Tuesday, December 05, 2006

So, What Happens Now?

I've been doing a lot of thinking for the past few days as to what the hell I want to do with all of this. Of course, I've had my pity party (table for one?), gotten trashed, been through the usual emotions that accompany a failed cycle-desperation, frustration, bitterness, anger, sadness. But I haven't explored that vast and slightly scary question of what to do next. Do I do another cycle right away, or do I take another break? Should I throw in the towel altogether or stick it out? And, how do I come to a decision that I can peacefully live with?

Your comments certainly put things into perspective. Things could be a lot worse. How I can say that, given the numerous failures, is insane. But, I do realize that there are people out there who have gone through so much more than even I. Sometimes it's hard to remember or even believe that, but I do acknowledge that. And, that is saying something.

So, what should I do, you're wondering? Well, first thing's first-I go to the follow-up Friday afternoon with Dr. Pipsqueak. I honestly don't think that there will be too many answers to the "why the fuck didn't it work this time" question. There aren't many, besides it's just a bad turn of the infertility roulette wheel. And, I'm sure that they'll suggest to try again. But, at what emotional cost? Is it worth losing my sanity?

I can't remember a day that hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of being pregnant, babies or motherhood. I'm tired of feeling worthless because of another pregnancy announcement, shower invitation or birth announcement. I want my life back again. I want to feel like I did before we were plunged into the world of infertility like jumping into a freezing lake-carefree, naive, ready to take on the world. Now all I feel is cautious, unsure and fearful. I hate being so preoccupied with my girly bits and how they are or are not working. I hate having half of the New Jersey chapter of the ACOG looking up my cooter. I hate that I will never really have a pregnancy that is blissfully ignorant of what could go wrong, if I should be so lucky to get pregnant again in the first place. And, as blasphemous as this will sound (read?), I sometimes hate God that He is just being the observer in this whole drama. That He's stopped listening to me. Hell, I've even prayed to have the desire to be a mother taken away from me, and I'm still being ignored. Go figure.


Yes. I've decided that yes, it IS worth it. I'm not getting any younger. It's not going to get any easier. I've been around the infertility block a few times, so to speak. I know the scene. But, I've decided that I'm tired of being defined by my infertility. I need to accept that I can't control this situation. No amount of praying, acupuncture, pineapple, positive imaging, or medical help will determine the outcome. It's a lot like auditioning in theatre-if you took it personally every time you don't get the part, you won't get very far as an actor or singer. You've got to have a thick skin, in order to pick yourself up and go back to pounding the pavement. Honestly, it's all a game of chance, and, between you and me, I suck at gambling.

But, if the doctors tell me that they "strongly feel" that I will be pregnant and deliver a healthy child, then why don't I feel the odds are in my favor? If they're that confident, why don't I feel the same? I really think that it's because I'm more emotionally invested in this compared to the doctors. That's not to say that they're not emotionally connected in some way-I feel, especially in my clinic, the doctors, nurses and staff are kind, compassionate women. But, they're not going through it (although I did hear a rumor that Dr. Cheery, who did my last transfer, also went through IVF), so they can't truly know how it feels when you get another failed cycle call from your nurse. I truly wish that I could just tune out emotionally during a cycle so it doesn't affect me (don't we all...), but we all know that won't happen.

So, we have 6 three-day embryos left, and hopefully some blasts made it to refreeze. We'll try it again, until they're all used up. Then we'll have to make a decision as to what is next-whether or not we can do another fresh cycle is up to our insurance, as I might or might not have another chance under my coverage. That's as far as I'm willing to go in deciding my reproductive future right now.

That should be enough. More than enough, for now.

14 comments:

Kath said...

Dear S, it's so hard to feel that odds are in your favor when the outcome so far has been so disappointing. (In all honesty, it's hard to feel, sometimes, that the odds aren't out to get you.) So I can understand your reaction to your doctor's words -- they see you as the "type" of patient this usually works for, but all you have to go on is past performance.

As for deciding what to do next and when, it's so difficult and so personal. I hope you find the answer that works for you.

Alice said...

“I can't remember a day that hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of being pregnant, babies or motherhood. I'm tired of feeling worthless because of another pregnancy announcement, shower invitation or birth announcement. I want my life back again. I want to feel like I did before we were plunged into the world of infertility like jumping into a freezing lake-carefree, naive, ready to take on the world. Now all I feel is cautious, unsure and fearful. I hate being so preoccupied with my girly bits and how they are or are not working. I hate having half of the New Jersey chapter of the ACOG looking up my cooter.”

