Card-Carrying Member

I am officially a card carrying member of the RhoGAM club, and I have the big hurking bruise on my ass to prove it (it's near the old yellowish ones that haven't quite gone away just yet)....not that I really wanted to be for the reason that I had to have it, though.

The weekend was a mixed one, emotionally. I had rehearsal on Saturday for 5 hours, in which we started late (a good portion of the cast was late) and didn't get as much done as we should have (due to the cast talking incessantly whenever the director had to stop to fix things). A lot of this has to do with the age of the cast-most of them are high-school age, surprisingly enough. And, because they are at teenagers, they're loud and talkative and like to screw around during down times. Unfortunately, those "down times" are usually when we principals are doing our scenes or numbers, so it's frustrating. The director had to stop and give them the riot act about being on time, keeping quiet and not wasting anyone's time. Yee-haw! I still think that this will be one of the best productions that I've been, thus far. Even with me dressed totally in white (I look like Little Bo Peep, but fuck it--I'm Mabel!)....

Today, however, was one of those days when I feel like I'm teetering on the fine line between being in control and going over the edge. Sometimes I feel okay, like I can deal with and get through this, and come out on top. Other times I just want to just give up, to say that I can't do this anymore, for my own sanity. I try so hard to be positive, but it's hard. And, I am afraid that it's starting to affect everything in my life, especially in my relationship with Sean.

We seem to have little patience with each other lately. He has this character trait (inherited, I've come to observe, from his father) to feel the need to correct my behavior if he deems it to be unacceptable, which I HATE. I'm an adult, don't take it upon yourself to tell me how to behave. Even if I'm acting like an insane asshole.

It's funny-out of all the people that I should be talking to about this latest disappointment, it should be him, right? But, I can't. I get the feeling like he doesn't want to talk about it, like he wants to put it behind it him (probably a typical guy thing) and that's the way he deals with things-internally. Most of my friends don't understand my feelings-they're lucky that they've never had to deal with this. Plus, most of them don't have children yet, nor are they planning to right now. With the exception of my blog/FF friends, I feel isolated, like I'm a freak.

Today we went couch shopping (we've decided to re-do the living room) and all I was thinking was that we should be shopping for baby furniture, not a new couch, and it was like a stab in the heart. I'm going back and forth about this next IVF attempt-on one hand, I want to try, it's a chance. But, on the other hand, I'm like why bother, it won't work, anyway?

You see, I'm cracking up.