what good is it, right? But, he feels that repeating the HSG really won't be beneficial, that if I have another procedure, it should be a lap.

Now, as to the right tube-I have a proximal blockage (a blockage that's at the top of the tube, near the uterus. In researching this, it's the easiest type of blockage to try to correct surgically. We have no idea whether the entire tube is blocked or not, since the HSG I had only showed that the contrast dye could not be visualized-it never went into that tube. Dr. Vest is interested in seeing what's up with that tube-ideally, if the tube is only blocked at that one spot, and open the rest of the way down to the ovary-it can be fixed and we can try this the old fashioned way. What a thought.

As to the medication cycle, he doesn't want to change my medications, since he thinks that I respond well to the Follistim. He did suggest that we might try an antagon cycle as opposed to Lupron-I'd go on birth control pills the cycle before, then start the Follistim on day 3, then add the Antagon. It would be less shots, but birth control pills SUCK. Argh.

I did ask for my medical records, though, at the end-my gyn did ask me to get them when I was there at the end of August, but I was so messed up after the miscarriage that I totally forgot to ask. Nursey P suggested that I should get the copy (which is good to have) and I can make copies on my own, so we arranged that. Dr. Vest did take a lot of notes, but told me repeadly that I need not make any decisions at this moment-he feels that I need some time to take this all in and make my own choices. Which he's right.

Yesterday it all finally hit me-the enormity of my situation, the fact that this will be the fourth holiday season that I am childless, and that there's such a void in my life these past three and a half years. We had to sing at a Thanksgiving mass, and one of the pieces, Abide with Me, just choked me up. I literally ran out of the rehearsal crying-it was a breaking point. I felt like a hypocrite, that I was singing words I didn't remotely believe at that moment:

Abide With Me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I did manage to get myself together for the mass, but it was tough. I was going through the motions. Afterwards, A stopped me and asked me if I was okay, and I just broke down. He told me that when he saw me run out, he knew why (we hadn't told anyone yet that this cycle was a bust). He said that he thought to himself "She doesn't feel that she has anything to be thankful for", and he's right. But it felt good to let it out, at least for a little bit. And I felt so bad, because A has his own problems to deal with-his dad is very sick and in a nursing home two hours away, and he's been going back and forth to PA weekly. But he told me that I need to take a break, because he can see that I'm starting to unravel emotionally. Which is true-I feel like I'm on a carnival ride that won't stop to let me off, even though I desperately want to. A also said that I need time for me, to heal. Sean even suggested that the two of us go away on a vacation, to unwind and take time for us, without infertility trying to worm it's way in. Which kind of excites me-escapism is always a good thing.

I'm tired of feeling sad and angry. I hate having to make decisions about whether or not I should have more surgery and try this again. I finally asked Sean what he thought, since he tends to avoids answering these questions-he feels that he doesn't want to influence my decisions about my own body. But, I cornered him about what the doctor said. Sean said that he feels that I should go through with the lap and at least find out what the problem is, and if something could be corrected, at the very best, or removed to better our chances of another cycle, if we go that route. And, I know he's right, deep down. But I'm so tired and scared and bitter and frustrated and I just want to avoid it all.

But I can't-it's like a festering sore that won't heal. And, that 's what I resent most of all-that it won't go away and just leave me alone.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Gobble Gobble

I was trying all day today to think about what I'm thankful for this year. Boy, was it a tough one, considering the hell I've been through in the past six months. Honestly, I will be happy to see 2005 over and done with, but for now, we still have to deal with it for a bit longer.

And, to be quite honest, I'm not feeling very thankful right now. Actually, I'm pretty pissed off at the entire world at this point in time. And that's okay, as far as I'm concerned-I'm not going to wax poetic on bullshit that I don't feel right now.

So, tomorrow, when everyone is going on and on about how great it is that family is getting together, blah blah blah, I will be in front of the fire with a nice bottle of Shiraz getting well and truly out of my brains. And I won't feel even remotely bad about it.

Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about-getting pissed, eating lots of food, and passing out on the couch afterwards.


Happy Thanksgiving to all........may your turkeys be moist and that lovely triptophan zone you out.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Yep, it's official-Nursey P told me that the beta is negative.

Nothing, nada, zilch, zero, niente.

Not pregnant.

