Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Good Day

Today was a good day.

I got up around 9 (holy shit, can't do that anymore, I start school on Friday-ack!), toodled around in my jammies, had my coffee, then went to the outlet malls with a friend and shopped.

Whoever said that retail therapy can't fill the void is full of shit, really. What's really cool about shopping in August/September is that I can go "school shopping" too. See, even teachers can enjoy going back!

So, I got a case for my laptop, a dress for a wedding that we're going to in two weeks, which will go to good use since we have one more wedding in November and Sean's Holiday party, and some shirts, a suede skirt and a pair of pants. This weekend I have to start going through some of my fall/winter clothes and bag up things for charity.


Okay, got that out of the way. Yes, I know I'm being ridiculous, that I'm lucky to have the 10 weeks or so off in the summer, but hey, if you had to see 700 5-10 year-olds for six and a half hours a day, you'd need the summer off, too.

I think that the other reason I don't want to go back is that, for yet another year, I'm going back as someone who isn't pregnant yet. And, I also have to do another round of IVF during the school year, which is going to blow, since I have to do early-morning monitoring and that means that I will be late for work, which also means that I need to sort-of lie to my new principal and tell him that I'm being treated for a "medical condition" and that I might be late for work on some mornings when I'm being monitored. *sigh* It isn't getting easier.

Assuming that I get my period timely, I'll start my Lupron around the second week of October, then get my period around my birthday (oh, joy!) and probably have a retrieval the beginning/middle of November (maybe around NJEA Convention weekend, where we have two days off from school). That is assuming that they don't close the lab around that time for cleaning, which they do four times a year. Urgh.

But, for what it was worth, it was a good day. I'm just gonna go with it, and not worry about the other bullshit, for now. That can wait for another day.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Today was one of those days that started out okay, then slowly went to shit. I had to go for my annual exam today, with my regular twatotologist (as opposed to Dr. Vest). I got there at my appointed time of 12:30, then of course had to wait almost a half hour until they took me back, which I'm used to and was prepared for (it's a very large practice and one of the doctors is on maternity leave). What I wasn't prepared for is the 8 or so pregnant women that were sitting there for their appointments or ultrasounds. And the pregnant nurse. And the pregnant woman who brought in lunch for the staff. You get the picture.

I had to sit there and try to keep it together, when all I wanted to do is weep. Thank God for the nurse who came to get me, or else I would have probably left. So I go in, give my pee sample, get my blood pressure checked (good) and was weighed (bad, REALLY bad). Then I got to change into my lovely open-in-the-front robe and my paper blanket, was given a magazine, and waited. And waited. Urgh.

Finally my gyno came in, full of apologies. He must have been on call last night, because he looked pretty tired, but was very nice, nonetheless. Part of the slowness is that they're converting their charts over from paper to computer, so he had a tablet that he was entering my information on. Of course, the first thing that he asked was whether I ever saw Dr. Vest, so I gave him the synopsis of what's happened since last year (all of this is while I'm getting the exam), so we talked a little bit about the whole mess. He was pleased to hear that I like Dr. Vest and that I'm comfortable with him. And, that was it. I got to go home.

And I cried all the way home. It just got to me-having to sit there with all those pregnant women, to be there for an annual exam when I should have been there for my first prenatal appointment, to have to talk about the miscarriage and infertility, and to have to walk out of there, flat-bellied, in front of all those swollen happy women. It was just so depressing.

Then I got to thinking about some stuff that happened yesterday. I had to go back to school to do some stuff, and I saw people, and of course they asked questions (there's one teacher there who had some problems who is now pregnant, and due in March) and they all said the same thing: "It will happen". And, while I was there, one of the aides who is a busybody had to tell me that another teacher is pregnant, and is leaving in December (her third child). Another blow.

So, then the anger kicked in (ah, yes, I've been waiting for you-where've you been?)-I wanted to scream at these people "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT IT WILL HAPPEN?? " I mean, really-are you psychic, do you have a personal hotline to God, or something? Shit, it's better to say nothing at all, that's the least fucking comforting thing that you can say. And, what the FUCK-why tell me that someone's pregnant for the third time when you KNOW that I can't even manage to have my first (and even hold on to my first, as a matter of fact). Then, let's add having to see more pregnant women waddling around every fucking day-is God trying to rub it in my face or something!? Does He want me to have a nervous breakdown? Is it my lot to become an embittered, barren woman?

I just feel so cheated and angry-why let me get pregnant, then take it all away from me? What's the purpose of that.......where's the lesson I'm supposed to learn? Is it not to expect anything, then that way if it happens, I'll be even more grateful? Trust me, Lord, you won't believe how happy and grateful I'd be, if only You'd let me even get to experience it.

I hate feeling so inadequate, and feeling that everyone can see it too, every time they see my still (sort of) concave(ish) stomach. I hate seeing pregnant women every place I go, reminding me of what I so desperately want and can't have.

I just hate it............I hate the whole fucking shitty situation. It sucks.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Card-Carrying Member

I am officially a card carrying member of the RhoGAM club, and I have the big hurking bruise on my ass to prove it (it's near the old yellowish ones that haven't quite gone away just yet)....not that I really wanted to be for the reason that I had to have it, though.

The weekend was a mixed one, emotionally. I had rehearsal on Saturday for 5 hours, in which we started late (a good portion of the cast was late) and didn't get as much done as we should have (due to the cast talking incessantly whenever the director had to stop to fix things). A lot of this has to do with the age of the cast-most of them are high-school age, surprisingly enough. And, because they are at teenagers, they're loud and talkative and like to screw around during down times. Unfortunately, those "down times" are usually when we principals are doing our scenes or numbers, so it's frustrating. The director had to stop and give them the riot act about being on time, keeping quiet and not wasting anyone's time. Yee-haw! I still think that this will be one of the best productions that I've been, thus far. Even with me dressed totally in white (I look like Little Bo Peep, but fuck it--I'm Mabel!)....

Today, however, was one of those days when I feel like I'm teetering on the fine line between being in control and going over the edge. Sometimes I feel okay, like I can deal with and get through this, and come out on top. Other times I just want to just give up, to say that I can't do this anymore, for my own sanity. I try so hard to be positive, but it's hard. And, I am afraid that it's starting to affect everything in my life, especially in my relationship with Sean.

We seem to have little patience with each other lately. He has this character trait (inherited, I've come to observe, from his father) to feel the need to correct my behavior if he deems it to be unacceptable, which I HATE. I'm an adult, don't take it upon yourself to tell me how to behave. Even if I'm acting like an insane asshole.

It's funny-out of all the people that I should be talking to about this latest disappointment, it should be him, right? But, I can't. I get the feeling like he doesn't want to talk about it, like he wants to put it behind it him (probably a typical guy thing) and that's the way he deals with things-internally. Most of my friends don't understand my feelings-they're lucky that they've never had to deal with this. Plus, most of them don't have children yet, nor are they planning to right now. With the exception of my blog/FF friends, I feel isolated, like I'm a freak.

Today we went couch shopping (we've decided to re-do the living room) and all I was thinking was that we should be shopping for baby furniture, not a new couch, and it was like a stab in the heart. I'm going back and forth about this next IVF attempt-on one hand, I want to try, it's a chance. But, on the other hand, I'm like why bother, it won't work, anyway?

