Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Would You Like a Side of Bitter with your Meal?

Opening weekend went really well. The audiences were great, and no major fuckups. Special props go out to Shelli, Narda and Dawn, who trekked out to see the show-I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it, and it was so nice to see you, albeit for a short time :(

On another note, I'm feeling exhausted and irritable. All I want to do is sleep, and I can't-I've got church rehearsal tonight, a brush-up at the theatre tomorrow, and another church rehearsal on Thursday. I'm also waiting for my period to come (nothing yet, but I'm not sure how this period will be, since it's the first "normal" one after the miscarriage), so that I can start the whole appointment spiel with Dr. Vest's office, which I'm not looking forward to. I'm just tired of the whole process. I'm afraid that something will go wrong again, that I'll develop OHSS again, or that it won't work again.

We had our first choir Sunday the other day, and the whole theme of the readings were about faith. It got me thinking-do I have enough faith that this whole mess of IF will be resolved? I am amazed at people who have such faith, despite the horrible things that occur in their lives. How can they be so confident, so assured? There's this one woman in our choir (an older woman) who's been through the loss of twins (she was forced to deliver them after the doctors discovered that they were dead in utero), her husband's (of 50 years) descent into the hell of Alzheimer's Disease, and the fact that her living children will not help her in any way. She has such faith in God, that she will have the strength-how? I think that I've talked about her before...she was the woman who came up to us and asked us if we were having problems having kids, and was the woman who told me about St. Gerard. Anyways, she's so confident that I'm going to have a baby, and is always so positive about this belief. There are times that I'm so grateful for the support, but on the other hand, I just want to ask her "How do you know? HOW?"

Sometimes I wonder if God put her in my life to reinforce that concept of faith. To show me that there are people who believe, who think that this will happen, and I need to have this kind of faith as well.

Lately, I really don't feel like talking about infertility. In fact, when M called me before and asked me about IVF#2, I told her "My reproductive organs are not up for discussion right now". I felt like a rude bitch afterwards (since she got quiet on the phone), so I tried to explain that lately I feel as if people are defining me not as S, the theatre-loving music teacher who has a great husband, friends and family, but S, the sterile woman who can't have kids on her own. I don't want people's pity. I don't want that to be the only thing that people think that they can talk to me about. There's more to my life than the sorry state of my Fallopian tubes, thankyouverymuch. I think that she got it, but then again, sometimes I wonder if she has ever gotten it. She got pregnant the month after she went off the Pill, so how would she know? You can't make people understand, especially if they can't relate to it.

I just feel so bitter and sad lately, like I'm walking a tightrope of emotions, and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down and crying. Some days are really good, but I resent the majority of days, when the reality of my infertility pierces through and casts a dark cloud over my daily life. Call it depression, call it PMS, call it whatever you want.......it sucks, though.

I just want to be like everyone else. Why is that such a bad thing?


Shelli said...

I wonder the same thing, constantly dear S.

And sometimes I think, we all are fucked up and have problems. Just different ones....

Regardless, sending MUCH love your way, and specefically to your amazingly theatre loving awesome singing self.

thousands of hugs and kisses...


Heather said...

Glad to hear the show went great!

Sorry you're feeling this way. I've been having a tough time lately too. I think I'm starting to get to another "I don't want to discuss it" mode.

On the faith. I have faith that a higher power is watching out for me and will make sure my destiny unfolds as it's intended to. What that destiny is, I'm not sure, but I'm sure someday it'll all make sense as to why I had to go through these trials of my patience.

cat said...

Know exactly how you are feeling. I've so wanted just to be normal with this fertility stuff. I never wanted to be this kind of "special".

We are so many other things and thank you for reminding me of that today.

Wishing you the best this weekend with your shows and rehersals and everything. May sleep be found inbetween it all.

betty said...

Yeah I know how you feel too. It's horrible that your life seems to revolve around IF so then friends and family always ask about that stuff before anything else. It gets hard to remember that there is more to you than IF stuff too...but remember who you are and all the wonderful things about yourself.