I think that I'm handling it rather well, thankyouverymuch. Of course, my period starting around 12:45 this afternoon was another tip-off, if you know what I mean.

M is coming over-the local sushi place has half price sushi today and tomorrow, and the wine will be a-flowing. Of course the Tylenol with Codeine is also on hand, should I need it.

Now is the time to take a hard look and ask myself if I really want to continue this torture to my body. I've now been through two fresh cycles of IVF and one FET, and still no baby. What makes me think that another fresh cycle will work? The eggs they retrieved from this cycle were obviously crap-at least, crappier than the first round six months ago. If you think about it, I've had a total of 35 eggs retrieved in the last six months through IVF, and 4 more through natural ovulation, so 39 eggs have been lost-that's over three and a half years of eggs gone from my body. And, since we all have a finite number of eggs in our bodies, does it stand to chance that those were the eggs of someone who's almost 37? Does that effect the quality? Who knows.

Obviously the acupuncture did nothing in the way of helping, except for a paid sleep in the office.

If I do this again, do I want to continue seeing Dr. Vest? Sure I like him, and the office staff, but liking them has nothing to do with getting pregnant. Should I decide to do this again, perhaps I need to go to a bigger, more well-known clinic, like RMA or IRMS or Cornell? Do I want to become a number? I've heard mixed things about the lab/clinic that Dr. Vest uses for his retrievals and transfers-could that be the problem-a shitty embryology lab?

Here's another thought-If I do go to another, bigger clinic, I have a sneaking suspicion that they'll recommend removing my tubes altogether (or, at least clipping them) to prevent the hydros from fucking up anything. Do I want to have surgery again? A laparascopy (or, even worse, a laparotomy, which would require inpatient time in the hospital) means time out of work-probably a few weeks, at least. Yes, I am tenured, and my job isn't in danger, but do I want that to happen? A lap is a scary thing to think about-and since tubal repair really isn't an option for me (my tubes are blocked distally, which means at the bottom, at the fimbrae, so I'm pretty much fucked)-fimbrioplasty has the lowest rates of success and the highest risk of ectopic pregnancies-plus, it usually scars back up again anyway.

So, my friends, I am at a crossroads. I never, ever thought that I would still be here, three and a half years later. I never thought that I'd still be barren as the desert. Hell, I never even, in my most horrific nightmares, believed that I would have to do so much to just have a baby-pump myself full of chemicals that maybe will give me cancer in twenty or thirty years (let's just up those odds, right? Especially since my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 61), go through surgery, the indignities of various people (mostly men) having to look up my cooter, have a gallon of blood removed from my body, having people stare at me when I have to shoot up in public places, having to rely on other people to stick my ass with huge needles every night, to ending up feeling inadequate and diseased and not normal. And, for what, I ask myself? What good did it really do?

I have a lot of soul-searching to do, a lot of questions that I need to make myself answer. Before I know what the next step is-whether it be continuing this IVF journey, or to call it quits and make the committment to living without children. Because, you see, adoption isn't really an option for me. I'm not opposed to it at all-in fact, my great-grandfather was adopted-but I don't know if I could bond with a child that isn't biologically mine. Plus, we can't afford to adopt (our IVF attempts are all covered 100% under our medical insurance-NJ is an IF-mandated state), which makes it that much harder. And, if I may be totally selfish about this next statement-I want the whole package-the morning sickness, stretch marks, waddling, maternity clothes experience that comes with pregnancy. I want to be able to feel the kicks, punches and flips that a baby would be doing inside my body. I want the ability to choose whether or not I'd want an epidural or "natural" childbirth experience. I want the experience the feeling of pushing a child out into the world-and adoption can't give you that. Yeah, like I said-it's totally selfish, but it's honest........and I am nothing, if not honest.

Peace out-I'm off to crack open that bottle of YellowTail and get a spicy tuna roll.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

13dp3dt-Keeping Busy

Thanks ladies for the kind words. I know it ain't truly over till the red lady sings, but I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say that I'm out of the game this time.

Of course, if I'm wrong (which is unlikely) I'll gladly eat my words and say that I was wrong.........and that, my friends, rarely happens here in this household, because I am ultimately right (and aren't we all?).

