The results are in. Well......actually, the results were in last week, but in the craziness that is Holiday Winter Concert Season, I haven't been able to post until now.
The tests found nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. Nada. So there.
Granted, I am happy about that-I mean, I really don't need anything else wrong with me right now......seriously, infertility is more than enough. However, there's a part of me is a little disappointed, since if I had a thrombophilic disorder then maybe, just maybe, there'd be a missing piece to the puzzle as to why none of the IVF's haven't worked.
Is it fucked up that I sort of wanted another diagnosis? Perhaps. I just wanted a more concrete answer from the medical establishment, instead of "Well....we can't understand why this hasn't worked yet...". As much as I love Big Important Clinic, and think that they're awesome, any human being with that much medical experience who tells you that makes you more than slightly unnerved.
So. We're back to square one. Again. We've made the choice that we're going through our fourth (and probably last) cycle, probably starting the Long Lupron protocol in January or February, with a retrieval/transfer in March. I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. I do want to do the cycle, but I'm just so damn afraid that it will be another bust, and that I'll end up in some psych ward somewhere, because I won't be able to handle the failure. Hell, I already feel that way some days, so perhaps it really won't be that much different.
I'm just trying to distance myself from the whole fertility thing these days-self-preservation at it's best. And, although my IRL friends are trying to be as supportive as they can, considering they have no clue what I'm going through, it isn't helping me. They are trying to be hopeful for me, even though I feel as if there's no hope left. And, the upcoming holidays aren't helping either-this time of the year always makes me sad, because, to me, Christmas has increasingly become a holiday not of celebrating family, but mourning the family that I don't, and possibly can't ever, have. I have no desire to decorate, put up a tree, or even shop for family gifts. I'd be perfectly happy to just stay home, to be honest. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I also got not one, but three more pregnancy announcements in the past two months-even though they were two IVF-related pregnancy announcements (and one announcement from a fellow IF'er that was a natural conception), it still makes me so sad and angry. I'm angry at everyone lately, especially at God-WTF?? What the hell did I do that was so bad that I'm not pregnant?
Jaysus, it seems that all I ever do these days is whinge and whine when I post. Sorry for being Debbie Downer and all, but it's just that kind of lifetime, know what I mean?
Next posting will be all about the Church Job Drama; and trust me, it's a doozy.