We've finally made our decision-it's time for IVF#4. I go on Tuesday morning to Big Important Clinic for bloodwork and a wanding (ah, Follicular Lurve Wand....how I've pined for thee!); if all goes well, I'll start Lupron that evening.
I am, quite honestly, scared shitless. It would be different if it were our first cycle-full of the optimism that it will surely work and we'll end up with twins and everything will be picture perfect, blah blah blah. Three IVF cycles, numerous FET's, and a lot of heartache later, Sean and I both know that there's no guarantees in this. We're both a bit jaded about it all; in some ways, we're sort of going through the motions with this-perhaps it's because we're unsure of the outcome (ie. a baby) or maybe it's because we've been through this before and we're used to the drill....I'm not sure.
That doesn't mean to say that the old whore named Hope isn't peeking her gnarly head through and pushing me along, because her saggy ass is definitely making her presence known. I've lost weight (a total of 14 pounds so far), have been eating healthier, am contemplating acupuncture again during this cycle and have made a solemn vow that I will absolutely let NOTHING stress me out at work. Not that this has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of an IVF cycle, but I like to hedge my bets.....just in case. Hey, you never know, right?
I realized this morning that every single time I've cycled or done a FET, there was someone else in my life who was also cycling or TTC. Inadvertently, I ended up being somewhat of a "pregnancy magnet"-every single person (and I'm not kidding) ended up pregnant and had successful deliveries, and I ended up with BFN's. This time around, there is nobody that I know that is either currently TTC, either with ART or au naturale; it's just me (and those of you out there who are currently cycling). A sign, perhaps, that this could possibly work? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I'll do everything in my power to maximize our last chance at this. The doctors are prepared (daily monitoring-what fun!), and I'm as prepared as I can be.
Let the games begin!