Friday, August 29, 2008

No Guarantees

I'm a bit sad today, since this weekend marks the end of the summer, and the end of my summer vacation. Back to the grind, starting on Tuesday (with the kids coming in on Wednesday).

While I'm usually more than ready at this point to go back to work, I'm finding that this year, for the first time, I've felt that the time off was too short, and I don't feel at ALL ready to start. I half-heartily went to my schools, set up my spaces, but it was a struggle. I don't want to go back and begin all the mess and politics and bullshit. But, I have to.

I also, stupidly, think every June that perhaps, just perhaps, I'll be pregnant by the time school starts in September. And, of course it doesn't happen, so I go back for faculty meetings with a flat belly and watch the other teachers congratulating someone else on their pregnancy or welcoming someone back from maternity leave. And then I feel like shit because I'm jealous and sad and then I feel even worse because the pg/new moms don't deserve me giving them the stink-eye. And then the vicious circle keeps going around and around....

I think that also, the beginning of every school year also brings to light the fact that I'm going to be a year older; and, when going through infertility, every year that you're not pregnant and every year that you're getting closer and closer to the dreaded 40 is another year further away from the dream of your own child. Now, I do realize that many women my age (and older) have successful pregnancies and births, but who knows if I'll be one of them. There's no guarantee. Sadly, infertility teaches us that nothing in our reproductive life is a "given"-all those assumptions of "fall in love, get married, have babies" just doesn't happen in our case.....at least, not easily. And, for some of us, it doesn't happen at all. And it scares the shit out of me that I might be that person-the one who never has that baby.

Of course, the fact that we're trying to get our ducks in a row for possibly another cycle doesn't help the floundering feelings that I'm having right now. Is this the right thing to do? Should we, or should we throw in the towel altogether? In a stupid, almost naive way, I'm not ready to give up yet. I always have the glimmer of that old crusty bitch Hope in the back of my head saying, "Weeeelllll, perhaps if you do just one more cycle....". But, am I torturing myself, or should I trust that voice? Is it intuition, or just delusion speaking?

And, the worst thing of this whole thing is that there are no answers. There's nobody that can definitively tell you yes, or no. I hate that the most about infertility-it's so indecisive, so ambiguous. I like answers, I like dealing with the concrete, not the abstract, which is odd given I make my living in the performing arts. However, infertility's not like researching a character for a play or delving into a solo in a major oratorio. It has a life of its own, very similar to a little child-unpredictable, and unable to understand things that are too complex.

So, what to do? Right now, it's the waiting game. We think that we will probably cycle again, but we need to be prepared; or, at least as prepared as we can considering the situation. Will it suck? Totally. Am I ready? Well, as ready as I can be. We just have to dive in again, instead of just sticking in a toe, then pulling back.

And, that's that.


Our next installment will be all about that lovely mid-thirties rite of passage that we women ALL look forward to......Our First Mammogram. Believe me, it's full of insanity that only I could have the joy to experience. Seriously.

9 comments:

Shelli said...

love you

ilyse said...

Sending you lots of (((((hugs)))))

Thalia said...

Wow, you get mammograms at 35? We dont' get them til we're 50!

Btw, after 3 years of trying I got pregnant spontaneously the week before my 40th bday. I know that hearing 'it happened to me' is not necessarily helpful, but it can happen. You're not 40 yet.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to live for today! My husband and I tried to have a baby for 8 years. Started out with artificial insemination, moved to donor sperm (miscarrage)and finally IVF ICSI 3 times. We finally had to stop, our hearts could not take any more. Along the way I realized that we had put our lives on hold for those 8 years, waiting to start living when we had children. Sometimes there are just no answers, which sucks. It all sucks, really, but every day is a new chance at a great day. I'm not sure I believe that with my whole heart, but I try. I really do relate to what you are doing, and I hope with all my heart that this next cycle sticks. Take Care, Lori

Anonymous said...

I am also in teaching profession and use the teaching calendar to mark time (i.e fall semester, spring semester, summer). This year, I cried before the first day of having to report to campus. I felt so silly because I was like "I can't believe I'm crying that I have to go back to school" and then it dawned on me ... it was because I had fully hoped that I would be pregnant. And the beginning of the semester with no pregancy was an exclamation point that I was not. We haven't even tried IVF yet, we're doing repronex only/IUI - and if this sucks, I can't imagine (well yes i can unfortunately) the rest of the journey. Your blog is a lifesaver!!! Your words provide comfort and sanity. I really hope this next cycle succeeds for you and your husband.

mj4toty@gmail.com said...

I'm also a teacher and ttc for a few years now. I hear you about the coming back to pregnant/new mom environment. There are two teachers that are due at the same time, in two weeks, and our school seems to have been taken over with baby mania. Oh well. I'm just working on de-stressing my life right now-which knowing me will cause me more stress! Good luck to you!

Melzie said...

We went back to school on Tuesday as well... and at our inservice days we had just what you said. 2 people just back, came to show off new babies, and 4 teachers announcing their pregnancies, all due in April...

*sigh*

Here's to a wonderful school year for us both!

Anonymous said...

I am dealing with a lot of the same stuff you are right now, but my husband is not. He has decided he doesn't want kids, so there will be no infertility treatment. Oh, and he also wants me to quit being depressed about it. He finds it bothersome.
Nice.

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