Saturday, July 01, 2006

Things On My Mind

Thanks for the replies. It makes it easier to know that this seems to be a common occurence. It's sad though-infertility is hard enough, but to not have that support system around you, when you need it the most, really sucks. That's what I hate about being infertile-it's so isolating. You isolate yourself because most people really don't get it, and, after awhile, don't want to hear about it (like Shelli said-and I remember when you went through that), so they start to avoid you. There are friends that I haven't seen in months, because they probably feel awkward around us. Does it suck? Yeah. Would I do the same thing, if I weren't going through this? Maybe. Let's be honest here-if I were a Fertile I would not even begin to understand what someone who has to go through treatment is dealing with. Just like I, as a woman with no children (with the possibility of not being able to have my own children) don't understand the emotional complexity of secondary IF. I do try to put it in their perspective, though-it must not be easy to hear about constantly, perhaps it makes perfectly fertile people feel guilty, and I do try not to speak of it too much, unless I'm specifically asked about it. But, how does that help me, emotionally?

Thank God for this blog. Thank God that it led me to people who DO get it, and that it shows that I'm not a freak; that everything I feel is what others feel and is normal.

Anyway, I think that the best advice, for now, is to just put a little bit of distance between us. As to whether or not I'm going to lay it all on the table....I think that, eventually, I will say something, but not now. I need to step back and not let my emotions get in the way of it, because if that happened I'd end up freaking out on her, and that's not what I want to do-I don't want to necessarily end our friendship, but I do want her to know what's going on and how I feel about it. So, all in good time...

I do know that she's being a selfish cow, but I honestly think that it's not intentional-she truly doesn't realize that she's being self-absorbed. Sean thinks that, because of her divorce and dealings with the asshat, she lets herself get worked up and stressed about him and it boils over into her entire life. Which I don't altogether disagree with. She has reflux and has to take Nexium every day, and also had anxiety issues in the past. I've told her that perhaps therapy would help (not in a snide way) with how she deals with things. Whether or not she actually did that is, well......another thing.

In an aside to all this, the twato called her yesterday and told her that her FSH, prolactin and prostaglandin levels are all elevated above normal, which could either be because she's perimenopausal, or possibly an autoimmune disorder, like MS or rheumatoid arthritis. Her uncle (dad's brother) has MS and her dad has RA, so now she's freaking out again, and has to go for more doesn't get easier, does it?

So, 9 days until my meeing with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over my FET protocol. I've got lots of questions to ask (I love her, because she loves when you ask LOTS of questions). I did realize that, if all goes according to my cycle, I'll get AF around 7/13-15, which will put my transfer (if we're doing a natural cycle) at around the last days of July. Which was when I had my first FET. The one that got me pregnant. The one that I also miscarried.

Concidence? Perhaps. Does it freak me out? Uh........yeah. But, I can't worry about it. I'm supposed to be "stress-free" this summer (according to Sean-he takes his job very seriously), and I can't let things freak me out.

Not yet, at least.


ePixie29 said...

good luck with remaining stress and freak out free this summer!

Shelli said...

it sounds like you've come to a peaceful place with all of this.

We'll be in Portland during this next cycle, but back in town for teh beta. adn crossign fingers and EVERYTHING. they say that holding a baby can bring you luck. Boo Boo baby bite face is waiting to be held! :)


Meg said...

I am also under orders to remain relaxed, ha! My transfer will also be around the end of July, so we will be sitting out the 2ww together, looks like.

I think you made the right decision with your friend. I made the foolish mistake of trying to confront it when space might have been enough, and looks like I've lost someone I counted as among my best friends. Not that she shouldn't have been more supportive, but blah.

It IS isolating. People's avoidance makes things very lonely.

Meg x

KIMMER said...

I can't wait to hear your protocol. Who the hell remains stress free? Ha ha...

dawn said...

Good luck with everything! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that all goes well with the transfer.

ilyse said...

You seem to be ok with everything with your friend and just accepting it. That is good. Lots of luck on your follow up with Dr Pipsqueak. I will be looking forward to hearing the new protocol.