Monday, February 20, 2006

Impatience

Sean I went yesterday to Shelli's to meet my new niece, a.k.a. "Boo-Boo Baby Bite-Face"........or, at least until the end of the week, when we'll hear her name for the first time, according to Jewish tradition. She is AWESOME-just adorable. Shelli and Narda are elated. Sleep-deprived, but still, elated.

It was nice to be there. That doesn't mean to say that it was easy to be there, but it was nice. But, I can say that without any guilt, because I know that Shelli (as well as others who struggle with infertility) "gets it". She even said to me, at one point, that she knew how it must be difficult to be around a baby. And, to an extent, it was. But, it wasn't for my own sake-the hardest part wasn't seeing Shelli or Narda cuddling, feeding, or changing her; it was seeing my own husband holding a baby in his arms and realizing that there is a chance that he will never get to hold a child of ours like that. And, it was like a knife being shoved in my heart.

I just get so frustrated sometimes. Please don't misunderstand me-I am so happy for my infertile girls when they finally get pregnant and make it through the minefield of pregnancy with their babies in tow (adopted or not, it's still the same). I might even be happier for them than a friend who had an "oops" pregnancy or one who wasn't trying for long, because I know that they went through hell and back for their baby.

It also pisses me off that there are some people, some of whom are my closest friends (however, they also didn't have IF problems) who don't "get it". Case in point: I went to dinner tonight with my friend M, to a local pizza/Italian joint. She told me that she asked another friend to come along, who is hugely pregnant. This friend had an "oops" pregnancy and initially wasn't happy about it, because she didn't want to have children, which of course pissed me off. M tells me that she asked her, but that she "probably wouldn't come along". Well, she did, and I didn't know for sure until right before I got to the restaurant. So, now I get to spend dinner listening to two women comparing pregnancy issues, and not be able to join in on the conversation. What fun, right? Well, at least the bread was good-I probably ate half a loaf listening to the flatulence issue alone. Now, do you think that M even deigned to consider that perhaps being around a pregnant woman who didn't want a baby might bother me? Nope. Perhaps it's the infertility mindset to be overly sensitive, but come ON!

But still, every time I see a baby, pregnant woman, or have to endure this insensitivity, a little part of me still dies inside, because I begin to doubt that this will ever happen for me. That it won't be "my turn". That all these doctor's appointments, surgeries, second opinions won't mean shit if I can't get pregnant and carry a child to term. That these things are a sign from God that motherhood isn't meant for me, and I will end up childless. And it's sad and frightening and unimaginable.

It sucks. Unfortunately, it seems, at least for the time being, to be my cross to bear. But it's getting heavier and heavier, and at times I feel that it's too much for me to hold. So, when will my burden be lifted off my shoulders?

It's a question that, unfortunately, has no answer right now. And, I hate that.

5 comments:

hormonebitch said...

I know this sucks for you! I am so sorry. However, I don't think God intended on you not to have any children because you are obviously very good with children since you are a teacher...a job you couldn't pay me a million dollars to have. If I could sprinkle fairy dust and make it all go away for you and everyone else...I would. Hang in there!

laura said...

While the insensitive fertiles have a lesson to learn, you, on the other hand, are being such a good friend to people like shelli and others. Be proud of that. The other stuff just sucks. No getting around it.

Ren said...

You don't know me..I'vev been reading your blog as a way to help get thru my own infertility issues. I haven't had to go thru nearly as much as you yet...35...been trying for 2.5 years...but I DO know what you mean about the "insensitives". over Christmas I had 9 close-friends that were pregnant. Half are cool enough to know how hard it all is for me to see them. What I found the worst is when you go to visit them, or go to showers, etc - its their friends and family that don't realize my situation that say the things that hurt. The "when's your turn?" "maybe you'll be next" blah, blah. I'm down to just one "infertility friend". It's hard, and just know that it's really cool to read your blog and know it's not a lonely problem. I used to post on my blog about my fertility problems, then realized my parents were reading it and it was killing them. So I quit. It's great to read yours - you're a great writer. Definitely hang in there from me as well!

Shelli said...

I hate it too.

I think you have EVERY fucking right to just sya to women like that, "hey, yaou know, before my miscarraige, I had gas pains, too!" With a TOTAL snarky expression.

And then promptly change the subject.

And Boo-boo baby girl bite face loves you too. She's LUCKY to have such a great auntie and uncle who gave her the BEST diaper bag in the WORLD.

You know, I used to never think that there was a light at the end of the IF tunnel.

but there is. You just can't see it now, and I, for one, certianly won't try and make you. but it is there. Just let me know when you want to take a peek.

love you,
S

cat said...

Everyday I pray that this cross will not be yours to bear for much longer and that you will find an end to this path that is happy. It is bittersweet to see other IFers come to the end of the journey and you are a good woman for admitting it and loving none the less.

Sending you love dear S.