I loved this. This really hits the nail on the head. I feel exactly the same way (only it’s half of New York, not Jersey). Only you know what is best for you. But maybe you should allow yourself to take a mini-break? Give yourself sometime to just BE. And to grieve. And then, if you feel ready, go for it again. Peace.

Shelli said...

one step at a time, just one.

love you.

Thalia said...

The actor/singer analogy really resonated for me - we DO need that thick skin, that impenetrable armour. I guess it just gets very heavy when you have to wear it all the time...

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through... at the same time I'm so happy I found this blog. You are very eloquent in describing your journey. Thank you for sharing. It's easier when we know we're not alone.

OHN said...

I remember people telling me to "take a break", "forget about it for awhile"--every time someone said that,I wanted to scream! It was usually someone with 2 or 3 kids that had NO CLUE that my sole purpose in life was to get, and stay pregnant. I obsessed for 8 years.My heart goes out to you--the whole infertility thing absolutely sucks!

Sassy McSasserson said...

Hi S.
I just wanted to sign on and tell you that I am so sorry for all of the feelings that you are dealing with right now. It has go to be so damn frustrating for you.
I totally understand what you are saying about being upset with God. I feel the same way a lot of the time - I mean I know that he just does not interfere sometimes with the natural order of things and that really frustrates me because I wish he would just stick his hand in and make us all pregnant. It's hard to understand why any of us have to go through this hell. Hopefully one day we will get it, and dare I say we may even appreciate the trial?? (I doubt it!)

But I just wish you the best of luck and I hope that you find peace with what to do next. As long as you have those frozen embys you might as well give it a try. Just know we are all thinking of you and we all really REALLY really want you to be pregnant!

Manuela said...

Siiiggh... just reading now about your failed cycle. I'm sooo unbelievably sorry.

Just one bit of assvice... don't push yourself too hard with respect to trying to decide what to do next. A failed cycle is a traumatic thing... and involves more than a little grieving. Greiving lost hope of the child that might have been...

Just be kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks... give yourself permission to take time in deciding what feels right for you...


Again... so sorry.

Anna said...

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, S. It's incredibly frustrating! I remember being aggrivated because of the limbo of not knowing: If only I could know if I would be successful or not, then I could make peace with the efforts, one way or another. It's the not knowing if you'll ever be successful that'll really get to you.

It's horrible knowing that your body is failing you and your husband. I hated that feeling, even with the constant reassurances from him. I wished it had been different for me, just I wish the same for you.

I gave up on my eggs, but found success with donor eggs from my cousin. I was grateful to be able to experience pregnancy, even though the delivery wasn't precisely as I had hoped, it resulted in what I most wanted: healthy child and healthy mother.

I had been so concerned how I would feel about this baby not being biologically mine, but found it's such a load of bunk! The DNA doesn't make you a mother, the loving caring and nurturing does. Whether that child is biologically your own or someone elses, I found that to me, it didn't matter.

You're in my thoughts, on this cold sunny day in PA, the across-the-river neighbor of NJ and I'm hoping and praying that you are successful one day, sooner rather than later. Take some time to consider all your options, and I wish you and yur husband all the best.

Lut C. said...

There's always someone worse of, it doesn't diminish your grief. You're entitled to your feelings.

And I agree with you, that is more than enough planning for now.

St. Cecilia said...

I LOVE reading your blog. You are much more blunt than I am about all of this crap. You are stating how I feel in raw terms and I deeply feel and appreciate it.

My daily struggle, in a nutshell, is that I DEEPLY DEEPLY want a baby but I don't want to hurt either. I've become numb to all of the other crap... the appts, the probe up my you know what, the medicine, the everything.

I don't remember the last time I had a good freaking cry about this. I just turn my head and say it's God's will and that's it.


In the end though, and your post has inspired and reminded me, that this IS something that I want. It IS worth the trouble and I need to get my freaking head out of my butt keep on it.

... I'm saying this as I'm sitting here trying to figure out if this is, in fact, my period starting or not (don't you just love that?).


Anyway, I feel for you and am thinking of you.

Nickie said...

((Hugs)) Hang in there. I've still got my fingers crossed for you to finally catch a break. You're definitely due.

Nicole said...

I just wanted to give you a big (((hug))). Keeping my fingers crossed tightly for you!!

shazz said...

YEs maybe there is someone worse off than you but this is your world and your grief and pain and don't let anyone take that away from you and make you feel bad for it. I have been through 8 ivf cycles and you need dam thick skin for it and even then its not enough!!
Sending hugs
xx.