Thursday, June 23, 2005

A Bittersweet Ending

And, so, the summer vacation has officially begun.

Just got home. I got my last paycheck (at least, until my summer paychecks kick in-one in July, and one in August) cleaned up my desk and put everything away, had our last faculty meeting, hung around chatting with everyone, and left.

It was a bittersweet ending though.

I was passing the nurses office, and she had extra "puberty" packets of the stuff she usually gives out to the 4th and 5th graders-if you're a teacher (or can remember as a student) you know what I mean. They have a travel-size deodorant, sanitary pads, a booklet about what to expect, that sort of thing. So, the nurse gives me a coupon/sample of the pads, and another packet, and one of the teachers says jokingly (not loudly, only for me to hear) that I don't need those. Well, I must have gotten a confused look on my face, so she gestured out into the hallway and the following awkward conversation ensued:

"You don't need those anymore, right?"

"Sure I do, why?"

"Well, because you' know. I can tell by the way you're walking, and from your boobs and stomach."

", I'm not"

"Are you sure? Because you might be."

"No, trust me, I'm not"

"How do you know?"

"Uh........because I can't have kids on my own, that's why. I did IVF and it failed-that's the only way that I'll ever have my own children."

Now, I hate saying that (like it's a dirty little secret), partly because I hate to admit it, and partly because she didn't mean anything ill by it, and I don't want to embarass anyone or make them feel badly (why I think like that is beyond me-ideally I shouldn't feel badly, since they're the ones being nosy, but that's just the way I am). But, an interesting conversation unfolded after that point.

It turns out that she has four children, the youngest of which she adopted in February, and had a hard time conceiving with each one. She has problems similar to mine (tubal) and knows people that went through IVF. I told her about getting OHSS and the failure of the cycle, and she asked me if we were going to do it again, so I told her about the FET scheduled next month and possible surgery down the road if it failed.

Then she said something interesting. She said that sometimes, during this whole process, you have to make the choice to "give it over" to God and trust that the outcome will be positive. She said to me "I hear you sometimes with your classes, and I know that you have God in your life, so I know that you understand my meaning."

It took everything I had not to lose it right there. Luckily I made it home without freaking out.

But, it brings up things that I've been thinking of for awhile now: the concept of having faith. Faith in God (or a higher power or whatever you believe in). Giving up your pain and fear of the unknown and trusting that it will be resolved, one way or another.

Sometimes I feel that I've lost that faith. That I can't trust anyone-not the doctors, not God, not even my own body-to give me any outcome. I feel like God doesn't listen to me anymore. I've begged, pleaded, prayed, and nothing, nada, zilch.

I truly believe that anything that happens in your life is for a reason-perhaps that reason isn't clear when the situation occurs, but down the road you see the meaning. Even this conversation today was for a reason, if only for me to face these demons that have been whispering in my ear these past few months. What was the reason for me to go through this infertility hell in the first place? What did I ever do to deserve it? I try to be a good person-I'm not mean-spirited, a murderer, drug addict, or abuser. Why did God put this burden on my shoulders? Why does he want me to be in so much pain? Why does he constantly reveal more pregnant friends to me, to make me more miserable?

And, the most important two questions-why isn't it me? And, will it ever be me?

These are the thoughts that fill my brain more and more. And, I'm tired of them in there, pushing everything else out of the way. Perhaps that was the reason for today's encounter-to make me let go and have someone else (aka God) take charge of the outcome. But, I'm getting more and more afraid that He won't do a thing about it.

That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not feeling strong at all lately-quite the opposite. I just want to crawl under the covers, pull them over my head and give up altogether. I mean, what's the point of taking temperatures, peeing on a stick every morning, getting up at the crack of dawn and driving for bloodwork and ultrasounds when there's no guarantee? Knowing that, aside from damaged Fallopian tubes, I'm perfectly normal and should have a litter by now? That the most intelligent and trained specialists might not be able to do a damn thing for you?Seeing that positive on the Fertility Monitor and knowing that even if Sean and I fuck every day like rabbits, I still won't get pregnant? That I've had my heart broken and I've cried every month for the last three years when I get my period? Why would a God, who loves us and is supposedly merciful, let human beings go through this?

I don't have faith in anything right now-there, I've said it. I feel empty, used and cheated. And I feel guilty as hell for saying that, but it needs to be said.

