Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Here I Am

It's been a rough week or so since the last post. I have so much to say, and so many things whirling through my head that I don't (can't?) know how to put down. I feel as if I've been gagged, in a way-there are so many emotions running through me and, yet, I can't express them. I've never felt like this before.

Plus, I've had no desire to do anything, except sit on the couch and watch Oprah. And, she's starting to piss me off, so even that isn't working. Needless to say, I'm a fucking mess.

But, I did want to thank you all for your kind thoughts-even saying "holy crap, that fucking sucks monkey balls" means a lot to me. It does help. Even if I still feel like shit, even when I feel as if there will never be a happy ending for us, your support does help, in ways I can't begin to truly express here without sounding cheesy. So, thank you.

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head. For some reason, it's taken me longer this time to get over this latest disappointment. I really think it's because this is starting to take a toll on me, emotionally. I feel lost, drifting in a sea of confusion and apathy. Do I quit, or do I keep going with treatments? How has this changed me, and is it for the better? Do I really care? Am I becoming a cynical, bitter person, devoid of faith or hope? How badly do I want a baby? How far will I go?

Like I said, lots of questions. But, no answers, which really pisses me off. And, we're not likely to get them, at least not in the near future. FET appt, by the way, is on December 8th, so let's see what they say......

12 comments:

Kath said...

Dear S, it's so sad to hear you're feeling like this. I know the feeling well, and the questions you are asking are so bone-achingly familiar. How good it would be to have a glass of wine together to talk about all this stuff, to try to come to grips with it. I hope you get some answers soon, and I hope you are able to let some of those feelings out. Thinking of you and wishing you well, my dear.

OHN said...

I have been lurking for some time now and wanted to pop in and say hi. We went through 8 years of infertility crap,blighted ovums, miscarriages (4) and I really know how you feel. So much of your life is consumed with getting/staying pregnant that it pissed me off that there were people out there going on with their lives like they had no idea I was in so much pain. (Of course they had no way of knowing I was in pain cause other than being a bitch to everybody, I never shared my grief) I hope you have someone that will let you vent. I just wish blogging had been around when I was in hell. I think it would have helped me feel less isolated.We bloggers may not know each other but we do understand each other~~

St. Cecilia said...

Sweetie, this bites. I struggle with the same thing time and again. I don't mind the appts so much, or the shots, or the BDing on specific days and times but what does get to me is the drive to my doc who is so far away and the expensive/invasive procedures I have done for this.

I wonder if this constant stream of drugs each month (for 10 months now) will give me cancer... I wonder if my baby, should I ever conceive one, will be grossly unhealthy because of these meds I am taking.

It shouldn't be this damn hard to have a child.

I'm considering seeking a therapist as I too have not had any motivation/desire to do anything anymore. Christmas decorations may not even go up this year and that's freaking my husband out.

I pray for you, me, our husbands and everyone else who is struggling with us.

Alice said...

I understand the feeling well--I've barely just begun and I'm already sick of all this. Sick of the dread, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief. As cliche as it is--time does heal, never completely, I don't think, but you won't always feel exactly like you do today. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break (try not to follow my plan, completely, which included eating about a thousand cookies at a time). Anyway, I'm thinking of you and wishing you only good things.

--Alice

watson said...

I just want to echo the sentiments above.

It's not surprising what a toll this takes on us, and yet it still totally and completely sucks. Big time.

I wish I had something more eloquent to say, but I don't. I just want to wish you the best and hope that things get better, somehow, in some way.

Lut said...

My friends tell me not to lose hope. I ask them why?
They say without hope I might as well quit.
They're wrong. I'll go on until I'm satisfied that I've tried all reasonable options.

The things is, recognizing the reasonable options, and especially the end of them is so difficult.

My Reality said...

All of this sucks. I wish there was a way to make it easier. At least you aren't alone, there are many of us feeling the same way.

Jules said...

I'm drifting in the same lost sea as you. I actually wrote the same post as you yesterday.

It all just gets too hard. You don't know where to go, or who to turn to.

Sending you hugs from across the sea.

Shelli said...

Love you.

Carol said...

Everything you're feeling sounds so normal. I have felt the same way after my failed cycles. It is emotionally draining after a while.

but you said something in your last post that i wanted to comment on - "It's obvious it's not going to work for us". Is it really? I don't think so. If it was obvious, then I think RE would say so and would tell you to move on.

I know your're just hurting right now. Take care.

cat said...

sending you some more love from brooklyn. *hugs*

Kristi said...

HI there, I'm new here, but I wanted to ask you if you had your tubes removed? My RE highly suggested this before we did IVF because the fluid released in your blocked tubes (hydrosalpinx) will either wash away the embryos or kill them before they can implant. I know how hard this is to go through. I just went through a failed FET myself and I'm still licking my wounds. I hope you don't give up. :)
Kristi