Anyway, I had to cantor today, so I spent my time in church from 9am to 3:45pm (three masses and a Vesper service). It was pretty difficult to get through today, because today is the Feast of Christ the King, so the readings were the 23rd Psalm ("The Lord is my Shepherd, there is nothing I shall want....") and one of the hymns was "On Eagle's Wings", a Catholic standard (used most often at funerals)-great, wonderful. It was oh so much fun to try to get through those pieces without having a breakdown in front of a whole congregation of people for 8 hours.

Plus, tonight I have to start my grading process-all 800 kids. FUCK!!! This blows. And you KNOW that these classroom teachers will be on my ass starting tomorrow. Heh-maybe I should let the progesterage out.....

After Vespers, Sean and I went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which was really really a good movie-honestly, I think that it's the best so far. Unfortunately, we had to sit near not one, but two nasty popcorn munchers-one next to me and one behing me. I actually had to switch seats with Sean because the guy next to me was making me nauseated with his smacking and snarfing noises. Otherwise, it was a great show.

I'm really trying not to worry about what tomorrow will hold. That doesn't mean that I'm not upset, angry, and devestated, because I am. But I refuse to let this control me right now.

There will be plenty of time to fall apart later.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


One HPT (Answer Early Result)=BFN

I'm not really that surprised. I had a feeling that would happen-or, wouldn't happen-this time around.

Not even a "hmmm, is that a second line" debate with the husband. Just one line.

*sigh*-looks like the only waiting I'll be doing is waiting for the red flow to start.

Hope has now officially left the building.

Friday, November 18, 2005

11dp3dt-The Waiting Game

Yeah, I'm starting to get a little antsy in the pantsy about whether or not this round has worked.

I'm not sure whether I'll test tomorrow or Sunday (or both). I don't have any Evil Pee Sticks lying around, so that means that I'll have to go and buy some-any suggestions on good ones? I hate having to interpret those fucking things. You know, you look at it in different angles, in natural vs. bright light. It's like a psychic interpreting tarot carts. But, it's a necessary evil-there is NO way that I'm not going in prepared, or at least semi-prepared (because there's always a chance that it's wrong), since I have to sit through a faculty meeting on Monday afternoon. Which REALLY sucks, considering that we have a shortened week (Two and a half days). Jerks.

I'm really tired today-I took a nap after school today-and have a slight headache. Had some more weird brownish spotting (if I were looking for a Crayola color, I'd say it was a shade of Raw Sienna) on the pantyliner that I've taken to wearing, but not heavy-just a streak. No cramping today, though, which is a good thing, I guess. I also noticed that the boobs don't really hurt as much today-usually they're really heavy feeling and sore, especially when they're released from the tit-sling-all due to that lovely progesterone).

Tomorrow afternoon we're going to see the new Harry Potter movie-woot! We were going to go tonight, but it's going to be a nuthouse at the theater, and, quite frankly, I don't want my progesterage to kick in. So, hopefully we'll see the movie and have a decent dinner, then I'll get my ass shot that night.

So, that's it-I'm really happy that it's Friday, all in all. The week went by pretty quickly, but this weekend is really gonna drag, so I need to make sure that I'm busy as possible, so as not to obsess.

Waiting sucks.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

10dp3dt-Top Five

Top 5 Reasons That I Think I'm Pregnant:

5. Strange hunger issues-I'm starving by 10am after eating a full breakfast at 8am.
4. Boobs are HUGE and sore as hell.
3. I have tons of veins on my chest and boobs that are close to the surface.
2. Light pinkish to brownish spotting, only when I go to the bathroom (and "#2" at that).
1. Cramping

Top 5 Reasons That I think That I'm Not Pregnant:

5. Strange hunger issues-I'm starving by 10am after eating a full breakfast at 8am.
4. Boobs are HUGE and sore as hell.
3. I have tons of veins on my chest and boobs that are close to the surface.
2. Light pinkish to brownish spotting, only when I go to the bathroom (and "#2" at that).
1. Cramping


Ladies, firstly, thanks for the comments. I'm really hoping that it really is implantation spotting. But, I have the growing suspicion that all is not well, and the cycle is a bust. Which blows, but hey-they weren't good embies to begin with, and, let's face it-why should I get any good luck coming my way?
Had a little more spotting this afternoon. I noticed today, for the first time, that I see this spotting (browish reddish pink) only after I feel cramping. The cramping feels very similar to the type of cramps you get around your period. So, I don't know if I'm doing too much at school (too much walking/stairs) or what. I also don't have any spotting in the undies-it's only when I go to the bathroom and wipe after I do my "business". No blood in the toilet, either. So, I don't know what the hell to think.