Three days until we leave for vacation. I can't think of a year when I needed to escape more than this one. I need to turn my brain off and forget all this for awhile.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Just like Shitting out a Watermelon

The weekend went pretty quickly, in my opinion.

Saturday we went out with our friends K and T to get some yummy Mexican, and then to see the new Batman. Sean and K had to tear it up afterwards, to point out the discrepancies, but I liked it overall. I think my new hottie man (sorry Orlando and Hugh) that I need to obsessive over has to be Christian Bale-holy shit, he's ripped and SEXY! Mmmmm........I could go for some of that.......

Where was I?

Oh, yeah......on Sunday we went in to the Met with G&A for a lecture series on Newport furniture makers of the 18th century-particularly Townsend and Goddard. I'm not a huge fan of antiques, so I zoned out after they started talking about dovetailing wood joints, but the boys enjoyed it. I decided to bag the last lecture and went wandering around the museum. I love the Met-it's such a great place. I actually went to see the Chanel exhibit and then wandered through the Egyptian and Greco-Roman sections by myself. We met up afterwards and went and got some eats and hung out.

I got a message from one of my friends whos wife just had their first baby-I think that I mentioned it, he's the one who was really super-sensitive about letting us know that they were having a baby-and she ended up having a c-section because their son (and I totally knew that they were having a boy, btw! I just knew it!!) was 9 lbs 2 oz! Holy Mother of God, it's like shitting out a watermelon! His wife told me that she actually gave birth to a two month old (hee hee!). Seriously, I am really happy for them-they're both very nice, caring people.

I also start the monitoring for my "mock cycle" this week. I've been POAS'ing (Peeing On a Stick) since for about five days now and putting it into the little computer monitor that I have-so far, I've been on "high" for about two days now. I go tomorrow for LH bloodwork, then on Wednesday more bloodwork and a cooter-cam (woot!), Thursday is just bloodwork and Friday is another bloodwork/cooter-cam combo (do you want fries with that, ma'am?). Hopefully I'll ovulate right on time-getting up early all week to be at the lab at 7am kinda sucks (especially if The Punisher is there-I'll end up looking like a junkie by Friday), considering that Friday's my first official day of summer break-so no sleeping in for me. I think that I'll go down the Shore afterwards on Friday for some sun and fun, especially at Martell's Tiki Bar (heh)......

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sorta Crappy News

Well, I found out today that the board of education is changing our health insurance company, effective July 1st, from Oxford to Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

Which, in itself, is not a total loss-more providers take BCBS than Oxford (and I've got the tenured/PPO plan, which a lot of docs take) here in NJ. Here's the problem, however-My FET is scheduled for sometime in July, and I'm going to be doing the monitoring this month. I'm afraid that there will be a lot of hassle with this, as to who pays what, what claims get sent to the wrong insurance, and I'll get the screwing of my life.....and it won't be done by someone hot, like Orlando Bloom-with my luck it will be done by some guy that looks like Jack Black. Luckily, since I've been insured as long as I've been with the district, I won't fall under a pre-existing condition, and my RE takes the new plan, but I need to talk to someone to see what's going on after July 1st.

ARRGH! Why does there have to always be a wrench thrown into something when it comes to my infertility?? Why can't it be easy, instead of filled with drama and constant insecurity?

Monday, June 13, 2005


School is finally winding down. Of course, I totally procrastinated and waited until the last minute to finish everything I needed to hand in. I hate doing that, but I also hate doing paperwork. Now it's just dealing with graduation ceremonies and trying to keep myself from killing the kids between now and next Wednesday. It's so fucking hot, it's unreal. It's funny, if I worked for a multi-million corporate conglomerate and in the conditions I'm currently in, I could sue and never have to work again. But, it's perfectly acceptable, in some dumb burecratic asshole's mind, to have teachers (and children) spend six and a half hours a day in a building that has no air-conditioning during 90+ degree heat. Unreal.

It's so hot outside. It's too hot to do any kind of work, too hot to eat. I like a sweaty, stinky, swampy mess. I'm obsessively doing the "pit check" on a regular basis to make sure that I don't reek. Yuck.

Aunt Flo has finally stopped using my uterus as a pinata and has become much more civilized. I've forgotten that she could be so mean. But, at least she won't have to come with us to Bermuda. Packing tampons and pads when you go on vacation really sucks. Although, last year they came in handy when I did a little visual demonstration for G&A about how tampons work. Holy shit, you should have seen their faces-it was hysterical.

