I swore to myself that I wasn't going to write about this.
That it wasn't worth it.
That perhaps I was going to be the better person and just ignore it.
Well.........I don't really think so. Not anymore.
Now, as some of you are well aware, I had posted on Monday about my friend M and the saga that continues about her (the post is directly below this one). And, as is my usual way, wrote candidly about how she (and other women who never went through infertility) didn't get it when it came to what I'm going through. Which has been a common theme lately with her (and I've blogged about before). And, I received a comment (the first comment, actually) from a woman named L, who posted the following:
Babies are like buses when you dont expect them they suddenly come along.
Being around babies wont jinx you but being overly desperate to have one will. Relax and let it happen.If its meant to, it will.
I don't really think I need to elaborate on this, right? You can probably see where this is going.
So, I (very tactfully, I thought) crafted a reply to her that I felt was not mean or nasty (although I could have easily been, but I refrained from doing so-what's the point?), posted it on both her blog and in my comments, and left it at that.
Of course, it's never that simple, is it?
I'm sure, if you click the link to her blog, you'll see her "reply" to Monday's comment and her post from today. Now, as I said, I was going to leave it alone, because it's really not worth it. But, hell hath no fury than a woman on Lupron, and I'm not about to let someone get me down. I'm from New Jersey, dammit-land of "The Sopranos"-and you don't fuck with an Italian-American Jersey Girl. Ever.
*Sigh* Now I've got to open a big 'ol can of Whoop-Ass on her and webslap her. And it's not going to be pretty. She asked for it, however.
So, L-get a clue. Really. I tried to be nice about it. I tried to be tactful. Hell, I've even tried to be helpful by guiding you to resources that would help you understand infertility. Here was your response to that (on your blog):
I am sorry if you think I was "blase" and offended
you.I was only trying to be realistically supportive rather than
blandly supportive. I was told I couldn't have children and was lucky
enough to fall pregnant and have two children by my partner by
"mistake".Thsi only happened when I finally "relaxed" and actually ate
But I do understand, my mum went 10 years before
falling with me and my friend is infertile due to v.bad P.O.S. Another
friend just finally fell pregnant after 3 rounds of IVF and she is
I was not being narrow minded I was just trying
to be realistic. It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
I hope very much you get the children you desperately
want.They will just be glad you are their mother and not be bothered
that they were not "naturally" conceived.
First of all, never once did I say you were "blase". I did say that your comments were ignorant, but it perplexes me as to why you keep quotating the word "blase". But, I won't get hooked up on semantics right now. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?
I think that it's great that you were able to conceive and give birth to two children ("by mistake") even though you were told otherwise, and only after you "relaxed and actually ate properly". Really. I'm glad that it "worked" for you. And, did you go to an infertility specialist to find that treatment? Did you go through ANY infertility testing at all for a medical professional with a subspeciality in reproductive endocrinology to diagnose you as infertile? Or was it just something a general GYN might have mentioned in passing, during an exam?
And, how can you "understand" just because it took your mother 10 years to have you? Do you, perhaps in some pre-conception cognitive moment, happen to psychically connect to your mother and happen to remember her experience? You mention that you have two friends who have experienced infertility-did you make the same type of insensitive comments to them? If you did (which for some reason, I wouldn't doubt), then you are a truly rude and ignorant person, hands down.
Being "realistic" isn't a reason to make stereotypical, opinionated and unsubstantiated comments to people you obviously cannot relate to. Your comments were rude and uncalled for, not "realistic". Believe me, I've had enough realism to last me a lifetime. I don't need someone who has NO idea what I've been through (although you claim you do; however I've never had a woman who is infertile and now has children say that to me, which makes me doubt your claim). Your comments, to an infertile, are just as offending as calling a gay man a "fag" or someone who is Jewish a "kike". Perhaps you think that I'm overreacting, but I guarantee that if you took a poll about whether or not your initial comments could be viewed as offensive, you'd see how many people would agree.
Perhaps, if you actually READ my posts (instead of skimming through them to get a general idea and to search things you perceive as unpleasant), you would see that Monday's post follows a long issue I have with a friend of mine, who, while not as obviously crass as yourself, doesn't get it, even though she has witnessed my whole journey. A person who seems like Mahatma Gandhi compared to you, might I add.
I am sorry that you feel that I was attacking women with children; however, I don't know how your quote "It isn't pleasant to feel (as a mother) that women who
are (not yet) mothers look down on us as annoying and "gooey" over
children." came out of my post. I never said that mothers were "annoying" or "gooey" over children. I don't "look down" on mothers-that's absurd. I did say that I find it difficult when mothers who have NO CLUE OR EMPATHY expect you to gaggle over their children, knowing that you've just finished your umpteenth IVF cycle and have had another cancellation/failure/miscarriage, YET THINK THAT YOU SHOULD JUST SHAKE IT OFF AND MOVE ON. That it's so easy, if you just "relaxed" and didn't think about it. And, for the record, I don't dislike children, not in the least. If I did, why would I be going through this, and why would I have decided to leave my cushy corporate job to educate young children? I do, however, dislike people who are self-absorbed and make everything about themselves, which you obviously do.