You see, I'm cracking up.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The Best Response to Assvice I've Ever Seen

I'll post more about my RhoGAM adventure tomorrow, but I just wanted to share this with you guys out there.

There was a thread on the "TTC with IUI/IVF/or with Medical Assistance" board on Fertility Friend that I stumbled across just now, titled "IVF and Catholic" and wanted to share something that one woman, named "Charmed", posted, about unwanted and ignorant assvice:

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if He'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Wow. It's like every emotion that I've experienced in this journey from the pit of hell and despair has just been verbalized for the first time.

Thank you, Charmed. I needed this desperately.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Verdict is In....

And, I'm getting stuck paying the $120 for it. Plus the $20 for administering the shot.

Nursey P tried to get my back, but no dice-the prescription insurance place said that they're already giving it to me at a discounted rate, since it's a non-preferred drug (gee, thanks! That's....uh......."generous" of you, considering that I have insurance coverage). They said that I could try to submit the balance to major medical insurance to see if they'd reimburse it, but otherwise, cough up the cash, sista!

Well, at least she tried. Nursey P's good like that-she'll try anything to see if shit's covered and you don't have to pay out of pocket. And, it's this particular medication that isn't covered (other injectibles are).......hmmm......maybe Cat is right about her RhoGAM theory (go look in the comments for that one). Fuck-faces.

Damn, I sure wish that Sean frickin' signed up for that Medical Savings Account last year, then we could at least have been reimbursed for a lot of the shit we paid out (like freezing our embryos, the monitoring fees), but he dropped the ball, as usual. That's the one thing that seriously pisses me off about him-if he doesn't understand something, or can't deal with it, he just won't do anything about it and let it resolve itself (otherwise known as avoidance), just like his mother does. Nice, huh? *sigh*.......

So, I'll suck it up, pick up the shot at the Walgreens-from-Hell and have to go tomorrow afternoon to have Nursey P stick it in my ass. Can't wait.

So, Who Pays? A Lesson on Why healthcare in the U.S. Sucks

Here's been my day, so far:

7:15am-Alarm goes off. Slap the snooze button and move the cat away from my chest (Buddy does that sometimes-if he wants you up, he'll annoy you until you do it). Doze.

7:45am-Hit snooze for the 40th time. Watch husband come out of the shower (woot!) and get changed for work (boo). Move cat again and roll over.

7:56am-Hit snooze for the last time. Get up and pee, then smell the coffee wafting up the stairs. Realize, with dread, that I need to make a gazillion insurance phone calls today because of the fucking RhoGAM fiasco. Curse and swear. Grumpily go downstairs.

8:05 am-Called the prescription insurance company (my lovely district has a seperate carrier for prescription coverage) about this whole RhoGAM adventure. I found out that the medication is covered (it's normally $800-holy shit!), but it's a "non-preferred" medication, and I'm getting it at a "discounted" rate. Yeah, right. So, I calmly explained the situation (hey, she was nice, why ruin the rest of her day with me acting like a psycho-hose beast, right?) and she said that the RE's office could try to see if it would be covered under the copay, or to try to cover it under major medical insurance. Nice customer service rep told me that the situation "sucks" (her words, people), but to try to see if the RE's office would call to get an exception.

8:15am-Called Horizon Blue Cross and Blue Shield-they don't open on Thursdays until 9am. Gotta wait to call.

8:25am-Have a coffee, a Claritin (damn ragweed!) and a piece of toast. Try to patiently wait. Listen to husband tell me that I need to be "nice" on the phone and be patient. Give husband dirty look and mumble incoherently (coffee hasn't kicked in yet).

8:35am-I called Nursey P and told her what the prescription company said. She told me that she'd try to call, but to also try my regular gyn's office to see if they had it there-if they did, I can just go there as an emergency appointment and just pay the cost of administering the medication ($20) and the rest would be covered. If they didn't have it, then we could go from there. I need to call her back and let her know what's going on.

8:50am-I called my gyn's office-get the answering service. They don't open until 10am. More waiting.

9:08am-Call Blue Cross back. Get a very nice man named Brian on the phone. Explain situation yet again. He was very helpful and knowledgable-even before I finished the whole rigamarole, he knew what I was asking. He told me that since I don't have Blue Cross prescription coverage, their specialty pharmacy unit can't help (if I were covered, the specialty pharmacy would express mail the medication on my behalf to the RE's office, and it would be covered under the copay) because it needs to be under my seperate prescription card. Argh. BUT, he did say that if the gyn's office had the med in the office (which, he said, they usually don't, due to the cost of the medication and that it's not used often enough for them to keep it in stock) I'd just pay the administering fee (drug would be covered). And, if they didn't have it, but sent me to the hospital to have it done (they're right across the street from the hospital), again, the drug would be covered, I'd just pay an administering fee. He totally understood where I was coming from, which was nice-he said that he could understand that I wouldn't want to pay out for it if it's covered under major medical. Nice guy.

9:45 am-I'm waiting for 10am to come to call my gyn's office, where I conveniently have an annual on Tuesday. Of course, they probably still think that I'm pregnant, because Dr. Vest told me that, when I got my lovely 120.2 beta number, he sent a letter to my gyn about it and that I'd be released in 12 weeks to him. This phone call should be interesting, right? They'd better not congratulate me-I think that I might throw up if they did that.

10:04am-Called gyn's office. Wait on the phone and listen to the nice lady's voice on the prompt. Get someone on the phone, who tells me that they don't carry the medication (they never have), and that I'd need to get it through prescription and have the doctor administer it.

10:10am-Call Nursey P back, and give her the low-down. She told me to call Blue Cross back and see if, after I pay out the $$ for it, I could submit a claim under my medical insurance and be reimbursed. If that doesn't work, she'll call my prescription company to see if an exception can be made.

10:17am-Call Blue Cross back. Wait on hold. Get a woman named Paula on the phone. Explain situation yet again. Was told that she didn't know if it would be paid, I'd have to submit the claim and see if Blue Cross would pay for it (uh....and you get paid for......what, exactly?). Processing time is "currently" 30 days from the date of submission. Whoopee. That's, assuming, that they don't "lose" it or pend it for some ridiculous reason.

10:21am-Called Nursey P back. Explain what Blue Cross said. Commiserate with her as to why health insurance sucks ass. She told me that she's got 12 patient's charts in front of her, so she can't do it right this second, but that she will call them and let me know today what the prescription company tells her.

In other words, looks like I'll probably be out $132.00 for the medication ($112 for the drug, plus $20 to have it injected). This is why I have health insurance, which I'm sure is expensive for my employer to pay for (I'm lucky that my employer pays 100% of the premium-teacher's benefits rule), so I can pay for medication that's MEDICALLY NECESSARY and should, in theory, be covered, but doctors office don't want to have it in their offices because it's too expensive to keep. Now, If the doctor's office had it, I wouldn't pay for it. If I had miscarried in a hospital instead of at home, it would have been covered. Now, I can understand why-it's not cost-effective to keep medications that are rarely used (90-95% of the American population is Rh positive) and will expire, but come on!? What's the trade-off.......that I don't get the shot and take a chance with any future pregnancies? To have more miscarriages (which happens because your body attacks the embryo), or, if by some miracle I do get pregnant, have a child with hemolytic disease (which, if you look up the information on it, is horrific), or have a stillbirth? Which is more cost effective, a shot that costs $800 that you get only once (or twice, if you have a lot of the antibodies in your blood), or hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical care for what would end up as a high-risk pregnancy and post-natal treatment.