T-minus 4 days and counting, until we all know, one way or another.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

9dp3dt-Out, Spot!

This afternoon, after having a nice lunch (leftover homemade eggplant parm, bread, and fresh pineapple). I go into the bathroom to take a pee. When I went to wipe, there it was-a streak of blood. Not blood in the sense of dense, red, but a pinkish mucus-tinged streak.

After my mini-freakout, I called the RE's office and spoke to Nursey P. She said that it's normal to spot, that sometimes it's "implantation spotting". She said that even if my period starts, she wants me to continue the PIO and still go for Monday's beta-apparently some women will get what they think is a period, but they're actually pregnant. She reassured me that I'm doing all I can right now, but that there isn't much else that anyone can do.

Fuck. Fuckfuckyfuckityfuck.

So now I'm obsessively going to the bathroom and checking. I peed again after my last class at 3:10pm and there was no blood, just that EWCM again. Then I came home, peed again and saw a small streak of brown in the mucus. I'm still feeling a little crampy this afternoon, but not painful.

Yes, I know that it's still too early to tell, really. I know that Nursey P might be right and it's implantation bleeding. I even know that every sign I have can be interpreted as pregnant. But, they can also be interpreted as "not pregnant" either. I'm afraid to pee on the Evil Sticks-what if they're wrong,? What if they're right?

I hate not being able to trust my own body. I hate that I even have to go through this, when so many other people can just spread their thighs and enjoy it. I hate not knowing.

I'm trying so hard to be positive about this whole journey, that what is meant to be, will be. But when that little bitch Hope moves into your life, she doesn't necessarily want to pull up stakes.

Five more days to go. Five more days.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

8dp3dt-Crampy Coochy

Today is crampy day-I'm having period-like crampiness, but there's no bleeding. In fact, there's a mucusy-like discharge coming from down south. I noticed it beginning last night, on the toilet, as I went to wipe. There was this...............well...........there was this whitish mucus hanging out of my cooter (yeah, it's TMI, but it's a part of this journey, right?). It reminded me of EWCM, but a little thicker (thick enough to hang out of my choch). It was kinda gross and threw me for a minute. But, since then, I keep thinking that I'm spotting, and I go to the toilet and it's this EWCM.

Now, the last time I had similar discharge, back in July, I was also on the twat rockets, so I attributed it to them. Now, who the hell knows-I guess the progesterone is making everything all riled up in repro-land.

I haven't tested again-there really isn't any point in doing it, at least until Friday or Saturday. I don't want to make myself any more insane than I already am. I just wish that I knew already. I hate obsessing over these signs and symptoms and trying to deduce whether they are "real" or not.

Today Jenna came over with M to give me my shot. When she walked in, she told me "I have something for you". "You do?" I asked, "What?" She opened her hand to reveal a Spider-Man bandaid, just for me. She said, "Mommy said that I can put this on your tushie after you get your medicine"............so cute.

I also was catching up in Bloglandia and saw Thalia's sad news-if you get a chance, please drop her a line..........she needs all the support you can give. It just really sucks.

Totally and utterly sucks.

Monday, November 14, 2005

7dp3dt-T-Minus One Week and Counting

One week until beta day. Wow.

This will probably be the worst week of all. The week which will crawl by.

Today's annoying side effect is heachache-I've had a headache since yesterday afternoon. No amount of Tylenol that I've taken in the past 24 hours (no, I didn't OD) will take away the pain-it just dulls it a bit, but it's still making it's prescence known. Blech.

I also haven't been sleeping that well in the past few days. I keep getting up in the middle of the night, usually to pee. Last night, my eyes snapped open at 4:30 am, and I tossed and turned (after peeing) for about an hour, drifted off, then heard the alarm go off at 6:05am-lovely. So, I've been feeling like a zombie all day today.

I did an HPT this morning, just to see if the HCG shot was out of my system yet. It came up negative, so I'm pretty sure that there's nothing there anymore. That way, when I test at the end of the week (I decided to fuck it all and just do it) I won't worry that it's a false positive or anything. Of course, seeing a BFN sucked, but I do also know that it's waaay too early to see anything-if it took, implantation would have taken place anytime after 5-6 dp transfer.

