Monday, March 27, 2006

Infertility IS funny, Dammit!

In making a consultation with A Big Important Clinic, there are tons of forms that need to be filled out. For our upcoming appointment next Tuesday, I had to fill out a twelve page medical application, release forms and also send out a copy of my medical records along with the completed application prior to the consult. As a part of the paperwork, there was a section of the application titled "Genetic Screening", to see if we were candidates for genetic counseling. I sort of knew my history (I have a cousin who is a hemophiliac and I was once tested for thalassemia), but I had to call the Mother-In-Law for Sean's history. The conversation went like this:

Me: "Okay, I have to ask you some questions for this medical consult to see if there are any genetic disorders-you just have to answer yes or no."

MIL: "Okay"

Me: "Thalassemia?"

MIL: "What's that?" (Yeah, and she's a nurse-really comforting, right?)

Me: "It's a blood disorder-a type of anemia that's inherited."

MIL: ""

Me: "Huntington's Chorea, Muscular Dystrophy or Neural Tube Defect?"

MIL: "No"

Me: "Cystic Fibrosis, Hemophilia, Tay Sachs, or Down Syndrome?"

MIL: "Nope"

Me: "Mental Retardation?"

MIL: ".........."

Me: "Hello?"

MIL: " DID marry him, you know"


It's good to have a sense of humor when you're doing this, or else you're fucked.

Figuratively, of course-hence the need for the IVF consult.

HARHARHAHAHAA-I fucking slay me.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Ba-Da Choo Choo

The Dutch Oven Olympic Event originally scheduled ended up being a draw. I think we both burned our nosehairs out due to the gas. However, the next day was when all the tasty goodness smelling stuff really came out.........just in time for Mass. Grrreat.....

I have to admit something horrible, and I can't even believe that I'm going to post it; but, here goes:

If I'm teaching and I have gas, I'll walk around the classroom, let one loose behind the kids, then watch as they totally turn on each other to find out who farted. It's actually pretty hilarious, especially with third and fourth graders.

There, I said it. And, depending on which school I'm in, it's quite satisfying.


On Sunday, after Mass, we went to my aunt and uncle's for my cousin Joseph's 2nd birthday party. The theme was "Thomas the Tank Engine", which he is currently obsessed with. He runs around and yells "Ba-Da CHOO CHOO" whenever the show goes on the air. Well, the house was filled with kids-my aunt has four nephews, Gigi had a friend there. Presents were opened, and I totally couldn't deal with it. I started out okay, then started having a small panic attack, made up a fictitious headache, and told Sean we had to live NOW. Now I know why I should swear off children's parties. It's getting harder and harder to be around kids lately. Especially since it's still unclear as to whether or not we'll have children of our own.

15 days and counting until the consult with BigImportantClinic. And I can't wait. I'd never have thought that I would miss infertilty treatment. Actually, it isn't the treatment itself that I miss, but the hope that it brings with it.

If you could call sticking yourself with needles, getting felt up by a wand monkey and becoming a hormonal, fat mess hopeful. But, when IVF is your only option, I guess hope is all you've got.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Oh, Gawd.......

Please pump my stomach........please.....

Had the small, requisite bit of CB&C (corned beef and cabbage), salmon, boiled potato and carrot so as to not offend the mother-in-law. I do have to give props out to her, though-she is a good cook. She even made boiled meat and veg taste good, which alone is a feat considering how it's cooked-blech. Gimme a plate of ziti with sugo and a hunk of crusty panelle any day-at least it has some taste to it. But, it wasn't that bad, really.

She even made homemade soda bread, which was damn good. I had a few slices of that, too-yummy.

Which is why I think that my stomach will explode any minute. I need a colonic, anything to remove the gas pains. I even had to UNBUTTON MY PANTS..........yikes. I need to SERIOUSLY go back on the South Beach Diet-this is ridiculous. I'm not going to be able to fit into my faboo new dress I bought today for the formal night on our cruise. I can barely fit into my comfy jeans right now, and the thought of getting into a bathing suit in four weeks is enough to get me scrambling for a Xanax. In other words, ladies-I'm seriously fucked. If I don't lose 10 pounds, I might as well get two Hefty Cinch-Sacks and some kitchen twine and make myself a tankini, because that's about all I'm gonna fit into right now.

