You know the old saying, "when it rains, it pours"?
Yep. That's my life right now, in a nutshell. It seems as if everything's FUBAR.
Firstly, work is kicking my butt. I got new special ed classes added to my schedule this year-autistic kids. Who are nonverbal. Two who have "regular seizures" and are not on any medications. One of who had a seizure about half an hour after he left my class this morning.
Not much fun.
Then, my blog. For some reason, I no longer have my bitchin' graphic. Emails to Moodswing Creations are coming back to me with delivery failures, and the Moodswing site is down. So, no more bitchin' graphic, unless Denise contacts me.........hopefully everything's okay....
And then, I started spotting on 9/21. Since my period wasn't due until the 28th, and spotting for a week before isn't exactly normal, I called the RE's office. Who relayed that they wanted me in on Wednesday for bloodwork and a date with the wand.
Nurse Blondie called me back that afternoon-the wanding showed that I'm in my luteal phase (duh!), and they ran a beta just for shits and giggles.
Which came back at 2.61.
Since anything over 5 is considered preggo, I had to go back in on Friday for another bloodletting. Of course, I get my period within a half hour of getting home from the aforementioned bloodletting.
This beta came back at 2.7. So, back on Monday. I've now acquired a lovely bruise the size of a quarter on my right arm.
Monday's beta was 3.3. Still negative, as far as they were concerned. So, I have to go back in on the 8th for more torture........uh......I mean bloodwork.
Now, I asked Nurse Blondie why in the hell I would have any kind of beta number if I was so obviously not pregnant. She's calling it a "lab error" or "lab sensitivity". But......wouldn't the number be going down, not up? I did ask if I ever had this happen in any other cycling I did, and the answer was "no", so this definitely isn't normal for me. Of course, when you look up "HCG in non pregnant women", it comes up with wonderful references of ovarian tumors and pituitary tumors. God forbid. Anyone out there have this happen to them? Or am I just the only physiological freak here?
Isn't it the ultimate kick in the ass? Getting a beta number and knowing you're not pregnant-it's just another way that the universe is giving me the virtual finger and laughing hysterically.
Just my fucking bad luck, I guess. Honestly, though-I'm just tired of being the one who always has the crappy luck, though. I just want a baby. Why does that seem like it's too much to ask for?
9 comments:
Im sorry its so FUBAR in your neck of the woods...I cant imagine having to continually go back for beta testing...=( Hope it calms down for you soon!
Ugh! Hope things are looking up soon for you...
Sounds like a chemical to me - maybe an eggie fertilized, and had bad luck implanting? And the numbers are wiggling around a bit.
I doubt it's anything more than that. If there was something "off," the number would be scary high and wonky.
love to you.
Damn, I hope things get better. Sounds like a chemical to me also, wtf?
Hope work gets easier also.
I just love your writing. It's what's in my head, but don't dare say for fear of my family committing me!!! LOL! They are way too serious about all this.
I have had 4 "chemical" preggy-things, and one actual pregnancy that I lost well into it. My numbers are lucky enough to usually go all the way up to 15 or 20. Just high enough that I actually "miscarry" and am rendered with cramps on a much higher pain scale than the ones I already get that require vicoden, so what's a girl to do? I take 2! This last one, I have rebelled against the constant bloodletting...I never got my zero, and I don't care to...
Sigh...
Thanks.
Needed to get that out!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts and that it makes you want to throw over-ripe pears at the wall...(hey, don't judge...it works)
My graphic from Moodswing has mysteriously disappeared as well- all emails have not been returned. My computer geek husband says "Should have saved your graphic as local", but too little, too late. I've decided I'm going to redo my blogskin with a designer who has a better reputation, then save it locally.
It sounds like a chem preggo to me as well- hopefully the funky numbers will disappear soon...
Thinking of you and hope everything is ok.
I as searching for Denis as well, that's what brought me here. I hope everything's alright with her.
I know that she used to save her graphics in a Photobucket account and seems to have shut it down or deleted everything. Which is a shame because you'll never get that stuff back now.
Hopefully you're able to find a solution!
Hi there... I happened randomly upon your blog after Googling "infertility sucks"... and I really, really loved what you wrote here:
"Isn't it the ultimate kick in the ass? Getting a beta number and knowing you're not pregnant-it's just another way that the universe is giving me the virtual finger and laughing hysterically.
Just my fucking bad luck, I guess. Honestly, though-I'm just tired of being the one who always has the crappy luck, though. I just want a baby. Why does that seem like it's too much to ask for?"
God, I got tears in my eyes reading that. I *SO* understand what you were feeling when you wrote it. I just found out tonight that yet another one of my sleazy, irresponsible, idiot cousins is pregnant. ANOTHER ONE. AGAIN. They all complain about it. Yet here I sit, never even pregnant once in all these years, not so much as a blip on a pregnancy test or one happy day of wonderously, joyously wondering "am I?... could I be???"
Sometimes it's so hard to bear, isn't it? It truly SUCKS.
I hope that someday soon you get the healthy, beautiful babies that you deserve. I know it's not much consolation, but there are a lot of us out there going through the same things and feeling the same feelings. It's so hard.
lavenderbluedawn@aol.com
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