Friday, December 14, 2007

Nothing, Nada, Niente

The results are in. Well......actually, the results were in last week, but in the craziness that is Holiday Winter Concert Season, I haven't been able to post until now.

The tests found nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. Nada. So there.

Granted, I am happy about that-I mean, I really don't need anything else wrong with me right now......seriously, infertility is more than enough. However, there's a part of me is a little disappointed, since if I had a thrombophilic disorder then maybe, just maybe, there'd be a missing piece to the puzzle as to why none of the IVF's haven't worked.

Is it fucked up that I sort of wanted another diagnosis? Perhaps. I just wanted a more concrete answer from the medical establishment, instead of "Well....we can't understand why this hasn't worked yet...". As much as I love Big Important Clinic, and think that they're awesome, any human being with that much medical experience who tells you that makes you more than slightly unnerved.

So. We're back to square one. Again. We've made the choice that we're going through our fourth (and probably last) cycle, probably starting the Long Lupron protocol in January or February, with a retrieval/transfer in March. I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. I do want to do the cycle, but I'm just so damn afraid that it will be another bust, and that I'll end up in some psych ward somewhere, because I won't be able to handle the failure. Hell, I already feel that way some days, so perhaps it really won't be that much different.

I'm just trying to distance myself from the whole fertility thing these days-self-preservation at it's best. And, although my IRL friends are trying to be as supportive as they can, considering they have no clue what I'm going through, it isn't helping me. They are trying to be hopeful for me, even though I feel as if there's no hope left. And, the upcoming holidays aren't helping either-this time of the year always makes me sad, because, to me, Christmas has increasingly become a holiday not of celebrating family, but mourning the family that I don't, and possibly can't ever, have. I have no desire to decorate, put up a tree, or even shop for family gifts. I'd be perfectly happy to just stay home, to be honest. But we all know that's not going to happen.

I also got not one, but three more pregnancy announcements in the past two months-even though they were two IVF-related pregnancy announcements (and one announcement from a fellow IF'er that was a natural conception), it still makes me so sad and angry. I'm angry at everyone lately, especially at God-WTF?? What the hell did I do that was so bad that I'm not pregnant?

Jaysus, it seems that all I ever do these days is whinge and whine when I post. Sorry for being Debbie Downer and all, but it's just that kind of lifetime, know what I mean?

Next posting will be all about the Church Job Drama; and trust me, it's a doozy.


Nikki said...

I can totally relate to wanting a diagnosis of some sort....good or bad. If there is a known problem, they can work to fix it right? I've actually at times been jealous of those with a diagnosis. I've always said 'I have The-We-Don't-Know-What's-Wrong-So-We-Can't-Fix-It Syndrome', just because I have come to loathe the word 'unexplained'.

About Christmas... Well, all I can say is go check out my blog, I recently wrote about that. I'm pretty sure that most, if not all of us Infertiles feel that sinking want to run and hide feeling around the holidays. Because I'm working this year, we've decided there will be no tree, no decorations. I'm not even upset about it, I've got bigger things on my mind.

Pregnancy announcements....ugh. I also just wrote about this yesterday. I feel a lot of jealously, anger, sadness and a whole lot of other ugly feelings. It has absolutely nothing to do with the people who are pregnant and everything to do with the dark depressed side of Infertility. I don't let myself feel too guilty about it very often because I feel like I have good reason for my emotions. Infertility SUCKS!!!!

I say whine all you want, this isn't something that gets easier with time like most things, it gets worse. I thought I felt horrible after trying for a year, then when I hit the two year mark, I laughed at myself because I was in the pit of hell. Then at three years, numbness set in on the outside, but I was hurting to the very core of my soul. Now I'm at almost 5 years and somedays I just want to lay down and never get up. Infertility is very emotionally crippling. When I read IF blogs, I rarely ever expect to see a lot of happy thoughts.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that you should whine, rant, pout, and cry all you want, there will always be people there who have your back!

Many hugs to you!


Shelli said...

I still love you.

ilyse said...

I am so sorry sweetie. ((((hugs))))

Alice said...

I'm with you. I have no desire to do any of it lately - which is sad, because I used to really, really love the holidays . . .

Beth said...

I completely understand. I have been telling my doctors for 3 years that I don't want anything to be wrong with me, but I do b/c I want an answer. I want something we can fix!!! Hang in there :)

Mrs.X said...

I stumbled onto your blog recently - there is nothing more frustrating than there being nothing wrong with you. I hope you hang in there even though this is so frustrating. We're all in a similar boat.

~Denise~ said...

Well, that just plain fucking sucks. I know about wanting to know a "cause", but not wanting something to actually be wrong. I'm sorry that there were no answers with the results.

Sending loads of good va-jayjay vibes for the upcoming try.

neko said...

I get it... we were happy *ok sorta* finding out about the Thrombophilia. So I get it. Whine, cry, scream all you want to chica. You have every right and I'd be pissed off too, really pissed off at everything and everyone right now. Sending you some love and a few sloppy internet hugs. As always, you are in my thoughts.