Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Worse Case Scenario

BFN.  No embryos made it to freeze.

I think that it's safe to say that my journey is, unwillingly, over.

11dp3dt-The Day Of Reckoning

Tested again this morning-still BFN. For the first time in all these years of IF treatment, I actually seriously thought about not going in for the beta draw-I mean, why make it worse? But, since I'm a medical follow-the-rules girl, I did it anyway, as well as take my morning Estrace dose.
I can't stop crying. Three mornings in a row now. Fucking stupid hormones. Fucking stupid HPT's.
Still have yet to hear in regards to the state of the 11 embryos that were being watched. Hopefully no news is good news, but I'm sure I'll find that out today too.
Worse case scenario-BFN beta and no embryos left. Since I have no job with insurance benefits that would cover a DE cycle, no money to self-pay and Sean's benefits are exhausted, that means we're done.
"So-So" scenario-BFN beta but we have frozen embryos to do a FET.
Best case scenario-well....you can figure that one out.
I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for at least so-so.
I really think that "best case" isn't an option.
Why me?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, June 11, 2012

10dp3dt-Snow White and the F'd Up HPT

Okay, we're at the "shit or get off the pot" point of the 2WW.  Am I, or aren't I pregnant?

Boobs started getting sore yesterday, and I was SUPER crampy for about a half hour.  I've basically been lightly crampy and achy and having a full, swollen feeling in the ute area since the transfer, but the cramps yesterday were the strongest so far.  It's almost like I can FEEL my uterus from the inside, but how the hell can that be?  And the cramps are low down toward the pubic bone and are shooting into the leg.  Huh?

Um......let's see what else?  Oh, YEAH.....this is a completely weird and slightly gross thing that's never happened before in ANY cycle I've done, but....well.....how do I put it....

My pee smells funny.  Like after you eat asparagus.  But I haven't eaten asparagus in WEEKS.  WTF?

So I'm still testing, and it still looks BFN.  But, then again, I used up the FRER's right away and am using these generic EPT ones, which I think might be a bad idea since they aren't usually as sensitive as the FRER.  So, OF COURSE I'm going to waste more $$ today and cave for the FRER, because I'm a glutton for punishment and need to torture myself before tomorrow's beta.

And also, because I still have a glimmer of hope that it's a late implanter and I'm actually the "P" word.  You'd think, after a gazillion transfers (I think that I'm on to lucky number 10 by now), that I'd be hardened to this, but no.....the anxiety and hope and fear are all still very much there, jockeying for position as Emotion Number One on my list.

I'm rooting for number two on that list.  'Cause that's the only one that really matters.


On the bird front-the babies "fledged", or left the nest on Saturday for good. The babies started flying on Thursday or Friday. We were a little sad and of course Captain Anxiety took hold and told me that it was a sign that the cycle was a bust.

But then, this morning, the adults were back.  Or maybe it's a new pair-they all look the same to me.

Building ANOTHER nest in the neighboring flower box.  What in the hell does THAT mean, that this is a sign that the cycle worked, or we're the most popular Dove Luxury Hotel?  AAAAAHHH!

Friday, June 08, 2012

7dp3dt-Let the Obsessing Begin!

Well, it's 7dp3dt (or 10 dpo, whatever phrase tickles your fancy).  Let's check off the symptoms I have so far that may or may not be termed as "pregnancy signs", shall we?

*tired-must nap daily or else I am a Screaming She-Bitch.
*slight dizziness.
*queasiness-think of how your stomach feels when you're a little hung over, like it's constantly turning over.
*weird taste in the back of my mouth/throat-I wouldn't call it metallic, per se, but odd.
*hunger-like I'm about to eat my arm off if I don't consume something every 3-4 hours.
*odd feeling in sternum-maybe slight heartburn, but it feels like that burny sensation you might get in your gut if you haven't eaten, which, trust me.....is far from the case in this situation (see the last symptom).
*crampy off and on- it always feels like my bladder is either slightly full or is pressing on my ute, but it's basically felt like that since the transfer.
*frequent urination, or feeling like I have to go. I'd make a WONDERFUL spokesperson for Depends-move over, Lisa Rinna, you've got competition!
*bloated-my usual MO, but not "can't zip my pants OMGIAMAFATCOW" bloated.
*veiny boobs (or what Sean calls "angry boobs")-not sensitive, but definitely "fuller" feeling.
*wicked headache- only one so far, but pressure in my head/sore neck muscles....could be the usual allergies, or it could be that I'm being a lazy bitch and am lying on the couch watching "The Chew" too much.

