Friday, January 16, 2009

Goodbye, Handsome Boy

On Wednesday, we had to make the hardest decision that we've yet to make in our marriage.

We had to let Buddy go.

It was agonizing to make-but realistically, we knew that it was the best choice, that we were being selfish if we didn't go through with it. Since Saturday, he had gone downhill-
he was barely eating....all he wanted was water, and would barely drink any. He was also starting to have difficulty going up and down the stairs, and was so lethargic. He urinated on the bed several times (a few times in his sleep) in the middle of the night and didn't bother to clean himself afterward. Waking up at 3:30 on Wednesday morning to a soiled bed, and then trying to clean Buddy's paws with baby shampoo because he can't clean himself was the reality slap for us......we knew that it would only get worse for him from here on in. And, that wasn't fair to him-he deserved better than that from us.

Sean made the appoint
ment for Thursday afternoon, and took him to our vet. Being that I just started my new job, we felt that there wasn't any way that I could take the time. I think that it was also easier for Sean this way-he could focus on Buddy and not on me losing control (which would have happened if I was there). Of course, I feel guilty as hell; as if I had abandoned him when he needed me the most. I was his mommy, and I wasn't there-it's something that I need to come to terms with, eventually. Leaving for work on Thursday knowing that he wouldn't be there when I came home was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't want to let him go-I was trying to memorize how he felt, the texture of his fur, his eyes, his smell.

Sean said that when the vet examined him, he could feel the lumps throughout his abdomen, where the cancer had obviously spread through his colon. He reassured us that we were doing the right thing. He also commended us on how we went over and above what others would have done in the same situation.

Of course we did-he was our
baby. We had to try to save his life.

We decided to have him cremated, in the end....I couldn't bear having him put in a communal grave and left al
one. He will be with us, where he belongs.

Those who had the experience of being around him knew that he was just about the sweetest, most loving cat. He hated to be held for long amounts of time, but would constantly crawl into your lap and look up at you with his big green eyes. He loved his mousey "Marvin",chewing on the shower curtain liner (even though he knew it drove me crazy), trying to see if he could sneak into the bathroom and drink out of the toilet, and loved lying in your lap. He would wait for you either at the doo
r or would be watching out at the window to see you pull into the driveway. He even loved his sister; and, although she kicked the crap out of him at times, he was the first to go up to her and clean her head with his tongue and lie next to her.

What I remember especially about Buddy is when we found out about our miscarriage, four years ago. There I was, sobbing in bed after the phone call from the RE, and he climbed up into my lap, touched me gently on the face with his paw, and looked up at me. His eyes looked right into my soul, telling me that everything was going to be alright. He had that way about him-he could actually communicate with you through his eyes. It was one of the things that we realized was missing in the past few days-that ability to "talk" to you with his eyes. At the end, there was a blankness there that was absolutely heartbreaking. We knew then that we had to do the best thing for him, even though it was the worst thing for us. He was at least with someone who loved him, in the end. He wasn't totally alone.

Goodbye, my handsom
e boy. You've left a void in my heart that nothing can replace right now. You were my baby-perhaps the only baby I'll ever live to have. I hope you can forgive us for trying to do the right thing, and that you're in Heaven, knowing no pain, and feeling free and happy.

These words written here will never begin to express how much I will always miss you, and how much you've affected my life. Thank you for loving us unconditionally, for the gift of your com
panionship. We love you and will never, ever forget you.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about your precious baby.

Anonymous said...

Oh, S.....I am so so so sorry about your baby Buddy. I'm looking at my babies right now and just feeling your pain. Buddy is now able to comfort you from Heaven....another angel on your side.

squarepeg said...

I'm so so sorry. We had to go through the same thing with Kitty a few years ago - same problem. She had some sort of lymphoma, we kept her on steroids for a couple of months, but eventually we had to make the same choice. It was, and is still, heartbreaking. We also chose to cremate her and we still have her remains. There was no way we would ever leave her behind. She was our baby.

I know that you're little guy will always be with you. Hang in there.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry.

Shelli said...

oh. I'm tearing up. It's SO SO hard. Just. So. Hard.
Love you.

K said...

I'm so sorry. We've been there too and it's so hard.


jessica said...

I'm so sorry. I just lost my dog and know the pain you are feeling. Remember the good times with your sweet kitty and know that he knows you did the most loving thing you can possibly do for an animal by ending his pain.

Anonymous said...

He sure was handsome. I bet he stole all the girls hearts. take care.

astral said...

I'm so sorry about Buddy. {{hugs}}

Kim said...

There aren't any words to tell you how very, very sorry I am for your loss. Reading about Buddy brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.

We had to make the same decision about our Demon cat a year ago, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But it was the right decision, as I know you know. As hard as it is, letting Buddy go was the last great act of kindness you did for him, and where ever he is, I know he knows you did it because you love him so much.

KimboSue said...

Awww...I'm so sorry. I cried when I read Buddy's story. My heart feels the same way for animals. I am glad he will always be with you.

Stephanie Jean-Louis said...

I am so sorry about Buddy. It's not easy losing a beloved pet. I have my Molly's ashes from her cremation 10 1/2 years ago and I still get teary.

Lisa said...

All pets are a part of the family... when I was younger, we had to put several pets down because of failing health. It is so hard especially when they are around for 10-15 years or longer. They become a part of you just like a child or in my case a brother or sister. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your handsome and very cute boy!!