Breaking Point

Okay, I'm really starting to freak myself out today.

Tomorrow's the big day. Test day. The day I find out whether or not I'm pregnant, or still infertile.

I'm so scared that it's negative. I'm even more afraid that it's positive, but too low to carry a pregnancy, and that I'll miscarry.

Hell, I'm just afraid, let's face it.

I do have to say, I've been really REALLY good-I haven't peed on anything evil or stick-like yet. I did buy tests, though-one box of ClearBlue Easy (the one that has the plus or minus) and the ClearBlue Easy Digital one (that says the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" when it's done). I have decided that I'm going to do both tests tomorrow when I wake up, before I go in for the blood test. I need to mentally prepare myself somehow, so that if it IS negative, it won't be so shocking when Nursey P calls and says it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's more real to me when you actually hear someone telling you test results, as opposed to seeing it on a (really evil) stick.

Tomorrow morning, I go for the beta at my local Quest Diagnostics lab. I think that I'll go to the newer one that I went to for my monitoring in June and the labwork for this FET cycle. I was going to go to the one in Westfield (conveniently located down the street from Panera and Trader Joe's), but I've come to associate that lab with the negative beta from IVF #1-and yes, I know that sounds really wacko to say that. Then, my friend Tina has the day off from work, and her son will be with his grandma, so we're going to have lunch tomorrow afternoon and walk around Westfield, looking in shop windows and wishing we can afford to buy stuff. It's certainly better than sitting home, staring obsessively at the phone and sending "positive beta" vibes at it, right?

It's 13dp5(6)dt-also known as "shit or get off the pot" day. By this time tomorrow I'll know (as, of course, will you-I wouldn't keep you out of the loop!), one way or the other.

The waiting is really starting to get to me.