Monday, November 21, 2005

14dp3dt-BFN=CD1

Yep, it's official-Nursey P told me that the beta is negative.

Nothing, nada, zilch, zero, niente.

Not pregnant.

I think that I'm handling it rather well, thankyouverymuch. Of course, my period starting around 12:45 this afternoon was another tip-off, if you know what I mean.

M is coming over-the local sushi place has half price sushi today and tomorrow, and the wine will be a-flowing. Of course the Tylenol with Codeine is also on hand, should I need it.

Now is the time to take a hard look and ask myself if I really want to continue this torture to my body. I've now been through two fresh cycles of IVF and one FET, and still no baby. What makes me think that another fresh cycle will work? The eggs they retrieved from this cycle were obviously crap-at least, crappier than the first round six months ago. If you think about it, I've had a total of 35 eggs retrieved in the last six months through IVF, and 4 more through natural ovulation, so 39 eggs have been lost-that's over three and a half years of eggs gone from my body. And, since we all have a finite number of eggs in our bodies, does it stand to chance that those were the eggs of someone who's almost 37? Does that effect the quality? Who knows.

Obviously the acupuncture did nothing in the way of helping, except for a paid sleep in the office.

If I do this again, do I want to continue seeing Dr. Vest? Sure I like him, and the office staff, but liking them has nothing to do with getting pregnant. Should I decide to do this again, perhaps I need to go to a bigger, more well-known clinic, like RMA or IRMS or Cornell? Do I want to become a number? I've heard mixed things about the lab/clinic that Dr. Vest uses for his retrievals and transfers-could that be the problem-a shitty embryology lab?

Here's another thought-If I do go to another, bigger clinic, I have a sneaking suspicion that they'll recommend removing my tubes altogether (or, at least clipping them) to prevent the hydros from fucking up anything. Do I want to have surgery again? A laparascopy (or, even worse, a laparotomy, which would require inpatient time in the hospital) means time out of work-probably a few weeks, at least. Yes, I am tenured, and my job isn't in danger, but do I want that to happen? A lap is a scary thing to think about-and since tubal repair really isn't an option for me (my tubes are blocked distally, which means at the bottom, at the fimbrae, so I'm pretty much fucked)-fimbrioplasty has the lowest rates of success and the highest risk of ectopic pregnancies-plus, it usually scars back up again anyway.

So, my friends, I am at a crossroads. I never, ever thought that I would still be here, three and a half years later. I never thought that I'd still be barren as the desert. Hell, I never even, in my most horrific nightmares, believed that I would have to do so much to just have a baby-pump myself full of chemicals that maybe will give me cancer in twenty or thirty years (let's just up those odds, right? Especially since my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 61), go through surgery, the indignities of various people (mostly men) having to look up my cooter, have a gallon of blood removed from my body, having people stare at me when I have to shoot up in public places, having to rely on other people to stick my ass with huge needles every night, to ending up feeling inadequate and diseased and not normal. And, for what, I ask myself? What good did it really do?

I have a lot of soul-searching to do, a lot of questions that I need to make myself answer. Before I know what the next step is-whether it be continuing this IVF journey, or to call it quits and make the committment to living without children. Because, you see, adoption isn't really an option for me. I'm not opposed to it at all-in fact, my great-grandfather was adopted-but I don't know if I could bond with a child that isn't biologically mine. Plus, we can't afford to adopt (our IVF attempts are all covered 100% under our medical insurance-NJ is an IF-mandated state), which makes it that much harder. And, if I may be totally selfish about this next statement-I want the whole package-the morning sickness, stretch marks, waddling, maternity clothes experience that comes with pregnancy. I want to be able to feel the kicks, punches and flips that a baby would be doing inside my body. I want the ability to choose whether or not I'd want an epidural or "natural" childbirth experience. I want the experience the feeling of pushing a child out into the world-and adoption can't give you that. Yeah, like I said-it's totally selfish, but it's honest........and I am nothing, if not honest.

Peace out-I'm off to crack open that bottle of YellowTail and get a spicy tuna roll.

7 comments:

thalia said...

Oh S, I'm so sorry. I was holding out a bit of hope, even though I didn't write it on my comment on your last post because it didn't help me when ppl kept hoping after I knew it was over. But now I'm just sad for you.

I do understand about adoption. I can't get my head round it. But I am so bloody determined to be a parent that I will make it happen one way or another. And that way may just be adoption. But not yet.

I wish you lots of lovely sushi and delicious wine and not much need for the tylenol. And a bit of peace.

Shelli said...

it took us a long time to come around to adoption, and you know what?

It's just as sucky as ttc sometimes.

IF, and I say IF you ever come to that place. talk to me. I'll fill you in on the scoop.

But for now, enjoy the sushi, the wine, and the knowledge that I'm working my tail off to pimp Sean out to make you LOTS of money for endless IVF...


And we'll have LOADS of left over turkey if you want to come over this weekend, as I'm really cooking as a way to show off the bookshelves....

xoxoxox,
and big wet, smooches,
S

cat said...

So very sad to hear the news and frustrated that you have had to endure so much. Wish that I could take the hurt and all this crap away for you.

Whatever you decide, whenever you come to it we will be out here with support and love.

*hugs* that I wish were real instead of the internet kind.

Ashley H. said...

I just found your blog this week and I'm sorry that you're not pg. Good luck with the soul searching. I've just had yet another lap myself, which showed endo (at least my suspecions of it's reoccurance were correct!), adhesions and also showed blocked tubes. We're not doing IVF for personal religious reasons, so we may be at a stopping point here for our second child.

Lindy said...

Oh, S. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but that doesn't really say it. You're absolutely right. Infertility SUCKS. No two ways about it. I know that you'll be able to come to the right decisions for you and your family. Wishing you at least some small amount of comfort and peace with time.

hormonebitch said...

I am very sorry to hear about your bad luck. I don't think anything else I say could or would even make a difference. I am sorry.

Lorem ipsum said...

I'm so sorry. And I'm also sorry you're going to have to keep the title of your blog what it is at least another month.