Wow, it's been a rough couple of days.

I ended up passing everything naturally, which is a plus. It sucked, I was in some pain, but it's over, for the most part.

The bad part-I had errands to run yesterday-went to the bank, had to go to the supermarket, and I had to go to Office Max to get some school supplies. And, ultimately, that's where it happened-at Office Max. I had been crampy for the whole day, and suddenly I had the urge to to go the bathroom, so off I went. Lucky for me, because when I went in to the toilet, there was this gush, and then.......well, you can figure the rest out for yourself. Since then, there's been light bleeding, but I felt much better after that.

I had my follow up this morning at Dr. Vest's office. Sean went with me, and actually took the rest of the day off too, which was a treat. They did an ultrasound and found my endometrial lining at 3mm, which was good. Mr. Techhie said that I'd probably have another day of bleeding or so, but that everything "was clean", which was important-I definitely didn't want a D&C on top of this whole mess. Then, I met with Dr. Vest, and we discussed everything about the cycle, and what our plans are next. He told us that getting pregnant was a "good thing", because it showed that I could get pregnant. He said that many pregnancies end up as early losses; many times, even before a woman really knows that she was pregnant to begin with. Unfortunately, in this age of scientific marvels, it's a case of too much information.

We discussed what's next in the reproductive agenda, and I was surprised to hear him say that we should, after resting for a month or so, start a new cycle of IVF. I had thought, due to the fact that my tubes are for shit, he would want to do a lap and remove the nasty fuckers, but he was looking through my charts and said "well, we did the hysteroscopy and I didn't remove the tubes, since one had slight spillage" and went on to say that if one had the potential to work he didn't want to get rid of it. I voiced my concern over the hyperstimulation problem with my last cycle, and the amount of medication I was on. He told me that I wasn't on the highest dose of stims (225IU daily), but, since my LH is high at day 3, it's obvious that I'm sensitive to the medication, and, at first, responded slower than they thought, he would change it to reduce the risk of what happened last time.

So, it looks like another round of IVF is in the cards for us, barring a miracle conception (yah, right) between now and then.

I have mixed feelings about this-yes, I want this to work, desperately, but my first go-around with IVF was so stressful, and having to work through this will be difficult (although, it will serve as a necessary distraction). Plus, I'm so afraid that I'll get OHSS again and end up in the hospital this time-I looked, and felt like hell, and it was horrific. Plus, what if it doesn't work again? I know, deep down, that no two IVF cycles are alike. But I'm just apprehensive about it. And, let's not go into the whole injectables thing right now. Dr. Vest told me that if I decide to do IVF again he will insist on the PIO shots for progesterone supplementation, as the other stuff I've been on is obviously not enough for me. One of the positives about this is, at least, I know what to expect now-the first time was fraught with anxiety over how I'll feel, if the injections would be painful, if the retrieval would be painful, if I would be awake for it or not, and, taking all the medications and how I'd react to them.

I do want to lose a bit of weight in this "rest period", though. That's the one thing that sucks ass about ART (Advanced Reproductive Technology) treatments and injectibles-they make you gain weight, and in weird ways. For me, it's in my belly and ass. Now, I haven't gone up in clothing size or anything like that, but it's like my weight has shifted to different places in my body. So, it's time to watch myself. Hopefully doing the show will help. Ten pounds off my body would be nice-hell, fifteen would be super-then, if I gain weight on the injectibles it won't be so bad.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot-what's a day in my life without a little drama, right?

Dr. Vest told me, because of my blood type (A-), I need to have the Rh immunoglobin injection called RhoGAM to prevent any future problems should I get pregnant again (the risk of Rh incompatibility rises with additional pregnancies). I actually have an appointment with my regular OB/GYN on Tuesday for my annual exam, but Dr. Vest said that you need the shot administered within 72 hours of a miscarriage or birth to prevent developing the antibodies in the bloodstream. Since they don't usually keep the medication in the office, he had Nursey P call my local pharmacy (yep, the Walgreens-from-Hell) to order the medication (it comes in a pre-filled syringe). I was sitting there when she called them, and specifically asked if it needed a pre-authorization, and was told no. She told me to pick it up, and to come into the office tomorrow and she'd give me the injection.