The numbers don't add up, do they?

Yep, welcome to health insurance in the U.S. Thanks, Dubya. Maybe instead of touring across the country trying to placate the masses as to why we still need to have our soldiers stay and get blown to bits in Iraq, you should be going to doctor's offices, hospitals, and clinics instead to see just how privatized health insurance actually works in the real, average middle class world. Unfortunately, I'm not in the upper 5% of the population that can just shell out money for health coverage and not feel the pinch in my purse. And, I'm not in the lower end of the spectrum either-people on public assistance wouldn't have to pay out tons of cash because of Medicaid and welfare benefits. Benefits that I pay into with each paycheck. That I, hopefully, will never need to use.

So, I, as the middle-man, get screwed. This country is so fucked up.

Some IF humor for you all.

Cat posted some funny sniglets on her blog that are geared toward IF treatments, so I did some digging, and came up with

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wow, it's been a rough couple of days.

I ended up passing everything naturally, which is a plus. It sucked, I was in some pain, but it's over, for the most part.

The bad part-I had errands to run yesterday-went to the bank, had to go to the supermarket, and I had to go to Office Max to get some school supplies. And, ultimately, that's where it happened-at Office Max. I had been crampy for the whole day, and suddenly I had the urge to to go the bathroom, so off I went. Lucky for me, because when I went in to the toilet, there was this gush, and then.......well, you can figure the rest out for yourself. Since then, there's been light bleeding, but I felt much better after that.

I had my follow up this morning at Dr. Vest's office. Sean went with me, and actually took the rest of the day off too, which was a treat. They did an ultrasound and found my endometrial lining at 3mm, which was good. Mr. Techhie said that I'd probably have another day of bleeding or so, but that everything "was clean", which was important-I definitely didn't want a D&C on top of this whole mess. Then, I met with Dr. Vest, and we discussed everything about the cycle, and what our plans are next. He told us that getting pregnant was a "good thing", because it showed that I could get pregnant. He said that many pregnancies end up as early losses; many times, even before a woman really knows that she was pregnant to begin with. Unfortunately, in this age of scientific marvels, it's a case of too much information.

We discussed what's next in the reproductive agenda, and I was surprised to hear him say that we should, after resting for a month or so, start a new cycle of IVF. I had thought, due to the fact that my tubes are for shit, he would want to do a lap and remove the nasty fuckers, but he was looking through my charts and said "well, we did the hysteroscopy and I didn't remove the tubes, since one had slight spillage" and went on to say that if one had the potential to work he didn't want to get rid of it. I voiced my concern over the hyperstimulation problem with my last cycle, and the amount of medication I was on. He told me that I wasn't on the highest dose of stims (225IU daily), but, since my LH is high at day 3, it's obvious that I'm sensitive to the medication, and, at first, responded slower than they thought, he would change it to reduce the risk of what happened last time.

So, it looks like another round of IVF is in the cards for us, barring a miracle conception (yah, right) between now and then.

I have mixed feelings about this-yes, I want this to work, desperately, but my first go-around with IVF was so stressful, and having to work through this will be difficult (although, it will serve as a necessary distraction). Plus, I'm so afraid that I'll get OHSS again and end up in the hospital this time-I looked, and felt like hell, and it was horrific. Plus, what if it doesn't work again? I know, deep down, that no two IVF cycles are alike. But I'm just apprehensive about it. And, let's not go into the whole injectables thing right now. Dr. Vest told me that if I decide to do IVF again he will insist on the PIO shots for progesterone supplementation, as the other stuff I've been on is obviously not enough for me. One of the positives about this is, at least, I know what to expect now-the first time was fraught with anxiety over how I'll feel, if the injections would be painful, if the retrieval would be painful, if I would be awake for it or not, and, taking all the medications and how I'd react to them.

I do want to lose a bit of weight in this "rest period", though. That's the one thing that sucks ass about ART (Advanced Reproductive Technology) treatments and injectibles-they make you gain weight, and in weird ways. For me, it's in my belly and ass. Now, I haven't gone up in clothing size or anything like that, but it's like my weight has shifted to different places in my body. So, it's time to watch myself. Hopefully doing the show will help. Ten pounds off my body would be nice-hell, fifteen would be super-then, if I gain weight on the injectibles it won't be so bad.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot-what's a day in my life without a little drama, right?

Dr. Vest told me, because of my blood type (A-), I need to have the Rh immunoglobin injection called RhoGAM to prevent any future problems should I get pregnant again (the risk of Rh incompatibility rises with additional pregnancies). I actually have an appointment with my regular OB/GYN on Tuesday for my annual exam, but Dr. Vest said that you need the shot administered within 72 hours of a miscarriage or birth to prevent developing the antibodies in the bloodstream. Since they don't usually keep the medication in the office, he had Nursey P call my local pharmacy (yep, the Walgreens-from-Hell) to order the medication (it comes in a pre-filled syringe). I was sitting there when she called them, and specifically asked if it needed a pre-authorization, and was told no. She told me to pick it up, and to come into the office tomorrow and she'd give me the injection.

I went to rehearsal tonight, and, on the way home, stopped at the Walgreens-from-Hell to get my medication. Only to be told, instead of paying my usual $10 copay, I needed to cough up $124.00 for it. I asked the pharmacist what the deal was, and she, of course, had no answer for me. As I wasn't about to pay out the money (I'd never see it again, and plus, I have health and prescription insurance, for fuck's sake!) I left pissed off. I looked up the information on my prescription carrier's website, and it says that the medication is not covered under my prescription plan-can you believe it? Upon further research, it turns out that it is supposed to be covered under the major medical portion of my insurance, not prescription. So, I now have to call both Blue Cross and the prescription plans tomorrow to straighten it all out, before 10am, so I can get the medication, drive to the office and have her give me shot before 11:30am. Fun, right?

It just doesn't end, does it? Welcome to the world if infertility, folks. It's just one wild ride.

Monday, August 22, 2005

I Was Wrong....

It started.

Of course, it had to start right before I left for rehearsal tonight.

I feel like shit. In fact, I feel so shitty that I just took a Tylenol with codeine, just to get rid of the pain (and self-medicate too, if you know what I mean).

Fuck. FUCK.

I'll let the RE's office know tomorrow afternoon when they call.....guess there's no doubt, then.

This fucking SUCKS.

I hate my body-yet again it's betrayed me. And, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which sucks most of all, really.


Just got the callback from Nursey P.

The doctor wants me to still go for the beta tomorrow morning, but also wants me to come in on Wednesday for an ultrasound and an exam (I'll be one of the first patients he sees on Wednesday). I asked her if what I'm experiencing is normal, or if there was a problem, and she said that the doctor didn't that it was unusual, but he wanted to make sure that there's nothing funky going on in the whoo-ha region, or, if there's a baby really in there.

I feel so much better about this, I don't know why. It's like I truly feel, deep in my heart, that my growing suspicion is about to be validated.

Hopefully I'm right.

