Aftermath

Well, here I am.....again. God, this is getting monotonous, isn't it?

Now that I've gone through the bloodbath that is a post-IVF cycle AF, I've had a little time to process this hot mess, also known as "my reproductive years", and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

All these years of trying, failing, trying again, then failing some more, were not due to my shitty tubes, but more than likely a combo punch of shitty tubes AND shitty (or, as I like to call them, "scrambled") eggs. The hard truth that nothing, NOTHING we did in these last 8 or so years would've mattered, because the likelihood of this working were almost zilch.

Yeah, it's good that we now know what we're dealing with, but I really wish we could've had this news a little earlier than now. Maybe it would've been harder to deal with if we knew this a few years ago, I don't know. I just feel like we wasted so much damn time when there was really no viable chance traditional IVF would have worked for us. I just feel so frustrated about that.

Then, we get into the whole "third-party reproduction" aspect of this. I stand by my earlier post-I'm not opposed to doing DE-IVF. Seriously, if you met some of the members of my family, you'd see that genetics aren't all they're cracked up to be. Sean's big thing that he needs to overcome is that he won't see "me" in a baby, should we do this. He's always had that dream of being able to pick out my genetic traits in our children, but who's to say that would even happen, even if we were able to have kids with my eggs? I'm a walking recessive gene to begin with (lighter hair and blue eyes as opposed to my dark haired/skinned/eyed Italian family), so I know that it's no guarantee. But, now that the dust has settled a little, he's really not opposed to doing it either. He feels a little weird that it's only his genetic makeup that would determine biological parentage, but I pointed out that if we did a traditional adoption it wouldn't look like either one of us.

That's the other thing that has been running around the old homestead lately-how our families would react to this. Surprisingly, my parents are really cool about it (despite no genetic relation to a grandchild should this work). They told us that if this is what we want, we should go for it. Honestly, it's nobody's damn business, except for us and the doctor (and a pediatrician). If we adopted nobody would even question it. Maybe it's a little non-traditional, but hey, so was IVF 30 years ago. I mean, I wouldn't broadcast it to the world, but the people who would need to know would. It's that simple.

Now, on to the shitty news-DE-IVF isn't covered under Sean's plan-his company has self-funded insurance, which means that they are not subject to any mandated coverage in any of the states that they are located (one of which is in IL, which apparently has a good mandate). MY costs would be covered, but not the donor's. Which comes to a price tag of almost $20,000, including the donor and clinic fees. Yeah, not the news we'd been hoping for. Ironically enough, had I not lost my full-time status I WOULD HAVE been covered, under NJ's Family Building Act. Another reason to loathe the way education is now being handled here, but there is a SMALL chance that I might get my job back full-time in the fall, so we might be able to hang on for a bit. It just feels like yet another setback for us, just when we've decided on a new path. And, unfortunately, taking out a loan isn't an option for us right now, what with me not working full-time, we'd probably not qualify. I just feel that sometimes the universe is shitting all over us. Is somebody trying to give us the cosmic hint?

It just really is disheartening-who knew that having a baby would be one the hardest things we'd have to do?

BFN Times....Oh Shit, I've Lost Count.....

Dr Pipsqueak called herself with the news (she told me that Nurse Blondie was so upset that she couldn't give me the results) that it's yet another BFN. She was also really upset on the phone but talked to me for about 20 minutes about the PGD results and different options we now have.

Recommendation? Donor egg or adoption. Yep, the likelihood of using my own eggs to get a baby are kind of like a blizzard in Hawaii. Not happening. I mean, she said that the only way that they'd do a cycle again with my eggs is with PGD, but really....what's the point? I'm not going to suddenly get tons of normal embryos-in fact, what if I ended up with the same stats, or worse, nothing to transfer at all? She thinks that, despite my original diagnosis of tubal factor and overstimming, I should have been pregnant and had babies by now, and this might have really been the problem all along-since I started cycling almost 8 years ago, my eggs were shitty all along. Go figure....I apparently never had a fighting chance, or, as she said: "We've been beating our heads against a brick wall wondering why it didn't work, and now it makes sense". Lovely.

Lots of decisions to make, but they're sending me a donor recipient packet (aren't I lucky that my RE is head of the ovum donor program!) for me to see what it's all about. My clinic apparently has a 60% "take-home baby rate" and 40% of recipients have extra embryos to freeze. Maybe the odds might finally be in my favor?

Hell, my genetic makeup isn't all it's cracked up to be-look at my bipolar crazy aunt and the cancer history in my family. Yes, it SUCKS to think, if we do this, that I won't be able to look into my baby's face and see my family traits there. But really, I just want a child. I don't care if it has my ears, my mother's nose and my dad's hairline.

I'm tired and I'm not getting younger and it's time. I want a baby. If this is the way to get one, then so be it.

9dp4dt-Not Promising

HPT is still negative, as of this morning. The likelihood of this situation ending well sure as hell ain't looking too good, given my track record.

That, and the slight brown stain on the TP I also saw this morning. And the cramps I've been having-just like when AF is coming.

I'll give more of an update tomorrow, once they confirm it.

*sigh*


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8dp4dt-Obi-wan Lone Embryo

Everything, so far, is okay. I'm trying not to be obsessive, hence the absence of my usual post-transfer dpo Symptom-Watch. Nothing too unusual to report that can't be attributed to the progesterone, except for two things-I've had a wicked headache for two days now (but it's been shitty rainy/snowy here, so it could just be the barometic pressure) that seems to go away when I take a nap, and I've also had this sour/metallic taste in my mouth. It's a bit like licking the inside of a tin can, and nothing I eat really makes it go away, and it's making me salivate like a rabid dog and feel queasy all at the same time. Just lovely, right?

I did cave and POAS'd Tuesday and this morning, and so far, BFN. I'm trying to tell myself that I might not have enough HCG at this point to show on an HPT because we only transferred one, but I might also be deluding myself. It's a crapshoot at this point.

Beta on Friday AM. Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers-definitely keep them coming.

Help me, Obi-Wan Lone Embryo....you're our last hope.