I went to rehearsal tonight, and, on the way home, stopped at the Walgreens-from-Hell to get my medication. Only to be told, instead of paying my usual $10 copay, I needed to cough up $124.00 for it. I asked the pharmacist what the deal was, and she, of course, had no answer for me. As I wasn't about to pay out the money (I'd never see it again, and plus, I have health and prescription insurance, for fuck's sake!) I left pissed off. I looked up the information on my prescription carrier's website, and it says that the medication is not covered under my prescription plan-can you believe it? Upon further research, it turns out that it is supposed to be covered under the major medical portion of my insurance, not prescription. So, I now have to call both Blue Cross and the prescription plans tomorrow to straighten it all out, before 10am, so I can get the medication, drive to the office and have her give me shot before 11:30am. Fun, right?

It just doesn't end, does it? Welcome to the world if infertility, folks. It's just one wild ride.

I Was Wrong....

It started.

Of course, it had to start right before I left for rehearsal tonight.

I feel like shit. In fact, I feel so shitty that I just took a Tylenol with codeine, just to get rid of the pain (and self-medicate too, if you know what I mean).

Fuck. FUCK.

I'll let the RE's office know tomorrow afternoon when they call.....guess there's no doubt, then.

This fucking SUCKS.

I hate my body-yet again it's betrayed me. And, there's nothing I can do about it.

Which sucks most of all, really.

Update

Just got the callback from Nursey P.

The doctor wants me to still go for the beta tomorrow morning, but also wants me to come in on Wednesday for an ultrasound and an exam (I'll be one of the first patients he sees on Wednesday). I asked her if what I'm experiencing is normal, or if there was a problem, and she said that the doctor didn't that it was unusual, but he wanted to make sure that there's nothing funky going on in the whoo-ha region, or, if there's a baby really in there.

I feel so much better about this, I don't know why. It's like I truly feel, deep in my heart, that my growing suspicion is about to be validated.

Hopefully I'm right.

Whoo-ha Woes

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

It's weird--call me insane, call me in denial, whatever, but I'm getting the feeling more and more that maybe this "chemical pregnancy" is being misdiagnosed, and that I'm actually still pregnant. I can't pinpoint exactly what makes me feel that way. I talked to Sean about it, and he didn't think that I'm nuts-he said that I know my body best, and if something's not right, I need to call the doctor's office and talk to someone about it. Doctors aren't always 100% right. In fact, in this instance, I'm sure Dr. Vest would gladly eat his words if he was wrong and I were pregnant.

I rooted around in the bathroom and found one more HPT-it's a Fact Plus test, which measures a minimun of 40mlU of HCG, and peed on it last night. Within one minute, it came up as "+", clear as day. Now, if my HCG on Thursday was 36.7, and should have, in theory, been dropping since then, why would a positive still be there? Total mind fuck. Plus, I'm starting to get a queasy feeling more and more often-it comes and goes. Not enough to barf, just a "urgh, I feel kinda churny in the stomach" feeling. And, those cramps that I'm getting-they're low, most often on the right side, and has the same pulling sensation that I had before. And, that constant hunger thing is still going on.

So, risking the thought that they would think I'm psycho, I called the office and spoke to Nursey P. I asked her what kind of bleeding would I experience, and she rattled off the signs. I told her that I haven't seen blood yet, it's been the same type of brown spotting, only when I go to the bathroom, not enough to soak a pad and now it's stopped completely (it actually stopped yesterday). I also told her about the pulling feeling and I told her that it's the same type of cramping that I've had all along (I didn't tell her about the nausea or the HPT, though). Nursey seemed more concerned that I haven't bled yet than the crampy feeling, so she said that Dr. Vest was with a patient right now, but she was going to speak to him and call me back.

This is one of the reasons that I like this office-they take every inquiry seriously, no matter how odd it may sound. The one thing that I'm worried about is that they'll prescribe Provera without seeing me first, which I'm not going to stand for. I have to go for another beta tomorrow morning, which will show us what the numbers are. I think, that when she calls back, I'll ask her if, for peace of mind, I can come in for an ultrasound, just to see what the hell's going on in there. I am prepared that it would show nothing, but what if there's something there? What if these cramping feelings on my right side is a tubal pregnancy? What if there's-dare I say it-a fetus with a heartbeat pumping away in there?