*emotional/anxious/hormonal-I teared up at a promo commercial of "Extreme Makeover:  Weight Loss Edition" yesterday, which might gauge the extent of the madness.
*extreme sense of smell-I usually have this anyway without IVF (I can smell bad food in the fridge from the living room couch), but Sean ate my leftover risotto last night and it turned my stomach.  I also could tell when he took the trash out last night by the sudden smell coming from the kitchen.

Signs of pregnancy, or progesterone working it's "magic" on me?  Who knows.  All I know is that I've been here waaaaay too many times before to start freaking out as to what's going on in there.

BTW......I HATE PIO.  Hate hate hate would rather have all my teeth pulled out without anesthesia hate.  I have a nice lump the size of a walnut on my left ass-cheek, courtesy of PIO (yaaaay!), which itches and is also bruised as well.  It makes injecting on that side oh-so-dreamy.  I've been trying to walk, apply heat, topical cortisone, but nothing seems to work. 

Now, I'm SURE you're wondering if I've started using the Evil Pee Sticks of DOOOOOOM yet, and I will be honest-yes.  I've tested yesterday and today and nothing yet (unless you count the evap line that I think I see).  Yes, I know it's technically too early, and yes, I also know that I'm starting the slow obsessive descent into madness that this stage of the 2WW brings, but fuck it-I will fully admit that I'm addicted.  Only one a day, though, because those HPT's are EXPENSIVE!  See, there IS an upside to being unemployed!

Seriously, though...I'm tired and ready to figure out what's going on.  This is the part of the wait that is the longest and the part of the whole process that sucks the most. 

Four more days, and we'll know-one way, or the other.

Sunday, June 03, 2012


Friday was transfer day.  Although I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a phone call in the morning moving it up to a 5 day (because I like to be an over-achiever), it wasn't for a bad reason.

Out of the 16 originally fertilized, 13 were still hanging out by day 3.  They transferred the two best of the bunch (I'm assuming)-a 12 cell and an 8 cell.  The remaining ones are going to be watched until I suppose today or tomorrow, and they'll cryo the ones they think make the cut.

A lot like "American Idol", right?  Or maybe "America's Next Top Model", minus the catfights and eating nothing but lettuce leaves and having to "smize" constantly.

Oh, yeah.....transfer!

So, I was the first transfer of the afternoon (they do retrievals in the mornings/transfers in the afternoons), which was a first for me.  I go in, change, get in the pre-op recliner, get my vitals taken and am sitting there with Sean when I hear my name being called by a little Filipino woman.  She's a nurse there (been there for 5 years), has been post-op at all my transfers and previously worked at the clinic where I had my first IVF cycle with Dr. Vest (where he basically almost killed me, but pffft....whatever), so we know each other pretty well at this point, since I have the IVF Frequent Flyer Card that entitles me to an all-access pass to nursing and scientific staff.  Anyway, she comes up to me and gives me a big hug, saying that she saw my name on the patient list for the day and she was so happy to see me.  I asked her if she was working post-procedure again, and she informed me that she would be the nurse in the procedure room with me.  So, of course I had to let her know that she was going to be my good luck charm-she's just so sweet and funny.  Luckily she didn't make me laugh too much or else I'd have wet myself, what with all the water I drank beforehand (did I mention about that over-achieving thing?)

I then spent the rest of the time waiting for the doctor by taking my little paper surgical cap and making it into different shapes and then trying to keep it on my head, saying that I was practicing for my chapeau for next year's Kentucky Derby.  Sean, of course, was not amused, although I was having a hell of a great time.  No anesthesia either, folks-see, you don't need drugs for a good time!

So, the doc came in, explained the goods and escorted me down the hall to the operating room where they do the retrievals/transfers, where I saw another old buddy of mine embryologist that I've had previous transfers with.  She went through the procedure with me, they prepped me, and off we went.

I've been a lazy shit ever since-I actually went grocery shopping today, but made Sean carry the heavy bags, even though I'm really not a weakling.  I'd really like to get back to the exercise routine by the end of the week-although the post-transfer instructions say not to do anything that will raise your body temp, my nurse said that it really was fine since my ovaries aren't stimulated-as long as I stay out of really strenuous stuff I should be okay.  Anyone out there have any feedback or experiences on exercising after a DE transfer/FET?

Tomorrow I get to go to do my two-day civic duty at the local courthouse and I'm really REALLY hoping I don't get chosen for a jury-can progeste-rage count as an excuse?  Hormonal psychosis?  Ugh....maybe if I just stare creepily at the lawyers and chew my hair they'll let me go home-no harm, no foul.  Here's for hoping they think I'm a wack-a-doo!

So, there we are-we've got two in there, and a decent chance of something happening.  Let's hope luck is finally on our side.