I went back to work this morning, which was okay-it's just exhausting in general, but add IVF to the equation, and it's just a hot mess. If I can just get through the next week, then it'll be Thanksgiving Break, and I can gorge myself on turkey (and wine, if the beta's a negative).

Did I mention that I hate waiting? Argh.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

6dp3dt-Hungry Hungry Hippo

Here's today's slightly annoying symptom of the two week wait-hunger.

Here's an example: I woke up this morning at around 6:45 (ungodly, I know, but I had to cantor the 8, 9:30 and 11 am masses this morning), and ate breakfast at 7:10 or so-a bowl of Cream of Wheat, a bowl of fresh pineapple and a cup of Irish Breakfast decaf tea, with some juice to wash the prenatal down. Went off to church, and by 10am my stomach starts to cramp and growl:

"pssstt......pssstt........FEED ME!!!"

Holy crap, I need to eat something-anything. Luckily the Parish Families had coffee and donuts after mass.......so I scramble downstairs for a hearty slice of crumbcake.......ah......better.

Then, two hours later, after the 11am mass, there it was again:

"psssst.......hey...........HUNGRY!!!" *insert nasty stomach growling/grinding noises here*

"Uh, hey, didn't I just feed you some crumbcake?"

"yeah, but it's not cutting it, bitch-we need FOOD!"

"Okay, right, hold up there.......I'll figure it out"

Off I truck to go grocery shopping. I decide that it's really not in either my best interest or my wallet's to go to the A&P hungry, so I make a detour to the Golden Arches for a cheeseburger.

Go and shop, tummy full. Get my goodies and come home around 2:30, unpack and put away groceries. Turn on laptop, and hear:

"pssst............hey..........we're baaaaack...........guess what we want............"

"Holy motherfucking shit, leave me ALONE! You just had McDonald's, for fuck's sake! That wasn't enough??"

"uh...........that was, like TWO HOURS ago.....you've gotta be kidding...........you'd better feed us or else we'll give you a MONSTER headache..."

"All right ALL RIGHT!!! FINE!" (reaching for the bag of Green Mountain Gringo Tortilla Strips)

Now, this conversation between me and my stomach has happened only once before, about three months ago. Do I dare to hope, to dream? I want it to be true, but I'm afraid to hope.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

5dp3dt-Miss Crankypants Checking In

My irritability has really kicked in today. Basically, just the mere fact that my husband lives and breathes is particularly irksome today.

Right now, he's watching "Rocky III"..........can we say WORST.......MOVIE.......EVER! Oh my good God, I just want to put my foot through the tv right now-it's like nails on a chalkboard listing to Sly Stallone's bad acting and the even worst writing. Of course, Sean's in 80's flashback nostalgic heaven, so I don't want to totally freak out. So I'm trying to keep my mouth shut (except for the ocassional backhanded inserts of "dumb movie" at least once during each scene-I can't help it).

Let's see, what signs and symptoms can I obsess over today? Hmmm.......I had slight crampiness today. I'm congested, but I think that it's my allergies. I'm bloated, really bloated. Like, I look about five months along bloated (fucking progesterone). I have a pain right under my ribs on my right side, like a constant stitch-slightly irritating but not painful. I'm tired, bitchy, and my ass looks like a wondrous technicolor dreamcoat of purples, pinks and yellows (depending on how old the bruise is). Oh, yeah, forgot about that constipation too. I'm eating apples and fiber like a champ. It's REALLY gonna suck when that resolves itself.

Yeah, that's about summing it up. I'm a crankypants moody bruised bloated crampy stuffy poop-stuffed woman. And, there's only 9 more days to go.

I am totally gonna test next weekend-fuck it. I can't deal.

Friday, November 11, 2005

All Gone

There were no embryos that made it to day five, so there wasn't anything to freeze.

Sucks. I really didn't expect any to make it, since they weren't really good. But it still sucks.

I really hope that it worked this time. It's like God is telling me that I don't need any left, that this is the last time.

Whether that means that I'm pregnant and it's all good, or I'm not pregnant and I won't be doing this again, remains to be seen.

Just. plain. sucks.

