It's been a rough week or so since the last post. I have so much to say, and so many things whirling through my head that I don't (can't?) know how to put down. I feel as if I've been gagged, in a way-there are so many emotions running through me and, yet, I can't express them. I've never felt like this before.
Plus, I've had no desire to do anything, except sit on the couch and watch Oprah. And, she's starting to piss me off, so even that isn't working. Needless to say, I'm a fucking mess.
But, I did want to thank you all for your kind thoughts-even saying "holy crap, that fucking sucks monkey balls" means a lot to me. It does help. Even if I still feel like shit, even when I feel as if there will never be a happy ending for us, your support does help, in ways I can't begin to truly express here without sounding cheesy. So, thank you.
There are a lot of thoughts running through my head. For some reason, it's taken me longer this time to get over this latest disappointment. I really think it's because this is starting to take a toll on me, emotionally. I feel lost, drifting in a sea of confusion and apathy. Do I quit, or do I keep going with treatments? How has this changed me, and is it for the better? Do I really care? Am I becoming a cynical, bitter person, devoid of faith or hope? How badly do I want a baby? How far will I go?
Like I said, lots of questions. But, no answers, which really pisses me off. And, we're not likely to get them, at least not in the near future. FET appt, by the way, is on December 8th, so let's see what they say......