Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Fuck you, Jobu!

I'm pissed now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now, I say, fuck you, Jobu. I do it myself.
-Pedro Cerrano (played by Dennis Haysbert, aka the Allstate spokesman), Major League

That has to be the best line in Major League. The movie is, in general, okay (besides the haircuts and the 80's clothes, that's laughable enough), but Pedro Cerrano is my favorite character. Sean and I keep telling each other that we should have named Peachy "Jobu" because who the hell would name a cat that?? Too bad it ain't a saint's name, huh? It would make a hell of a middle name for a kid.....heh. Whenever we think that the other is getting weird/unreasonable/out of hand, we just yell "Fuck you, Jobu!" to break the tension. It makes our house pretty entertaining. Perhaps that's why the neighbors don't talk to us very much.

Jobu is pretty relevant to me right now, because lately I just want to say a special "fuck you" to the whole world. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen to me-it's time to do it on my own. Unfortunately, it sounds easier than it actually is. And, it's not just in the context of infertility. My job, although I love it, is stressful, especially at one of my schools, where discipline from administration is a dirty joke amongst the faculty. If I even posted one-tenth of what goes on there, you wouldn't believe it (and, I won't, because you never know who's reading), but, trust me to say that it's pretty bad sometimes. Of course, I'm sure that the stress is not exactly conducive to conceiving a child, but hey, if I didn't have a job there won't be a way to feed/clothe/medicate (because, given who its parents would be, you'd need to hedge your bets) said hypothetical child. You know, hierarchy of needs and all that. Pretty important.

But, it's getting more and more difficult for me to stay afloat lately. I'm trying to do that by focusing on others rather than myself, because I feel that if I focus on myself I'll end up curled in the fetal position rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth in a corner of the living room, and that's not good. Lately I've been feeling like that kid who's picked last for kickball in P.E. class-that everyone else is getting what they want, and I'm still wishing to be that first kid who is picked and get the status associated with it-being number one.

I just feel so alone sometimes. Everyone (and I mean just about everyone, I'm not being a drama-queen) has their babies or are pregnant. On my TTC buddy group through Fertility Family, I, and another girl, are the only ones left-everyone else has moved on to the "mommy" board. I have nothing in common with pregnant women or mommies. And, the "insensitives" that I talked about earlier don't get it either. So, where do I belong? It seems like I'm destined for limbo, at least for now.

So, up yours, Jobu! You suck!

11 comments:

candy said...

I just stumbed across your blog and wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this. My husband and I have been trying over 3 years with no pregnacy and I identify with so much in your posts. Especially the feelings in this one, being picked for teams, etc. I think he and I might try out seeing if we can get our neighbors to stop talking to us too. You suck Jobu!!!!! I feel better already. I want to say good luck to you, but that just doesn't cover it.

ilyse (FF) said...

I'm the other girl from FF. S, I feel your pain. Here's a big ((((hug)))))!!

hormonebitch said...

I finally dumped my TTC group...it just got to be too much for me...and I feel so much better and less stressed. Hang in there...I know easier said than done...(by the way...I WAS the kid always picked last...so...I know where you are coming from)

Shelli said...

Fuck you, Jobu!

Love you, S (And Ilyse, too!)

Jsulli said...

Ugh! It is like you live in my head...I know to the letter exactly how you feel...right down to the teaching b.s. I teach in a high school and we call the discipline "Let's make a deal". On the fertility front, I know how hard it is to watch while everyone around you gets "their turn" It seems like everywhere you go, there is a pregnant woman or a newborn. Sometimes I just yell at the sky "FUCK YOU!!!" Really long and loud. It makes me feel much better...sometimes you just need to have the meltdown. You are allowed to, and don't feel guilty for one second if you need to temporarily lose your marbles. There is only so much one soul can bear...As for the "insensitives", pretend they are Jobu and say Fuck you! And just know, pretty lady, that you are never alone...there is at least one other woman in the world who sadly feels much like you do. Sorry for the long post, finally delurking...Feel free to contact me.

Jessica said...

hugs stef, lots of love too :(

Finding My New Normal said...

I feel exactally like you do. I just got my RE referal and my appointment isn't unti March 16th. This isn't the way it was supposed to go down, you know?

cat said...

*makes dirty hand signs in the general direction of Jobu*

Love to you and Ilyse! May you both get on that boat and sail far away from the island very soon.

Kimmy said...

Lurker coming out of the shadows here. Just wanted to say I'm with ya on this one! It gets SO hard to stay positive after all this time. I usually fail miserably at it but heck, that's our perogitive right? Big ass hugs to you and ur other FF mate. Heck, hugs to ALL of us getting kicked in the teeth by IF!

- K

Betty said...

I hear ya sista. Feeling much the same. Just keep on missing that boat while everyone else sails away to Mummy land.
Fuck is an appropriate word.

vixanne wigg said...

I'm so sorry Steph. I check on you all the time because I want to see that good news. I always hope I'll see that good news for you.