Of course, Sean had three full helpings, along with cake and two cups of coffee (Irish Creme, 'natch). I almost left him at his mothers so she can enjoy the noxious fumes that will undoubtedly start to leak from his rectum. At least I didn't put the new comforter set on the extra bed yet. That way, if he gets kicked out of the bed tonight, we won't have the EPA knocking on our door and declaring that lovely new set part of a toxic waste area.

Although, at this moment I'm starting to feel a "rumble in the Bronx", so I bet that I give Sean a run for his money, flatulence-ly speaking. So if he tries to smoke me out, he's in for a big shock.

Let the Dutch-Oven Olympic Games Begin! If I'm still alive tomorrow, I'll post the results. If not..........well, I'm sure it will be on the news.......

Bleh-What a week.

Yeah, I'm still here. There really hasn't been much to write about.

No, that's really not totally true-there has been a lot, but it's work related and I swore that I wouldn't post about anything job related just in case. In a nutshell, things at one of my schools is getting out of control, there is no admin support and it's becoming a toxic environment. My director won't transfer me, so, it's either deal with it or look for a job in another district.

You know it's bad when an para tells you that the principal told her that "in our school there are three groups: 'my' girls, Mr. VP's 'girls', and the group that nobody else likes".

Nice, huh? Can you guess which group I'm in? Can you? Let's just say that I'm not anyone's "girl". Not that I care anyway. I'm not one for being in a group-I like it my own way.

Needless to say, it's been stressful at the jobfront. I'm not really in the position right now to get a job in another district, not with infertility treatments looming over us. As a tenured teacher, I'm in a much better position when it comes to this-if I were non-tenured and doing IVF, I'd probably be let go at the end of the year due to numerous absences. Plus, I want to finish my graduate degree (only 20 credits-three semesters-to go); that way, I'm more marketable when looking for a new job (and I can get more money). Sigh.........just another worry to add on to the pile.

Be back later-we're going to the mother-in-law's for a belated Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner (I can't stand the stuff....must be the Italian in me)-can you tell that I'm excited?

I'd rather poke a badger with a spoon right now, actually.

Friday, March 10, 2006


I've decided to start something weekly, just for fun. Some people are doing the Photo Friday thing (which looks pretty cool-once we get the new desktop I'll have to start to participate), so I thought that perhaps I'll also do something.

It's going to be called the "Fuck You, Jobu!" Award. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, there's a prior post I did about my buddy Jobu. So, it's for that special someone out there who's pissing you off, whether it be a boss, friend, enemy, or a general all-around asshole. You can award it to whoever or whatever in your life pisses you the fuck off. Yeah, it's childish, but I guarantee screaming "FUCK YOU, JOBU!!!" a few times will make you feel better (if not, some Valium might be sufficient) and give you a little giggle.

I thought that this first award should go to to Mr. Sensitivity himself, Joe Issacs, RESOLVE President and CEO, for this interesting little interview which appeared in Newsweek. Supposedly, Mr. Issacs contends that his remarks were taken "out of context". Riiiight........

He pretty much said that younger women undergoing IF have infertility problems (which I guess I am, since I started trying this bullshit when I was 29) because they drink, smoke, are promiscuous, and are overweight. That's akin to saying that old adage, pre-Kinsey, that kissing would make you pregnant. What a freaking retard. If that were true, I'd be able to populate a small country by now, and I'd be picking my uterus up off the floor from overuse.

Now, that's not to say that there was total untruth in the article. Yeah, there are much more infertilte women, and infertile younger women, in society today. But, isn't it also true that the testing methods today as opposed to even 10 years ago are more sophisticated? It took my grandmother (my dad's mom) seven years to get pregnant with my dad, who's an only child due to miscarriages afterwards. And, that was almost 70 years ago, when there was basically no way to know why people couldn't get pregnant. Medical testing has gotten so sensitive that you can tell 5 days before your period is due whether or not you're up the pole, so why, pray tell, wouldn't we be able to diagnose infertility issues earlier in women?