It's better to be safe than sorry, isn't it?

Sunday Thoughts

We went out to dinner last night-Sean had to move M's shit out of her house yesterday (her closing is next week) and she originally told me that it would "only take a few hours" and that we could make it to Shelli's with no problems. Riiiiight. Nine hours later, Sean comes home, sweaty and sore. M's bedroom furniture, which she bought for the house, is oversized and heavy. Sean and Sexy Josh did most of the work, and they had to go back and forth several times to load and unload furniture. M felt bad (especially since she found out we had to cancel going into the city) and told us that she was taking us out for a steak dinner. Too right.

I purposely chose an expensive restaurant. Yes, I'm a bitch. But it was totally worth it-the food was excellent.

So, we're going in this morning to Shelli's instead, which she's cool about (yay, I get to see the orange room up close and personal!). Then, tonight, we're going to a friend's for dinner and to watch the finale of "Six Feet Under", with G&A. Our friends know that we're going through IF treatment, but they don't know anything about our recent disappointment, and I prefer to keep it that way, at least for now.

Okay, the next part is a bit TMI, so if you don't want to read, then don't:

I noticed that the only time that I'm bleeding is when I go to the bathroom-there's blood and clots in the toilet, and on the toilet paper, but not on any pad that I'm wearing. It's a brownish red, sometimes more reddish, sometimes more brown. I also noticed that, when I wake up in the morning, there's no blood on the pad, unlike when you have your period, you're bleeding at all times, whether you're lying down or standing up. Is that normal? No really horrible cramping, either. It's just weird. It gives me the irrational feeling that maybe it's not a miscarriage.....yeah, I know that thought is crazy. But, since they told me on Friday I've been wondering if the doctors are wrong-maybe I'm miscarrying a twin, and the other embryo is okay? I know that isn't a rational or realistic thought, but it's been on my mind.

Another thought-since I'm Rh negative, did that have anything to do with this pregnancy not working? Maybe I actually miscarried way back in April with my first IVF (when I bled like a pig right before the beta-my progesterone was really low on those Crinone suppositories) and should have had the Rhogam injection, and maybe that's why it didn't work this time?

All questions that need to be asked.

Thank you

I can't even put it into words how touched I am for the responses I've received. You women are amazing, you truly are. It's unfortunate that we're all here for the reasons that we're here, but I'm grateful, truly, that you're out there in blogland. Thank you all-it really helps.

Cat and Shelli-I can't even say enough how much you guys mean to me. You've been there, every step, even with your own dramas going on. Muchos besos to both of you. Your kindness will not be forgotten.

Yesterday was probably one of the toughest days of my life. Not that today isn't either, but yesterday was horrific. I just stayed in bed, in my pj's, all day, alternating between crying my eyes out and looking up "chemical pregnancy" on the Internet.

I hate that phrase. It's a miscarriage, plain and simple. And, it's not just "like a heavy period"-it's getting rid of a baby that was so desperately wanted, and was joyously received.

It's a death.

The worst had to have been when Sean came home from work. He just sat at the edge of the bed and cried. It was more disturbing to me to see him like that than anything else. He told me that from the beginning he didn't have a good feeling about it, and he didn't want to get his hopes up. He said that it's nobody's fault, that we'll get through this, and whatever I decide in the future (ie. more treatments) is up to me and he'll support it.

God, I love this man. Even if, God forbid, I never am able to have babies, at least I have him.

Here's the most fucked up thing about this whole situation-I received not one, but two "mommy-to-be" congratulations cards in the mail-one from my mother-in-law, and one from a friend. They meant well, I know, but still-a bit early, don't you think? Sean freaked out when he saw them in the post. He tried to calm himself down, knowing that they weren't meant maliciously, but he said, very firmly "if we do this again, we aren't telling ANYONE next time". Which, I suppose, he's right. I know involving people is running the risk of this kind of shit, but since Sean is a needle wimp, we unfortunately need to involve people, unless he steps up and learns to do the shots. Things to think about...

