Monday, February 16, 2009

The "All-Naturale" Approach

Since I'm not cycling right now, it's a bit weird blogging....I mean, what is there to write about? I'm not hormonal or bloated (not counting the FAT that's accumulated around my middle again...sheesh), shooting up fertility meds or massaging the Strawberry Shortcake-bandaided-covered lumps of progesterone on my ass.

Oh, wait.....not yet, at least. That fun is coming soon enough

It makes life rather boring, in a sick, demented sort of way.

So, I've been going for weekly acupuncture for almost a year now, and this time around the acu has also prescribed me some Chinese herbs to "help" things along. She feels that it will balance my reproductive system and "prep" it for a new cycle, if I don't get pregnant first.

Seriously......the only thing that this has helped, at least so far, is in activating my colon. OMG....the GAS! And the POOP! And the GAS.....ugh.

Last month she put me on this 4-phase formula that didn't work. When I got AF last week, she decided, after going through my Chinese diagnosis (Blood Stasis and Kidney Yang deficiency) and Western dx (blocked tubes), I got an herbal mix that is supposed to "Resolve" my lower system. It's in capsule form that I have to take three times daily (three caps a day). Luckily it doesn't taste like ass, so it isn't too bad. Being the dorkus maximus that I am, I looked up the herbs and I figured that nothing in them will make me sprout another leg from my body, so I should be all right. The pamphlet that she gave me with the pills did specifically state that it was good for tubal occlusion and blood stasis, cysts, and endo, so I guess that I've got all bases covered.

Oh, God.....did I mention the GAS?!?! And the SMELL from the GAS!?!?! And the SHEER VOLUME OF SOUND it makes!?!?'s like I've got a duck speaking out of my ass. Or a small rhino. Or the entire contents of the Amazon. It's scary how much gas I have. SERIOUSLY. I kid you NOT.

Oh, yeah-I'm also supposed to avoid "cold" foods, and red meat, so I guess that means no ice cream on my filet mignon. Oh, well. Actually, I'm afraid to eat, since everything that goes in my mouth smells like the Plague coming out. I'm afraid to look at the sheets, in case there's scorch marks. Or shart marks (c'mon, you've got to know what a "shart" is!? I'm SO not going there unless I have to!).

Really, though-there's a purpose to this, right? I mean, besides being a stinky thirtysomething who gets a panic attack thinking that there's noxious gas leaking out of her rectum which will kill upon contact?

Although, my butt could be considered a WMD.....
or perhaps our new Adminstration can use it to find an alternative to our energy crisis......I could make millions! IVF for everyone! Yay!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for this hilarious post. It's a welcome change from all the baby-filled former IF blogs I've been reading lately.

Heather said...

You made me laugh with this post. I also had help from an acupuncturist before we started our next IVF cycle and I swear he helped so much. I did take herbs and he did change them a few times to balance what he was doing and I remember having some gaseous changes too!

Shalini said...

hahaha ... this sounds like me and my ass's relationship with progesterone.

UGH... but thanks for the laugh!

btw I've nominated you for honest scrap. =)

Anonymous said...

Very funny post! And yes, in Oz we do understand the 'shart' reference. I live in a house where hubby is on fire ALL the time so this was hilarious!
Be well and take care.

Anonymous said...

I finally stopped taking the one TCM herb that was causing my and I have the same TCM patterns. Ugh!! I bet together we would've made a hell of a symphony. We could've invited everyone to our concert with a flier indicating BYOGM (bring your own gas mask). Fortunately I have two dogs to blame it on.

Thanks for the laughter!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious...I hope my posts become just as funny...I am trying to find the humor in the posts. We are going through the IVF for the first time. Starting next week...follow us if you like at

I'll be checking back to see how you do, and adding you to my blogroll.

Phoebe said...

Just found your blog from your comment on another blog.

I've seen many an acupuncturist. If you have gas after starting an new herbal formula, you are probably on the wrong formula. I once had loose stools a lot. When I switched acus, I realized it was the herbs the old acu was prescribing me. The new acu was much better at giving me herbs that didn't upset my stomach!

Reproductive Health said...

Acupuncture seems to help some women because it improves circulation to the ovaries, which makes for healthier egg and to the uterus, which increases the chances that the lining will be strong enough to hold those eggs to full-term.