What about the women, like me, with tubal infertility? Yes, many cases of tubal infertility are caused by undiagnosed STD's, but not in my case. I remember distinctly asking Dr. Vest about that, and he said that a lot of tubal cases are as simple as an undiagnosed bowel infection, ruptured appendix, or any kind of infection or disease that is resistent to antibiotics. And, that's not even getting into genetic or congenital disorders. So, Joe, are you implying that a 25 year old with uterine/tubal abnormalities who got it from a mother or grandmother who took DES is at fault? What about Premature Ovarian Failure? PCOS? Secondary Infertility? Environmental factors? Paleeze.....

Maybe I'm overreacting, but it's like telling a woman who was date-raped that she "brought it on herself". How neandrathal is that? And, people, this guy is the PRESIDENT AND CEO OF A NATIONAL INFERTILITY GROUP. Un-fucking-belivable. They should nail his balls to the wall after that fiasco. I almost fell over when I read the article. It's a slap in the face of every woman and man (because, yeah, there are infertile men too) who have gone through hell and back to have a child. And, I think that it's sad that there are so many people who have actually given money to this organization to help other infertiles, when their own president has such ass-backwards thinking. And, didn't try to do enough damage control when the article first came out. Just blamed the media, saying that he was misquoted. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Regardless as to whether or not the article was written out of context, the fact remains that he, as the public face of an organization, needs to be extremely careful that what he says in public can't be misconstrued. Many people have preconceived (heh, there's that word again....) notions about the hows and whys of infertilty, and this guy just validated them all. Yeah, let's try to lobby for the Family Building Act in Congress now, folks. Like those Senators and Congressmen who are against it won't be using that article as fuel for their fire.

Yeah, I smoked, years and years ago. I socially drink. I'm not (and never did) sleep around or got an STD. And, the 10 or so pounds I put on is due to fertility medication. So, what's my excuse for not having children? I guess I'm not the "norm", according to the article.

So, Joe, a hearty "FUCK YOU, JO(E)BU" goes out to you and your stupidity. Hopefully none of these infertiles will ever find out where you live, otherwise I'm sure you'll have tons of dog shit on your doorstep.

Now, go out and get me another carton of Marlboro's while I finish this case of beer and bucket o' wings before the merchant marines get here for a good 'ol time later. Oh, yeah, don't forget to get the Trojans, either-I want to preserve my fertility, dammit!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I did'n do it.......I was dead at the time

Heh-you all are funny. I really didn't mean the last post to be funny-it was just stream-of-consciousness writing. I reread it today and laughed my ass off, though. It's like "drunk dialing" a former boyfriend, but it's put down for posterity.....

Well, there was no hangover today. Which is unfortunate because:

(1). That means I didn't drink nearly as much as I should have, and
(2). It doesn't excuse the shit-ass mood I was in today at school.

I gave 7 kids detention today, because, well.........they were acting like assholes. Typical third-graders acting like kindergarteners (actually, my kindergarteners don't act like they do). I teach in a "cafetorium", which is a cafeteria by day and, when special events allow, an auditorium when needed. So, I teach on the stage all day (except for lunch periods-could you imagine?), and the kid sit on the stage, legs (ideally) folded. I'm usually pretty strict about this, since I'm supposedly teaching singing, and you can't properly sing while lying on your belly, right? I gave one girl detention because she was lying all over the floor of the stage while I was teaching a lesson, like she was watching reruns of "Full House". Fuck that. She was pissed (I heard the famous "I din' do it!" or "Wha' I do?" about three hundred times today), but I could care less.

The other kids got detention because they got snotty with me. I definitely don't take that shit. Especially not from 8 and 9 year olds. So, they're screwed. And, I felt better since I got to yell and scream at them, because, in general, the third graders are lazy as hell. Heh.