As to whether or not I'll do another cycle (those were the last of our frozen embies)-I don't know. Sean says that I don't need to make that deccision right now, but I know that Dr. Vest will want to do a lap first to deal with my tubes, and I don't know if I want that, especially since school will be starting soon, and I can't financially afford to be on medical leave for a few weeks. I had such a hard time with that first cycle, too. Maybe next time would be different, who knows.

Today, we're going into the city to Shelli's place-Sean's going to be making some built-in bookshelves for their living room-and Cat's coming over. Sean told me yesterday, that we should still go, that he thought that spending our day with people going through similar journeys will be good for us, and he's right. I can't imagine two other wonderful people to share my Saturday with.

I'm feeling okay, right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not sad, grieving, angry, in pain. But, for now, I'm just going on being okay. That's good enough for me.

I can't believe I'm even posting this:

Beta #3-HCG-36.7, progestgerone 25.2
It's dropped from 120 to 36.7

The nurse said that it's probably a chemical pregnancy, but that she will give the results to the RE and someone will call me back.

I can't believe this-after 3+ years, I finally get a BFP, and now this. I tried to see online if there was any hope here-maybe there was a twin that was lost, or something, but I doubt it.

I want to throw up, I'm so upset. I can't even cry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think right now.


**update**

Nursey P just called-the RE wants me to stop all medications and wait for my period. It's a chemical pregnancy.

I'll go in on Tuesday for one more beta, to make sure it's 0, then they want me to come in to see the doctor.

I just can't believe this. I was pregnant, and now I'm not.

I don't know if I can go through another IVF cycle. I don't know what I want to right now, except curl up into a ball and die.

Maybe this is a sign, maybe I shouldn't try anymore. Maybe I should just give up.

More Waiting

Beta #3 was today. I went in bright and early for the blood draw at the local Quest Lab. I've got to tell you, I have yet to go to a shitty Quest Lab. They are so nice and professional there. Plus, the one I go to (literally 7 minutes from my house) is never busy, and it's brand new-yay!

I just want to have this over with. I want these numbers to be really good, especially the progesterone. Then perhaps I can get the fuck off some of the twat rockets. I've been spotting (brown, and somewhat heavy at times) for two days now and it's starting to freak me out. I know that Nursey P said that it's normal, that it's probably the progesterone that's irritating my vagina and cervix, but it doesn't ease the panic I feel every time I go to the bathroom and I see it on the toilet paper. The only consolation is that it really only seems to happen after I put the twat rocket in, but it doesn't make things easier.

Then, after the results of the beta, I will have more waiting-for the first ultrasound. What if there's nothing there? And, if there is something there, what if there isn't the next time?

You see, the worrying doesn't stop.

I'm wondering, as an woman who is only able to conceive through advanced means, if this is normal thinking. The average, normal woman (ie. one who has no fertility problems and is able to have children on their own) seems, to me, blissfully ignorant to beta numbers, progesterone levels, that there's a decent chance that nothing shows on the ultrasounds. They assume that once they see the positive home pregnancy test, everything will be okay. Is it because we infertile women (and I'm using the term generally to include not only people TTC, but also women who miscarry and experience late-term loss, because it is an impairment to fertility, IMHO) are forced to be more educated about our bodies and what doctors are doing to them in order for them to satisfy the urge to procreate? Or, that we're aware, through our growing network, both online and face to face support groups, of what can go wrong? Or.....could it be the doctors and nurses themselves? They are almost always overly cautious, not wanting to give you too much hope, just in case.

I wish that I could be blissfully ignorant, to have that excitement that most first-time pregnant women feel. They say that knowledge is power, but I wonder, sometimes, if it's power that's meant to liberate you from fear, or imprison you within it.

Any thoughts? Let's discuss.

Twats and Twat Rockets

First, thanks for all your responses. I know that it's weird to have those feelings, but I knew that you'd understand. I am happy, really-I just don't want to be too happy, just in case (God forbid) something happens. It's still not real for me yet. Maybe after Monday it will be.

I started spotting this morning. It's reddish-brown. I only see it when I go to the bathroom, (no blood on the perpetual pantyliner attached to my undies to catch the leftover twat rocket) and I noticed, on the last pee-run, that there was this grainy stuff in the toilet afterwards. But, when I put in my twat bullet this morning, there was no blood or yick on the applicator.