4dp3dt-Progesterone-Induced Dreams

This morning I woke up from a very vivid dream, thanks to that wonder-drug, progesterone. In my dream, I was cleaning a kitchen-specifically, what looked like a grilltop stove, which was filthy and greasy. I've never seen this kitchen before. My mother-in-law was there. She was talking about how she was pregnant, and that it "just happened" and that Big C (her husband) was so happy. She said that "the next thing we knew, it happened AGAIN". Throughout this whole dream, I didn't react at all or say a word to her-I just let her babble-but kept scrubbing the grease out of the stovetop and countertop (I specifically remember scrubbing in the corner of the countertops). Then (I never saw her, it was as if I had my back to her) she shoves a baby at me, as if to show it off. I just got a glimpse of a foot covered in those one-piece outfits before I woke up.

It totally reminds me of a dream I had two months ago about my own mother being pregnant. But, it was weird, I wasn't angry in this dream, more resigned and trying to avoid the conversation than anything else.

What does this all mean, you ask? I have no fucking clue. I just think that I'm screwed up. I wish I knew someone that I could ask about them, who could interpret them for me, so I could actually see if I need to be committed.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

I hate progesterone. But, at least it doesn't give you a hangover afterwards.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

3dp3dt-Progestesheen and the Hunger Pangs

Sounds a lot like a Vegas lounge act, doesn't it? Or the opening act for a doo-wop revival tour.

That lovely greasy shine to my skin and hair has begun, otherwise known as "progestesheen". God, I love this drug-Sean has now taken to calling me "his little oil slick". He'd better not even try the "greasy Italian" jokes, or else Progesterage will set in and I'll tear his arms off.

Well, at least I don't have to moisturize as much, right? I'm saving money on body lotion. See, infertility can be money-saving (NOT)!

The hunger has set in, as well. I remember this from the last time-I get hungry within a few hours after I eat, and have to eat something again. For example, I had breakfast at 8:45 this morning-three slices of bacon and a two egg omelet with cheese and tomato, and then by 11 I had to have something, so I ate a bowl of fresh pineapple (yum), one of those little Laughing Cow cheese and cracker things (if you're not sure what I'm talking about, they're really good). At 12 I ate a piece of the personal pan pizza I ordered for Sean last night. And, I'm meeting a friend for lunch at around 1:30.......geez..........can we say obsessed with food? I know you can......gooood.

Of course, the last time I had hunger pangs like that I was pregnant, so could it be? Doubt it, it's too early-it's gotta be the combo of the fucking progesterone and the leftover HCG shot. Shit. I need to watch myself, or else I'm going to start looking like an oompah-loompah (doompidy-doo!).

I've still got a bit of a potbelly, but that's also due to the lovely drug cocktail running through my veins. At least I can fit into my jeans, albeit the low rise ones that let my belly hang over. I've just gotta wear loose shirts over it all, or else I really look about three months along.

Sheesh-all these damn drugs simulate pregnancy, to the point that you're looking and feeling pregnant, and you have no idea whether or not you actually are-what a mind-fuck, right?

In other news, we're out of school for the next two days, due to teacher convention, which is nice. I mean, I haven't been back since the retrieval, but it's still nice to know that I don't have to call out sick or anything. I do have a lot of shit to do, like grocery shopping, but I'll try to take it easy all the same.

It's only been three days past the transfer, and I still have 11 days to go. I hate waiting.

Patience is not one of my strong points. Sucks to be me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

2dp3dt-Progesterone is Still My New Best Friend

Today feels like a good day, so far. I'm feeling better-much more so than in past days. I think that the bloating is finally going down........I think that the progesterone is making me.....uh......well, let's just say that it's not fun to go to the bathroom. Within the past two days, I ate an entire bag of Whole Foods sliced apples, as well as a container of celery (didn't eat the carrots, don't like 'em) packed in water. I don't know what it is, but I crave foods with lots of water in them, tomatoes, apples, celery. I guess it's my body telling me that it needs more water. Holy crap, those apples were GOOD.......well, if that doesn't help, nothing will!

It reminds me of a prior post that Cat wrote about the lovely word play on the wonders of fertility medications. So, here's another one:

Progestipation-lack of digestive "movement" due to the massive amounts of progesterone surging throughout your body and, conveniently, slowing down your digestive tract.