Nothing else going on here. The weekend was busy. I had to cantor the early Masses (Sat night and early Sunday morning), so that took up a chunk of my time. We went to a barbeque and I got all sweaty and felt gross. I guess that's about it........

Oh, yeah, we finally got our HUD PMI refund for our first mortgage, so it looks like I'm getting my laptop!! Any recommendations on good brands to buy? I'm kind of leaning towards a Dell-it's easier to deal with because of school, since they just switched all their Mac's to PC. I don't want to spend a huge amount of cash, but I definitely want wireless hookup, so I can blog wherever the fuck I want. Any suggestions?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Red Tide

My lovely friend Aunt Flo (AF) has finally decided to pay me a visit.

I guess the spotting I had when I took the Provera was the real thing-she just decided to just stay overnight that time.

Not this time. Holy shit, she's kicking my uterus into oblivion right now. What the hell did I ever do to her? I actually wanted her to show up this time.

Oh, yeah, I decided to pump my body full of hormones, and have my body prepare for a baby that never happened. I made her do all that work for nothing. I guess I'd be pissed off too, if I were her.

I called Nursey P yesterday and left a voicemail that the old hag was here, and she called me with my protocol for this "mock cycle". I think that I'm the first person in my RE's office to do a natural-cycle (unmedicated) FET, because Nursey P said that she had to ask the RE about the protocol, as she wasn't familiar with what to do. So, starting this week, I get to pee on a stick and use the Fertility Monitor (actually, she said cycle day 12, but the monitor makes you start at cycle day 6), then I start bloodwork and ultrasounds with my buddy Mr. Techhie. I have four days in a row of bloodwork (ouch) and two ultrasounds (every other day), then I'm supposed to go for a progesterone check seven days after my surge. Unfortunately, I think that will be when I'm in Bermuda, so I guess we'll play it by ear.

The only thing that will suck is the bloodwork four days in a row. It's the last week of school, and I have to play two graduation ceremonies in hot gymnasiums. Having parents stare at what I'm sure will be the huge bruises on my arms, which will be visible due to the fact that it's 300 degrees in school right now and I'm not about to wear a long-sleeved shirt, will not be the best way to spend the last week of school. Oh, well, as long as they're gone by the time I leave for vacation.

Game on!

Monday, June 06, 2005


Ugh, I guess summer is here, with a vengance! Thankfully, my classroom is in the basement of our building, so it was nice and cool for the day, but I felt sorry for some of the other teachers-it was like a sweatshop in there today. And, it's supposed to be hot like this for the rest of the week. I just keep telling myself that there's only 12 more days.....

The wedding on Saturday was very nice. They looked really happy, and we had a great time, the food was good, and the booze a-flowing. I found this great dress on clearance in the mall, and then on Saturday during the cocktail hour promptly spilled chicken korma all over myself (not my fault, it slipped off the plate while I was trying to get the fork into it). Fuckers. Luckily the dress was a pale green and a lot of it came out, but it still needs to go to the dry cleaners, since I'm taking it on the cruise. Still no luck on the bathing suit, though. I think that will be Thursday's project.

I am totally procrastinating right now-I have a lot of things that I need to get done for school, reports, finishing up my planbook and grades, instrument inventories-and I have no desire to do a damn thing. I need to get on the ball, because I don't feel like stressing at the last minute, but I'm lazy as hell today.

Oh, yeah, no period yet, but I'm figuring (if that heavy spotting on May 11th and 12th was AF) that I should get it by Wednesday at the earliest. I'm getting crampy on occasion and that "swampy" feeling that you get right before, so if nothing by Friday I'll call Nursey P to see what the deal is.

And, yes, I'm procrastinating about that, too. I just don't want to be put on more meds, and have to go for a dildocam or anything, and I'm afraid that they'll tell me to come in (no, they will tell me to come in, I'm sure) and then it makes my work schedule all screwy, especially now since my principal is gone for the rest of the year and the VP (a man) is Acting Principal. It's too much of a pain in the ass to have to try to work around.

