Monday, February 06, 2012

Waiting

Waiting is all I seem to do lately.

Wait for a call for a job interview.  Wait for a call afterwards for a job offer (on the occasions that I DO get an interview).  Wait for another rejection letter or just no response from a prospective employer.

Wait for a donor profile to come our way.

Waiting sucks.  But, it's teaching me to have more patience, to realize that sometimes the good things that happen in life are the ones worth waiting for, and that I can't force something to happen that's not quite ready to occur.

I still hate waiting, though.  We're on to month 5 in the Donor Match Extravaganza.  Back in September we had to fill out a 10 page document about ourselves, our personalities, physical characteristics, what we want in a donor in terms of physical characteristics and personality, and attach some pictures (which was GREAT for my self-esteem since I'm really not at my physical best).  We met with the psychologist who is in charge of the matching procedure to talk about the psychosocial issues that go along with using a donor (ie. do we tell a child, and if so, when, how to deal with family, etc.), although I did think initially it was to make sure that we hadn't boarded the whackadoo bus and decided on a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.  Although, if this waiting game continues, I might just have to consider it.....
 
The only way I can describe this point of the process is that it's a lot like getting picked for the kickball team when you're in elementary school.  As the months go by with no call, it feels a lot like being one of the last two kids left to be chosen for the team-the one who has the crappy reflexes or who can't run fast enough.  I keep trying to tell myself that the longer we wait, the better the match will be, but the feeling that perhaps they won't find a match (which I know is irrational, but who said any of this is rational to begin with?) still tries to grab hold of your psyche.  That is the danger of this whole waiting game-that maybe it's going to be too hard to find someone appropriate, and I can't let myself get freaked out with the "what if's".  It's shitty enough that I'm reevaluating my whole choice in career, given the witch hunt public education is becoming around here (although NJ isn't the only state to do this), but the thought of a "corporate" job makes my stomach heave-I hated it the first time around before I figured out what I wanted to do and started teaching.  Again, this is one of the things that I can't change right now, as much as I badly want to.

Just breathe, I tell myself.  If the wheel turns down toward the ground, it must go back up again towards the sun.

Did I mention that I hate waiting?





7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi. I'm very new to the IF Blog world, but I'm also LOVING it so far! I just wanted to stop in and say, in reference to this post... and to waiting... that I get it, and it truly might suck worse than anything else. At least for me so far. I'm currently waiting for (well the real list is too long to mention here) our first IVF cycle (after a failed IUI). I know that you have many more years of all of this hell behind you and therefore MUCH more experience with the frustration of waiting and everything else, but for me, the waiting part in all of this is truly painful. I just wanted you to know that I am going to start following your blog, if that's ok with you, and I'm another fellow IFer (Not formally diagnosed yet, but it seems I have premature ovarian failure) who is pulling for you and wishing you the best with your next step. I may very well end up facing a DE cycle myself, so, again... all the best to you as you continue to wait... and wait... and wait.
PS: I LOVE your egg background... I really laughed my ass off when I saw it. And I needed that! I'm going to add my url here, because for some reason it's not letting me comment when i leave mine in the identity box below. I'm very confused. But I'm at infertilefirstmom.wordpress.com

Heather said...

I hate waiting too. Lots of luck!

Shelli said...

I wish that your wait was over....

Love you

Anonymous said...

Still hoping and praying for you two.

Brittany said...

Love your blog. I am part of the fertility challenged so I feel yah!
Please see my blog, my infertility section may interest you.

brittanydayman.blogspot.com (Hit or miss)

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