Otherwise, I'm still in a shit-ass mood. Tonight, I'm meeting a friend from college for dinner and drinks. I haven't seen her since September, and I miss her-she's so funny and smart and gorgeous -seriously. When we were in school we hated going out with her to the local hangouts because, compared to Irene, we were the ugly step-sisters. The boys literally tripped over themselves trying to get to her, with her strawberry-blond hair, big boobs, petite figure and green eyes. Plus, she's a dirty-birdie-she once shaved her pubes in the shape of a heart for a boyfriend as a Valentine's Day present. Heh-my kinda woman.

I'll update more when I get home (probably drunk again). You guys rock.

P.S. I think I got my period-at least, it looks strangely like a period, minus cramping..........we'll see if this is actually the real thing this time and not a dress rehearsal.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Life Just Sucks

Today, I go to my crap school, and my friend, the art teacher, tells me that she's 10 weeks pregnant.


But, I was glad that she told me privately, before she told the rest of the faculty. It still felt like a knife in my heart, though.

So, now that's two people that I know. One is a friend of mine who's pregnant after a miscarriage. She doesn't know that I know yet, but I saw it on a board I frequent, so I'll wait until she feels comfortable telling me. Well, they say that these things come in "threes", who's the third?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! GOTCHA!!!!!! That was fucking funny. And, it's not even April Fool's Day yet!!

Whew *wiping eyes*..........Rule Number 1-Don't Blog when you've had a lot of red wine.

In other poonanny-related news-my consult for my second opinion at Big Important Clinic is scheduled for April 4, 2005, at 10 am. Perhaps I'll finally get some answers.

Yeah, right.

Can you tell I'm a cynical bitch? Must be that I'm still waiting for the old bitch to show up. My cycles have been a little long since failed IVF#2. I'm now on cycle day 36, and I think that perhaps it should be here within a day or so. Maybe, since I've had the equivalent of three years worth of eggs sucked out of my ovaries, I'm going through early menopause. My mom started the 'pause at 37 (she just finally ended it last year at age 54), so it's not totally inconceivable.

Heh-I made a funny.........."inconceivable". How appropriate.

Gotta go and pass out now-don't want to be hung over for school tomorrow.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

Popping Cherries

I've finally got myself a makeover! I think it's rather appropriate, don't you? Special props go out to Denise at Moodswing Creations. Thanks-you rock! Check out their button at the bottom of my blog, by the counter.

Anywho, it's that time of the year again-Lent. The period before Easter that's about being, prayerful, penitent and charitable. Since I'm really feeling neither this time around I've been wondering what I should use as my Lenten sacrifice this year. For you non-Catholics who are unfamiliar with this tradition, and lest you think that we ritually slaughter people or small woodland animals during the 40 day period, let me 'splain ("Looocy...."). As Catholics, we are taught that it is good to make a symbolic "sacrifice" during Lent-you give up something you would really miss-chocolate, for example. It's like you're saying "no" to something you really enjoy in order to say "yes" to God.

Since my Lenten sacrifice last year didn't seem to work out all that well, I really debated as to whether to do anything at all. So, I've temporarily decided to give up the 10lbs or so that I've gained due to all my shots. Really, it is a sacrifice, since I'll have to give up breads and pastas, and ice cream, so id does count. I ws going to try to give up being a bitter infertile bitch, know how it is.......

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who gets hot and bothered (and not in a good way) with those stupid "Preferred Pregnancy/Mommy Parking" spaces. I actually parked in one yesterday-there!! Fuck you, Jobu!! *giving rude hand gesture* Hey, it wasn't like I ran over a pregnant woman to get it. So dumb........

I've realized that I'm slowly becoming bitter and jaded about this whole infertility thing. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, or perhaps it's just because I've never really allowed myself to in the first place. It's not to say that I've completely lost hope, because I haven't. It's just, now that I'm coming up to my four year anniversary of "TTC #1", I'm more realistic. I know that things are more likely not to happen that happen. I've lost my innocence.....or, sexually speaking, my cherry has been popped. And, I didn't get the "Big O", cuddle, champers and smoke afterwards

That just sucks.

Infertility sure is an emotional cheapstake.