Saturday, September 03, 2005

Dreams

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I keep waking up at odd times-usually around 3am. Mostly, it's because I'm having really vivid, fucked up dreams. Normally, I don't remember my dreams, but lately I wake up with them fresh in my mind.

Here's the one I woke up with this morning:

In my dream, my mother was pregnant, with twins. I was at my parent's house, just wandering around, agitated at seeing my mother's moderately swollen belly. She was upset, crying for some reason, probably because I was screaming "Fuck you, it's supposed to be ME! It's MY turn!" over and over again. I didn't see my father, but in my dream he was present somehow. My mother kept saying "It wasn't my fault!" and I just kept yelling and screaming at her, saying "How could you do this to me! You knew I was next!" And, then I woke up and started to cry-the emotions in my dream seemed to carry through to my waking state.

Weird. And, even more bizarre because it was my mother, not anyone friends/colleagues that are pregnant. The anger and agitation is pretty self-explanatory.

But, why twins? Maybe because I was at school yesterday and saw L, the teacher who did IVF around the same time as me and got pregnant with twins (a boy and a girl, they found out). But then, why wasn't the dream about her?

Needless to say, this restlessness isn't helping my state of mind. I'm constantly feeling exhausted and run-down, which isn't good for starting work on Tuesday. I feel adrift in a sea of fertile women. I try so hard to hope and trust that this next round of IVF will be the one, but I'm feeling that I can't even trust my own body to cooperate. It's so damn frustrating.

For the first time in my life, instead of celebrating my individuality, my need to march to the beat of my own drummer, I long to be just like everyone else.

Ironic, isn't it? I certainly think so.

2 comments:

cat said...

Wow, yeah do I understand that wanting to be totally average when it comes to this fertility stuff. It is ironic.

betty said...

Yeah it's crazy to want to be average after years of youth trying to be different, I think about that a lot.
Perhaps you could do a google search on dreams to investigate it's meaning.