Wednesday, December 20, 2006

(Lucky) Number 41

Yeah, the confusion is over. After all that on and off spotting, the Crimson Bitch has arrived.

And, it was a "perfect" 28 day cycle. Honestly, it would only be perfect if we actually had the miracle of getting pregnant, but hey, you can't wish for something that won't happen, right?

Blech. I'll write some more later, after I take some drugs to take that feeling of someone ripping out my insides away. Oh, yeah, and crack open a bottle of vino.

Sushi, anyone?

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I had a little more spotting last night and today-last night's was more pinkish/reddish, and today's was brown. I'm a little confused as to why this is happening. It certainly feels as if my period's coming, but I'm almost 10 days away from that. II'm pretty regular cycle-wise....always around 30 days or so, give or take two days. I don't even temp or check CM anymore-I mean, what's the point of all that when we know that it doesn't make a difference when the tubes aren't patent, right?

I thought I was having some mittelschmerz-type pains on Monday and Tuesday (on my right side, which made sense since I O'd last cycle on the left, according to the wandings), but I NEVER bleed from it. Ever. So, this is out of the ordinary for me. A bit disturbing, really. I just went to the bathroom and it was a brown smear on the toilet paper. And I feel a little bit crampy, and have a heavy feeling in my pelvic area; yet, I'm not bloated as I normally would before AF comes. Also, on Tuesday my boobs started to get sore, then went away. Now they're a little sore again. What the FUCK is going on?

Ugh. I really don't want to call the doctor. I don't want to have to schlep over there and be subjected to wandings or poking and prodding. I guess that if my period truly comes, then I had a shitty short luteal phase this cycle. Which has never happened. If it stops, perhaps..............

But no, I won't go there. There's no point. We all know the answer to that one. The probability of that happening is nil. Even though we did have a sexfest the past two weeks or so. I absolutely refuse to let that little bitch Hope start playing mind games with me. No way. Nope.

*Sigh* Why do I put myself through this?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Advent, Spot, and the Follow-up That Was Never Was

Sounds like the title of a new Nancy Drew mystery, doesn't it?

So, I haven't really been in the "holiday spirit" lately. This is, of course, despite the fact that it seems as if the onset of December has suddenly vomited a riotous display of decorations. In school we have Hanukkah, Christmas, Dwali and Kwanzaa decorations all over the walls. It's also the time of the year where I'm tearing my hair out due to the Holiday Concerts, Carol Services and the like. I really don't feel as if I get to relax until well after Christmas and Epiphany.

Sometimes I wonder if we, as Americans, have forgotten why we celebrate these holidays to begin with. I do feel as if we get too caught up in the whirlwind of gift buying, tree-trimming, and party circuit to remember what it's all about. As a Catholic, Advent is supposed to be about self-reflection, and waiting for the gift of a baby born to redeem mankind. The readings, music and even the church itself all reflects a period of waiting, of anticipation of what it is to come. Then Christmas comes, with a riot of bright colors, trumpets, carol singing, and pointsettias.

Kind of like pregnancy and childbirth, dont'cha think? I can't help but compare it.

This thought really resonated within me last Sunday at Mass, where the readings were about John the Baptist, and how we should prepare ourselves ("Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.....Rejoice, the Lord is at hand") for the Christ. And, although this happened 2,000 years ago, it still rings true today. Most people prepare for the holidays by shopping, wrapping, and basically stressing themselves out to get the "perfect" gift for their friends and loved ones. But, really, preparing ourselves mentally and spiritually should be the priority. That's not to say that I've gone all pious and uber-Catholic on you, because, according to the Church, I've already got a seat saved for me on the bus to Hell because I'm doing IVF. But Advent is a lot like being pregnant (or, so I assume). There's that waiting, anticipation, nervousness of what's to happen in the future, and how it'll change your life. The whirlwind of planning, buying and making everything "perfect" for the new arrival. And, then the birth of a healthy child, the joy and peace that makes all of those feelings and stresses fade into the background.

God, how I want to be one of those people. How I wish that Advent, for me, would be a real, gestational waiting as well as a materialistic one.