Tell me, have you gone through IVF? Given yourself needles in your abdomen up to four times a day, fill yourself with drugs that fuck with your body, and then have to go and get blood drawn and ultrasounds daily? Go through incredibly painful surgical procedures to retrieve eggs, and not be able to take ANYTHING, except for OTC Tylenol? Ever gain 20 pounds of fluid in three days, where it's pressing against your lungs and impeding your breathing, and you can't walk or sit up straight or even lie down without being strangled by the fluid, and then have to have a needle put in your abdomen to drain the fluid out, or else your kidneys will shut down and you could die? Ever miscarried? Go through the pain, physical and emotional, knowing your body is rejecting the one thing you want most? Waiting for days for your body to expell a child, and wondering when it will be, would it hurt, what will I see when it happens? Ever watch your husband cry with joy when you tell him he's going to be a father, then see him weep when he finds out that the baby died?
I doubt it, considering your comments. You wouldn't have made them if you went through it.
I'm one of the lucky ones, when it comes to infertility. There are those of us who have gone through so much more pain-late-term losses where they had to give birth to babies that were already dead, genetic issues, recurrent miscarriages with no idea why. I've had a walk in the park, comparatively speaking. But, that doesn't make my journey any less significant, which any of them would tell you.
And, why would I think that my children would be "bothered" as to how they are conceived? You're making no sense, unless I assume that you're responding about how I said that, unfortunately, we won't have any cutesy stories about getting knocked up the old-fashioned way. I wouldn't even "bother" a child as to how they were made. If they were older and they asked, I would explain it to them, saying that it was even more special, because they were truly wanted and that we did everything humanly possible to get them there, and that makes them a special blessing.
You have no right to get defensive because I was offended by your "phrasing". Perhaps you need to need to figure out exactly what you want to write before you get diarrhea of the mouth. Perhaps you need to be fully educated about what you're commenting about. I'd never dream saying "well, just don't make yourself throw up" or "just eat" to you, since you say you have an eating disorder, because that's a rude and ignorant comment, not a "realistic" one. A good example of a "realistic" comment might be "sorry you're having a hard time-I hope you can work through it". Oh, yeah, it's also empathetic. Just another hint, there.
Don't get pissy because you weren't understood, or that I didn't agree with you. It's your own fault. Don't think you can troll my blog, give me lame assvice, and not expect retribution. Because, as you can see, you're not the only one that reads my blog. And I can't be responsible for what happens after that. This is a public domain-you have the right to make your comments, just as I have a right to show you that what you said was shitty and uncalled for. And you have no right to be pissed off for that-it's your own damn fault.
And yes, I said "trolled". Because that's what you are-a Troll. Going from blog to blog and leaving your assvice across the blogosphere. Because I'm not the only one you did this to-you trolled another person's blog and blasted a commenter for something YOU didn't agree with . Oh, poor us-we disagreed with your concept of how the world should be. So sorry, thought I was allowed to, considering it IS my blog. And I have just as much of a right to defend what I've written, considering that it's MY reality and what I go through every day.
I'm not denying or confirming that you've been through hard times and they're a part of your "tapestry", but, as far as I'm concerned, infertility ain't one of them, sister. Maybe if you went into detail as to those horrific things that happened, I might not be so "aggressively pissed off". Perhaps you need to fix what's wrong with YOUR life (a man who claims that he "doesn't love you", that you have two children with? Being so "bored" while on maternity leave that you're a shopaholic and making your partner pay double the mortgage?) before you start feeling the need to fix what's lacking in mine. I'd rather pay a professional $150 an hour to do that than have you do it-at least a therapist doesn't try to make you feel like shit in the process.
Oh, and by the way, your last comment? "Those who take crap so terribly seriously can be weighed down by it and let it rule them, I dont."? Honey, I don't let my infertility "rule" me. I'm not "weighted down by it". I take it seriously because it's a DISEASE, you fuckwit. A DISEASE that, if untreated, will lead me to be CHILDLESS. Why wouldn't I take that seriously? Wouldn't you? Or are you so laid back that nothing bothers you? Or is that a defensive mechanism? You obviously don't let ANYTHING rule you, tact and common courtesy included.
Incidentally, that last line is also gramatically incorrect. A fractured
sentence, to be precise-just remember: Subject + Verb = Complete
Thought. Which yours obviously was not-it was neither complete, nor
though-out. Make that your homework, before you troll someone else's blog.
Just stay off of my blog. I don't need your assvice and shitty attitude-I am proud to be a Barren Bitch, part of a community that is strong, supportive and welcoming. I don't need your ignorance and your judgemental attitude. And I certainly don't need the stress right now.
And, if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.
Good luck with therapy, sweetie-it's obvious you desperately need it.