Since I'm not cycling right now, it's a bit weird blogging....I mean, what is there to write about? I'm not hormonal or bloated (not counting the FAT that's accumulated around my middle again...sheesh), shooting up fertility meds or massaging the Strawberry Shortcake-bandaided-covered lumps of progesterone on my ass.
Oh, wait.....not yet, at least. That fun is coming soon enough
It makes life rather boring, in a sick, demented sort of way.
So, I've been going for weekly acupuncture for almost a year now, and this time around the acu has also prescribed me some Chinese herbs to "help" things along. She feels that it will balance my reproductive system and "prep" it for a new cycle, if I don't get pregnant first.
Seriously......the only thing that this has helped, at least so far, is in activating my colon. OMG....the GAS! And the POOP! And the GAS.....ugh.
Last month she put me on this 4-phase formula that didn't work. When I got AF last week, she decided, after going through my Chinese diagnosis (Blood Stasis and Kidney Yang deficiency) and Western dx (blocked tubes), I got an herbal mix that is supposed to "Resolve" my lower system. It's in capsule form that I have to take three times daily (three caps a day). Luckily it doesn't taste like ass, so it isn't too bad. Being the dorkus maximus that I am, I looked up the herbs and I figured that nothing in them will make me sprout another leg from my body, so I should be all right. The pamphlet that she gave me with the pills did specifically state that it was good for tubal occlusion and blood stasis, cysts, and endo, so I guess that I've got all bases covered.
Oh, God.....did I mention the GAS?!?! And the SMELL from the GAS!?!?! And the SHEER VOLUME OF SOUND it makes!?!? Urgh...it's like I've got a duck speaking out of my ass. Or a small rhino. Or the entire contents of the Amazon. It's scary how much gas I have. SERIOUSLY. I kid you NOT.
Oh, yeah-I'm also supposed to avoid "cold" foods, and red meat, so I guess that means no ice cream on my filet mignon. Oh, well. Actually, I'm afraid to eat, since everything that goes in my mouth smells like the Plague coming out. I'm afraid to look at the sheets, in case there's scorch marks. Or shart marks (c'mon, you've got to know what a "shart" is!? I'm SO not going there unless I have to!).
Really, though-there's a purpose to this, right? I mean, besides being a stinky thirtysomething who gets a panic attack thinking that there's noxious gas leaking out of her rectum which will kill upon contact?
Although, my butt could be considered a WMD.....or perhaps our new Adminstration can use it to find an alternative to our energy crisis......I could make millions! IVF for everyone! Yay!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Catharsis
So.....it's been exactly a month since I've posted.
It's been a tough month.
First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words. The whole ordeal with Buddy left such a void within me. It hits me at certain times-if I'm snuggled up relaxing on the couch and realizing that there's no kitty to jump into my lap, or in the mornings. Some days are easier than others, but I'm still plodding along.
Sean and I hit a breaking point a few weeks ago with this whole IF bullshit. We've both felt a disconnect in our marriage for a while now, and difficulty communicating with one another, physically, emotionally and literally. We were arguing more and more about stupid things, and the whole sexing thing was......well, another shitty job to get through.
About two weeks ago we got into a HUGE argument-huge enough that I took my car keys and left the house, because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was probably one of the few times in my marriage that I seriously considered separation, because there was NO WAY that I could see the two of us staying together without killing one another. After about an hour I came home, and we both laid down the law-something had to change, or our marriage wouldn't survive.
It was a sobering thought. We talked, REALLY talked, for probably the first time since we started doing IF treatments-about the pressure put on ourselves in regards to having children, the disappointments, how hard it is. Until this point, Sean had never really expressed how he felt about what we've gone through, so I just assumed that he was either being naive or didn't really care as much as me, since it wasn't "his problem". I learned that night that he is hurting just as much as I am. He also never really talked about treatments, and how he felt about going ahead with another cycle. He wants to, but not at the expense of our marriage, which I can understand.
I don't think that, until that moment, I ever truly confided in him about what hell going into treatments is for me, and the toll the negative outcomes of our cycling has taken on me emotionally. He did suggest that perhaps we need to speak to a counselor about this, because it is a huge stress on our marriage, and maybe he's right. What I do know is that we can't go on the way we had been and make things work.
It was a catharsis of sorts, for both of us. We needed to get it all out on the table, so that we both know where we stand in all this.
So.....what's the deal?
We will cycle again, probably in the summertime.
I will get into the best shape physically and emotionally to help things along.
We are taking more time for us.
We are trying to come to terms with the fact that perhaps it will be just the two of us.
It's not easy, but we're taking it one day at a time. That's all we can do, right?
It's been a tough month.
First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words. The whole ordeal with Buddy left such a void within me. It hits me at certain times-if I'm snuggled up relaxing on the couch and realizing that there's no kitty to jump into my lap, or in the mornings. Some days are easier than others, but I'm still plodding along.
Sean and I hit a breaking point a few weeks ago with this whole IF bullshit. We've both felt a disconnect in our marriage for a while now, and difficulty communicating with one another, physically, emotionally and literally. We were arguing more and more about stupid things, and the whole sexing thing was......well, another shitty job to get through.
About two weeks ago we got into a HUGE argument-huge enough that I took my car keys and left the house, because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was probably one of the few times in my marriage that I seriously considered separation, because there was NO WAY that I could see the two of us staying together without killing one another. After about an hour I came home, and we both laid down the law-something had to change, or our marriage wouldn't survive.
It was a sobering thought. We talked, REALLY talked, for probably the first time since we started doing IF treatments-about the pressure put on ourselves in regards to having children, the disappointments, how hard it is. Until this point, Sean had never really expressed how he felt about what we've gone through, so I just assumed that he was either being naive or didn't really care as much as me, since it wasn't "his problem". I learned that night that he is hurting just as much as I am. He also never really talked about treatments, and how he felt about going ahead with another cycle. He wants to, but not at the expense of our marriage, which I can understand.
I don't think that, until that moment, I ever truly confided in him about what hell going into treatments is for me, and the toll the negative outcomes of our cycling has taken on me emotionally. He did suggest that perhaps we need to speak to a counselor about this, because it is a huge stress on our marriage, and maybe he's right. What I do know is that we can't go on the way we had been and make things work.
It was a catharsis of sorts, for both of us. We needed to get it all out on the table, so that we both know where we stand in all this.
So.....what's the deal?
We will cycle again, probably in the summertime.
I will get into the best shape physically and emotionally to help things along.
We are taking more time for us.
We are trying to come to terms with the fact that perhaps it will be just the two of us.
It's not easy, but we're taking it one day at a time. That's all we can do, right?
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