I called the Dr. Vest's office and spoke to Nursey P. She said that the bleeding is normal-the twat bullets cause the cervix and vagina to become irritated, and it could bleed, since the cervix is really sensitive. She said that if it gets heavier, or is bright red, to get off my feet immediately. She said that there really isn't much that they can do at this point, since my progesterone is pretty good. We just have to wait until tomorrow's beta (hopefully my last one) to see what the deal is, and if I need to continue the bullets and the shots....

Had some "injection drama" today. M is working today, and has an appt with a realtor after work. I have rehearsal tonight (I have to be there by 7), so I called my mother-in-law (an LPN) to see if she could shoot me up at 6pm. She told me that she was having people over at that time (friends from her old job) and, she "wouldn't say no" but if I could find someone else, that would be good. WTF???? This is her grandchild, for fuck's sake! My mother lives over an hour away and has to work tonight (she's a nursing supervisor who works the evening shift) and M can't do it (otherwise it wouldn't be an issue). So, I call my mom first to see what options we have. Bad idea. My mother and my MIL don't exactly get along (my mom thinks she's self-centered, which is a valid point). My mom starts freaking out and calling her an asshole and threatens to call her up. I said not to bother. It's not worth it. I call M at work and explain the situation. Sexy Josh can't do it and she can't do it-she has a meeting with a realtor and he's going with her. She comes up with an idea-her mom works in a urologist's office on the way to rehearsal-she'll call her mom to see if one of the nurses can give it to me. Thank GOD someone will be there, so I have to be there at 6.

I call my MIL back and let her know that it's been taken care of. She says,"Well, I'd do if you really needed me to, but with company here......" Whatever. She lives literally less than 10 minutes away from me. She actually wanted me to go over there and get injected, in the middle of her party-no WAY! That's all I need. I can understand that she had friends over, but, come ON......if it were my kid, there wouldn't be any conflict. I'd be there and do whatever it takes. Especially if my kid were going through what I've been through (and she's been more than aware of our struggles with conceiving).

I hate having to rely on other people. I hate having to basically beg people to help. Sean can't do this (he has a hard time with the shots, and if he's that nervous I don't want him near my ass with a 2" syringe) and I can't give them to myself. Hopefully, after tomorrow's beta/progesterone check, I won't need to be on the shots for much longer. Then it won't be an issue.

She's an ass.

I'm really REALLY gassy today, and I'm a little crampy. Not period crampy, but gassy/intestinal crampy, like the poopie cramps you get when you're stomach's upset or if you ate something that was too heavy or didn't agree with you. No poopie problems, really-just that (sorry if TMI). I'm also a little dizzy today, especially if I get up too fast. And, the hunger thing is still there. I got home from rehearsal last night and had to have something to eat.

All good signs, right? Let's hope they continue.

New Toys

I'm posting from the comfort of my bed, with my brandy-new laptop. It's fucking AWESOME! I just have to learn to type on this thing like a regular keyboard, because I keep making typing mistakes and I have to constantly correct myself.......I'll try to take a pic of it tomorrow and post it, so you can see for yourselves how fabulous it really is.

I'm exhausted today. I'm not sure if it's because of the pregnancy or if it's just that I'm not sleeping as well as I usually do, since Sean isn't here with me. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and woke up after two hours! Holy crap!

I felt a bit crampy off and on today too, but my understanding is that's normal-everything is stretching out down there. My ass, however, is a bruised mess. The shots themselves don't hurt, but the injection site is sore afterwards, and I'm getting bruise marks. At least M knows where not to put the needle, right?

So, this whole pregnancy hasn't sunk in yet. I feel really weird, like it's all a dream and that I'm going to wake up and it's going to be January all over again. It doesn't seem real to me at all. My brain is having problems switching from "infertile girl" to "pregnant girl". I mean, I'm still infertile-meaning that I can't have children without medical intervention-that hasn't changed. But, now there's someone else that's actually growing inside of me, even as I type this. A person, who will contribute to society someday (hopefully in a more meaningful way than "keg-stand king/queen of Party Town U., if you get my drift).

