Thursday, August 18, 2005

More Waiting

Beta #3 was today. I went in bright and early for the blood draw at the local Quest Lab. I've got to tell you, I have yet to go to a shitty Quest Lab. They are so nice and professional there. Plus, the one I go to (literally 7 minutes from my house) is never busy, and it's brand new-yay!

I just want to have this over with. I want these numbers to be really good, especially the progesterone. Then perhaps I can get the fuck off some of the twat rockets. I've been spotting (brown, and somewhat heavy at times) for two days now and it's starting to freak me out. I know that Nursey P said that it's normal, that it's probably the progesterone that's irritating my vagina and cervix, but it doesn't ease the panic I feel every time I go to the bathroom and I see it on the toilet paper. The only consolation is that it really only seems to happen after I put the twat rocket in, but it doesn't make things easier.

Then, after the results of the beta, I will have more waiting-for the first ultrasound. What if there's nothing there? And, if there is something there, what if there isn't the next time?

You see, the worrying doesn't stop.

I'm wondering, as an woman who is only able to conceive through advanced means, if this is normal thinking. The average, normal woman (ie. one who has no fertility problems and is able to have children on their own) seems, to me, blissfully ignorant to beta numbers, progesterone levels, that there's a decent chance that nothing shows on the ultrasounds. They assume that once they see the positive home pregnancy test, everything will be okay. Is it because we infertile women (and I'm using the term generally to include not only people TTC, but also women who miscarry and experience late-term loss, because it is an impairment to fertility, IMHO) are forced to be more educated about our bodies and what doctors are doing to them in order for them to satisfy the urge to procreate? Or, that we're aware, through our growing network, both online and face to face support groups, of what can go wrong? Or.....could it be the doctors and nurses themselves? They are almost always overly cautious, not wanting to give you too much hope, just in case.

I wish that I could be blissfully ignorant, to have that excitement that most first-time pregnant women feel. They say that knowledge is power, but I wonder, sometimes, if it's power that's meant to liberate you from fear, or imprison you within it.

Any thoughts? Let's discuss.

1 comment:

cat said...

Good question... perhaps in our cases knowledge is a double edged sword. It is powerful in the sense that it can alert us to issues, help us ask the right questions etc. It is enslaving in the sense that sometimes too much information is really way too much.

For this very reason I do not use doctor google a lot it always scares the crap out of me. I try to find a balance between knowing and unknowing.

The things I can't control go into the zen place or rather the place of denial. Not sure if it works but... sometimes it reduces the freakout.

We can't have back that bliss of unknowing but we can stem the tide a bit by choosing what we need to know and what won't help a damn bit if we do know.

Hoping that beta comes back fine and all the numbers are where you want them to be. There will be a candle on the altar for you and bean tonight.