Whoo-ha Woes

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

It's weird--call me insane, call me in denial, whatever, but I'm getting the feeling more and more that maybe this "chemical pregnancy" is being misdiagnosed, and that I'm actually still pregnant. I can't pinpoint exactly what makes me feel that way. I talked to Sean about it, and he didn't think that I'm nuts-he said that I know my body best, and if something's not right, I need to call the doctor's office and talk to someone about it. Doctors aren't always 100% right. In fact, in this instance, I'm sure Dr. Vest would gladly eat his words if he was wrong and I were pregnant.

I rooted around in the bathroom and found one more HPT-it's a Fact Plus test, which measures a minimun of 40mlU of HCG, and peed on it last night. Within one minute, it came up as "+", clear as day. Now, if my HCG on Thursday was 36.7, and should have, in theory, been dropping since then, why would a positive still be there? Total mind fuck. Plus, I'm starting to get a queasy feeling more and more often-it comes and goes. Not enough to barf, just a "urgh, I feel kinda churny in the stomach" feeling. And, those cramps that I'm getting-they're low, most often on the right side, and has the same pulling sensation that I had before. And, that constant hunger thing is still going on.

So, risking the thought that they would think I'm psycho, I called the office and spoke to Nursey P. I asked her what kind of bleeding would I experience, and she rattled off the signs. I told her that I haven't seen blood yet, it's been the same type of brown spotting, only when I go to the bathroom, not enough to soak a pad and now it's stopped completely (it actually stopped yesterday). I also told her about the pulling feeling and I told her that it's the same type of cramping that I've had all along (I didn't tell her about the nausea or the HPT, though). Nursey seemed more concerned that I haven't bled yet than the crampy feeling, so she said that Dr. Vest was with a patient right now, but she was going to speak to him and call me back.

This is one of the reasons that I like this office-they take every inquiry seriously, no matter how odd it may sound. The one thing that I'm worried about is that they'll prescribe Provera without seeing me first, which I'm not going to stand for. I have to go for another beta tomorrow morning, which will show us what the numbers are. I think, that when she calls back, I'll ask her if, for peace of mind, I can come in for an ultrasound, just to see what the hell's going on in there. I am prepared that it would show nothing, but what if there's something there? What if these cramping feelings on my right side is a tubal pregnancy? What if there's-dare I say it-a fetus with a heartbeat pumping away in there?

It's better to be safe than sorry, isn't it?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sunday Thoughts

We went out to dinner last night-Sean had to move M's shit out of her house yesterday (her closing is next week) and she originally told me that it would "only take a few hours" and that we could make it to Shelli's with no problems. Riiiiight. Nine hours later, Sean comes home, sweaty and sore. M's bedroom furniture, which she bought for the house, is oversized and heavy. Sean and Sexy Josh did most of the work, and they had to go back and forth several times to load and unload furniture. M felt bad (especially since she found out we had to cancel going into the city) and told us that she was taking us out for a steak dinner. Too right.

I purposely chose an expensive restaurant. Yes, I'm a bitch. But it was totally worth it-the food was excellent.

So, we're going in this morning to Shelli's instead, which she's cool about (yay, I get to see the orange room up close and personal!). Then, tonight, we're going to a friend's for dinner and to watch the finale of "Six Feet Under", with G&A. Our friends know that we're going through IF treatment, but they don't know anything about our recent disappointment, and I prefer to keep it that way, at least for now.

Okay, the next part is a bit TMI, so if you don't want to read, then don't:

I noticed that the only time that I'm bleeding is when I go to the bathroom-there's blood and clots in the toilet, and on the toilet paper, but not on any pad that I'm wearing. It's a brownish red, sometimes more reddish, sometimes more brown. I also noticed that, when I wake up in the morning, there's no blood on the pad, unlike when you have your period, you're bleeding at all times, whether you're lying down or standing up. Is that normal? No really horrible cramping, either. It's just weird. It gives me the irrational feeling that maybe it's not a miscarriage.....yeah, I know that thought is crazy. But, since they told me on Friday I've been wondering if the doctors are wrong-maybe I'm miscarrying a twin, and the other embryo is okay? I know that isn't a rational or realistic thought, but it's been on my mind.

Another thought-since I'm Rh negative, did that have anything to do with this pregnancy not working? Maybe I actually miscarried way back in April with my first IVF (when I bled like a pig right before the beta-my progesterone was really low on those Crinone suppositories) and should have had the Rhogam injection, and maybe that's why it didn't work this time?

All questions that need to be asked.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Thank you

I can't even put it into words how touched I am for the responses I've received. You women are amazing, you truly are. It's unfortunate that we're all here for the reasons that we're here, but I'm grateful, truly, that you're out there in blogland. Thank you all-it really helps.

Cat and Shelli-I can't even say enough how much you guys mean to me. You've been there, every step, even with your own dramas going on. Muchos besos to both of you. Your kindness will not be forgotten.

Yesterday was probably one of the toughest days of my life. Not that today isn't either, but yesterday was horrific. I just stayed in bed, in my pj's, all day, alternating between crying my eyes out and looking up "chemical pregnancy" on the Internet.

I hate that phrase. It's a miscarriage, plain and simple. And, it's not just "like a heavy period"-it's getting rid of a baby that was so desperately wanted, and was joyously received.

It's a death.

The worst had to have been when Sean came home from work. He just sat at the edge of the bed and cried. It was more disturbing to me to see him like that than anything else. He told me that from the beginning he didn't have a good feeling about it, and he didn't want to get his hopes up. He said that it's nobody's fault, that we'll get through this, and whatever I decide in the future (ie. more treatments) is up to me and he'll support it.

God, I love this man. Even if, God forbid, I never am able to have babies, at least I have him.

Here's the most fucked up thing about this whole situation-I received not one, but two "mommy-to-be" congratulations cards in the mail-one from my mother-in-law, and one from a friend. They meant well, I know, but still-a bit early, don't you think? Sean freaked out when he saw them in the post. He tried to calm himself down, knowing that they weren't meant maliciously, but he said, very firmly "if we do this again, we aren't telling ANYONE next time". Which, I suppose, he's right. I know involving people is running the risk of this kind of shit, but since Sean is a needle wimp, we unfortunately need to involve people, unless he steps up and learns to do the shots. Things to think about...

As to whether or not I'll do another cycle (those were the last of our frozen embies)-I don't know. Sean says that I don't need to make that deccision right now, but I know that Dr. Vest will want to do a lap first to deal with my tubes, and I don't know if I want that, especially since school will be starting soon, and I can't financially afford to be on medical leave for a few weeks. I had such a hard time with that first cycle, too. Maybe next time would be different, who knows.

Today, we're going into the city to Shelli's place-Sean's going to be making some built-in bookshelves for their living room-and Cat's coming over. Sean told me yesterday, that we should still go, that he thought that spending our day with people going through similar journeys will be good for us, and he's right. I can't imagine two other wonderful people to share my Saturday with.

I'm feeling okay, right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad, grieving, angry, in pain. But, for now, I'm just going on being okay. That's good enough for me.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I can't believe I'm even posting this:

Beta #3-HCG-36.7, progestgerone 25.2
It's dropped from 120 to 36.7

The nurse said that it's probably a chemical pregnancy, but that she will give the results to the RE and someone will call me back.

I can't believe this-after 3+ years, I finally get a BFP, and now this. I tried to see online if there was any hope here-maybe there was a twin that was lost, or something, but I doubt it.

I want to throw up, I'm so upset. I can't even cry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think right now.


