Monday, October 30, 2006

Follicular Update

Today's wanding showed that the left follicle is now at 15mm, so I'm back in tomorrow morning for more bloodletting. Dr. Pipsqueak estimates that I'll ovulate within the next couple of days. Of course, now that I've been poked with my left ovary is twinging, so hopefully she helped it along (yah, right!).

Replacement looks like it will be anytime from Friday on. Then the waiting begins.

I start the dreaded tech week tonight (Nickie-the show is "1776", btw). Sunday's orchestra run-thru (known as the sitzprobe) was a fiasco-it took the MD an hour and a half to get through the first five numbers of the show. Let's not get into that there's only an 8 piece orchestra. In the middle of all this I had to report to the costumer to try on my stuff (of which there is A LOT-ladies wore a lot of heavy stuff during the Revolutionary War era), and, of course, there were some alterations needed. By the time I got back downstairs, the orchestra was packing up to leave-WTF!?!?! When I questioned the MD, he said "well, they have to catch a train", and I freaked out-I mean, FREAKED OUT like a diva. I told him (in front of the director) that this was ridiculous, that I was called for a music rehearsal last week and wasn't used, and now couldn't even rehearse my number with the orchestra to even hear what the dance break sounds like (since I've never heard it played). The poor director was trying to smooth over the situation, offering to drive the orchestra people to the train station so we could rehearse, but I said "forget it" and walked out, got in my car, and left. I honestly don't even think that they got through the whole show, since I left an hour-and-a-half into the two hour rehearsal and they only got through five numbers. Just a waste of time. So, tonight I'll bring the laptop, sit and do my thing. I've kind of resigned myself that I can't do anything more than I'm already doing. I mean, I'm only in two scenes in the show, I'm not expecting the star treatment, but I do expect that if you call me to a rehearsal, make sure that you actually use me, since I'm driving 40 minutes to get there, and I'm not being paid to do it. Sheesh.

Whoops, sorry for that rant. Suffice it to say that I might not be posting a whole lot this week, unless I get a signal in the theater. You might actually get a play-by-play during this whole thing, who knows.

This jist of this post is that, well, we're on our way to FET#3-the question that we're all wondering here is if the third time is a charm.

Guess we'll have to find out the hard way.

Saturday, October 28, 2006


Today was cycle day 10 and monitoring day. Of course, because it was a shitty rainy nasty day outside this morning, it took almost an hour to get to the RE's office instead of the usual 25 minutes, since there were two accidents and roads closed due to flooding. But, at least it wasn't for naught-I've got a nice 10mm follicle growing on the left ovary. I get to go back on Monday for another date with the Follicular Lurve Wand and another bloodletting to see what's going on. Hopefully we'll get some more details as to when the transfer will be by then.

As for me, well-things are just in a state of limbo lately. I've been having some issues at work, which I won't get into here, because......well.....just because I'm not sure who reads this anymore. Suffice it to say that I'm getting more and more frustrated where I am, and I have to make such an effort to not let it affect my teaching. I also go into tech, beginning tomorrow, for my show. Which, is going so-so. I had such a good experience with my first show that this one is a little bit of a let-down, in some ways. Not with the director or AD/SM, but the MD and choreographer kind of have their heads up their asses. I mean, what MD "forgets" to bring the score for a run-thru and fakes his way with playing through the show? I have yet to hear the dance break to my number, because the MD "can't really play it" (his words). Plus, the choreographer, although he might be a good dancer, is just not that good of a teacher. He throws out all these technical dance terms out like he's Mr. Knowledge, but then can't teach the moves. Just weird. I really think that the director didn't get a say as to who his team would be, which is common in nonpaying theater. Let's just hope that these things iron themselves out this week, or else we're seriously fucked.

So, that's where I am at right now-in a state of perpetual limbo. I don't think that I like it. Not that being hopped up on hormones in the middle of a cycle is any better, but hey, at least it's not boring, right?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Note To Self....

Do NOT blog when doped up on cold medication. Please, for the love of all that's holy, spare the general population from the incoherent babbling that I just did last night.

I can spell, really. Watch...........Nyquil. N-Y-Q-U-I-L. Nyquil. It seems as if the "i" and "l" looked extremely like one another last night. Or, was it double? Who knows at this point.

Well, at least I didn't end up at a frat house in bed with a man who smells like he took a leisurely swim at the Budweiser brewery. Oh, wait.........never mind, that was another time.......

Just remember-friends don't let friends blog when fucked up.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Blah blah blee blah

My body "gave" me the pentultimate birthday presents this year.

Thursday afternoon I got my period-it looked like an episode out of CSI, by the way..............and Sunday I woke up with a cold.

Woot. It wouldn't matter so much if my show didn't open NEXT WEEK. GAH!

So, I'm a bit doped up on the Nyqull, and will probably pass out momentarily. Being sick blows.