Heh. Feel free to add your own. I've been told by my mother to get used to this, if I do get pregnant..........greaaaat. Can't wait.

Today M can't do my PIO shot, because she has to stay late at the hospital for some meeting, so I had to ask my mother-in-law to come over. Yes, I know, I said that I wasn't going to involve her, but sometimes M can't always be here on time to do the shots. And, my mother is over an hour away. And I'm not about to let Sean near my ass with a needle. Plus, my parents and his dad knew that we were doing the cycle, and I felt slightly guilty-especially if this works and we do get pregnant, she might get upset that she was the only one that didn't know. Sean didn't even have to remind her to keep it quiet-right away, she told him that he doesn't need to worry, she was only going to tell Big C (her husband) and that's it. I guess she finally gets it.

Anyway, I feel good today, good enough to possibly venture out for a bit. I'm still a little sore, and can't do sudden movements (like I really want to, anyway), but it's all good.

So far

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

A Mixed Bag-1dp3dt

The transfer went okay. Unfortunately, the quality of the embryos weren't good as the last fresh cycle. Out of 18 eggs, only 6 made it to day three-three grade-2 embies and 3 grade-3 embies. The last fresh transfer we had were two "perfect" Grade-1 8-celled embryos.

Dr. Vest recommended, because of the quality, transferring three embryos instead of two, to maximize our chances. So, we transferred in two Grade-2 7 celled and one Grade-2 6 celled embies. I was a little apprehensive about it-what if they all take? But, unfortunately, the likeihood of that seems pretty slim. We still don't know if the other three will make it to tomorrow (they only freeze embies at day-5)-given the quality, I seriously doubt it.

It was kinda cool to see the embies going in on the ultrasound machine (he does transfers using guided ultrasound). It was also gross to see that my ovaries are still enlarged, and that I'm still at a risk for getting OHSS-I'm still drinking like a fiend. I'm sore as hell, though-I didn't feel that way the last time, but that was because at that point my stomach was so distended that I wasn't feeling anything but pressure and the lack of breath. So Tylenol has become my NBF (new best friend)...

I'm also slightly nauseated, like there's food that's sitting above my breastbone. I've never felt this before; but, then again, this is the first time I'm doing the PIO shots from the very beginning-maybe it's from that? I took two Tums because the agita was gross this morning.

So, here we are. It's weird, but I'm thinking that it's my last chance. I don't know if I could go through a fresh cycle a third time-it's so physically, emotionally and psychologically draining. Now it's the two week wait. I think that I will cheat this time and take an HPT the day before the beta, which is on 11/21. It's either gonna be a great or a shitty Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

And the Bloating Begins.....

Yep, it's started. I sort of expected it to, you know, with 18 eggs and all.

But, the good news is that so far, it isn't horribly uncomfortable, like the last time.

I'm drinking like a fiend-I've had 1.5 liters of Pedialyte, 2/3 of a carton of pineapple juice, water (I'm trying to alternate the flavored fluids with water), a glass of V-8 juice (low sodium) and I've been peeing like a racehorse......and, so far, it's been clear as the toilet water.

The only bad thing (and which is why I need to back off the pineapple juice) is......well.......my bowels aren't exactly happy with all this fluid intake. I think that it's the combination of the antibiotics and the citrus, and it's doing a number on my digestive tract. So let's add that to the equation, shall we? Sore cooter, sore butt, sore belly. Ain't IVF fun?

Other than that, I feel pretty good, much better than I did at this stage of the game last time. I'm hungry, I can breathe, I'm peeing extremely regularly. I am bloated, definitely, but nothing like the last time. I'm feeling more discomfort in my ovaries/abdomen this time, so I'm doping up in Extra Strength Tylenol and it's keeping the twinges at bay.

Sean's been a real trooper through this. He's being the "drinks nazi"-making sure that my fluid intake/output is adequate, cooking breakfast and dinner, making trips to the store for more Pedialyte and Ensure (I read somewhere that it can help-it's high in potassium and protein), and provides moral support. He's gonna make a great dad, someday.

So far, the transfer is set for Monday morning, 10:30am. Assuming that everything's okay (no call, but they usually don't unless there's a problem), we'll put back two embryos in, with possible assisted hatching. We won't do more than two due to my age (33) and the fact that I have a strong history of twins in both sides of my family (three sets on my dad's side, two on my mom's side-one of them being her brother and sister), but as long as one takes, that's fine with me.

