Friday, September 30, 2005

An Empty Shell.

Yeah, this week sucks.

Actually, come to think of it, this whole life I lead pretty much sucks, so why should this one particular week be any different?

I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly. I could give two shits about anything. Work is stressful. Church job is stressful. The pregnant teachers in school and church disturb me, to the point that I can't eat in the faculty room anymore because of all the baby talk right in front of my face (and this from the same colleagues who know what I've gone through-insensitive, right?). I can't concentrate on anything. I had choir rehearsal last night and I sucked. Truly. I couldn't focus and got so frustrated and pissed off that I was making stupid mistakes and asking stupid questions. And, to top it off, the section leaders got "talked" to by A about our getting on the ball with our jobs as section leaders. Great. I'm constantly tired-all I want to do is stay in bed. And, to top it all off, I'm coming down with a cold, or whatever the hell Sean had and has now given to me. At least I didn't have it last weekend, or else I would have been screwed royally.

I came home and cried for two hours last night, and tried to tell Sean what was wrong, but it came out all jumbles, so now Sean thinks, now more than ever, that I'm a nutjob. I can't even really verbalize exactly how I feel. It's like everything in my life feels so out of control, and I can't do anything about it. I'm so sad and angry and frustrated and stressed out, and it's only the end of September-what will happen by April?

I'll probably be committed. Certifiably insane.

I was so upset after I left rehearsal last night, and so angry. A is supposed to be a friend, as well as a boss, so why has he yet to ask me if I'm okay? In fact, I' m getting the growing feeling that he's been giving me the cold shoulder. And, he has yet to really acknowledge what's happened to me in the past 10 weeks, and it upsets and saddens me. I know, deep down, he's not that kind of a person-he's very "German" in personality and can seem to be emotionally detached at times, but come on.........he and G have been around since the beginning of my fertility issues, and he knows what's going's just upsetting me. But here's the million dollar question: would it really upset me that much if I weren't already in an emotional state of flux?

Honestly, I'm beyond caring about anything. I feel that everyone is putting a lot of pressure on me, that they're all taking a piece of me for their own purpose and there's nothing left for me but an empty shell. I don't know how much longer that I can live with that empty shell.

And, I really don't know what to do about it. Or if I really care that much to change it.


Shelli said...

oh sweetheart, it must be so hard for you right now, and the fact that no one seems to get it just makes it harder.

I send you lots and lots of love, my dear, sweet, S. LOTS of it.

cat said...

Also sending you love and support honey. You have every right to feel the way you do right now and whatever you need to find some peace go for it.

Thinking of you.

betty said...

S, I know how you feel. It can be so isolating to have all this rage and sadness messing with your head. It feels like no one understands. A friend recently told me that the upside is that you learn a hell of a lot about yourself...but sometimes I wonder if it's more than we need to know.
My hugs and understanding go out to you.