In some bizarre way, I feel guilty, that it's me and not someone else. Am I totally fucked up for feeling that way? Is that a normal thought pattern to have?

It's Official......

Nursey P called with my beta results:

HCG=120.2
P4=37.7

I go back for another beta on Thursday, then I go to see Dr. Vest and Mr. Techhie on Monday the 22nd to have an ultrasound.....

I'm officially PREGNANT!!!

Uh...is peeing on anything that's not tied down considered obsessive/compulsive?

Yeah, I'm being a bit (okay, more than a bit) OCD about this, but I'm feeling really anxious.

My ass, by the way, is sore as hell-both cheeks. I've got to give credit where credit is due, however; M certainly knows how to give shots-I really didn't feel them.

And yes, she did "take one for the team" last night with Sexy Josh-and still has the perma-grin to prove it. Heh. Well, at least one of us is still having sex......

I went today to the local Rite-Aid and bought two different brands of tests-an EPT one and the ClearBlue Easy-they both have either a "+" or "-" result (rather than the one or two line ones-I have no patience trying to figure those out). The EPT picks up a minimum level of 40 mlU and the ClearBlue Easy picks up a minimum of 25mlU. The ClearBlue one had a nice, dark "+" in the window; The EPT one also had a "+", but the horizontal line that intersects the "positive" part of the test wasn't as dark as it should have been (the "-" part of the plus sign.). The vertical line was nice and dark, however, so I guess that's good. Unfortunately, I looked online too late and realized that the RiteAid brand HPT has a minimum detection of 50miU-shit, should've bought those.....oh, well.

I took pictures of both tests. Hopefully, if I can get them loaded onto my 'puter I'll try to post them and you can discuss it amongst yourselves. My digital camera is a bit crappy, though, so I'm not sure how they came out.

Beta #2 is tomorrow morning. I'm not feeling any differently, except for the hunger thing, and this weird pulling/cramping feeling "down there". And being bloated, which is always fun.

So, until otherwise proven, I am still Pregnant. It feels so weird to even write that word. Once tomorrow afternoon and Nursey P's call has been made, then I can start to relax.

But, not yet.

Cautious Optimism

M came over last night to do my ass shot, which wasn't that bad-the jabbing isn't the worst part, it's when the oil goes in-yeouch! Hey, if this works, I don't care how many ass shots I have to take-I'll do it. She did it, instead of my mother-in-law, because Sean never told her that we were doing the FET cycle-I guess he really was listening to me during that huge argument-and I didn't want to have to explain anything to her at the last minute and have to deal with hurt feelings (whatever-she should have kept her mouth shut the first time and I wouldn't be nervous trusting her, right?).

Yeah, I forgot how much Progesterone In Oil injections hurt afterwards. And, I also (conveniently) forgot how BIG the syringe and needle were! I almost had a panic attack when she uncapped it.

She and Sean told me that I have to relax and take it easy, that worrying isn't going to make anything happen, which they're right. I did tell M that the only thing that would make me feel better is that she "do the deed" with Sexy Josh. She said that if that's the only thing that will help, she'll try to comply......

Heh.

Sean is really not wanting to talk about it. He keeps saying that we need to wait until Monday, when we know more. I know that it's because he doesn't want to get his hopes up, and that's his way of dealing with it. So, it's forcing me to not obsess over it for the weekend.

Shelli called me last night and she (and the girls from my buddy group on FF) reminded me that 38.1 is still pregnant. And, she's right. She told me that the number doesn't matter, it's that it should double every 48-72 hours-that's what counts. I'm not worried so much about the progesterone-when I did the fresh IVF cycle and they put me on the shots because my progesterone was too low on the Crinone, my P4 levels went up to 25, so I know that the shots will work.

And, I know that there could be many reasons that the numbers are low-I could have implanted later, it could be that it's not burrowing in there enough because the progesterone is low. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'll miscarry. I don't feel any differently. No crampiness, no spotting or bleeding.

I don't want to hope too much, but honestly, I just have this feeling that this will stick. I don't know what makes me think that, but I do.

I hope I'm right.

