I'm pissed now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now, I say, fuck you, Jobu. I do it myself.
-Pedro Cerrano (played by Dennis Haysbert, aka the Allstate spokesman), Major League
That has to be the best line in Major League. The movie is, in general, okay (besides the haircuts and the 80's clothes, that's laughable enough), but Pedro Cerrano is my favorite character. Sean and I keep telling each other that we should have named Peachy "Jobu" because who the hell would name a cat that?? Too bad it ain't a saint's name, huh? It would make a hell of a middle name for a kid.....heh. Whenever we think that the other is getting weird/unreasonable/out of hand, we just yell "Fuck you, Jobu!" to break the tension. It makes our house pretty entertaining. Perhaps that's why the neighbors don't talk to us very much.
Jobu is pretty relevant to me right now, because lately I just want to say a special "fuck you" to the whole world. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen to me-it's time to do it on my own. Unfortunately, it sounds easier than it actually is. And, it's not just in the context of infertility. My job, although I love it, is stressful, especially at one of my schools, where discipline from administration is a dirty joke amongst the faculty. If I even posted one-tenth of what goes on there, you wouldn't believe it (and, I won't, because you never know who's reading), but, trust me to say that it's pretty bad sometimes. Of course, I'm sure that the stress is not exactly conducive to conceiving a child, but hey, if I didn't have a job there won't be a way to feed/clothe/medicate (because, given who its parents would be, you'd need to hedge your bets) said hypothetical child. You know, hierarchy of needs and all that. Pretty important.
But, it's getting more and more difficult for me to stay afloat lately. I'm trying to do that by focusing on others rather than myself, because I feel that if I focus on myself I'll end up curled in the fetal position rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth in a corner of the living room, and that's not good. Lately I've been feeling like that kid who's picked last for kickball in P.E. class-that everyone else is getting what they want, and I'm still wishing to be that first kid who is picked and get the status associated with it-being number one.
I just feel so alone sometimes. Everyone (and I mean just about everyone, I'm not being a drama-queen) has their babies or are pregnant. On my TTC buddy group through Fertility Family, I, and another girl, are the only ones left-everyone else has moved on to the "mommy" board. I have nothing in common with pregnant women or mommies. And, the "insensitives" that I talked about earlier don't get it either. So, where do I belong? It seems like I'm destined for limbo, at least for now.
So, up yours, Jobu! You suck!