So.....What Happens Now?

First of all, thanks for the kind words/comments/support from all of you out there in the Interweb.  I did read every one and it really did make me feel a bit better.  We really weren't surprised by the results, and, to be honest, weren't that gutted by the BFN.  Perhaps that's because we were still a bit numb from the DE failure (which was a blow), or maybe because, with only one embryo making it there really wasn't a fantastic chance to begin with, but we were actually able to deal with it quite well, all things considered.

Oh, and to the troll who posted that insanity?  You can go suck it. 

So, as to why I haven't posted.  Well.....it seems that I am now finally "gainfully employed".  It was official in August (in the midst of the cycle) so I didn't say anything, just in case something got screwed up.  But, thankfully everything went smoothly (for a change) and I am not teaching full-time, with a full-time salary AND BENEFITS!  Boo-fucking-ya, bitchez!  Needless to say, I've been running around like an asshole to get paperwork handed in, go to my new school and check out the scene and get ready for the new school year.   It's an inner-city elementary school (one of the largest in NJ) and yeah, it's not the greatest compared to where I've been in the past, but I really do like it so far.  The kids (I'm teaching 1st-5th grades, Special Ed and Bilingual classes) as a whole are great, the staff and administration is pretty supportive and I feel like I finally have a purpose, other than getting up in time to watch mindless daytime TV.  The district eliminated all it's K-8 performing arts teachers when our "illustrious" governor slashed the education budget a few years ago, so this school hasn't had music for almost three years.  It's really great to see how happy these kids are when I come in to teach.  It's been exhausting and stressful but definitely enjoyable.  So, we're getting back into the swing of things, finally.

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We finally had our follow-up with BIC about the latest failure the other day.  Dr. Pipsqueak showed us the PGD report-out of the five embryos tested, two had trisomy 22, one had trisomy 13, one was classified "multiple abnormalities" (I don't even want to think about what that would be) and, of course, the normal one that didn't implant.  She said that they went through every piece of testing that I've done and they can't see anything that would point to some hidden factor that's inhibiting a successful pregnancy, except for bad luck.  She felt that the donor, although she initially seemed a good match, really wasn't the right one for us since, out of the three cycles she donated (ours included) she only had one success.  Dr. Pipsqueak suggested that we try another round of DE, if we were up to it, and she let us know that they had a donor already in mind for us-apparently she's like the cash cow of egg donors.  She donated once before, and we were told that the recipient now has so many leftover embryos that "she can't use them all in one lifetime" (her exact words).  Because of this, they're suggesting a shared cycle with two other couples-one fresh and two frozen.  We were informed that, even though we had a failed cycle, we were still at the top of the list, and therefore would be the primary recipients (meaning we'd get the fresh cycle).  Hey, I've got insurance now, WITH donor egg coverage!  Sign us up!

Well, since I was conveniently on CD 3, they drew blood and she did my ultrasound.  I have a saline sonogram scheduled in about three weeks-she wants to check the tubes as she saw what she thinks is a paratubal cyst on one ovary, but she wants to make sure that it's not the tube itself (in which case I'd have to have the tubes closed off....hey, they don't work, so what's the big deal, right?).  Then I got some prescriptions (OCP, and two antibiotics I have to take before the SHG), then we met with the financial coordinators about insurance.

And that is when, folks, we found out that we have maxed out on insurance.  4 attempts, lifetime.  And in "lifetime" they mean my lifetime, not the lifetime of the policy.  And that means, it's time to self-pay.  Game over.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCKITYFUCK.  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME????

So, now we're faced with a choice.  Obviously we don't have the $26K to pay out for a cycle (damn Powerball), so the nice lady gave us the option to possibly seek financing from a company that only underwrites loans specifically for fertility treatments.  I did a little research and it's not disgustingly expensive, assuming we'd get approved-I guess that's the benefit of not having too much in the way of bills.  But.....ugh.  A loan.  Paying out of pocket.  We're finally getting back on our feet financially and now this?  I refuse, absolutely refuse to ask my family for money-it's not fair.  Do I want to pay for a loan for something that could potentially not work?  Not really.

Then I realized something-they're suggesting a shared cycle.  With two other couples.  That means all the donor fees (medical, compensation and prescriptions) should, in theory, be split three ways, right?  So I shoot an email to the Nice Financial Lady at the clinic asking the very same question.  I got a response yesterday that said that they are looking into what the costs are (my clinic very rarely, if at all, does shared cycles) and that they would send me a new cost breakdown once they figure it all out.  So, potentially, our costs could be cut in half, which is not so bad.

Are we doing it?  Once I get the numbers, we'll apply for the loan and see what happens.   If we're approved, then we'll discuss it.  If not.......well, then I guess we're done, for now.  Or maybe for good.  I just wish that I'd get a clear feeling/answer/whatever about it.  It always seems like every time we get ready to do this, something happens that's bad, then something pretty decent happens to even it out.  Of course, nothing REALLY GREAT happens in terms of a successful pregnancy, so I just don't know what to do or think anymore.  I feel like maybe God is testing me to see if I'll give in to the insanity one more time and have it fail, or maybe He's trying to open that door for good this time. 

Either way, decisions will have to be made, eventually.  When it's ready to happen.