Waiting is all I seem to do lately.
Wait for a call for a job interview. Wait for a call afterwards for a job offer (on the occasions that I DO get an interview). Wait for another rejection letter or just no response from a prospective employer.
Wait for a donor profile to come our way.
Waiting sucks. But, it's teaching me to have more patience, to realize that sometimes the good things that happen in life are the ones worth waiting for, and that I can't force something to happen that's not quite ready to occur.
I still hate waiting, though. We're on to month 5 in the Donor Match Extravaganza. Back in September we had to fill out a 10 page document about ourselves, our personalities, physical characteristics, what we want in a donor in terms of physical characteristics and personality, and attach some pictures (which was GREAT for my self-esteem since I'm really not at my physical best). We met with the psychologist who is in charge of the matching procedure to talk about the psychosocial issues that go along with using a donor (ie. do we tell a child, and if so, when, how to deal with family, etc.), although I did think initially it was to make sure that we hadn't boarded the whackadoo bus and decided on a one-way ticket to Crazy Town. Although, if this waiting game continues, I might just have to consider it.....
The only way I can describe this point of the process is that it's a lot like getting picked for the kickball team when you're in elementary school. As the months go by with no call, it feels a lot like being one of the last two kids left to be chosen for the team-the one who has the crappy reflexes or who can't run fast enough. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer we wait, the better the match will be, but the feeling that perhaps they won't find a match (which I know is irrational, but who said any of this is rational to begin with?) still tries to grab hold of your psyche. That is the danger of this whole waiting game-that maybe it's going to be too hard to find someone appropriate, and I can't let myself get freaked out with the "what if's". It's shitty enough that I'm reevaluating my whole choice in career, given the witch hunt public education is becoming around here (although NJ isn't the only state to do this), but the thought of a "corporate" job makes my stomach heave-I hated it the first time around before I figured out what I wanted to do and started teaching. Again, this is one of the things that I can't change right now, as much as I badly want to.
Just breathe, I tell myself. If the wheel turns down toward the ground, it must go back up again towards the sun.
Did I mention that I hate waiting?