I had a nice birthday weekend, nonetheless. Sean, being the coolest guy in the universe that he is, invited four of our friends over and cooked me a birthday dinner on Friday (my actual birthday). From scratch. That didn't involve a telephone, opening a box and/or a microwave. And it was GOOD-Prime rib roast, potatoes, spaghetti squash, green beans, salad. Alas, getting birthday nookie would have been the icing on the cake, but with the my bud Cap'n Bloodsnatch about it was pretty much a no-no. Saturday we went to visit my parents and stayed overnight, which was fun. I got to play with Rocky the ADD dog and Oreo the 22 lb cat, who is not fat, but "big-boned" (Seriously-he's part Maine Coon) and loves to have you carry him around while he purrs loudly in your ear. Of course the risk of hernia is high in my parent's house.

Now, on to the reproductive front. I go to the RE on the 28th (Saturday morning) for a wanding and bloodletting, which should be CD 10. If all goes well, the estimated ET should be the week afterwards. Let's hope that my body cooperates this time-I'm doing my part by trying to stay as stress-free as possible. Then we'll be on to the dreaded 2WW, which is oh so much fun-I'd rather stick a rusty pitchfork in my leg.

So, there you have it-I'm a boring old fart. I do want to wish Cat a happy belated birthday, though (and thanks for the e-card-you rock!) and my sincerest apologies for not blogging you a "shout-out" on Thursday. You can completely webslap my ass-I'll even schlep out to Brooklyn if you want to do it in person....

Time to crash-I can hardly see the screen and can't keep my eyes open. I LOVE the Nyqull. It's the best.

Saturday, October 14, 2006


I'm sure most of you in the IF world have already read about the hullabaloo on Thalia's blog. For those who haven't, she was basically "outed" by her RE and clinic for having a blog. They have been reading it for a while now, her RE brought it up during an appointment, and apparently are less than pleased by how they are being portrayed. And, in the end, it has silenced her. She has decided to stop posting, indefinitely.

How do I feel about this? It makes me sad-she's an invaluable member of our community. Her posts have gotten me through some tough times. We always seem to cycle around the same time, and I was honored to have such a "cycle buddy". It also makes me angry that a physician could be so unprofessional as to bring up something like that during an appointment (and against the advice of the other staff members, might I add). Perhaps that anger is also a selfish one, because I want her to keep blogging, but I do understand why she's not. She doesn't want to jeopardize her relationship with those doctors and nurses. She also relayed that the way that they found out was that she posted on a message board about her clinic and posting her blog link, which the clinic found and read (and even printed out and showed bits to her RE) and were upset. So, she feels partially to blame, because she left the door open for them to find her.

I still feel that the doctors were extremely unprofessional in even bringing it up. Would they have wanted her to tell them that to their faces? Of course not. If I had my RE tell me that, I'd apologize if what they read was uncomfortable or hurtful, but that they shouldn't take it personally. They're supposed to be professionals, for the love of God. It's not like she was leaking government secrets or research statistics. I'm sure that these people have had a lot worse said to them over the years. But, to bring it up during an appointment? What was the purpose of it? To make her feel badly about it? To have her stop blogging? Well, if that was the desired effect, he certaintly got it.

Thalia's RE told her that he felt it compromised the doctor/patient relationship. This raises numerous questions to me (and I'm sure to other bloggers). How? It only compromises it if the doctors allow it to. It certainly didn't seem that Thalia felt that-she wouldn't be at that clinic if she felt that she wasn't getting the best care, regardless of what she posted. What if she didn't blog, and by word of mouth said the same things? Would the RE be ethically allowed to bring it up with her? Does a doctor have the right to make a patient feel as if they can't express feelings about their care, regardless of how it makes them look in the eyes of others? If that patient went to a therapist and verbalized the same things that Thalia wrote on her blog, would their provider of care have the right to challenge that or express an opinion, should they find out any of that information? No, because the patient is protected by doctor/patient confidentiality. However, I don't think that the same principles apply in the reverse. Doctors are being paid for a service they provide. They must realize that it's competitive (especially IF) and people can choose from a number of providers to care for them. Now, that doesn't mean that patients should make slanderous comments about their doctors (which Thalia did not do, btw), but it does mean that those providers of care need a thicker skin when dealing with their patients, particularly in the specialty of infertility. They are dealing with women hopped up on hormones, who are frightened and unsure of their reproductive future, and are putting their hopes and trust in a complete stranger. How can they not expect us to be snarky or brutally honest when describing what we go through every day? How can they expect us to keep silent?