Oh, yeah, about the follow-up? It was rescheduled for January 2nd, because Dr. Pipsqueak had to cancel. So, I've been just hanging here in Infertility Limbo for the next three weeks or so. Figures.

I had some weird brownish/pinkish spotting today, which has gone away. I was kind of thrown off guard, as I thought that it was my period, but then I realized that it's only CD22, and I'm not due for my period until the 22nd (or later). A bit annoying, really, but that's my body in a nutshell.....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

So, What Happens Now?

I've been doing a lot of thinking for the past few days as to what the hell I want to do with all of this. Of course, I've had my pity party (table for one?), gotten trashed, been through the usual emotions that accompany a failed cycle-desperation, frustration, bitterness, anger, sadness. But I haven't explored that vast and slightly scary question of what to do next. Do I do another cycle right away, or do I take another break? Should I throw in the towel altogether or stick it out? And, how do I come to a decision that I can peacefully live with?

Your comments certainly put things into perspective. Things could be a lot worse. How I can say that, given the numerous failures, is insane. But, I do realize that there are people out there who have gone through so much more than even I. Sometimes it's hard to remember or even believe that, but I do acknowledge that. And, that is saying something.

So, what should I do, you're wondering? Well, first thing's first-I go to the follow-up Friday afternoon with Dr. Pipsqueak. I honestly don't think that there will be too many answers to the "why the fuck didn't it work this time" question. There aren't many, besides it's just a bad turn of the infertility roulette wheel. And, I'm sure that they'll suggest to try again. But, at what emotional cost? Is it worth losing my sanity?

I can't remember a day that hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of being pregnant, babies or motherhood. I'm tired of feeling worthless because of another pregnancy announcement, shower invitation or birth announcement. I want my life back again. I want to feel like I did before we were plunged into the world of infertility like jumping into a freezing lake-carefree, naive, ready to take on the world. Now all I feel is cautious, unsure and fearful. I hate being so preoccupied with my girly bits and how they are or are not working. I hate having half of the New Jersey chapter of the ACOG looking up my cooter. I hate that I will never really have a pregnancy that is blissfully ignorant of what could go wrong, if I should be so lucky to get pregnant again in the first place. And, as blasphemous as this will sound (read?), I sometimes hate God that He is just being the observer in this whole drama. That He's stopped listening to me. Hell, I've even prayed to have the desire to be a mother taken away from me, and I'm still being ignored. Go figure.

Yes. I've decided that yes, it IS worth it. I'm not getting any younger. It's not going to get any easier. I've been around the infertility block a few times, so to speak. I know the scene. But, I've decided that I'm tired of being defined by my infertility. I need to accept that I can't control this situation. No amount of praying, acupuncture, pineapple, positive imaging, or medical help will determine the outcome. It's a lot like auditioning in theatre-if you took it personally every time you don't get the part, you won't get very far as an actor or singer. You've got to have a thick skin, in order to pick yourself up and go back to pounding the pavement. Honestly, it's all a game of chance, and, between you and me, I suck at gambling.

But, if the doctors tell me that they "strongly feel" that I will be pregnant and deliver a healthy child, then why don't I feel the odds are in my favor? If they're that confident, why don't I feel the same? I really think that it's because I'm more emotionally invested in this compared to the doctors. That's not to say that they're not emotionally connected in some way-I feel, especially in my clinic, the doctors, nurses and staff are kind, compassionate women. But, they're not going through it (although I did hear a rumor that Dr. Cheery, who did my last transfer, also went through IVF), so they can't truly know how it feels when you get another failed cycle call from your nurse. I truly wish that I could just tune out emotionally during a cycle so it doesn't affect me (don't we all...), but we all know that won't happen.

So, we have 6 three-day embryos left, and hopefully some blasts made it to refreeze. We'll try it again, until they're all used up. Then we'll have to make a decision as to what is next-whether or not we can do another fresh cycle is up to our insurance, as I might or might not have another chance under my coverage. That's as far as I'm willing to go in deciding my reproductive future right now.

That should be enough. More than enough, for now.