Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Am So Boring as Hell I've got one of my resolutions down, at least. I've lost a total of 10 pounds so far. It actually might be more, but because I'm a little bloated due to the imminent onset of the Red Tide-I haven't actually weighed myself in the past few days, so as to not get frustrated. But, I feel great-AND I'm fitting into clothes that have been sitting in my closet, so it's like getting a new wardrobe. As for the "mental health" portion of my promise......well.....that one's harder to work on. It's not as if I don't want to; it's just that I'm not sure how to proceed on this-especially since I don't exactly want to broadcast that I'm seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed, but it's private, you know? So, I think that tomorrow I'm going to call my RE's office and ask Nurse Blondie about it-my clinic has a counseling staff-and see where it gets me.

So.....what else? Well, other than waiting for the Red Tide to show up-nothing is going on. Which might be a good thing, but quite frankly it's a bit boring (and is also why I haven't been updating-I mean, does anyone REALLY want to hear all about my recipe for tomato-cilantro soup that i found on a low-carb blog? Or how my belly and ass are getting noticeably smaller?'s like watching paint dry, and I wouldn't put anyone through that).

Yah-I'm boring right now. But, I really think that it's the calm before the storm, and I'm taking full advantage of the quietness right now.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Thanks to everyone for the kind words about the Church Job Drama. I really don't think that it's going to improve any time soon, but I'm just going to try to hang in there, until I can't deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, Sean did decide to leave, as of this past Sunday, as well as G. It's sad, and it will be really weird not having them there, but it will end up being okay. I hope so, at least.


I'm not usually the type of person who buys into the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing-more often than not, you usually are really diligent about whatever you're giving up or doing, then.....well, you fall off the wagon, right? But, I was really excited about seeing the door hit 2007 right smack in the ass. Let's recap 2007 with the following equation, shall we?

4th FET BFN + a repeat HSG with suprising results (an open tube-yay!) - a negative DNA/karyotyping (which was originally lost) - a negative thrombo panel - a gazillion pregnancy announcements = No Baby In My Belly.

So, on New Year's Eve I decided to make a promise to myself-to change my outlook, in preparation for IVF #4.

In keeping with this, I've decided two things:

-I'm going to make a definite effort to lose weight and get healthy. I've gained almost 30 pounds since starting the IF journey, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, especially since I can't fit into any of my clothes. So, I began doing the Be.ach D.iet today (I've done it once before, and lost a TON of weight) and, starting next week, will be hitting the gym to get fit.

-Since I'm going to heal myself physically, I've also decided to heal emotionally. As in, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist with a focus on IF. I'm starting to realize that I can't really handle this all on my own-I'm the type of person who feels that I don't need any help, that I can do it by myself. However, we all know that IF isn't exactly something you can easily deal with. I'm really starting to think that perhaps I'm depressed (no....really?, you're thinking...). I need someone who can help me deal with all of this soupy mess that is inside my head. The hard part is finding someone, though; so if anyone out there has any advice (or even know someone here in NJ), that would be great help.

As I said before, this "healing" is all the prep for IVF#4, which will be probably be starting sometime after I get my January period (I'm on CD 5 now); so, we're probably looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I feel as if I'm boxer training for the Heavyweight Title, and I have to train so I can be the best. In some ways, I'm training for the fight of my life.

If I lose this time, that's over. Do not pass Go. And I don't think that I'm ready for that yet.

I still have some fight left in me.