Mixed Blessings

Nursey P called around 6pm with my beta results, and they weren't what I expected.

It's positive.

But, my progesterone and beta levels were lower than expected. My progesterone was at 11.6 (should be around 20 by now) and my beta was at 38.1 (should be at around 100). Nursey P told me that "it's positive, but don't do a dance yet". She wants me to continue the Baby Bullets twice a day, and add 1cc of PIO to that every night (the dreaded ass-shot) for the rest of the weekend, then I have to do another beta/progesterone test on Monday so they can see if the levels went up. If they did, then great. If not, then it's probably a chemical pregnancy.

Shit.
Fuck.
WHY ME!? Why now, after three years and I FINALLY get a positive pregnancy test, do I still have to go through shit? Why can't I have an easy time of it?

Anyone know if, with these numbers, I can still have a viable pregnancy, or am I just fucked?

Please God, let this stick. Don't show me the world, then take it all away from me. I don't think that I could survive that right now.

Decisions, Decisions

Sean and I decided tonight that, should the beta be positive tomorrow, we aren't telling very many people. These are the people we will tell (of course, just in case), excepting present company, of course:

My mom and dad
My brother
My grandmother and grandfather
Sean's mom and stepfather
Sean's dad
Sean's stepbrother
Lil' Man (and the Dementor, by default)
Six close friends who have been very supportive throughout our IF journey.

Looking at the list now, it seems like a HUGE amount of people, doesn't it? But, for the most part, it is immediate family.

Sean and I agreed that, again assuming that the pregnancy test is positive, we will only tell these people, and make them swear on their future progeny's life not to tell anyone (and I mean anyone) else, just in case something (God forbid!) should happen. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but the whole IVF debacle from the last time with my mother-in-law's big yapper flying in the wind for all of her family to hear hits a little too close to home right now. So, assuming all will be well and everything works out, we could tell our families around Thanksgiving, which would really be a nice surprise.

Of course, this is also assuming that I'm pregnant, right?

Right.

Hopefully it won't make an ass out of u and me.

Breaking Point

Okay, I'm really starting to freak myself out today.

Tomorrow's the big day. Test day. The day I find out whether or not I'm pregnant, or still infertile.

I'm so scared that it's negative. I'm even more afraid that it's positive, but too low to carry a pregnancy, and that I'll miscarry.

Hell, I'm just afraid, let's face it.

I do have to say, I've been really REALLY good-I haven't peed on anything evil or stick-like yet. I did buy tests, though-one box of ClearBlue Easy (the one that has the plus or minus) and the ClearBlue Easy Digital one (that says the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" when it's done). I have decided that I'm going to do both tests tomorrow when I wake up, before I go in for the blood test. I need to mentally prepare myself somehow, so that if it IS negative, it won't be so shocking when Nursey P calls and says it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's more real to me when you actually hear someone telling you test results, as opposed to seeing it on a (really evil) stick.

Tomorrow morning, I go for the beta at my local Quest Diagnostics lab. I think that I'll go to the newer one that I went to for my monitoring in June and the labwork for this FET cycle. I was going to go to the one in Westfield (conveniently located down the street from Panera and Trader Joe's), but I've come to associate that lab with the negative beta from IVF #1-and yes, I know that sounds really wacko to say that. Then, my friend Tina has the day off from work, and her son will be with his grandma, so we're going to have lunch tomorrow afternoon and walk around Westfield, looking in shop windows and wishing we can afford to buy stuff. It's certainly better than sitting home, staring obsessively at the phone and sending "positive beta" vibes at it, right?

It's 13dp5(6)dt-also known as "shit or get off the pot" day. By this time tomorrow I'll know (as, of course, will you-I wouldn't keep you out of the loop!), one way or the other.

The waiting is really starting to get to me.

I changed the template back

to the old one, for now-not having my graphics up was bugging the shit out of me.

However, Cat told me that she could still see them, so when I went to my parent's house yesterday I logged into their computer, hoping to see my little bubbles, but NADA.

Hopefully it's only temporary. I wish I knew how to design my own blog template-then I can do whatever I want......*sigh* oh, well.