Nursey P just called-the RE wants me to stop all medications and wait for my period. It's a chemical pregnancy.

I'll go in on Tuesday for one more beta, to make sure it's 0, then they want me to come in to see the doctor.

I just can't believe this. I was pregnant, and now I'm not.

I don't know if I can go through another IVF cycle. I don't know what I want to right now, except curl up into a ball and die.

Maybe this is a sign, maybe I shouldn't try anymore. Maybe I should just give up.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

More Waiting

Beta #3 was today. I went in bright and early for the blood draw at the local Quest Lab. I've got to tell you, I have yet to go to a shitty Quest Lab. They are so nice and professional there. Plus, the one I go to (literally 7 minutes from my house) is never busy, and it's brand new-yay!

I just want to have this over with. I want these numbers to be really good, especially the progesterone. Then perhaps I can get the fuck off some of the twat rockets. I've been spotting (brown, and somewhat heavy at times) for two days now and it's starting to freak me out. I know that Nursey P said that it's normal, that it's probably the progesterone that's irritating my vagina and cervix, but it doesn't ease the panic I feel every time I go to the bathroom and I see it on the toilet paper. The only consolation is that it really only seems to happen after I put the twat rocket in, but it doesn't make things easier.

Then, after the results of the beta, I will have more waiting-for the first ultrasound. What if there's nothing there? And, if there is something there, what if there isn't the next time?

You see, the worrying doesn't stop.

I'm wondering, as an woman who is only able to conceive through advanced means, if this is normal thinking. The average, normal woman (ie. one who has no fertility problems and is able to have children on their own) seems, to me, blissfully ignorant to beta numbers, progesterone levels, that there's a decent chance that nothing shows on the ultrasounds. They assume that once they see the positive home pregnancy test, everything will be okay. Is it because we infertile women (and I'm using the term generally to include not only people TTC, but also women who miscarry and experience late-term loss, because it is an impairment to fertility, IMHO) are forced to be more educated about our bodies and what doctors are doing to them in order for them to satisfy the urge to procreate? Or, that we're aware, through our growing network, both online and face to face support groups, of what can go wrong? Or.....could it be the doctors and nurses themselves? They are almost always overly cautious, not wanting to give you too much hope, just in case.

I wish that I could be blissfully ignorant, to have that excitement that most first-time pregnant women feel. They say that knowledge is power, but I wonder, sometimes, if it's power that's meant to liberate you from fear, or imprison you within it.

Any thoughts? Let's discuss.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Neandrathal Thinking in the Modern Era

Sean got home about an hour ago from his trip to upstate NY with G&A. He said that they had fun, but it wasn't the same without me (awww.......suck up). He bought the equivalent of two cases of wine while there, and hit a dozen wineries as well. Of course, I can't benefit from said two cases of wine, but hey, they're better when aged, right?

He actually got me a few bottles of Marsala wine, so I can make some kick-ass Chicken Marsala. Yummy.....

He did say that there was one incident that he found really disturbing. He, G and A went out to a restaurant for a nice meal-an inn-type restaurant in an old home. There was this couple who brought a baby into the restaurant who was really fussy and was disruptive, so they asked the headwaiter if they could move, which they were cool about -they had a few tables outside. As the three of them were going outside, G&A went first, Sean behind them, they were passing a table of about 8 people, a family, probably. As Sean passed the table, one of the guys at the table said, loud enough for Sean to hear "Yeah, that's right, go outside with your boyfriend". Which totally pushed Sean over the edge. He stopped, turned, held out his left hand and said to the guy, "My wife is at home, and you're out of line and need to have some respect for me and my friends" and walked out. He told the guys what happened afterwards, because he was so riled up. They couldn't believe, in this day and age, that people can be so ignorant.

The payback: As the party was leaving, they passed their table. One of the men at the table (not the guy who was a douchebag) stopped at their table, looked and Sean, and apologized for his tablemates' rude and uncalled for behavior.

Go baby!

I just can't believe that there are still people out there that are still like that, in this day and age. Don't they realize how ignorant and ass-backwards they sound? Holy shit, if I were his wife I'd tear him a new asshole, I'd be so pissed off at him. It makes me so sad that there are people in the world out there who are so prejudiced, and are just repeating the cycle in their own children, unless their own kids have gotten a clue by now. I'm lucky that our child will have meaningful relationships with the diverse network that we call our friends, so that she or he will learn that love doesn't care whether you and your intended are the same gender or not.

Oh, yeah, what the fuckwad didn't know was that the restaurant was owned by a lesbian couple. Heh. If I were the owners and found out what the asshole did, I would have pissed in his dinner.

But that's because I'm a vindictive bitch.

People are just so fucked up.

Twats and Twat Rockets

First, thanks for all your responses. I know that it's weird to have those feelings, but I knew that you'd understand. I am happy, really-I just don't want to be too happy, just in case (God forbid) something happens. It's still not real for me yet. Maybe after Monday it will be.

I started spotting this morning. It's reddish-brown. I only see it when I go to the bathroom, (no blood on the perpetual pantyliner attached to my undies to catch the leftover twat rocket) and I noticed, on the last pee-run, that there was this grainy stuff in the toilet afterwards. But, when I put in my twat bullet this morning, there was no blood or yick on the applicator.

I called the Dr. Vest's office and spoke to Nursey P. She said that the bleeding is normal-the twat bullets cause the cervix and vagina to become irritated, and it could bleed, since the cervix is really sensitive. She said that if it gets heavier, or is bright red, to get off my feet immediately. She said that there really isn't much that they can do at this point, since my progesterone is pretty good. We just have to wait until tomorrow's beta (hopefully my last one) to see what the deal is, and if I need to continue the bullets and the shots....

Had some "injection drama" today. M is working today, and has an appt with a realtor after work. I have rehearsal tonight (I have to be there by 7), so I called my mother-in-law (an LPN) to see if she could shoot me up at 6pm. She told me that she was having people over at that time (friends from her old job) and, she "wouldn't say no" but if I could find someone else, that would be good. WTF???? This is her grandchild, for fuck's sake! My mother lives over an hour away and has to work tonight (she's a nursing supervisor who works the evening shift) and M can't do it (otherwise it wouldn't be an issue). So, I call my mom first to see what options we have. Bad idea. My mother and my MIL don't exactly get along (my mom thinks she's self-centered, which is a valid point). My mom starts freaking out and calling her an asshole and threatens to call her up. I said not to bother. It's not worth it. I call M at work and explain the situation. Sexy Josh can't do it and she can't do it-she has a meeting with a realtor and he's going with her. She comes up with an idea-her mom works in a urologist's office on the way to rehearsal-she'll call her mom to see if one of the nurses can give it to me. Thank GOD someone will be there, so I have to be there at 6.

I call my MIL back and let her know that it's been taken care of. She says,"Well, I'd do if you really needed me to, but with company here......" Whatever. She lives literally less than 10 minutes away from me. She actually wanted me to go over there and get injected, in the middle of her party-no WAY! That's all I need. I can understand that she had friends over, but, come ON......if it were my kid, there wouldn't be any conflict. I'd be there and do whatever it takes. Especially if my kid were going through what I've been through (and she's been more than aware of our struggles with conceiving).

