Goodbye, Handsome Boy

On Wednesday, we had to make the hardest decision that we've yet to make in our marriage.

We had to let Buddy go.

It was agonizing to make-but realistically, we knew that it was the best choice, that we were being selfish if we didn't go through with it. Since Saturday, he had gone downhill-he was barely eating....all he wanted was water, and would barely drink any. He was also starting to have difficulty going up and down the stairs, and was so lethargic. He urinated on the bed several times (a few times in his sleep) in the middle of the night and didn't bother to clean himself afterward. Waking up at 3:30 on Wednesday morning to a soiled bed, and then trying to clean Buddy's paws with baby shampoo because he can't clean himself was the reality slap for us......we knew that it would only get worse for him from here on in. And, that wasn't fair to him-he deserved better than that from us.

Sean made the appointment for Thursday afternoon, and took him to our vet. Being that I just started my new job, we felt that there wasn't any way that I could take the time. I think that it was also easier for Sean this way-he could focus on Buddy and not on me losing control (which would have happened if I was there). Of course, I feel guilty as hell; as if I had abandoned him when he needed me the most. I was his mommy, and I wasn't there-it's something that I need to come to terms with, eventually. Leaving for work on Thursday knowing that he wouldn't be there when I came home was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't want to let him go-I was trying to memorize how he felt, the texture of his fur, his eyes, his smell.

Sean said that when the vet examined him, he could feel the lumps throughout his abdomen, where the cancer had obviously spread through his colon. He reassured us that we were doing the right thing. He also commended us on how we went over and above what others would have done in the same situation.

Of course we did-he was our baby. We had to try to save his life.

We decided to have him cremated, in the end....I couldn't bear having him put in a communal grave and left alone. He will be with us, where he belongs.

Those who had the experience of being around him knew that he was just about the sweetest, most loving cat. He hated to be held for long amounts of time, but would constantly crawl into your lap and look up at you with his big green eyes. He loved his mousey "Marvin",chewing on the shower curtain liner (even though he knew it drove me crazy), trying to see if he could sneak into the bathroom and drink out of the toilet, and loved lying in your lap. He would wait for you either at the door or would be watching out at the window to see you pull into the driveway. He even loved his sister; and, although she kicked the crap out of him at times, he was the first to go up to her and clean her head with his tongue and lie next to her.

What I remember especially about Buddy is when we found out about our miscarriage, four years ago. There I was, sobbing in bed after the phone call from the RE, and he climbed up into my lap, touched me gently on the face with his paw, and looked up at me. His eyes looked right into my soul, telling me that everything was going to be alright. He had that way about him-he could actually communicate with you through his eyes. It was one of the things that we realized was missing in the past few days-that ability to "talk" to you with his eyes. At the end, there was a blankness there that was absolutely heartbreaking. We knew then that we had to do the best thing for him, even though it was the worst thing for us. He was at least with someone who loved him, in the end. He wasn't totally alone.

Goodbye, my handsome boy. You've left a void in my heart that nothing can replace right now. You were my baby-perhaps the only baby I'll ever live to have. I hope you can forgive us for trying to do the right thing, and that you're in Heaven, knowing no pain, and feeling free and happy.

These words written here will never begin to express how much I will always miss you, and how much you've affected my life. Thank you for loving us unconditionally, for the gift of your companionship. We love you and will never, ever forget you.

Hello? Is it Me You're Looking For?

Anyone still out there? *knocking on monitor screen*

I'm still around, really. I've inadvertently taken a little "blogcation", although it wasn't my original intention. There's been so much going on here, and lots of changes have happened, and, really, since I'm not cycling at the moment I felt like all my posts had that "woe is me, I'm a bitter infertile bitch wah wah wah" type of repetition thing starting to happen, and seriously.....who wants to read that shit over and over again?

It was even starting to annoy me. So, there we go.

A basic update: We found out the end of October that the kitty chemo didn't work, so they offered the option of an oral chemo protocol. It had less of a chance of working and really didn't have a great life expetancy, so we had to make the decision to stop Buddy's treatments. They sent us home with prenisolone, gave us about a month. Buddy is still with us, but we've noticed the past week that he's started to noticeably slow down. He's also started things like going outside the litter box (the best was coming home on Thursday to find that he peed on our brand new comforter set, and he's pooped on the floor). So I really think that it's going to be sooner rather than later, which totally blows ass, but really, he's lasted two months longer than the doctors said he would, so at least we've had extra time with him. It still blows large monkey balls, though.

I also started a new teaching job, mid-year, in a MUCH better district (teaching middle school music AND drama-woot). I started this past Monday, LOVE IT, and am exhausted with trying to get organized and used to the new routine, which is totally different than elementary school music. Everyone is really nice and have been so welcoming, which is foreign to me, given that I came from a school where almost nobody talked to me my first year there. Let's just say that I had really no hesitation when the job was offered to me....

As for where I'm at with cycling.....who the hell knows. Sean seems to be under the delusion that I'll get pregnant on my own. However, since we all know that I am NOT the Blessed Mother, I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work. I'm still doing acupuncture weekly and will start herbs, just for shits and giggles. Since I've changed jobs and health insurance carriers, I'm not sure how this will work, so I'm going to be totally optimistic and say that perhaps we'll cycle in the summer, if I can convince Sean that we won't get busted by the insurance company. Watch what happens, though-because I've just started a new job and I'm no longer tenured, I'll be one of "those people" and get knocked up on my own, after downing two bottles of vino, a joint and some processed food, and after only ONE NIGHT of the sexing, post-ovulation. Why? Because that's just my damn luck, that's why.

Ah, just the delusion of that makes me giggle.

So, my New Year's resolution is to blog more, because if I don't, I've found that I'm a total bitch to everyone around me. This little blog has kept me sane; or, at least as sane as I can be. To that end, I'm now finishing my post on our brandy-new iMac, which is bitchin'! We picked it up yesterday from the lovely Fed Ex people, and it was idiot-proof to set up, which is partly the reason why we got it.....so Sean doesn't end up downloading mega-viruses and deleting half the hard drive, which is what he did to the PC we had ("but, babe....I thought that you were SUPPOSED to click on the flashing window!"). I totally love this thing, and if I weren't already married I'd take out a Domestic Partnership license for this mofo. Because, I'm weird like that.

Seriously though.....let the snarkiness begin