It also raises the unending debate of how having a public blog doesn't truly protect you, even if you post anonomyously. That we, by giving the public a view of our personal lives, open ourselves to being outed. I certainly took a risk with the Wall Street Journal article last month. So, why did I do it? Because I'm not ashamed of my disease (and yes, I called it that, because that's what it is). People in my "real world" as well as in the blogosphere know what's going on. Yes, it does open me up to people finding out about the blog that I don't want to-family members, work colleagues, but it's a risk that I'm willing to take, because we need the support from those people out there in the world who are going through what we are. We can't talk to our friends or family about our struggles, because they can't empathize. They don't "get it". But here, we don't need to censor or even explain ourselves, because we know that, ultimately, we do empathize and understand it due to the unfortunate fact that we're either going through or have gone through the same thing. I also hope that perhaps my story will resound in someone else's life, and they'll know that they're not alone in what they're feeling and experiencing. Perhaps it will inspire other men and women to share their story, as blogs like Thalia's inspired me to keep writing, even when I had no words.

What would I do if I were in her situation? I don't know. I'd hate to be outed, that's for sure. I'd worry about hurting someone's feelings. I'd wonder if my care from then on in would be compromised due to what I'd written. So, I do understand why she made the decision she did.

But it doesn't negate the fact that she's been silenced. And that's a damn shame.

So Thalia, I love you, I wish you well, that you make it to the "other side" soon, and I hope that your departure is only a slight vacation from us. And we look forward to your words, whenever you decide to return.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Just Fucking Sucks

Please, please, show Manuela and Mr. P your support.

I am so, so sorry. Please know that we're all here for you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Gotta Love the Apathy

Ho Hum. Just sitting around, waiting for that visit from ol' Cap'n Bloodsnatch. Like it's different from any other month, right?

I'm taking bets as to when Red October will dock.........tomorrow, the weekend? Nah, it'll show up next Friday. Why, you're asking yourself? Not just because my last name should be Murphy (as in that pesky little "law"), but because, Friday is my birthday, and what better gift to get than that. It's like getting coal in your socks from La Befana instead of gifts on Epiphany. Seriously though, it's happened before, when we were first trying. I got it on my 30th birthday-that pretty much threw any birthday nookie right out the window for me. Bastards.

I really really must update some stuff on here, as well as post a bit more on other's blogs. I've been so self-absorbed lately, which I don't like. Then again, I've also been apathetic, which I definitely don't like. I just haven't had the energy lately to do much of anything. I've also been having a hard time getting up in the mornings, and getting to sleep at night. It's annoying, really. So, I must get back into the grind of things. I will. I promise.

Just as soon as I get up off of the couch, I swear I'll get right on that.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Rolling the Dice with the Pipsqueak.........Again

I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't even posted on other blogs lately, so I apologize up front to everyone. I tried to post, I really did. I even have some started and saved as drafts. But, I didn't feel that I had much to say. I'm not pregnant, I'm without faith, life sucks, job is starting to feel stagnant, Sean and I are bickering back and forth for the past two weeks about the stupidest things. I mean, those kind of posts gets old, if you get my drift. I feel dissatisfied with everything. I know that it's because the one thing I want the most is missing from my life. Perhaps I'm having "infertility treatment withdrawal symptoms".


We had our follow-up with Dr. Pipsqueak today. I took a sick day, and Sean took a half-day at work so he could go to the appointment. She told us that she had no real reason why the FET didn't work out-the 7-cell embryo looked "good" and even the 5-cell was promising. She even said that if it had worked none of the RE's would've been surprised to see twins. My lining and progesterone were great throughout the cycle. She felt that it was simply a case of "rolling the dice" to get the right cycle for a pregnancy. She said that she still "strongly believes" that I will get pregnant and have a baby, but it's only a matter of when and what cycle. She was really great though-she's got this knack for being clinical, yet sympathetic and personal. And, she loved my new sweater I wore for the occasion. Clinical, sympathetic, personal, and appreciates fashion-can't get better than that, right?

Here's the deal-she feels that we should try a natural cycle for the next FET. Now that my ovaries aren't being messed about with drugs (which was the reason for the synthetic FET-it was too soon after the IVF cycle and she felt that my ovaries were still swollen) and my cycles are pretty much back to normal, there's no reason not to try. She feels that perhaps not being hopped up on meds might be a benefit to the cycle (the only time I was pregnant was on a natural transfer cycle). And, since lovely AF will be here within the next week or so, I'll be able to do a transfer (barring any delays) at the end of October, right in time for the lab to reopen.

So, once Leak Week starts, I have to call the office and let them know. Then, beginning on CD 10, I'm in for bloodwork, which will be more often since they have to watch my LH surge (oooh.....yay! Can't wait to look like an addict again). I'll only have to wait for a date with the Lurve Wand twice though, since they're not counting follicles (they'll only use it to confirm ovulation) so at least that will make my life a little easier. Then I'll take the Medrol and Doryx for four days, have the transfer, then take oral progesterone. No PIO-there IS a God!

That's the deal, at least for now. We left there renewed, perhaps not spiritual in the religious sense, but renewed in the sense that someone (present company excluded) has faith that this will work for us. Perhaps, after all, this will work for us.

Hmmm........perhaps God is trying to tell me something?