I'm Alive.....

This morning is the first time since Saturday that I've woken up and felt somewhat human. Not like a piece of sludge, which has defined basically the last five days. I've forgotten just how shitty the flu actually is-I haven't had it in YEARS, and boy, it SUCKS. Poor Sean-he was such a good nurse, despite my moaning and bitching and lying in the fetal position on a sweat-soaked bed (yeah, can you say "SHITTY PATIENT"?? I know you can!) and calling for my mommy (yeah, I did that too-I have no shame). I'm still really tired and achy, though. And, suddenly my nose has become a mass of sticky, yellowish snot (sorry for the graphics there) that's making me really glad that I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon, since I'm probably getting a sinus infection on top of it all. Ah, well, I haven't had my yearly sinus infection yet, so I guess I'm well overdue.

But wow, that was a bad one. I haven't been that sick in a long time. One of the positives (besides missing work this whole week-no church job, no sick kids....YAY!) is that I lost FIVE pounds! Considering I subsisted on a diet of 4 pieces of toast, three cups of tea, water and a bowl of chinese chicken rice soup in the five days I was really bad, I can see why. *Sigh*-I know it'll come back on again, especially since I'll be starting stims once I get my Luproperiod. Which should be soon, since I've starting the brown sludgy spotting. I just need to make sure the doctor knows so if I need drugs she'll know what to prescribe.

So.....yeah......I'm seeing a new GP today. I've been meaning to switch for AGES, since my original docs (who I LOVE) are really really too far away for me to get to. Like, over an hour away. Which not only makes it inconvenient for appointments, but if I ever needed to be admitted to a hospital, I'm screwed. So, luckily my health insurance doesn't require that you declare a primary doctor, so I can go to anyone. My regular twatotologist's wife is an internist, and when I went to him back in October he gave me a referral. I did intend to make a well visit appointment, but you know.....life gets in the way. And, now, here I am.

Okay, I'm off to have the first real breakfast in about a week-more than toast, that is. Eggs! Coffee! Oooh....can't wait.....

Watch, my stomach will probably rebel and I'll end up in the bathroom today. But, it's worth it.

Ugh

Here's the mathematical equation for the day, folks:

20cc of Lupron + the flu=one miserable person.

Yup-I've got the flu. I didn't feel great on Saturday night (scratchy throat), but I thought that it was allergies, but then it hit me full force yesterday morning. Ever try to shoot up when you've got a fever of 101 degrees? Yeah, it blows. At least I really didn't feel it, due to the achy feeling that's running throughout my body. I mean, even my TOES hurt. Sheesh.

Well, at least I'm not feeling the Lupron side effects as much-I guess the flu cancels them out. So, instead of hot flashes, I've got the chills. I'd rather have the hot flashes, honestly. This just blows.

Watch......I bet I'll even get my period this week. Just to make it even MORE interesting. Because that's the kind of luck I have.

I'm off to re-dose myself with meds so I can crash again.....

My (Lupron) Buddy and Me

My sorry ass got up at 4:30 this morning so I could make it to BIC in time for my appointment this morning. Of course, when I got there I was told that it would be bloodletting only, and no date with the CrotchCam, which slightly annoyed me because (a). I obviously didn't have to worry about the grooming status of my poonanny, and (b). I COULD HAVE SLEPT LATER. Sheesh. But, there is a plus side to this-at least I didn't have that "slimy cooter feeling" that you get after a date with the Wand. I mean, REALLY......no flowers, candy or a nice dinner, just that ever-so-slightly slimy "morning after" feeling from the gel. I might as well have someone leave cab money on the bedside table as they walk out the door.....but I digress.

Hey, at least they WARM the damn gel first. You've got to be grateful for the little things when you do an IVF cycle.

Anyways, I got my blood drawn, got my protocol from the nurse on call this morning, and got my phone call telling me that tonight's the night to start my BFF, Loopy Lupron. 20 lovely units to be shot into my slightly less poochy abdomen. I'm SO looking forward to the hot flashes and headaches that will surely be here soon. But, we do what we must, right? Since I don't have a choice I'm just going to make Lupron-ade from my Lupron. Minus the syringe, of course. Unless I use it as a stirrer.......nah.....never mind.

So, the only snag in the cycle start is that I got a call from my IVF Coordinator, who confirmed that my twato sent my PAP results.....but that I didn't have any signed consent forms on file for this cycle. Figures, right? I mean, WHEN does a cycle go smoothly for me (or anyone else, for that matter)!? I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to start my injections tonight, but she's going to fax me the consents tomorrow and I'll haul ass up to a friend's house to do the notarization (he's a lawyer-yay!). Whew-I thought I was going to have a stroke when she told me that, but it'll work out.

I've also decided on doing acupuncture again for this cycle, albeit with a different person. Not that I didn't like the last guy, but I want to try someone different, perhaps someone with more experience with infertility. The fact that I want to willingly subject myself to MORE needles is just proof that I'm really messed up in the head. Or that I have a needle fetish? You decide.

Well, I'm off to shoot up-perhaps I'll have a last glass of Chianti beforehand-it'll hurt less (and I'll be less inhibited, who knows). At least, that's my excuse right now.

Back on the (ART) Bandwagon

We've finally made our decision-it's time for IVF#4. I go on Tuesday morning to Big Important Clinic for bloodwork and a wanding (ah, Follicular Lurve Wand....how I've pined for thee!); if all goes well, I'll start Lupron that evening.

I am, quite honestly, scared shitless. It would be different if it were our first cycle-full of the optimism that it will surely work and we'll end up with twins and everything will be picture perfect, blah blah blah. Three IVF cycles, numerous FET's, and a lot of heartache later, Sean and I both know that there's no guarantees in this. We're both a bit jaded about it all; in some ways, we're sort of going through the motions with this-perhaps it's because we're unsure of the outcome (ie. a baby) or maybe it's because we've been through this before and we're used to the drill....I'm not sure.

That doesn't mean to say that the old whore named Hope isn't peeking her gnarly head through and pushing me along, because her saggy ass is definitely making her presence known. I've lost weight (a total of 14 pounds so far), have been eating healthier, am contemplating acupuncture again during this cycle and have made a solemn vow that I will absolutely let NOTHING stress me out at work. Not that this has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of an IVF cycle, but I like to hedge my bets.....just in case. Hey, you never know, right?

I realized this morning that every single time I've cycled or done a FET, there was someone else in my life who was also cycling or TTC. Inadvertently, I ended up being somewhat of a "pregnancy magnet"-every single person (and I'm not kidding) ended up pregnant and had successful deliveries, and I ended up with BFN's. This time around, there is nobody that I know that is either currently TTC, either with ART or au naturale; it's just me (and those of you out there who are currently cycling). A sign, perhaps, that this could possibly work? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I'll do everything in my power to maximize our last chance at this. The doctors are prepared (daily monitoring-what fun!), and I'm as prepared as I can be.

Let the games begin!