Saturday, August 20, 2005

Thank you

I can't even put it into words how touched I am for the responses I've received. You women are amazing, you truly are. It's unfortunate that we're all here for the reasons that we're here, but I'm grateful, truly, that you're out there in blogland. Thank you all-it really helps.

Cat and Shelli-I can't even say enough how much you guys mean to me. You've been there, every step, even with your own dramas going on. Muchos besos to both of you. Your kindness will not be forgotten.

Yesterday was probably one of the toughest days of my life. Not that today isn't either, but yesterday was horrific. I just stayed in bed, in my pj's, all day, alternating between crying my eyes out and looking up "chemical pregnancy" on the Internet.

I hate that phrase. It's a miscarriage, plain and simple. And, it's not just "like a heavy period"-it's getting rid of a baby that was so desperately wanted, and was joyously received.

It's a death.

The worst had to have been when Sean came home from work. He just sat at the edge of the bed and cried. It was more disturbing to me to see him like that than anything else. He told me that from the beginning he didn't have a good feeling about it, and he didn't want to get his hopes up. He said that it's nobody's fault, that we'll get through this, and whatever I decide in the future (ie. more treatments) is up to me and he'll support it.

God, I love this man. Even if, God forbid, I never am able to have babies, at least I have him.

Here's the most fucked up thing about this whole situation-I received not one, but two "mommy-to-be" congratulations cards in the mail-one from my mother-in-law, and one from a friend. They meant well, I know, but still-a bit early, don't you think? Sean freaked out when he saw them in the post. He tried to calm himself down, knowing that they weren't meant maliciously, but he said, very firmly "if we do this again, we aren't telling ANYONE next time". Which, I suppose, he's right. I know involving people is running the risk of this kind of shit, but since Sean is a needle wimp, we unfortunately need to involve people, unless he steps up and learns to do the shots. Things to think about...

As to whether or not I'll do another cycle (those were the last of our frozen embies)-I don't know. Sean says that I don't need to make that deccision right now, but I know that Dr. Vest will want to do a lap first to deal with my tubes, and I don't know if I want that, especially since school will be starting soon, and I can't financially afford to be on medical leave for a few weeks. I had such a hard time with that first cycle, too. Maybe next time would be different, who knows.

Today, we're going into the city to Shelli's place-Sean's going to be making some built-in bookshelves for their living room-and Cat's coming over. Sean told me yesterday, that we should still go, that he thought that spending our day with people going through similar journeys will be good for us, and he's right. I can't imagine two other wonderful people to share my Saturday with.

I'm feeling okay, right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad, grieving, angry, in pain. But, for now, I'm just going on being okay. That's good enough for me.


dawn said...

Stef I can't say that I know what you are going through in terms of losing a pregnancy, but I do understand the struggle of not knowing if you want to continue with treatment. Just know that we are all here for you if you need us.

Glad you are spending time with Cat and Shelli today, try to enjoy the day in the city.

Dawn (FF)

k #2 said...

I am SO very sorry for your loss. Please know there is an online sisterhood mourning with you and hoping for a future where decisions (and life for that matter) seems easier.

Shelli said...

Stef - it IS a miscarraige - and you should chnage your siggy on FF - it's MORE than a checmical pregnancy, whatever the fuck that means. The HCG went up, the embryo tried its best to hang on. that's more than chemistry.

Have some wine, and then have some more, and we'll see you early in the morning tomorrow.

love you hon, and sending a tear-filled hug your way.

Suz said...

I'm so sorry. It is a loss and must be mourned as such. I'm thinking of you.

cat said...

Agreed it is a miscarriage and I felt exactly the same way with the 2nd loss they kept saying C.P. and I got more and more angry and upset. Everytime a doctor tried to downplay the rage would come out. I hate the term and always will.

We will always be here for you honey. You and Shelli are one of the really good things that has come out of all this trauma. For that I am always grateful.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I'm out of volunteering around 10:45 so I'll head up then stick around I come bearing CHOCOLATE!


AmyMrsR said...

I'm a friend of Shelli's from FF. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry and you have so many people here to support you. Lots of hugs and back rubs to you.

R said...

Hi Stef,

I have gone through the pain of a miscarriage at 16 weeks. I am here if you ever need to talk. I am so, so sorry.