Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Thanks to everyone for the kind words about the Church Job Drama. I really don't think that it's going to improve any time soon, but I'm just going to try to hang in there, until I can't deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, Sean did decide to leave, as of this past Sunday, as well as G. It's sad, and it will be really weird not having them there, but it will end up being okay. I hope so, at least.


I'm not usually the type of person who buys into the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing-more often than not, you usually are really diligent about whatever you're giving up or doing, then.....well, you fall off the wagon, right? But, I was really excited about seeing the door hit 2007 right smack in the ass. Let's recap 2007 with the following equation, shall we?

4th FET BFN + a repeat HSG with suprising results (an open tube-yay!) - a negative DNA/karyotyping (which was originally lost) - a negative thrombo panel - a gazillion pregnancy announcements = No Baby In My Belly.

So, on New Year's Eve I decided to make a promise to myself-to change my outlook, in preparation for IVF #4.

In keeping with this, I've decided two things:

-I'm going to make a definite effort to lose weight and get healthy. I've gained almost 30 pounds since starting the IF journey, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, especially since I can't fit into any of my clothes. So, I began doing the Be.ach D.iet today (I've done it once before, and lost a TON of weight) and, starting next week, will be hitting the gym to get fit.

-Since I'm going to heal myself physically, I've also decided to heal emotionally. As in, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist with a focus on IF. I'm starting to realize that I can't really handle this all on my own-I'm the type of person who feels that I don't need any help, that I can do it by myself. However, we all know that IF isn't exactly something you can easily deal with. I'm really starting to think that perhaps I'm depressed (no....really?, you're thinking...). I need someone who can help me deal with all of this soupy mess that is inside my head. The hard part is finding someone, though; so if anyone out there has any advice (or even know someone here in NJ), that would be great help.

As I said before, this "healing" is all the prep for IVF#4, which will be probably be starting sometime after I get my January period (I'm on CD 5 now); so, we're probably looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I feel as if I'm boxer training for the Heavyweight Title, and I have to train so I can be the best. In some ways, I'm training for the fight of my life.

If I lose this time, that's over. Do not pass Go. And I don't think that I'm ready for that yet.

I still have some fight left in me.


M said...

Unfortunately I do not know a therapist in your area but I can tell you that I saw one and it helped me alot....if for no other reason than to say what I need to. I hope your resolutions go well as the impending cycle.

TrophyWife said...

I don't think I live near you, either. However, I see someone to talk about "everything" and it has been very helpful. I truly thought I was going crazy. It helps to have a place to say the most dreadful stuff out loud. I would really encourage you to find somebody -- ask your regular doctor (internist) for a recommendation. Also, exercise really helps me. Whenever I am start to meltdown, my husband gently encourages me to go to the gym or take a walk . . . I might growl, but I always feel more calm and in control afterwards. I found your blog not too long ago, and really enjoy your honesty.

IVF said...

Happy New year,
I agree with you - 07 sucked big time and thank god it's over.
Wish you the best of everything in 08 - especially good luck squashing IF.

If you are near North Bergen I have a good therapist in Englewood. She didn't specialize in IF but she's been with me for a while and should be an expert by now ;). Seriously though, I think the world of her. She's great.

email me if interested.

Delenn said...

I think you have very obtainable goals, and the therapy sounds like a good idea. Our clinic has a staff psych. perhaps yours could recommend?

I wish nothing but the best for you in 2008!

Mrs.X said...

I think it's a great idea to find a therapist who deals with IF. Start with your clinic to see if they have anyone they recommend. I managed to find a great therapist who has been through IF (and adoption) herself and the perspective is invaluable in helping me. Best of luck!

Shelli said...

you shouldn't have to be the only one stuck with all of that negativity in your head - give it to someone else, and let them deal with it! ;) It no longer deserves to pay rent in your brain.

love oyu.

Susan said...

I wish you all the best for 2008!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this next IVF is the one!! I went to a therapist through Friends and Family Services. They are sponsored through United Way. I don't know if they have that in your area. It was very nice to talk to someone that is an impartial party and could give you a fresh perspective on things. I try to take things one day at a time. Sometimes it's all you can do. As for getting healthy--I'm with you on that. I've started Weight Watchers again. I want to be healthy too. For myself. It's so hard to be good. I try not to be too hard on myself if I fall off the wagon a little bit. Good luck to you!! I'm here if you need any help.

Melzie said...

Me too-- dropped the fertility drama, concentrating on healthy drama. I've put on 60 pounds in the last 3 ish years of "heavy duty fertile crap" and drama-- so I'm done... and I'm going to knock off this weight. I am!!

I also am glad 2007 is DONE.

Heather said...

Happy New Year! My resolutions are similar. I need to exercise more. We're starting back with the RE again this month. Not sure what we're going to do yet. I haven't been to see them in three years when we gave up trying to have a second child.

I've thought before about going to a therapist for IF issue discussions. Considering that you've been in the thick of things for awhile, I think it's a good idea. I may be in your boat again soon.

Lots of luck on your next cycle.

Heidi said...

Try your local chapter of Resolve for a psychotherapist referral. My local chapter keeps a list of therapists that specialize in IF.
Good for you for look into getting help.

Isabel said...

I hope things get better for you guys in '08. I would ask your old pastor for a church recommendation. You need support right now. I pray for many blessings for you in '08!

The Baby Chase said...

I hear you, sister! I didn't feel so much that I was ringing in the new year as much ringing out the old one. Raised a glass to toast the end of this (insert expletive here) year, in which I saw two IVF cycles, two more miscarriages (this makes three), and an open myomectomy. (On top of all that, my cat died.)

Also seemed to ring in the new year with overwhelming depression. (Full rant is on my blog.) I'm going to try to get into one of those mind/body clinics to see if I can find myself. Can't even remember the girl I was before all this started....

Good luck. Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

Strange...I too had a 1st HSG that showed complete blockage, then a 2nd one that showed one tube open. Huh. Still not pregnant though.

Jessica said...

I love that little fight in you and I'll always be in your corner rooting you on. I'm glad you have a good outlook with everything for the new year.
I'll be reading up, praying and hoping it all goes well- in each scenerio.