Sunday, August 28, 2005

Card-Carrying Member

I am officially a card carrying member of the RhoGAM club, and I have the big hurking bruise on my ass to prove it (it's near the old yellowish ones that haven't quite gone away just yet)....not that I really wanted to be for the reason that I had to have it, though.

The weekend was a mixed one, emotionally. I had rehearsal on Saturday for 5 hours, in which we started late (a good portion of the cast was late) and didn't get as much done as we should have (due to the cast talking incessantly whenever the director had to stop to fix things). A lot of this has to do with the age of the cast-most of them are high-school age, surprisingly enough. And, because they are at teenagers, they're loud and talkative and like to screw around during down times. Unfortunately, those "down times" are usually when we principals are doing our scenes or numbers, so it's frustrating. The director had to stop and give them the riot act about being on time, keeping quiet and not wasting anyone's time. Yee-haw! I still think that this will be one of the best productions that I've been, thus far. Even with me dressed totally in white (I look like Little Bo Peep, but fuck it--I'm Mabel!)....

Today, however, was one of those days when I feel like I'm teetering on the fine line between being in control and going over the edge. Sometimes I feel okay, like I can deal with and get through this, and come out on top. Other times I just want to just give up, to say that I can't do this anymore, for my own sanity. I try so hard to be positive, but it's hard. And, I am afraid that it's starting to affect everything in my life, especially in my relationship with Sean.

We seem to have little patience with each other lately. He has this character trait (inherited, I've come to observe, from his father) to feel the need to correct my behavior if he deems it to be unacceptable, which I HATE. I'm an adult, don't take it upon yourself to tell me how to behave. Even if I'm acting like an insane asshole.

It's funny-out of all the people that I should be talking to about this latest disappointment, it should be him, right? But, I can't. I get the feeling like he doesn't want to talk about it, like he wants to put it behind it him (probably a typical guy thing) and that's the way he deals with things-internally. Most of my friends don't understand my feelings-they're lucky that they've never had to deal with this. Plus, most of them don't have children yet, nor are they planning to right now. With the exception of my blog/FF friends, I feel isolated, like I'm a freak.

Today we went couch shopping (we've decided to re-do the living room) and all I was thinking was that we should be shopping for baby furniture, not a new couch, and it was like a stab in the heart. I'm going back and forth about this next IVF attempt-on one hand, I want to try, it's a chance. But, on the other hand, I'm like why bother, it won't work, anyway?

You see, I'm cracking up.


Julie said...

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can discuss this with him; my own doesn't care to talk anymore either, just push it down. We're here for you to unload when you need to, and we understand.
Good luck with the production, it sounds like a wonderful diversion! I'm sure it will be great.
Did you find a couch? What's the color scheme? I love redecorating! But I'm broke! boo!

Heather said...

I'm also sorry DH is difficult to discuss this with. Mine is as well, so I think this is normal for men. I toy with the thought of going back to the RE now that TCM seems to have fixed my cycle issues. I want to stay on my herbs though, so I'm not sure if I'll go back to him. Can't discuss this with DH. I think he'll think I'm nuts.

The production sounds great. Can't wait to hear more.

Shelli said...

It could work...

it just might.

I'll hang onto that hope for you, if you can't right now, and just let me know when you want to borrow it, and I'll send it fed-ex with hugs and kisses.

I stopped talking to my friends aobut this, too - it seems they just want to know when they can go shopping for the baby, so the journey to get there seems not so intersting to them, and they;re tired of hearing aobut my uterus, so I just stopped.

I talk about it with Narda, my therapist, nad you guys.

it's not ideal, but it is what it is, and it helps.

mushy love to you sweetheart,

cat said...

Welcome to the RhoGam club. That bruise is a sucky one. Have hubby massage it for you it helps some.

It is normal for men to react this way. That doesn't help though. I had to drag it out of hubby literally. I started with his feelings, then mine. It's still hard. If you can get him to talk about his emotions first maybe he can see that he needs to talk about this as much as you do. We should get our boys together... hmmm... although then they might just grunt and grunt more. ;)

This loss of hope honey it's also totally normal. If you need to crack up for a day for a week... for awhile... do it. You certainly are entitled. We don't have to be strong every minute. Even if we want to be. Call me! I love to bitch about this stuff. Ok well... love is pretty strong but any opportunity to bitch hehe.

Karen said...

I completely understand the loss of hope, it's perfectly natural after such a heavy disappointment.

I just bought a new couch too - or as my husband likes to call it, the consolation prize. It seems as though every time we hit a reproductive failure, we buy a piece of furniture to cheer ourselves up. It does work somewhat, though as you say, it can be bittersweet.

betty said...

I don't talk to my friends or DH about my fears as much anymore. I think people reach a suturation point of other people's problems. DH feels like he doesnt have the answers which in turn makes him feel bad. That's the thing with men, they like to fix things rather than talk about them.Infertility takes a while to "fix" so it leaves them feeling a bit hopeless I guess. Thats why blogworld is so great because it's full of infertile women who need to TALK TALK and TALK some more. So you go right ahead we are listening.