Since I'm not cycling right now, it's a bit weird blogging....I mean, what is there to write about? I'm not hormonal or bloated (not counting the FAT that's accumulated around my middle again...sheesh), shooting up fertility meds or massaging the Strawberry Shortcake-bandaided-covered lumps of progesterone on my ass.
Oh, wait.....not yet, at least. That fun is coming soon enough
It makes life rather boring, in a sick, demented sort of way.
So, I've been going for weekly acupuncture for almost a year now, and this time around the acu has also prescribed me some Chinese herbs to "help" things along. She feels that it will balance my reproductive system and "prep" it for a new cycle, if I don't get pregnant first.
Seriously......the only thing that this has helped, at least so far, is in activating my colon. OMG....the GAS! And the POOP! And the GAS.....ugh.
Last month she put me on this 4-phase formula that didn't work. When I got AF last week, she decided, after going through my Chinese diagnosis (Blood Stasis and Kidney Yang deficiency) and Western dx (blocked tubes), I got an herbal mix that is supposed to "Resolve" my lower system. It's in capsule form that I have to take three times daily (three caps a day). Luckily it doesn't taste like ass, so it isn't too bad. Being the dorkus maximus that I am, I looked up the herbs and I figured that nothing in them will make me sprout another leg from my body, so I should be all right. The pamphlet that she gave me with the pills did specifically state that it was good for tubal occlusion and blood stasis, cysts, and endo, so I guess that I've got all bases covered.
Oh, God.....did I mention the GAS?!?! And the SMELL from the GAS!?!?! And the SHEER VOLUME OF SOUND it makes!?!? Urgh...it's like I've got a duck speaking out of my ass. Or a small rhino. Or the entire contents of the Amazon. It's scary how much gas I have. SERIOUSLY. I kid you NOT.
Oh, yeah-I'm also supposed to avoid "cold" foods, and red meat, so I guess that means no ice cream on my filet mignon. Oh, well. Actually, I'm afraid to eat, since everything that goes in my mouth smells like the Plague coming out. I'm afraid to look at the sheets, in case there's scorch marks. Or shart marks (c'mon, you've got to know what a "shart" is!? I'm SO not going there unless I have to!).
Really, though-there's a purpose to this, right? I mean, besides being a stinky thirtysomething who gets a panic attack thinking that there's noxious gas leaking out of her rectum which will kill upon contact?
Although, my butt could be considered a WMD.....or perhaps our new Adminstration can use it to find an alternative to our energy crisis......I could make millions! IVF for everyone! Yay!