I hate having to rely on other people. I hate having to basically beg people to help. Sean can't do this (he has a hard time with the shots, and if he's that nervous I don't want him near my ass with a 2" syringe) and I can't give them to myself. Hopefully, after tomorrow's beta/progesterone check, I won't need to be on the shots for much longer. Then it won't be an issue.

She's an ass.

I'm really REALLY gassy today, and I'm a little crampy. Not period crampy, but gassy/intestinal crampy, like the poopie cramps you get when you're stomach's upset or if you ate something that was too heavy or didn't agree with you. No poopie problems, really-just that (sorry if TMI). I'm also a little dizzy today, especially if I get up too fast. And, the hunger thing is still there. I got home from rehearsal last night and had to have something to eat.

All good signs, right? Let's hope they continue.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

New Toys

I'm posting from the comfort of my bed, with my brandy-new laptop. It's fucking AWESOME! I just have to learn to type on this thing like a regular keyboard, because I keep making typing mistakes and I have to constantly correct myself.......I'll try to take a pic of it tomorrow and post it, so you can see for yourselves how fabulous it really is.

I'm exhausted today. I'm not sure if it's because of the pregnancy or if it's just that I'm not sleeping as well as I usually do, since Sean isn't here with me. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and woke up after two hours! Holy crap!

I felt a bit crampy off and on today too, but my understanding is that's normal-everything is stretching out down there. My ass, however, is a bruised mess. The shots themselves don't hurt, but the injection site is sore afterwards, and I'm getting bruise marks. At least M knows where not to put the needle, right?

So, this whole pregnancy hasn't sunk in yet. I feel really weird, like it's all a dream and that I'm going to wake up and it's going to be January all over again. It doesn't seem real to me at all. My brain is having problems switching from "infertile girl" to "pregnant girl". I mean, I'm still infertile-meaning that I can't have children without medical intervention-that hasn't changed. But, now there's someone else that's actually growing inside of me, even as I type this. A person, who will contribute to society someday (hopefully in a more meaningful way than "keg-stand king/queen of Party Town U., if you get my drift).

In some bizarre way, I feel guilty, that it's me and not someone else. Am I totally fucked up for feeling that way? Is that a normal thought pattern to have?

Monday, August 15, 2005

It's Official......

Nursey P called with my beta results:


I go back for another beta on Thursday, then I go to see Dr. Vest and Mr. Techhie on Monday the 22nd to have an ultrasound.....

I'm officially PREGNANT!!!

Sunday, August 14, 2005 peeing on anything that's not tied down considered obsessive/compulsive?

Yeah, I'm being a bit (okay, more than a bit) OCD about this, but I'm feeling really anxious.

My ass, by the way, is sore as hell-both cheeks. I've got to give credit where credit is due, however; M certainly knows how to give shots-I really didn't feel them.

And yes, she did "take one for the team" last night with Sexy Josh-and still has the perma-grin to prove it. Heh. Well, at least one of us is still having sex......

I went today to the local Rite-Aid and bought two different brands of tests-an EPT one and the ClearBlue Easy-they both have either a "+" or "-" result (rather than the one or two line ones-I have no patience trying to figure those out). The EPT picks up a minimum level of 40 mlU and the ClearBlue Easy picks up a minimum of 25mlU. The ClearBlue one had a nice, dark "+" in the window; The EPT one also had a "+", but the horizontal line that intersects the "positive" part of the test wasn't as dark as it should have been (the "-" part of the plus sign.). The vertical line was nice and dark, however, so I guess that's good. Unfortunately, I looked online too late and realized that the RiteAid brand HPT has a minimum detection of 50miU-shit, should've bought those.....oh, well.

I took pictures of both tests. Hopefully, if I can get them loaded onto my 'puter I'll try to post them and you can discuss it amongst yourselves. My digital camera is a bit crappy, though, so I'm not sure how they came out.

Beta #2 is tomorrow morning. I'm not feeling any differently, except for the hunger thing, and this weird pulling/cramping feeling "down there". And being bloated, which is always fun.

So, until otherwise proven, I am still Pregnant. It feels so weird to even write that word. Once tomorrow afternoon and Nursey P's call has been made, then I can start to relax.

But, not yet.

So Sad.....

Shelli let me know yesterday that the birth mother decided to parent, instead of signing the adoption papers. I hope and pray that this girl has made the right decision for this child.

I feel so badly for's horrible-I can't even begin to imagine how they feel right now.....

Shelli, if you (or Narda) are reading this, please know that I'm so sorry and that my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. Nothing that anyone says can make you feel better, but please know I'm here for you, whenever.................I'm just a train ride away (and I've still got an extra ticket in my wallet!).

Saturday, August 13, 2005



Go to Shelli's blog for more details.

And, peeps, we all need to send "smooth signing" vibes their way, so they can bring their daughter home soon!

I, as I know Shelli does, feel for this girl-I can't begin to imagine what she's going through-but I absolutely admire the selflessness and maturity that she has in making a decision to give her baby up for adoption. She is truly giving Shelli and Narda a gift, and I, as their friend, will be forever grateful to her.

Cautious Optimism

M came over last night to do my ass shot, which wasn't that bad-the jabbing isn't the worst part, it's when the oil goes in-yeouch! Hey, if this works, I don't care how many ass shots I have to take-I'll do it. She did it, instead of my mother-in-law, because Sean never told her that we were doing the FET cycle-I guess he really was listening to me during that huge argument-and I didn't want to have to explain anything to her at the last minute and have to deal with hurt feelings (whatever-she should have kept her mouth shut the first time and I wouldn't be nervous trusting her, right?).

Yeah, I forgot how much Progesterone In Oil injections hurt afterwards. And, I also (conveniently) forgot how BIG the syringe and needle were! I almost had a panic attack when she uncapped it.

She and Sean told me that I have to relax and take it easy, that worrying isn't going to make anything happen, which they're right. I did tell M that the only thing that would make me feel better is that she "do the deed" with Sexy Josh. She said that if that's the only thing that will help, she'll try to comply......


Sean is really not wanting to talk about it. He keeps saying that we need to wait until Monday, when we know more. I know that it's because he doesn't want to get his hopes up, and that's his way of dealing with it. So, it's forcing me to not obsess over it for the weekend.

Shelli called me last night and she (and the girls from my buddy group on FF) reminded me that 38.1 is still pregnant. And, she's right. She told me that the number doesn't matter, it's that it should double every 48-72 hours-that's what counts. I'm not worried so much about the progesterone-when I did the fresh IVF cycle and they put me on the shots because my progesterone was too low on the Crinone, my P4 levels went up to 25, so I know that the shots will work.

And, I know that there could be many reasons that the numbers are low-I could have implanted later, it could be that it's not burrowing in there enough because the progesterone is low. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'll miscarry. I don't feel any differently. No crampiness, no spotting or bleeding.

I don't want to hope too much, but honestly, I just have this feeling that this will stick. I don't know what makes me think that, but I do.

I hope I'm right.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Mixed Blessings

Nursey P called around 6pm with my beta results, and they weren't what I expected.

It's positive.

But, my progesterone and beta levels were lower than expected. My progesterone was at 11.6 (should be around 20 by now) and my beta was at 38.1 (should be at around 100). Nursey P told me that "it's positive, but don't do a dance yet". She wants me to continue the Baby Bullets twice a day, and add 1cc of PIO to that every night (the dreaded ass-shot) for the rest of the weekend, then I have to do another beta/progesterone test on Monday so they can see if the levels went up. If they did, then great. If not, then it's probably a chemical pregnancy.

