Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Advent, Spot, and the Follow-up That Was Never Was

Sounds like the title of a new Nancy Drew mystery, doesn't it?

So, I haven't really been in the "holiday spirit" lately. This is, of course, despite the fact that it seems as if the onset of December has suddenly vomited a riotous display of decorations. In school we have Hanukkah, Christmas, Dwali and Kwanzaa decorations all over the walls. It's also the time of the year where I'm tearing my hair out due to the Holiday Concerts, Carol Services and the like. I really don't feel as if I get to relax until well after Christmas and Epiphany.

Sometimes I wonder if we, as Americans, have forgotten why we celebrate these holidays to begin with. I do feel as if we get too caught up in the whirlwind of gift buying, tree-trimming, and party circuit to remember what it's all about. As a Catholic, Advent is supposed to be about self-reflection, and waiting for the gift of a baby born to redeem mankind. The readings, music and even the church itself all reflects a period of waiting, of anticipation of what it is to come. Then Christmas comes, with a riot of bright colors, trumpets, carol singing, and pointsettias.

Kind of like pregnancy and childbirth, dont'cha think? I can't help but compare it.

This thought really resonated within me last Sunday at Mass, where the readings were about John the Baptist, and how we should prepare ourselves ("Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.....Rejoice, the Lord is at hand") for the Christ. And, although this happened 2,000 years ago, it still rings true today. Most people prepare for the holidays by shopping, wrapping, and basically stressing themselves out to get the "perfect" gift for their friends and loved ones. But, really, preparing ourselves mentally and spiritually should be the priority. That's not to say that I've gone all pious and uber-Catholic on you, because, according to the Church, I've already got a seat saved for me on the bus to Hell because I'm doing IVF. But Advent is a lot like being pregnant (or, so I assume). There's that waiting, anticipation, nervousness of what's to happen in the future, and how it'll change your life. The whirlwind of planning, buying and making everything "perfect" for the new arrival. And, then the birth of a healthy child, the joy and peace that makes all of those feelings and stresses fade into the background.

God, how I want to be one of those people. How I wish that Advent, for me, would be a real, gestational waiting as well as a materialistic one.


Oh, yeah, about the follow-up? It was rescheduled for January 2nd, because Dr. Pipsqueak had to cancel. So, I've been just hanging here in Infertility Limbo for the next three weeks or so. Figures.

I had some weird brownish/pinkish spotting today, which has gone away. I was kind of thrown off guard, as I thought that it was my period, but then I realized that it's only CD22, and I'm not due for my period until the 22nd (or later). A bit annoying, really, but that's my body in a nutshell.....


Shelli said...

sometimes you can spot with ovulation...

I totally agree on the whole over-produced Christmas thing.

I'm so sorry that it's all just so fucked up and stressful for you right now.

Thalia said...

It's really tough just getting through this time of year. It's a testament to you that you're trying to build the spiritual side back in despite all you've been through.

Lut said...

Vatican = institution of men. 'Nuff said.