Friday, November 04, 2005


and woozy, but finally home.

They got 18 eggs. I was a little uncomfortable afterwards, so they gave me some Demerol.

I was fine until the drive home, then got carsick (there was a fair bit of traffic on the way home). Luckily, Sean had a plastic bag in the car for me to barf in.

Otherwise, I feel okay, but tired.

I'm armed with plenty of Pedalyte and drinks-lets hope it's enough to stave off the OHSS.

I'll post more later, once I'm more awake.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Ready to Roll

I went this morning to Dr. Vest's office for my scheduled monitoring. Of course, during this whole process the waiting in the office for bloodletting and wanding hasn't been bad. But, because I had to go to work today, the office was packed. I got there at twenty to eight and left at twenty after nine, which got me to work at five to ten-argh!

So, here's the news. There are "10+" follicles on each side (I think that they said around 24-26 again), ranging from 13-15 mm in size. The not so good news is that my E2 levels are as follows (according to blood draws):

Tonight's protocol is-75IU of Follistim at 8pm, then HCG trigger (10,000 units) at 11:30pm. Retrieval is set for 10am Friday morning.

Needless to say, I'm scared shitless that I'll get OHSS like the last time. Nursey P. said that the levels are "a little high", but they wouldn't let me go through this if I was going to be in danger. I looked online and I found out that the E2 levels should be 100-200 per follicle, so, assuming that I have 26 or so, that would be accurate enough.

Going through all that shit again is a sobering thought, though-it takes all the excitement out of the egg retrieval.

This time I'm going to be prepared. I'm going to look up info to see if I can try to prevent it-my mother-in-law said that pineapple juice was a natural diuretic. I thought she was full of shit, but I looked it up, and, lo and behold, she's right. I'll get some of that, Gatorade (although it makes me want to barf), Pedalyte, and lots of water. Tonight, tomorrow night, and every night after ER, I'll measure my belly and weigh myself to see if there's any excessive weight gain. And, I'm not going to be a martyr-if I feel like shit on Saturday or Sunday, I'm going to the emergency room-fuck it.

Dr. Vest has been really great about this whole cycle. He was there early this morning so he could see my ultrasound-he made Mr. Techhie do it twice so he could see the sizes himself, and told me that he didn't want to wait any longer than Friday to do the retrieval. He's made sure to keep me in the loop and doesn't dismiss my concerns. He's awesome.

Now, if I could only get and stay pregnant-then he'd be a hero, at least in my eyes.

In other news, I was woken up at 4:45 this morning to the sound of Peaches retching, conveniently, she was on our bed (and on my side, no less). Sean tried to move her out of the way and onto the hardwood floor, which partially succeeded-she only got a blob on the beautiful quilt that I got from Eddie Bauer. Still, I had a feeling that it was gonna be that kind of day.

So, anyone out there who's reading (and, thanks for the comments about my breasts and their anger issues-we've decided to go to counseling to address their "issues"), please say a prayer to whomever you talk to, that it will end up okay for me.

I need all the prayers that I can get.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Angry Boobies

Okay, I really don't remember whether or not this happened the last fresh cycle I had, but my tits hurt. I mean really HURT. They're tender, veiny, and my aureola and nipples are big and purplish. Yeah, it's TMI, but tough shit-y'all can deal. We've dealt with much worse, right?

Sean said this morning that they look ANGRY, and he's right. Like they're saying "Hey, what the FUCK? Don't you think we have enough to deal with? It's bad enough that we're normally large and can't find clothing to properly fit us, that we're not properly "perky" and, when released from the tit sling, droop like some exotic Amazonian Indian right out of National Geographic, or that bra shopping is akin to having a colonoscopy without anesthesia....you're pulling THIS shit!?!?

Let's add to the mix that I'm bloated in the belly (the pooch is starting to show), sore and bruised as hell because I had a "bleeder" last night with my Follistim injection, and exhausted.

Not a pretty picture.

So, my angry boobies are making their unpleasantness known today. I wish they'd just shut the fuck up-my ovaries are being divas and tap dancing across my abdominal cavity.

Take a number, girls. The follicles are further up on the food chain right now.