WHY ME!? Why now, after three years and I FINALLY get a positive pregnancy test, do I still have to go through shit? Why can't I have an easy time of it?

Anyone know if, with these numbers, I can still have a viable pregnancy, or am I just fucked?

Please God, let this stick. Don't show me the world, then take it all away from me. I don't think that I could survive that right now.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Decisions, Decisions

Sean and I decided tonight that, should the beta be positive tomorrow, we aren't telling very many people. These are the people we will tell (of course, just in case), excepting present company, of course:

My mom and dad
My brother
My grandmother and grandfather
Sean's mom and stepfather
Sean's dad
Sean's stepbrother
Lil' Man (and the Dementor, by default)
Six close friends who have been very supportive throughout our IF journey.

Looking at the list now, it seems like a HUGE amount of people, doesn't it? But, for the most part, it is immediate family.

Sean and I agreed that, again assuming that the pregnancy test is positive, we will only tell these people, and make them swear on their future progeny's life not to tell anyone (and I mean anyone) else, just in case something (God forbid!) should happen. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but the whole IVF debacle from the last time with my mother-in-law's big yapper flying in the wind for all of her family to hear hits a little too close to home right now. So, assuming all will be well and everything works out, we could tell our families around Thanksgiving, which would really be a nice surprise.

Of course, this is also assuming that I'm pregnant, right?


Hopefully it won't make an ass out of u and me.

Breaking Point

Okay, I'm really starting to freak myself out today.

Tomorrow's the big day. Test day. The day I find out whether or not I'm pregnant, or still infertile.

I'm so scared that it's negative. I'm even more afraid that it's positive, but too low to carry a pregnancy, and that I'll miscarry.

Hell, I'm just afraid, let's face it.

I do have to say, I've been really REALLY good-I haven't peed on anything evil or stick-like yet. I did buy tests, though-one box of ClearBlue Easy (the one that has the plus or minus) and the ClearBlue Easy Digital one (that says the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" when it's done). I have decided that I'm going to do both tests tomorrow when I wake up, before I go in for the blood test. I need to mentally prepare myself somehow, so that if it IS negative, it won't be so shocking when Nursey P calls and says it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's more real to me when you actually hear someone telling you test results, as opposed to seeing it on a (really evil) stick.

Tomorrow morning, I go for the beta at my local Quest Diagnostics lab. I think that I'll go to the newer one that I went to for my monitoring in June and the labwork for this FET cycle. I was going to go to the one in Westfield (conveniently located down the street from Panera and Trader Joe's), but I've come to associate that lab with the negative beta from IVF #1-and yes, I know that sounds really wacko to say that. Then, my friend Tina has the day off from work, and her son will be with his grandma, so we're going to have lunch tomorrow afternoon and walk around Westfield, looking in shop windows and wishing we can afford to buy stuff. It's certainly better than sitting home, staring obsessively at the phone and sending "positive beta" vibes at it, right?

It's 13dp5(6)dt-also known as "shit or get off the pot" day. By this time tomorrow I'll know (as, of course, will you-I wouldn't keep you out of the loop!), one way or the other.

The waiting is really starting to get to me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I changed the template back

to the old one, for now-not having my graphics up was bugging the shit out of me.

However, Cat told me that she could still see them, so when I went to my parent's house yesterday I logged into their computer, hoping to see my little bubbles, but NADA.

Hopefully it's only temporary. I wish I knew how to design my own blog template-then I can do whatever I want......*sigh* oh, well.

Today is 11dp5(6)dt. I think that I'll take an HPT tomorrow morning, just to see. I'm afraid to, because I don't want to see that "negative" result, but maybe I'll be surprised.

No other symptoms, except for the need to have to wear a pantyliner all the time. There's CONSTANT leakage, which I'm assuming is from the suppositories (I've christened them the "baby bullets"), but it's nasty. I keep going to the crapper, thinking that I'm spotting, but there's nada. That's been pretty constant in the last week or so, though.


No other happenings going on around here. Just waiting for B(eta)-day and the arrival of my laptop, which can't come sooner-my computer has been running slow as shite lately. Plus, it'll be nice to blog from my bed, the couch, or even outside, since I got an internal wireless card and a modem-woot!

Two more days to go.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Smoothie Therapy

The queasiness went away, finally. It vaguely reminded me of the queasiness that I got when I first went on birth control pills many moons ago. Not "I'm gonna ralph" nausea, but that slightly blech feeling that doesn't really leave you. Like you're not sure to barf or not nausea.

I had to go out and get gas for the car (I basically coasted to the station down the street on the leftover fumes, that's how empty my tank was) and go to the bank, so I went to Planet Smoothie to treat myself, since it was sort of on my way (okay, it wasn't, but I didn't care...I wanted one!). All I can say is.....yummy yummy. I got the "Thelma and Louise" which was quite tasty (and apparently the "Women's Only" booster in it is preggo- or trying to be preggo-friendly).

I found that after scarfing one down (and risking brain freeze) my queasy feeling had miraculously disappeared........

Smoothie Therapy RULES!

Hmmm......maybe I am pregnant?........okay, I really didn't say that! Forget that I said that! I don't wanna jinx myself! ARRRGH!

Feeling a bit better today.....

I had a hormonal mini-meltdown last night, what with the pain of the migraine and stress.....

I called Dr. Vest's office this morning, and spoke with Nursey P about the suppositories. Apparently, seeing blood on the applicator is a common thing-I guess you're irritating your cervical lining with the progesterone-but, as long as I'm not bleeding or seeing blood in the toilet(which I'm not) it's okay.

So, I felt a bit better about that-at least it's normal, which means that I'm still in the game, for the time being.

I woke up headache-free, but now I'm getting another headache as I type-I'm wondering now if it's due to the weather (it's really humid and it's supposed to rain) and allergies-I haven't taken an allergy pill since last Friday the 29th. It's always in the same area-behind my left eye and radiating down my neck on the same side, which is leading me to believe it's a sinus thing.

There is, however, two new symptoms to obsess over-hunger and nausea. I got up this morning at around 7:30, had breakfast at 8am, then by 11:30 was STARVING, so I made myself a PB&J. Now, I feel slightly queasy. It was like this on Saturday too. I was hungry, had a snack (cheese and Triscuits), then got slightly nauseated and had to lie down. I didn't feel better until later on, after I ate and drank something.


It's 9dp5(6)dt. I have decided that I will refuse to pee on an evil stick until Thursday the 11th. That way, I'll be slightly more emotionally prepared if it's negative. I have sucessfully resisted the urge to take one thus far. That doesn't mean that I DON'T want to do an HPT, it just means that I'm scared shitless to.

4 more days to go, until B(eta)-day. I think that it will be the four longest days of my life.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Why I think that it didn't work

I really am starting to believe that the transfer didn't take.

Here are my reasons:

I've a wicked headache-and I mean WICKED, like migraine status. Usually I get these right before I get my period. It's so bad that I feel nauseated

After I put in my suppositories today (both morning and tonight's), there was blood on the applicator after I removed it. Not full blood, more like that mucus tinged stuff you get before your period comes in full force.

No sore boobs.

Sort of crampy, off and on.