Today is 11dp5(6)dt. I think that I'll take an HPT tomorrow morning, just to see. I'm afraid to, because I don't want to see that "negative" result, but maybe I'll be surprised.

No other symptoms, except for the need to have to wear a pantyliner all the time. There's CONSTANT leakage, which I'm assuming is from the suppositories (I've christened them the "baby bullets"), but it's nasty. I keep going to the crapper, thinking that I'm spotting, but there's nada. That's been pretty constant in the last week or so, though.

Gross.

No other happenings going on around here. Just waiting for B(eta)-day and the arrival of my laptop, which can't come sooner-my computer has been running slow as shite lately. Plus, it'll be nice to blog from my bed, the couch, or even outside, since I got an internal wireless card and a modem-woot!

Two more days to go.

Smoothie Therapy

The queasiness went away, finally. It vaguely reminded me of the queasiness that I got when I first went on birth control pills many moons ago. Not "I'm gonna ralph" nausea, but that slightly blech feeling that doesn't really leave you. Like you're not sure to barf or not nausea.

I had to go out and get gas for the car (I basically coasted to the station down the street on the leftover fumes, that's how empty my tank was) and go to the bank, so I went to Planet Smoothie to treat myself, since it was sort of on my way (okay, it wasn't, but I didn't care...I wanted one!). All I can say is.....yummy yummy. I got the "Thelma and Louise" which was quite tasty (and apparently the "Women's Only" booster in it is preggo- or trying to be preggo-friendly).

I found that after scarfing one down (and risking brain freeze) my queasy feeling had miraculously disappeared........

Smoothie Therapy RULES!

Hmmm......maybe I am pregnant?........okay, I really didn't say that! Forget that I said that! I don't wanna jinx myself! ARRRGH!

Feeling a bit better today.....

I had a hormonal mini-meltdown last night, what with the pain of the migraine and stress.....

I called Dr. Vest's office this morning, and spoke with Nursey P about the suppositories. Apparently, seeing blood on the applicator is a common thing-I guess you're irritating your cervical lining with the progesterone-but, as long as I'm not bleeding or seeing blood in the toilet(which I'm not) it's okay.

So, I felt a bit better about that-at least it's normal, which means that I'm still in the game, for the time being.

I woke up headache-free, but now I'm getting another headache as I type-I'm wondering now if it's due to the weather (it's really humid and it's supposed to rain) and allergies-I haven't taken an allergy pill since last Friday the 29th. It's always in the same area-behind my left eye and radiating down my neck on the same side, which is leading me to believe it's a sinus thing.

There is, however, two new symptoms to obsess over-hunger and nausea. I got up this morning at around 7:30, had breakfast at 8am, then by 11:30 was STARVING, so I made myself a PB&J. Now, I feel slightly queasy. It was like this on Saturday too. I was hungry, had a snack (cheese and Triscuits), then got slightly nauseated and had to lie down. I didn't feel better until later on, after I ate and drank something.

Weird.

It's 9dp5(6)dt. I have decided that I will refuse to pee on an evil stick until Thursday the 11th. That way, I'll be slightly more emotionally prepared if it's negative. I have sucessfully resisted the urge to take one thus far. That doesn't mean that I DON'T want to do an HPT, it just means that I'm scared shitless to.

4 more days to go, until B(eta)-day. I think that it will be the four longest days of my life.

Why I think that it didn't work

I really am starting to believe that the transfer didn't take.

Here are my reasons:

I've a wicked headache-and I mean WICKED, like migraine status. Usually I get these right before I get my period. It's so bad that I feel nauseated

After I put in my suppositories today (both morning and tonight's), there was blood on the applicator after I removed it. Not full blood, more like that mucus tinged stuff you get before your period comes in full force.

No sore boobs.

Sort of crampy, off and on.

Maybe I'm overreacting, or not. I just don't know what I'm going to do if I get my period tomorrow (or within the next few days). I thought that, with taking these suppositories, it was going to be different. Hell, I felt totally different than the last time. Maybe that's not the case.

We're at 8dp5(6)dt. Only 5 days until B-day, and I'm afraid that I won't make it, that the flow will come full-force. I'm so afraid that this didn't take, that I'm going to end up in surgery and have more needles, more pain.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. When is enough, enough?