I need to get up off my lazy ass and get on the ball. Pronto.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Friday Night Rantings

Well, the party went off without a hitch.......if you don't count my mother-in-law acting like a menopausal mess about her "baby" turning 30---give me a fucking break. She made him a photo collage for his birthday, and there's only one picture of me in it-and it happens to be the group shot of one of my wedding pictures. She just sucks. I think I'm gonna get her some Premarin for her birthday next week. Just to show her how much I care.

Oh, yeah, and the Dementor made "favors" for it too-little candies and such in one of those cloth bags. Nice, huh? Too bad she didn't offer to fork over any $$ for the party......urgh. Yes, I'm still bitter about her damn laptop. Hopefully I'll get mine soon and I'll be over it already....

But, 'Lil Man was surprised and happy, which was the point. He even came up to me later and thanked me for all the work that I did-his mother actually told him that I did it-wasn't that nice of her? I met my father-in-law's new girlfriend, who is really cool. And, nobody brought up my failed IVF cycle, which was a relief. Of course, I made sure that I had knocked back a few drinks early on, so that I could be aptly prepared for the airing of my period undies, which didn't happen. So, everyone was happy.

Oh, wow-- I'm in a really bitchy and cynical mood tonight. I think that that old crusty whore AF is finally on its way(no Cat, that bitch didn't listen to you, so I'll have to kick some ass when she shows up)-I'm getting weird twinges and mood swings the past few days, plus a zit or two. So, I'm sorry to all of you that read this- I haven't been too bloggy lately, and when I do come back I'm a raving lunatic. Not good.

Anywho, what else is going on? We're going to a wedding tomorrow-actually, we're singing the wedding Mass, then going to the reception, which is out by my parent's house (a 45 min drive from the church), so Sean and I are taking G&A out to the 'rents to hang for awhile, then we'll mosey on to the place. I got a faboo dress that I'll wear for the cruise too-it's a pale green, silk and strapless, and really vintage looking. And, the best thing was that it was like 40% off. Of course, I had to get a new hooter-holder (aka the Victoria Secret bustier) because the one I have is black, and you'd see right through the dress-not very classy. I got a nice flesh-colored one that is the perfect balance of "suck it all in" without sucking all the breath out of my lungs. It should, for $80, right?

I had my last concert on Wednesday, which was a HUGE success-the kids were incredible. My supervisor told me that he was really impressed with their sound and the blend. It's too bad that they didn't record it. Actually, on second thought, I fucked up a lot of the piano playing, so maybe it's best that nobody saved it for posterity....but, there's only 13 more days of school left-WOOT!! Then we leave for our Bermuda cruise on the 26th with G&A-holy shit I cannot WAIT........I plan on not being sober very often on that trip.

I need to go shopping for some duds for the cruise-a new bathing suit being one of them. I hate shopping for those-it makes me feel like I'm this huge blob of quivering flesh. I certainly can't wear the cute bikinis anymore, not with my belly, thighs and ass. So, I've graduated to the "tankini", which I call the "thirtysomething bikini". Perhaps it's just my skewed perception of my own body, but my thighs look horrific. Of course, those fucking mirrors in the dressing rooms don't help-I'm convinced that they're like those fun-house mirrors that make everyone look like an oompah-loompah, regardless of their height and size. Plus, I have to get D-cup bathing suits and they have to have underwire, or else you can't tell where my tits end and my waist begins. I've always had big boobs-even when I was a size 2 I had D-cups, which makes it really hard to buy clothing-everything has to be a size bigger because of my tits. And that means the specialty shops, because stores like Target don't sell those kinds of suits. Urgh. So, yes, bathing suit shopping ranks on that list of "things I'd rather not have to do", somewhere in between "gyno/RE appointments", "colonic cleansing" "holidays with my in-laws" and "eating feces". You get the point.

Speaking of my reproductive organs, not much going on there. Just waiting for that old bitch to rear her head, but I really think it will be soon-within the next week or so. Then it's time to do my mock cycle, which hopefully will be okay, then time to thaw out two of those totsicles and do the frozen transfer in July. The only snag is that my district has decided to change insurance plans, effective July 1st. It's a better plan (BC/BS), which is good (in fact, the original RE that my gyno recommended takes it, as well as my current RE), but I need to find out if they consider infertility a "pre-existing condition"-if they do, then they can exclude coverage for IF for up to six months. It figures, doesn't it? I sometimes wonder if God isn't trying to tell me that I'm not meant to do this. Maybe I should be content with what I have right now.

Just a thought....