Maybe I'm overreacting, or not. I just don't know what I'm going to do if I get my period tomorrow (or within the next few days). I thought that, with taking these suppositories, it was going to be different. Hell, I felt totally different than the last time. Maybe that's not the case.

We're at 8dp5(6)dt. Only 5 days until B-day, and I'm afraid that I won't make it, that the flow will come full-force. I'm so afraid that this didn't take, that I'm going to end up in surgery and have more needles, more pain.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. When is enough, enough?

Friday, August 05, 2005


I figured out why I can't see my graphics on my blog.

It's because the person, who was hosting the images, decided to take them down and now is requesting that whoever has the layout host them on their own. Since I have NO idea how the hell to do this , I guess I'm changing my template again.

Sigh. I wish that I were more literate in HTML and CSS, or I'd make my own layout. I was on Blogskins looking around, and I can't find anything appropriately cynical for my taste.

Poor me.

I just hope that the disappearance of my bubbles (embies) isn't a sign of bad things to come.....

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good. We're up to 6dp5(6)dt. Exactly seven days until B day.

Waiting sucks.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

4dp5(6)dt-the bitchiness has set in, folks!

Well, I expected it to happen sooner or later, right?

I am so on edge right now-how much of it is from the PMS-like feelings of progesterone therapy, or from just having my nerves stretched, is another story. But, I don't know if I'm going to make it to next Friday without peeing on an Evil Stick or not. In one way, I'd like to prepare myself, that way if it is negative, it won't be such a blow to my psyche. On the other hand, it could be wrong, and why put myself through that?

Arrgh.......decisions decisions. The jury's still out on that one.

I'm exhausted (I'm taking naps during the day), occasionally crampy, getting hungry quicker, peeing a lot, have a headache and a bit constipated (TMI, sorry). All attributed, according to Dr. Vest, to the progesterone. But, I don't recall feeling this way the last time (except for being tired and constipated)-is it pregnancy symptoms, or progesterone side effects? Maybe because I had OHSS and the Crinone didn't work as well, I didn't recognize these feelings because I didn't feel well to begin with?

Or, could I be.......dare I say it......... the "P" word?

Okay, don't want to jinx myself there, let's move on to another topic.......

Let's see, what did I do today? Well, the Verizon man came by today-we've been having trouble with tons of static on our line. Miraculously, there was no static when he came by today. Figures. Murphy's Law, right?

The piano tuner also was here today, so my piano FINALLY sounds like what it is supposed to, not like a sick goose.

I also received confirmation that my new laptop will be shipped next Friday, which is beta pregnancy test day (also known around here as "B" day). Well, at least if it's negative I get a new present to use, I guess.

I watched a great movie on cable called "Magdalene Sisters". It was about how, in Ireland in the 60's, there were these laundries (workhouses) where girls of "questionable morality" were sent (ie. girls who got preggo out of wedlock, or had sex outside marriage) and were basically tortured by the nuns there. Holy shit-it was really disturbing to watch, particularly because apparently it's a true story. If you can catch it, or rent it, do so-it was a good flick.

Oh, yeah, and I tried really REALLY hard not to obsess as to whether or not I'm pregnant yet. I guess, at this point, either I am, or I'm not. I'm just afraid, either way, to find out. Is that normal, or am I just getting psychotic?

What the fuck happened to my template!?!?

I logged in this morning to Blogger and found, when I tried to view my blog, that all my graphics associated with my template are GONE (my little embryo-like bubbles are not there anymore!).

My poor little blog looks forlorn, doesn't it?

I haven't changed anything or have even touched my template since I put the new one in-so what the FUCK!?

I emailed Blogger to see what's up-hopefully someone will get back to me before I hit menopause.

This really sucks.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Stupid Human Tricks

I picked up my progesterone suppositories yesterday and put the first one in last night, which ended up being something out of a John Hughes comedy.

We had dinner, relaxed, then I decided that it was time to plant the bullet (so to speak). I get to the bathroom only to find there are no pantyliners in the cabinet. So, I do what every woman usually does (no, not waddle with your panties around your ankles out of the toilet to the linen closet, although I have done that in the past)......yell as loud as I can for Sean to bring them to me. Luckily, the bathroom is right above the living room (if you want specifics, see my entry in January '05 about our bathroom pipes-there are even pics!), so it wasn't a long wait. Banging on the floor helps.

I put the pad in, and get the bullet out. It literally looks like a piece of broken chalk. How appropriate, I think to myself. Then, sitting on the toilet, I load it into the applicator, and shoot it up there.

Only to have it fall out 3 seconds later. Into the toilet.

Yes, I wasn't thinking. And no, the water was clean.

So, of course I felt it falling out, and tried to "catch" it. Like that was going to happen.

Freaked out a bit, then I had to fish it out of the least there was nothing in there.

Sean is in hysterics at this point (he's watching at the bathroom door). He thinks that this is much better entertainment than watching reruns of "The Dave Chapelle Show".

Ignored husband. Washed it off (don't know if you were supposed to do that or not), then put it back in the applicator. Realized (stupidly) that you have to insert it lying down, so it can't fall out.

Left the bathroom (with my panties and pj's around my ankles-there, I did it anyway!), hand the applicator with the magic bullet (slighly tarnished, but what the hell) to Sean and tell him to hold it for a second while I climb into bed.

Sean proceeds to sniff it and pretend to eat it. He's lucky that I didn't make it a reality.

FINALLY, I get it in and lay there with my book, waiting for it to melt away. Sean applauds (like I just did a fucking magic trick, or maybe I did, who knows) and narrowly misses the pillow that I threw at his head (yeah, THAT one).

All in all, it could have been worse. But HOLY SHIT was it funny.

Monday, August 01, 2005

2dp5(6)dt-Why Progesterone has become my New Best Friend

I called Dr. Vest's office this morning to find out when the beta pregnancy test is supposed to be. Nursey puts me on hold to get my chart, and Dr. Vest himself gets back on the line. He asks how I'm feeling (just dandy, doc!) and tells me that he was just writing out a prescription for me. Uh, what for? I ask. Then he tells me progesterone. FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

But, he tells me that he's putting me on the suppositories, which I had before (and bled before my beta), instead of the dreaded PIO shots. I pointed out that I bled early on the suppositories, but he told me that because I had so much estrogen in me already, from the hormone injections, the suppositories weren't enough. Now, since I'm using my natural cycle, the suppositories should be more than adequate for me. Dr. Vest feels that, even though my progesterone is normally good, he'd rather prescribe it as a precaution-it's better to be safe than sorry later on.

Now I get to stick that stuff in me twice a day. Can't wait. It's so gross. Plus, you get this stuff the texture of cottage cheese coming out after awhile (the old gel), which ain't exactly sexy, if you know what I mean. And, I loathe cottage cheese. But, at least it's not leaky-got to give it props for that.

So, off I go this afternoon to Schraft's Pharmacy, which is about a 20 minute car ride for me. For those of you in the IF world who don't know about this gem, it's a fertility pharmacy. That's all they have there-fertility medications, injectibles, pills, suppositories, you name it, they have it. They even have a nurse practitioner on staff to help you if you have a problem with the injectibles or if you need someone to give you an injection. And, the best part is that they ship anywhere in the U.S., so if you need to get meds, GET THEM THERE! They are really nice and extremely helpful, too.

OK, there's my shameless free plug for them-they ROCK.

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good today.