Monday, September 05, 2005

Not Truly Ours

Why is it my lot to be constantly surrounded by pregnant women?

Is it some kind of sick joke that God's playing? "Here ya go, let's just SHOW you what you can't obviously have.......HAHAHAHAHHAHA".

I can hear the snickering, can't you?

This was my weekend to cantor at church-normally, it's a pretty easy time (the $$ doesn't hurt, either). Usually, during the year, I'm a regular singer at the 11:00 mass, with the choir. Yesterday, at that particular mass, it seemed like everyone I knew was there, including one of the sopranos in my section (we sit next to each other, and she knows what we're going through), and, yes, she's pregnant yet again (it's her fifth) and due in February. FUCK!!!

After mass, she came up to me and told me that she heard that I miscarried (probably from A-it's possible that he just wanted to warn her in case I acted weird around her at first),and that she was so sorry to hear it. She herself had two within 14 months-her last miscarriage was when she was 16 weeks along. She told me that she was so glad that I had said something about it to people-she and her husband never told anyone about it when it happened to her the first time, and she realized afterwards how big of a mistake that was, because you need to be able to talk about it. She also said that if I ever needed to talk, that she was there, which was nice.

Then she said something that really struck me-that when something like this happens, it's a reminder that our children, regardless of how long we have them-for a few weeks, a few hours, days, or years-they are never truly "ours"..........they really belong to God, and they're here for whatever time they're a part of your life for a reason.

This concept was on my mind all day yesterday. I can certainly understand the concept, but why do that? Why break someone's heart like that-what's the purpose? Then, it got me thinking about some of the people I know.......someone like Cat, who's been through the wringer with multiple miscarriages. If that hadn't happened, and the testing that came later on, she wouldn't have learned of her thrombophilia, which not only affects her ability to carry a child, but also affects her general health.

There are so many of us that have had miscarriages/losses, failed cycles, and are struggling every day with the hell that is infertility. Do I think that there's a reason for it? Yes, maybe. For me, it's helped me appreciate the relationship I have with my husband, that we won't fall apart when shitty things happen to us. It makes me know that, if and when I get pregnant, I won't take it for granted, and that I'd thank God every day for the rest of my life for that gift. It prioritizes your life-infertility has actually forced me to realize what is important and necesary in my life.

I've just finished reading a great book, called Sarah: A Novel, by Marek Halter. I had bought the book a few months ago, but hadn't had the chance to start it. It's a fictional story about Sarah (Sarai), the wife of Abraham. A big part of the story was about the choice that (fictionally) she had made in her youth that later resulted in her struggle with infertility, her pain at not being able to give Abraham a son, and her lack of faith in this new God that Abraham worshipped, a God who promised Abraham again and again that Sarah would bear a child. In one of the last chapters of the book, Sarah goes out into the wilderness and has a breakdown, yelling and screaming at God for her barreness, and her begging and pleading for her heart's desire, that she would submit to His will. The passage really moved me, as it would, I'm sure, for all of us. We can all relate to that raw feeling of anguish and pain, to give yourself up for the one thing that would make you truly happy and complete.

If you can get a chance, give it a read. It's pretty good.


Shelli said...

my Hebrew name is Sara, and I pray (for both of us) that we don't have to wait until we are 9 to bear children!

Sounds like a good book - I'll go check it out.


Shelli said...

er, 90.....

Heather said...

Yes, I do believe my infertility issues were given to me for a reason. I know I've learned patience, to trust in my inner feelings, and appreciate my husband and the one daughter I do have. So now that I've learned, can I have my turn now?

cat said...

I'm not sure if any of it happens for a reason but it happens none the less and in the end if we can see something positive in it all then it's easier to deal with the trauma.

"Every cloud has a silver lining".

So far, life hasn't let me down.

betty said...

I have also just been musing the positives. It helps a great deal when you can count your blessings, but it doesn't help completley does it?